Upsetting news for all you Michael Lohan fans – it seems as if Michael Lohan has suffered a minor heart attack.
What’s that? Michael Lohan doesn’t have any fans? Well, push your ill feelings for him to one side for a moment – Michael Lohan is still a human being made of flesh and blood, and he needs your sympathy and good wishes after going through what’s undoubtedly a highly traumatic experience.
Also, he needs you to stand still while he reads out all of the text messages that Lindsay Lohan sent him about his heart attack. No, really, some of them are quite good. And, no, Lindsay probably wouldn’t mind everyone hearing them even though she repeatedly accuses Michael Lohan of betraying her trust. Or maybe she would. Who’s knows with that kid, huh?
Here are three words we never thought we’d write in a row: poor Michael Lohan. No, really, poor Michael Lohan. The poor chap just had a minor heart attack and yesterday he had an angioplasty operation to try and fix it. If that fails, surgeons will move directly onto a bypass. It’s not entirely unexpected – Michael Lohan has been taking medication for a heart condition for years, and in recent weeks he’d been complaining of a tightness in his chest – but it is sad. Hopefully he’ll get well soon.
Obviously Michael Lohan’s family couldn’t immediately rush to his bedside following his episode – Lindsay Lohan is too busy suing a baby for $100 million and Dina Lohan is probably trying to concentrate on coming up with bad puns based on her name that she can use to endorse products – but that doesn’t mean that they don’t care. On the contrary, upon hearing of her father’s heart attack, Lindsay Lohan composed the most heartfelt text message possible; one so profoundly moving that Michael Lohan felt compelled to share it. The New York Daily News reports:
While awaiting an angioplasty procedure Wednesday in which surgeons will place stents to unblock his coronary arteries, Lohan found enough time to blab to the press about a personal message he received from his famous daughter.”I got a text message from Lindsay which read ‘OMG. Hope you are okay’ and my other kids have all been in contact with me, too,” he said from his hospital bed.
“OMG. Hope you are OK”. Goodbye poets, we no longer have any use for you. Lindsay Lohan has managed to sum up the entire human condition – all its peaks and troughs, all its fleeting moments of spiritual connection, all its emotion – into a five-word sentence, two of which are made up of initials. You’ve got a keeper there and no mistake, Michael Lohan.
But still, even though Michael Lohan has somehow shone a light on both a) how little Lindsay Lohan seems to care for him and b) how little respect he continues to have for Lindsay Lohan’s privacy, we nevertheless wish him well. Long may you live, Michael Lohan. At least long enough to write an opportunist book about your family that’s shitty enough for none of them to ever work again. We wouldn’t really have any need for you after that.
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