The 2007 Christmas number one is just days away from being revealed, and if the anticipation was any higher then it'd probably blow up and kill the bloody lot of us.
Oh, who are we kidding? The Christmas number one is going to be flipping Leon Jackson from X Factor and his special song about believing in fairies or whatever, and that's pretty much guaranteed already. But who'll be the Christmas number one not including that travesty? Now you're interested, huh? Huh? Oh, please yourselves.
Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Malcolm Middleton, Leona Lewis and Katie Melua & Eva Cassidy, with help from Paddy Power…
Malcolm Middleton, We're All Going To Die
Yes, Malcolm Middleton of Arab Strap and Former Boyfriend Of TV And Radio's Lauren Laverne fame has got a Christmas record out. And, by jiggery, if it isn't one of the front-runners to become this year's Christmas number one. It certainly deserves to be, if not for the perverse kick of knowing that a song with the – actually absurdly catchy – chorus of "you're going to die, you're going to die, you're gonna die alone" beat Chuffing Leon to Christmas number one, then for the brilliant video. We're All Going To Die doesn't stand a chance of topping the charts on Sunday, obviously, but just imagine what'd happen if it did – Malcolm Middleton impersonators on Stars In Their Eyes. Go and buy it now, just for that. Current Christmas Number One betting odds – 8/1
Leona Lewis, Bleeding Love
Now, we don't know who this Leona Lewis woman is, or how her Bleeding Love song goes, but we've heard that it's basically a lo-fi version of We're All Going To Die by Malcolm Middleton. Oh, not really – Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis has been number one for about a million years already despite the fact that it's basically a Whitney Houston rip-off about self-harm sung by a woman with all the personality of a soggy envelope. But can Bleeding Love become the Christmas number one? Hardly – two months after it was released, surely everyone with even a passing interest in blasted-out powerballads already owns a copy of Bleeding Love by now, so there can't be anyone left to actually buy the bloody thing. Surely. Please. If we hear it one more time we swear we're going to shit down our leg. Current Christmas number one betting odds – 4/1
Katie Melua with Eva Cassidy, What A Wonderful World
People, this is a warning. Someone somewhere has thought "You know what I'd like to hear? A duet between Eva Cassidy and Katie Melua. Singing a watery version of an overplayed song too, please." We don't know about you, but it scares us that people can be capable of such inhumane cruelty. And yet What A Wonderful World by Eva Cassidy and Katie Melua is the current favourite non-X Factor song to become Christmas number one. But it's horrible – an exact negative of We're All Going To Die. Instead of being a happy song about death, it's a song about life that sounds like carbon monoxide suffocation. If you see anyone buying this record, do your duty and give them a dead arm. It's what baby Jesus would have wanted. Current Christmas number one betting odds – 4/6
Tomorrow – Strictly Come Dancing final betting odds. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Christmas number one betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.