We’d like to sincerely apologise to Michael Lohan. In the past we’ve mocked him for discussing Lindsay Lohan’s personal life.

And we’re sorry. We’re truly sorry. Michael Lohan, if you’re reading this, we’d like you to keep revealing aspects of Lindsay Lohan’s personal life to the press, in as minuscule detail as you can possibly manage. Because now we’ve seen what the alternative is, and it’s several times worse.

The alternative to Michael Lohan talking about Lindsay Lohan’s personal life, you see, is Michael Lohan talking about his own personal life. Specifically, talking about how many times he gets to have sex with his new fiance every night. And – given that even thinking about Michael Lohan’s pink, jail-worn penis for even a second is enough to induce waves of feverish vomiting – we’d happily go back to hearing him bang on about how close to death Lindsay Lohan is at any given point in time. Happily.

Michael Lohan has got engaged. There’s nothing weird about that. Michael Lohan’s an attractive man and just because he once attacked someone with a shoe and ended up in jail, and is routinely singled out as the world’s worst father by various members of the Lohan family, and frequently betrays Lindsay Lohan’s trust to her constant vocal dismay, and has been accused of punching an ex-girlfriend in the face and kicking her in the vagina, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t allowed happiness.

But what sort of woman would agree to get married to Michael Lohan? Why, the sort of woman who’d willingly have sex with Jon Gosselin, of course. Not lovely, put-upon, pre-fame Jon Gosselin, either – we mean balding, earringed, puke-coloured shirt-wearing, reality TV choad Jon Gosselin. So step forward Kate Major, because you’re the woman of questionable taste who’ll one day have to stand in a church, look God in the eye and sincerely proclaim that you honestly love Michael Lohan.

That’s fine, though – maybe Michael Lohan and Kate Major really do love each other. And who could deprive them of their happiness? After all, it’s not like Michael Lohan is going around telling everyone how many times he has sex with Kate Major each night, is it?

What’s that? IT IS? Oh dear christ no. Digitalspy reports:

“Kate wants a baby, we practice at least four times a night. We agreed, that if she does get pregnant, one is enough,” Michael said. Michael added that he hopes Lindsay and the rest of his children will attend his wedding “if Dina doesn’t thwart it like she did my dads funeral”.

At least four times a night? Recent heart attack victim Michael Lohan has sex with Kate Major at least four times a night? Boy oh boy, that Kate Major is one lucky woman. Imagine Michael Lohan’s bright red face bearing down on you all contorted four times a night. Imagine that, but with the added possibility of him having another coronary embolism and collapsing lifelessly on top of you so that the paramedics have to physically pull him out of you before they can take him to hospital. Imagine it.

Yep, that Kate Major is one lucky woman alright.

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Great work, Kate Gosselin – your plan to appear on Dancing With The Stars and rehabilitate your image is going great guns.

Let’s have a recap. Kate Gosselin’s Dancing With The Stars partner hates her. The Dancing With The Stars judges hate her. The majority of the Dancing With The Stars viewers hate her. And Jon Gosselin… well obviously Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin, but now he hates her enough to sue her for full custody of their children.

According to Jon Gosselin, by appearing on Dancing With The Stars Kate Gosselin has made herself an absentee parent and can’t care for the kids as well as he could – even though he’s now a professional layabout who lives in a two-bedroom apartment. Maybe they can reach a compromise and give custody of the children to a better-equipped third-party, like a rabid bear or the Stanley Tucci character from The Lovely Bones or something.

Now, look. We know this seems like a terrible news story. It’s about the Gosselins – the two reality show idiots who got famous by having a stupidly amount of children and now refuse to go away – and specifically it’s how their petty, needling behaviour towards each other is coming at the obvious detriment to the emotional stability of their children. We know that.

But let’s look at this in the long term. What’s happening at the moment is that Jon Gosselin is annoyed about Kate Gosselin’s continued appearance on Dancing With The Stars. The children live with Kate Gosselin, you see, but Jon Gosselin thinks that her current dedication to flapping about like a loose wound in a slash of sequined spandex on a TV show once a week means that she’s not committing enough time to their welfare. And that’s why he’s petitioning a court for full custody of them. UsMagazine reports:

An attorney for Jon plans to file an emergency petition this week in Berks County, Penn., for primary physical custody of his eight children with ex-wife Kate. The reality dad’s new lawyer Anthony F. List tells TMZ that Kate is “an absentee mom.” List says her current stint on Dancing with the Stars prohibits her from spending “quality time” with [her children].

We suppose we should congratulate Jon Gosselin for having the self-awareness to hire a lawyer called F List, but that’s beside the point. The point is that, yes, this constant back and forth about custody and parental suitability is bound to hurt the Gosselin children. Jon and Kate Gosselin have demonstrated a consistent inability to put their offspring ahead of their respective desires for revenge and fame, and so they’re effectively dooming the kids to a lifetime of misery, low self-esteem and emotional rootlessness.

But that’s a good thing. Because maybe Jon Gosselin’s petition will scare Kate Gosselin out of appearing on television any more, and Jon Gosselin will realise that Kate Gosselin will petition him right back if he ever appears on a TV show. If this happens, we’ll reach a stalemate situation where neither Jon or Kate Gosselin will ever appear on television again. True, eight children will become unbearably miserable in the process, but who cares about them? There’ll be no more Gosselins on TV! Whoopee!

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It was the lawsuit that had literally everyone gripped. The biggest lawsuit of all time. It was monumental.

Yes, the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit was huge. In other news, Jon Gosselin and TLC have been trying to sue each other lately, probably because Jon Gosselin is a dumpy, balding, badly-dressed, money-hungry narcissist who has never done a single worthwhile thing in the entire duration of his life and TLC is responsible for some of the worst television ever created. Probably.

But at least it’s all over now. Jon Gosselin and TLC have announced that they’ve finally reached a settlement. Hopefully this news will allow Jon Gosselin and TLC to put all this nastiness behind them and get on with their lives. But only so long as ‘getting on with their lives’ is code for ‘going away forever’. Otherwise we’re not really that interested.

In time, all the members of the Gosselin family will realise that they got something from Jon & Kate Plus 8. The show may have brought them such a torrent of unwanted media scrutiny that it ultimately destroyed their marriage – but look what they’ve gained.

Kate Gosselin now gets to show off her new haircuts from magazine covers, Jon Gosselin gets to sleep with women who would normally be light years out of his league and the Gosselin kids get to grow up locked into a self-perpetuating spiral of approval-seeking and habitual substance abuse brought on by the vague sense that they were responsible for the break up of their parents’ marriage. Everyone wins.

However, that’s all in the past now. Every since TLC sued Jon Gosselin for making unauthorised media appearances, and Jon Gosselin countersued by claiming that TLC was harming his career by stopping him from making unauthorised media appearances, the future of Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been bleak. And now that Gosselin and TLC have reached a settlement, it looks like the show can finally be pronounced dead. People reports:

“TLC has reached a settlement with Jon Gosselin and will be undertaking procedural steps to conclude the litigation,” the network said in a statement. “All terms of the settlement are confidential. The whole Gosselin family remain under contract with TLC. ” A source close to the situation says that the network rules out a return of the hit show, Jon & Kate Plus 8, that made the family household names.

That’s interesting, isn’t it? The whole Gosselin family are still under contract with TLC. We know that Kate Gosselin has got a new show lined up, but does this mean that Jon Gosselin will also return to the network?

We hope so. We’ve got a great idea for a vehicle for him, too – it’s a show called Jon Gosselin Will Do Anything For Money. It’d be brilliant. Every week Jon would be goaded into doing all kinds of awful things – like stripping in public, or dressing up as a baby and soiling himself in front of the mayor, or drinking bleach, or branding his children with a cattle poker shaped like a cock and balls – by a dirty-looking man waving a handful of change at him. Every episode ends with a slightly richer Jon weeping at the realisation of what a monster he’s become.

We’d watch it, anyway.

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Stop what you’re doing. Stop what you’re doing right now and take a look around. This is incredibly important.

We’re not kidding around. One day, in several years to come, your grandchildren will turn to you and ask “What were you doing on the day that Kate Gosselin put in some hair extensions to mask the fact that her real hair looked like a cross between a bad Manga cartoon and the grubby, static-charged pubic merkin that Mickey Rourke kept in his pants during the production of The Wrestler and it somehow became newsworthy?”

And now you’ll know. Now you’ll be able to look down upon their adorable little faces and say “I was despairing for the future of humanity, kids. I was despairing for the future of humanity.”

Kate Gosselin is a single woman now. She’s divorced her horny balding idiot of a husband and she’s back on the prowl. Yep, there’s nothing stopping Kate Gosselin from finding love, apart from a) the fact that she’s got eight young children, b) the fact that whoever she ends up being romantically involved with will be subjected to a horrific level of unwanted media interest from the get-go, c) the fact that she’s primarily famous for being a hard-faced, self-interested shrew who’d happily trample over anybody for even a microsecond of attention and d) she’s got slightly crap hair.

So, in an effort to find love, what has Kate Gosselin done? Has she retired from public view so that any new relationships can develop in a healthy and organic way? Has she radically worked on the root causes of her infamously noxious personality? Don’t be daft – she’s had her hair done.

And, just to prove that she’s still totally committed to being a fame-hungry moron with little regard for anyone else even though her show isn’t on any more, she’s had her hair done on the front cover of People magazine. Here’s how People reported Kate Gosselin’s new look:

Celebrity hairstylist Ted Gibson, who has tended to the tresses of Angelina Jolie and Anne Hathaway, spent nearly 20 hours last week meticulously adding hundreds of extensions to Kate’s hair. Luckily, they both agree that their time together was a smashing success. “Kate was an absolute sweetheart, I loved her,” says Gibson.

In total, Kate Gosselin’s hair makeover took 20 hours to accomplish. 20 hours! Now, we know that 20 hours might sound like a ridiculously long time to spend having a haircut, but just look at the finished result. Surely 20 hours is a small price to pay to end up looking like the forgotten sister that Hulk Hogan keeps locked in a cupboard. And, after all, it’s not like Kate Gosselin has kids to worry about or anything, is it?

Next week: Jon Gosselin experiments with moustaches and we begin to weep uncontrollably.

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Do you wish the Tiger Woods divorce story had less money, glamour, points of interest and endearing characters?

Oh, what’s that? You do? Then do you also wish that the Tiger Woods divorce story had more bad clothes, hairplugs, ill-advised man-jewellery, demonstrably bad haircuts and children who will almost certainly grow up to be psychologically crippled destructive little monsters? You wish that too? Well then have we got some wonderful news for you.

Jon and Kate Gosselin are likely to have their divorce finalised this weekend, pending a judge’s solitary signature. You know what? This is going to be the best Christmas EVER.

If you want proof that there is a God, this may be it. Or if, as is more likely to be the case, you want proof that two juddering self-interested wazzocks don’t have the basic human function to even hold a marriage together because they’re both too busy being tremendously despicable titplanks to ever show an iota of compassion to another living being, then this may also be it.

Basically Jon and Kate Gosselin’s marriage is going to officially come crashing to a halt before Monday. The New York Daily News reports:

The Gosselin’s divorce is imminent – and Kate is reportedly “thrilled” with what she’s getting. The fractured reality family’s ongoing saga drew nearer to a close on Wednesday after an arbitrator dealing with the divorce proceedings finally made his decision on how divide the couple’s assets… The arbitrator’s decision has been forwarded to the judge presiding over the case.

This is undoubtedly good news. It means that we can consign all the nonsense that Jon and Kate Gosselin have put us through this year – the anaemic reality shows, the countless sobbing interviews, the revolving mental image of Jon Gosselin poking it up a nanny in a hot tub while his children were an another room – to the recycle bin of our minds and get on with our lives again.

True, Jon and Kate Gosselin’s divorce might have thrown up a bit of collateral damage – like the legal battle between Jon Gosselin and TLC and the fact that all of the Gosselin children will grow up to be emotionally stunted waifs whose developmental lack of self-esteem will force them into a series of deeply unpleasant, life-scarring episodes – but that doesn’t matter! Jon and Kate Gosselin are almost divorced! Wahey! Maybe we’ll never hear about either of them ever again!

Of course, this does mean that TLC has one massive family less on its books than it would ideally like. So if you’re a married couple with more children than you can possibly cope with, be sure to contact TLC directly. But make sure that you’re intrinsically both terrible people, though! That’s a dealbreaker!

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Have you noticed that everyone seems to have more of a joyous, carefree spring in their step today?

It’s all down to Jon Gosselin. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s all down to Montgomery County Circuit Judge Michael D. Mason – a man who, with no exaggeration whatsoever, has made our year. He’s hit Jon Gosselin with an injunction banning him from appearing in the media. And unless we’re wrong, this injunction lasts until April. We’ve got close to five blissful Gosselin-free months ahead of us. We’ve never been so happy.

Now, if only another judge would rule that Kate Gosselin had to be dropped into the middle of the desert with no food or water, we could die happy.

Today, truly, is the end of an era. Admittedly it was quite a crap era, where a tubby balding man with a horrific taste in shirts would routinely pop up on every single television programme on Earth and either bitch relentlessly about his estranged wife or beg for her forgiveness, depending on what he thought would net him the most headlines. It was an era of very young girlfriends and embarrassing spelling mistakes and horrific tales of jacuzzi sex, but it’s over now. For now.

Up until now, it looked like there would be no winners in the fight between Jon Gosselin and TLC. If TLC wins and Jon Gosselin is found to have breached the terms of his contract by making unauthorised media appearances, then Kate Gosselin will get to keep making Jon-less episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8, which would obviously be awful. But if Jon Gosselin wins and TLC is found to have breached child labour laws, then Jon Gosselin will have been successful at something for the first time in his life, which would be just as awful.

But now there is a winner. And it’s us. The big Jon Gosselin/ TLC skirmish isn’t scheduled to kick off until April – but until then, a judge has made it illegal for Jon Gosselin to appear in the media. No Jon Gosselin and no Jon & Kate Plus 8? Why, this is just like how life used to be, back when we were happy. We remember being happy. Usmagazine, explain:

After Thursday’s ruling, TLC issued the following statement: “The Court has validated our view that Mr. Gosselin has a valid, binding contract and that he has breached it repeatedly. Step one – getting the court to order Mr. Gosselin to comply with his contractual obligations – has been accomplished. Any further breaches going forward will be violations of a court order.”

Jon Gosselin plans to appeal this decision, but let’s assume that he’ll fail. That gives us five amazing months of radio silence from Jon Gosselin. It’s possibly the best news we’ve ever heard – but we won’t get too excited, because it obviously has its downsides. Firstly, we’re willing to bet that Jon Gosselin uses this time to write a book about how hard it is to be him. Secondly, we give it a fortnight before the lack of attention makes Jon Gosselin snap and hold up a petrol station at gunpoint, just because he knows it’ll get his mugshot on TV.

Plus Kate Gosselin is still allowed to swan around like a bad-haired nimrod. So, in retrospect, this isn’t good news at all.

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Right. Look. We know that just a few days ago we said that we’d written our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Clearly that turned out to be a lie. But you’ve got to believe that we wanted it to be our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin. Their divorce settlement was finalised, their show had been taken off air – everything about them seemed like it was all tied up. But still we’re back here again. So what went wrong?

We underestimated Jon Gosselin’s relentless capacity for stupidity, that’s what. A taped phone call has emerged. It’s allegedly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan. Jon complains about paedophiles at one point. We know, alright? We’re upset as you are.

Now that Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been mercifully covered with a blanket and shot in the head, it’s only a matter of time before Jon and Kate Gosselin start popping up in other places. Kate Gosselin, it’s rumoured, could end up with a reality show about being a single mother. And as for Jon Gosselin? if he isn’t given an Odd Couple-style reality TV show starring him and Michael Lohan called something like Come And Watch The Two Worst People On The Face Of The Earth Being Dicks To Everyone by this time next year, it’ll be a tragedy.

Because, christ, the two of them. They’ve both got their own individual ideas on parenting – Jon Gosselin prefers to have sex with nannies in hot tubs while his children are sleeping, Michael Lohan likes to threaten to kidnap his kids in public – but when they come together, it’s a non-stop funride of hilarity all the way. And when we say ‘hilarity’ we mean ‘genuinely creepy paranoia.

A taped phone call, ostensibly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan, has hit the internet. In it, Gosselin alleges that Jon & Kate Plus 8‘s network TLC took money from deals the family had made with magazines. Although that’s not quite how Jon Gosselin put it. RadarOnline reports:

It’s clear that Jon believes his (supposed) knowledge of these deals means TLC will not stop him from talking . He says “They haven’t said (bleep).” The Jon & Kate Plus 8 former star claims TLC got paid in a side deal and says “I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet and they never got paid for it? It’s disgusting.”

Now, part of us thinks that it might be a little late to start worrying about exposing your children to paedophiles after allowing them to star in their own TV show for two and a half years. And another part of us thinks that, regardless of this weird paedophile threat, the children would be better off if Jon Gosselin could somehow refrain from banging on about them like a twat all the time.

The biggest part of us, though, just really really wants all of the Gosselins – and Michael Lohan as well, now that he’s part of it – to be bundled into a sack and dropped off in the middle of nowhere. Please.

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We’re thrilled to announce that this might just be the last thing we ever write about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

The signs are certainly good. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is broadcast tonight. Jon and Kate Gosselin have thrashed out a surprisingly amicable divorce settlement. That’s it. Now both Jon and Kate can fade into the background and we’ll never hear from them again.

That is, unless one of Jon Gosselin’s sexual partners sells their story to the press, or Kate Gosselin’s relentless desire for attention culminates in her taking out strangers from a clock tower with a sniper rifle. Both of which are quite likely to happen. This isn’t the last we’ve heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin at all, is it? Bollocks.

So much of the Jon and Kate Gosselin story is mired in such all-encompassing depression that even thinking of words that rhyme with their surname – like ‘nozzling’ or whatever – make us want to slash away at our wrists and throat with a set of nail scissors. Honestly, their life is just a never-ending catalogue of misery. There’s the divorce, the televised breakdowns, the slow collapse of their TV show, the fact that their children are going to grow up to hate them, Kate’s stupid hair – the gloom simply refuses to let up.

Having said that, two tiny chinks of sunlight have broken through the clouds today. First, today marks the final-ever episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8. True, this is only a partial victory because it’s likely to be replaced by a show called Kate Plus 8 or, failing that, Kate Gosselin: I Can Do This On My Own or, failing that, Some Other Awful Bastards With Too Many Poxy Children, but let’s soak in what little pleasure this gives us while we can.

Secondly, Jon and Kate Gosselin have finalised their divorce settlement. This means that they won’t insist on weeping into the nearest camera about how unreasonable the other one is all the time. People has divorce details:

“This was the proceeding that essentially ended their marriage,” says the source.”Kate is just relieved that a very painful chapter of her life is nearly over, and she is looking forward to building a better, brighter future for herself and her kids.” During the hearing, Jon “didn’t dispute Kate having primary custody of the kids,” says the source, which came as no surprise to Kate.

So Kate’s getting primary custody of the kids, huh? That makes sense – if that kiss and tell story from a few months ago was anything to go by, then Jon’s idea of considerate parenting is closing the bathroom door before having it off with the nanny in the hot tub. Meanwhile Kate only hits her children, deprives them of water and scares the living daylights out of them with her dreadful haircut, which is markedly more considerate.

But quality of parenting doesn’t matter any more. The only thing that matters is that this is the full stop that the Jon and Kate story needs. Or, if not a full stop, then an asterisk that’s followed by a footnote reading ‘Then they were all eaten by lions. Nobody cried.’ One or the other.

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Aside from depressing the world silly, there’s nothing that Jon and Kate Gosselin like more than a good old competition.

Remember when Jon and Kate split up? They had a competition to see who was the biggest underdog. And then that somehow gave way to their competition to see who could come off as the most genuinely abhorrent. And now they’re having a competition to see who can be more sorry for their behaviour.

On Sunday Jon Gosselin told a Jewish Centre that he was sorry for everything, but Kate’s not taking that sitting down – she’s appeared on TV to tell the world that she’s so sorry for every single thing she’s ever done in her entire life that it sometimes makes her poo blood. Or something.

If Jon and Kate Gosselin are remembered for anything – and we’d literally give away every possession we own to make sure they aren’t – then it’ll probably be the way they redefined the Kübler-Ross grief model. Usually, as everyone knows, grief consists of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – but the pattern that Jon and Kate followed in the wake of their split has altered our perception of grief forever.

You see, first there was denial – as Jon and Kate tried to stick together for the sake of Jon & Kate Plus 8. Then came anger. Then some more anger. Then some more anger. Then they got a bit more angry. And then the anger went on for a bit. And now they’ve leapfrogged the rest of the stages to arrive at acceptance more or less simultaneously.

Yesterday we told you how Jon Gosselin was so sorry for the way he’s treated Kate Gosselin that he went all the way to a high-profile Jewish Centre – even though it literally made no sense to anyone for him to do so – to bare his soul. And now it’s Kate’s turn. She’s also sorry for the way she treated Jon, you know. So very, very sorry. E! Online reports:

“I was very hard on him and I would never deny that. I felt very much like a lot of weight rested on my shoulders. I was wrong to treat him that way. Was it good, healthy and wonderful? No. Am I proud of those moments that were captured? No… I still wake up every day, and I think the phone will ring,” Kate began, her voice cracking, “and it’ll be the old Jon.”

It’s nice to see that both Jon and Kate Gosselin have arrived at a place where they can both apologise for everything they’ve done wrong. Although, given their history of media one-upmanship, it’s only going to be a matter of time before Jon has to reassert his apology, adding that he also blames himself for the weather, before Kate fires back by apologising profusely for the way that her DNA has made a couple of her kids look a bit funny. That’ll be followed, obviously, by Jon Gosselin remorsefully claiming that he started the Israeli-Palestine conflict by himself for a bit of a giggle.

The last stage of grief in the Jon and Kate Gosselin model, by the way, is shutting up and leaving us alone forever. We’re quite looking forward to that stage.

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Jon Gosselin has had an epiphany. And, no, epiphany isn’t the name of a new experimental hair-replacement procedure.

He’s had a real epiphany. Whisper it, but Jon Gosselin might have worked out what an unstoppable bellend he is. Yesterday at the Manhattan West Side Jewish Centre, Jon plucked up the courage to tell all and sundry that his ‘moral compass’ has been all out of whack.

And it seems genuine. Jon Gosselin seems truly sorry for everything he’s done. And we’re sure he’ll continue to explain exactly how sorry he is in his new book, TV show, range of ornamental ceramics and any other method he think of to stop him getting a real job.

The more we think about it, the more Jon & Kate Plus 8 reminds us of the last Lord Of The Rings film. Not because it primarily stars a greedy troll, a confused-looking fat bloke with terrible taste in clothes and several annoying midgets – although, now we come to think of it, that’s a pretty good reason – but because we’re starting to think that it’s never going to sodding end.

We should have stopped hearing about Jon & Kate Plus 8 back when TLC decided to stop making new episodes. But no, instead we’ve had to put up with accusations of theft and dreary old specials about how famous Kate wants to be and – as of last week – stories about how much of a turd Jon Gosselin is from Jon Gosselin’s actual current girlfriend. Face it, we thought, this nonsense is going to burble on until the end of poxy time.

But now, just maybe, the end could be in sight. Yesterday, for reasons that we’re not sure even he knows about, Jon Gosselin spoke at Manhattan’s West Side Jewish Centre to explain that everything he’s done in the last few months has been the work of a massively obnoxious toolbox. Gee Jon, thanks. Because we really wouldn’t have known that otherwise, would we? OK! reports:

“Half the stuff I’ve done, if I look at my moral compass, I shouldn’t have done. It’s hard for me because I can’t forgive myself for the things I’ve done… So to ask for forgiveness from someone who may never forgive me is tough for me. I do apologise to Kate. I’m sorry for doing the things I did. I do ask for her forgiveness.”

And, for any haters reading, you can tell that Jon Gosselin totally means it because he apologised to Kate Gosselin in public to a bunch of strangers at the headquarters of a religion he doesn’t even subscribe to, rather than just doing it privately to Kate’s face like any other normal human being would. That is how you measure sincerity, right?

Anyway, good for Jon Gosselin. We’re thrilled that he’s finally woken up and started to apologise. Now, if he could hurry up and apologise for having sex with that blabbermouth nanny in the hot tub – or in fact make any gesture of reparation for the way that her kiss and tell story destroyed our libido forever – we’d appreciate that, too.

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This week Jon & Kate Plus 8 featured a You Ask, Kate Answers special. And it felt like a wasted opportunity.

You know what would have been better? You Ask, Jon Emotionally Abuses. It would have been awesome – after being presented with some viewer questions, Jon Gosselin would shriek for 25 minutes about what a victim he is and how it’s all your fault. And then he’d burst into tears and clumsily attempt to kiss the camera with tongues. It would have been AWESOME.

Because Jon Gosselin is quite good at emotional abuse, apparently. His own girlfriend said it. To a TV show. Why won’t any of this stop?

It’d be easy for Jon Gosselin to see Jon & Kate Plus 8 as the worst thing to ever happen in his life. He’d be wrong, obviously – the worst thing is probably either male pattern baldness, his bizarrely premature mid-life crisis, his taste in clothes, the way that people can’t imagine him having sex without screwing up their faces and dry heaving or the fact that he was born without a functioning set of testicles – but it’s up there.

And because of Jon & Kate Plus 8, these last few months have been unbearable for Jon Gosselin. He’s routinely vilified in the media as a self-serving monster, he’s been accused of stealing from his own children, he’s even lost the ability to spell his own name properly. What Jon Gosselin needs right now is a friend. His closest friend in the world. By which we mean Hailey Glassman, the 22-year-old daughter of Kate Gosselin’s plastic surgeon who is unique in her ability to have sex with Jon Gosselin without vomiting everywhere immediately afterwards.

And thank God that Jon Gosselin has Hailey Glassman. The whole world might be against him but, so long as he’s got her then everything might just turn out OK. To Jon Gosselin, Hailey Glassman represents hope. Hope and unconditional love. And for Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin represents… well, let’s allow Hailey to explain that herself:

“He’ll call me and take his anger out on me. He has ‘mantrums.’ I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused. I cry and say, ‘Why are you so mean to me?’… Sometimes he has trouble with the truth, and he will dance and dance around his lies. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. But I still love him… but I dislike him at times.”

It’s adorable, isn’t it? We think we saw a Love Heart with ‘I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused’ on it once. And, as everybody knows, nothing says romance like dancing and dancing around your lies.

Sure, this will be embarrassing for Jon Gosselin, but he needs to remember that this is just a blip in their relationship. Once all of this has died down they’ll be able to carry of as normal – in that Jon Gosselin will stop being famous, Hailey Glassman will immediately leave him for someone her own age and all these problems will be dwarfed by all the ‘My Father The Monster’ books that Jon’s kids will write as soon as they’re old enough. He’s got nothing to worry about.

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Did you watch the ‘You Ask, Kate Answers’ Jon & Kate Plus 8 special last night? What’s that? You didn’t?

Because Jon & Kate Plus 8 generally makes you quite angry? And just the thought of Kate Gosselin getting an hour of television to carp on about herself makes you hatch wicked revenge plots against humanity? Well fine.

You missed out on Kate Gosselin’s promise that her children weren’t suffering. And you missed out on Kate Gosselin’s claim that she wants to be a film star. And you missed out on us stabbing ourselves in the thigh with a pair of scissors so we’d have something less painful to concentrate on.

If we could teach Jon and Kate Gosselin one thing, it’d be the art of the dignified silence. Or the undignified silence, for that matter. The important thing is that they shut up. Because the more that Jon & Kate Gosselin convince themselves that they need to get their side of the story across, the more we come to dislike them. We just want Jon and Kate Gosselin to go away.

The only people we want to hear from in all of this are the Gosselin children – once they’ve gained the literary ability to write their inevitable harrowing A Child Called ‘It‘-style memoirs – and that nanny who had sex with Jon Gosselin in a hot tub, but only because her stories double up as quite an effective bulimia aid. But so long as Jon and Kate Gosselin have access to television crews, that’s not going to happen.

Yesterday it was Kate Gosselin’s turn to bitch and whine and generally come across as the very worst example of a human being in the history of all mankind, with her much-hyped ‘You Ask, Kate Answers’ Jon & Kate Plus 8 special. Apparently none of the questions we submitted made it to TLC in time, because Kate didn’t answer the questions ‘Why don’t you understand?’, ‘Are you aware of the concept of dignity?’ and ‘Urrr, you’ve seen Jon Gosselin’s penis! URRRRRR!’ which admittedly wasn’t really a question.

Instead, Kate decided to answer the big topics. Like the topic of whether or not her chronic addiction to fame had made her children suffer, which she answered by saying:

“They’re not suffering from this. They’re kids 99% of the time… I’m raising kids who are going to scrutinise people inside and out.”

The other one percent of the time, if you were wondering, they’re like embittered pensioners who can’t understand why their life turned out so terrible. Except for Aaden, obviously, who spends his remaining one percent of the time being a cartoon of a drunk goat.

What else did Kate Gosselin have to say for herself? Well, this:

“I would love to be in a movie at some point. I’d like to be the voice in a cartoon for my kids. I would love for my TV career to be successful.”

You can finish this article off for yourselves. We’re going to look for something to stab ourselves in the thigh with again.

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Let’s assume that Jon & Kate Plus 8 is dying. In which case, let us introduce you to its ghoulish death-rattle.

You Ask, Kate Answers. That’s right – next week’s scheduled episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is being replaced by a special episode where Kate Gosselin will answer questions submitted by the show’s viewers.

Questions that we can only assume will include “Why won’t you make it stop?”, “My TV seems to be stuck on TLC and it’s giving me a migraine – how can I change it to a channel that isn’t so annoying?” and “WHY WON’T YOU MAKE IT STOP??”

Nobody seems to know what’s going on with Jon & Kate Plus 8 at the moment. One minute Kate’s in and Jon’s out, then both Kate and Jon are out, then Jon’s being sued because he’s being more out than anyone wanted him to be, then there’s talk of seamlessly replacing both Jon and Kate with two equally-qualified parent figures like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and a tatty shop mannequin that’s had angry eyebrows drawn on it in permanent marker. We may have made that last one up. At this point it’s hard to say one way or the other with any degree of accuracy.

However, amidst all this uncertainty there is at least one absolute fact regarding Jon & Kate Plus 8 that can’t be denied – those kids are going to be awfully messed up one day. Oh, and also that next week’s episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been scrapped so that Kate Gosselin can answer some viewer questions on-air. According to an official TLC statement:

As Kate takes on tough audience questions, she relives memories of the show and gives honest answers, but will Kate be shocked by some of the things the audience wants to know? Will she ever get married again? Where does Kate see kids in 10 years? Do you wear heels all the time? Do the kids know they’re famous? How is it handling school homework with eight kids?

Do you wear heels all the time. Do you wear heels all the time. That’s the most pressing question that anyone could think to ask Kate Gosselin. Not “How do you sleep at night?” or “What happened to your dignity?” or “What in heaven’s name is going on with your hair?” No. Do you wear heels all the time. We despair, we really do.

Still, we suppose we should try to be positive about this – at least the You Ask, Kate Answers episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 isn’t a You Ask, Jon Answers episode. Imagine if that happened and the first question was “How do you spell your own name?” He’d spend 20 minutes trying to work it out on his fingers, then he’d start frustratedly punching himself in the head and bawling “Me not know how spell name! Me sorry!” at the camera before unzipping his trousers and trying to hump it senseless.

Actually, on second thoughts, that sounds quite good. We’d watch it.

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All good things come to an end – and all crap things that star a couple of awful bellends come to an end, too.

Yes, we mean Jon & Kate Plus 8. Apparently TLC has decided to ditch Jon & Kate Plus 8 in both its current and proposed Kate Plus 8 guises. So goodbye Jon and Kate Gosselin, you were one of a kind. You’ll always be remembered as the fame-hungry couple dreadful enough to unblinkingly gamble away the well-being of your own children for a few moments of fleeting celebrity. Nobody could ever take your place.

Except for the Balloon Boy family, obviously. Someone give them a reality show, pronto.

One of the things we hate more than anything is when a show gets axed before its natural conclusion. And it looks like that’s going to be the case with Jon & Kate Plus 8. All those burning questions we had – How long will it be before Jon finally bites the bullet and invests in a wig? Will Kate ever reach her dream of combining 12 bad hairstyles into one haircut instead of the current 11? Exactly how pitifully low will the self-esteem of those children be by the time they reach adulthood? – are just going to be left hanging.

That’s the downside to the rumour that TLC is going to prematurely bring an end to Jon & Kate Plus 8. The upside, of course is that there won’t be any more Jon & Kate Plus 8 on TV from now on. And both Jon and Kate Gosselin will stop being famous. And we won’t have to write about them all the poxy time. And maybe instead of grimly following every last twist in their pointlessly depressing personal lives we’ll be able to go outside and feel the sun on our skin. Oh, the sun. We miss the sun so very much.

So yeah, there are more upsides than downsides. Here’s The Boston Herald with the latest Jon & Kate Plus 8 rumours:

“Jon & Kate Plus 8” will end in mid- to late November… “They will eek out what they can in terms of more shows,” a source close to the situation said. “Obviously they are not shooting anymore, so they are taking what they have and seeing how many more episodes they can get out of it.” Jon has told the network they no longer have his permission to film the children, and TLC will not challenge it.

Finally. This is a big day for Jon Gosselin. His staunch refusal to allow TLC to film his children has effectively brought about the end of Jon & Kate Plus 8. History will see this day as the one time that Jon Gosselin did something that didn’t automatically make the world want to punch him square in his stupid face as hard as it possibly could. Well done, Jon. We’re proud of you.

Of course, this rumour could be quickly undone if, say, TLC realised that Jon Gosselin was primarily financially motivated and decided to offer him a large amount of money to let them film his children again, regardless of the cost to their emotional welfare.

But nobody tell that to TLC, OK? We’re almost in the sodding clear here.

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OK, so perhaps the title of this post is a little too strong. Perhaps we are speaking out of turn. Or perhaps we are just flat out wrong, in our assertions about the more annoying of the two Gosselins (and it’s a tough call). Maybe Jon Gosselin is a stand up guy, with a full head of hair, who loves the his eight children and his ex-wife.

Yeah, we know. We couldn’t hold in the chuckles even when writing the above.

Jon Gosselin struggles with how insufferable he is. Well, he makes us all suffer with his douchery. He insists on appearing on TV interviews, despite not being willing to answer any questions. He eats over-priced salad at The Ivy to make sure his mush gets photographed. He puts up signs outside his house, warding off the paparazzi, which misspell his own name. Yes, these are only some of the laundry list of things that make Jon intolerable.

In the last few weeks it has been rather fun to watch over-hyped load of nonsense Jon and Kate Plus 8 turn into Kate Plus 8 and then Jon and Kate plus their lawyers, as everyone started suing everyone else.

Jon and Kate are from a special place that doesn’t exist in this universe. In this land parents who hate each other must fight and scar their children in front of reality TV crews. It’s the law. It’s a rubbish law that means their children’s assorted neuroses can be caught developing on tape. But it’s also a law that proves handy, because playing back a tape is far less effort than go into long-winded explanations with future shrinks.

The presumed scarring/ using of these children is subject to opinion. An opinion that oddly everyone seems to share; that using children as cash cows is fine so long as both parents are in on it. Using them, with only one parent’s permission, is all kinds of wrong because it can affect the other parent’s bank balance. Speaking of which, stealing is totally cool. Not that we’re encouraging anyone to steal $230,000 out of their spouse’s account. Nope. We’re just saying that if you did, it would be totally funny and everyone would think you were awesome for doing it. Probably.

The most recent thing Jon has done to annoy, is say he’s the most photographed person on the planet. The whole entire planet. Take a second. Just one second. Let is sink in. Got it? Jon has been quoted as saying “I am the most photographed person on the planet”.

From Cele|Bitchy:

Jon Gosselin capped off his media blitz last week with two very long head-scratching interviews with AOL websites PopEater and Parent Dish. [...] Enter the epically frustrating and unintentionally hilarious quotes from daddy douche himself. Jon, who is accused of pilfering $230,000 from his family’s joint account and leaving his estranged wife with just $1,000 to pay the bills, defends himself against Kate’s accusations of stealing money “If I was going to steal $230,000, I would have just stolen $2 million,” talks about how he’s hounded by the paparazzi, calling himself “the most photographed person on the planet,” and goes on about his new found interest in Judiasm following his relationship with a Jewish woman, Hailey Glassman. He pretty much sounds like an idiot the entire time. There are some wise observations in his flurry of words, though, particularly the fact that he’s overexposed. Now I wonder whose fault that is.

This ‘whole planet’ thing includes likeable male celebrities, and celebrity oddities like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. A balding father of eight – on a show that is off-air because of legal issues he is causing – is the most awesome person ever. He’s so awesome that the paparazzi are taking his photo because they think he is cool beans, and not because they are secretly hoping blinding him with their flash bulbs will stop his evil, douche rampage.

Perhaps – and it’s only a thought – if we were to turn the other cheek/ let him eat over-priced salad in peace/ not watch Jon & Kate Plus Hate, then maybe Jon would crawl back under his rock. Just a thought.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who kicks butt

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