Great work, Kate Gosselin – your plan to appear on Dancing With The Stars and rehabilitate your image is going great guns.
Let’s have a recap. Kate Gosselin’s Dancing With The Stars partner hates her. The Dancing With The Stars judges hate her. The majority of the Dancing With The Stars viewers hate her. And Jon Gosselin… well obviously Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin, but now he hates her enough to sue her for full custody of their children.
According to Jon Gosselin, by appearing on Dancing With The Stars Kate Gosselin has made herself an absentee parent and can’t care for the kids as well as he could – even though he’s now a professional layabout who lives in a two-bedroom apartment. Maybe they can reach a compromise and give custody of the children to a better-equipped third-party, like a rabid bear or the Stanley Tucci character from The Lovely Bones or something.
Now, look. We know this seems like a terrible news story. It’s about the Gosselins – the two reality show idiots who got famous by having a stupidly amount of children and now refuse to go away – and specifically it’s how their petty, needling behaviour towards each other is coming at the obvious detriment to the emotional stability of their children. We know that.
But let’s look at this in the long term. What’s happening at the moment is that Jon Gosselin is annoyed about Kate Gosselin’s continued appearance on Dancing With The Stars. The children live with Kate Gosselin, you see, but Jon Gosselin thinks that her current dedication to flapping about like a loose wound in a slash of sequined spandex on a TV show once a week means that she’s not committing enough time to their welfare. And that’s why he’s petitioning a court for full custody of them. UsMagazine reports:
An attorney for Jon plans to file an emergency petition this week in Berks County, Penn., for primary physical custody of his eight children with ex-wife Kate. The reality dad’s new lawyer Anthony F. List tells TMZ that Kate is “an absentee mom.” List says her current stint on Dancing with the Stars prohibits her from spending “quality time” with [her children].
We suppose we should congratulate Jon Gosselin for having the self-awareness to hire a lawyer called F List, but that’s beside the point. The point is that, yes, this constant back and forth about custody and parental suitability is bound to hurt the Gosselin children. Jon and Kate Gosselin have demonstrated a consistent inability to put their offspring ahead of their respective desires for revenge and fame, and so they’re effectively dooming the kids to a lifetime of misery, low self-esteem and emotional rootlessness.
But that’s a good thing. Because maybe Jon Gosselin’s petition will scare Kate Gosselin out of appearing on television any more, and Jon Gosselin will realise that Kate Gosselin will petition him right back if he ever appears on a TV show. If this happens, we’ll reach a stalemate situation where neither Jon or Kate Gosselin will ever appear on television again. True, eight children will become unbearably miserable in the process, but who cares about them? There’ll be no more Gosselins on TV! Whoopee!
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter