Do you wish the Tiger Woods divorce story had less money, glamour, points of interest and endearing characters?
Oh, what’s that? You do? Then do you also wish that the Tiger Woods divorce story had more bad clothes, hairplugs, ill-advised man-jewellery, demonstrably bad haircuts and children who will almost certainly grow up to be psychologically crippled destructive little monsters? You wish that too? Well then have we got some wonderful news for you.
Jon and Kate Gosselin are likely to have their divorce finalised this weekend, pending a judge’s solitary signature. You know what? This is going to be the best Christmas EVER.
If you want proof that there is a God, this may be it. Or if, as is more likely to be the case, you want proof that two juddering self-interested wazzocks don’t have the basic human function to even hold a marriage together because they’re both too busy being tremendously despicable titplanks to ever show an iota of compassion to another living being, then this may also be it.
Basically Jon and Kate Gosselin’s marriage is going to officially come crashing to a halt before Monday. The New York Daily News reports:
The Gosselin’s divorce is imminent ? and Kate is reportedly “thrilled” with what she’s getting. The fractured reality family’s ongoing saga drew nearer to a close on Wednesday after an arbitrator dealing with the divorce proceedings finally made his decision on how divide the couple’s assets… The arbitrator’s decision has been forwarded to the judge presiding over the case.
This is undoubtedly good news. It means that we can consign all the nonsense that Jon and Kate Gosselin have put us through this year – the anaemic reality shows, the countless sobbing interviews, the revolving mental image of Jon Gosselin poking it up a nanny in a hot tub while his children were an another room – to the recycle bin of our minds and get on with our lives again.
True, Jon and Kate Gosselin’s divorce might have thrown up a bit of collateral damage – like the legal battle between Jon Gosselin and TLC and the fact that all of the Gosselin children will grow up to be emotionally stunted waifs whose developmental lack of self-esteem will force them into a series of deeply unpleasant, life-scarring episodes – but that doesn’t matter! Jon and Kate Gosselin are almost divorced! Wahey! Maybe we’ll never hear about either of them ever again!
Of course, this does mean that TLC has one massive family less on its books than it would ideally like. So if you’re a married couple with more children than you can possibly cope with, be sure to contact TLC directly. But make sure that you’re intrinsically both terrible people, though! That’s a dealbreaker!
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