Do you have your sick bags ready? We’re not exaggerating – this story will literally make you vomit yourself blind.

We really can’t overstate that enough. Ready? Jon and Kate Gosselin’s nanny Stephanie Santoro has told a magazine that she had sex with Jon Gosselin. Wait, wait – keep the vomit down. The nanny claims that she had sex with Jon Gosselin in his hot tub. Again, wait – fight the visual image and try to soldier on. Because the sole lesson that Stephanie Santoro has taken from this is that Jon Gosselin “wasn’t terrible” at sex.

OK, now you can barf.

You know, for the life of us we can’t work out why Jon and Kate Gosselin ever got divorced. True, some might say it was because putting money and fame over the emotional stability of their kids was an act that could only result in tragedy. And others might say that it was because Jon Gosselin is rumoured to be an adulterer and Kate Gosselin is rumoured to be an overbearing control freak with a shit haircut.

But that still doesn’t explain it. Because, if you were Kate Gosselin, why would you divorce a man with the staggering raw sexual charisma of Jon Gosselin? No wonder he’s had so many girlfriends since his marriage collapsed – the man is a tiger. He’s got it all – drive, ambition, quick wit, the muscularity of a randy ox, pheromones that you can smell from the moon, balls the size of space hoppers, a tongue that waggles around like an eel in a bucket. Or, to put it in the words of Stephanie Santoro, a nanny who claims that she had sex with Jon Gosselin following the break-up of his marriage:

“[He] wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t the best I ever had.”

That’s right! Jon Gosselin’s former nanny has decided to describe what having sex with Jon Gosselin is like, presumably because she hates humanity and wants to make it suffer. According to Santoro, she and Gosselin had sex nine times over a short period. And how did Jon Gosselin manage to woo his nanny into bed? Watch and learn, boys. Watch and learn. The LA Times reports:

He asked her to come over. Then he asked for a massage. Afterward, he said it was his turn to give her one. Santoro says he told her, ”Well, I guess we can kiss just once.’” After the kiss, they got in Jon’s hot tub. Santoro says she “kept looking at the windows.” She was afraid one of the kids was going to see them… “We continued… and then he fell asleep afterward.”

Screw Stephanie Santoro, we want to have sex with Jon Gosselin now. Having it away with a fat henpecked schlub in a hot tub while his eight children are in the same house and then watching him fall asleep immediately afterwards is SO HOT. Kate Gosselin, you’re a fool for letting this one slip through your fingers.

So, to sum up – Jon Gosselin had disgusting sex with a woman paid to care for his children just metres away from said children, and Kate Gosselin has got a stupid haircut. And yet somehow Jon Gosselin still manages to look like the underdog in all this.

It really is a terrible haircut, you know.

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