We’d like to sincerely apologise to Michael Lohan. In the past we’ve mocked him for discussing Lindsay Lohan’s personal life.
And we’re sorry. We’re truly sorry. Michael Lohan, if you’re reading this, we’d like you to keep revealing aspects of Lindsay Lohan’s personal life to the press, in as minuscule detail as you can possibly manage. Because now we’ve seen what the alternative is, and it’s several times worse.
The alternative to Michael Lohan talking about Lindsay Lohan’s personal life, you see, is Michael Lohan talking about his own personal life. Specifically, talking about how many times he gets to have sex with his new fiance every night. And – given that even thinking about Michael Lohan’s pink, jail-worn penis for even a second is enough to induce waves of feverish vomiting – we’d happily go back to hearing him bang on about how close to death Lindsay Lohan is at any given point in time. Happily.
Michael Lohan has got engaged. There’s nothing weird about that. Michael Lohan’s an attractive man and just because he once attacked someone with a shoe and ended up in jail, and is routinely singled out as the world’s worst father by various members of the Lohan family, and frequently betrays Lindsay Lohan’s trust to her constant vocal dismay, and has been accused of punching an ex-girlfriend in the face and kicking her in the vagina, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t allowed happiness.
But what sort of woman would agree to get married to Michael Lohan? Why, the sort of woman who’d willingly have sex with Jon Gosselin, of course. Not lovely, put-upon, pre-fame Jon Gosselin, either – we mean balding, earringed, puke-coloured shirt-wearing, reality TV choad Jon Gosselin. So step forward Kate Major, because you’re the woman of questionable taste who’ll one day have to stand in a church, look God in the eye and sincerely proclaim that you honestly love Michael Lohan.
That’s fine, though – maybe Michael Lohan and Kate Major really do love each other. And who could deprive them of their happiness? After all, it’s not like Michael Lohan is going around telling everyone how many times he has sex with Kate Major each night, is it?
What’s that? IT IS? Oh dear christ no. Digitalspy reports:
“Kate wants a baby, we practice at least four times a night. We agreed, that if she does get pregnant, one is enough,” Michael said. Michael added that he hopes Lindsay and the rest of his children will attend his wedding “if Dina doesn’t thwart it like she did my dads funeral”.
At least four times a night? Recent heart attack victim Michael Lohan has sex with Kate Major at least four times a night? Boy oh boy, that Kate Major is one lucky woman. Imagine Michael Lohan’s bright red face bearing down on you all contorted four times a night. Imagine that, but with the added possibility of him having another coronary embolism and collapsing lifelessly on top of you so that the paramedics have to physically pull him out of you before they can take him to hospital. Imagine it.
Yep, that Kate Major is one lucky woman alright.
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