Not only has he allegedly been attacked by will.i.am/Bill.I.Was/Frank Arnesen/whatever’s manager, he’s now been insulted by a man who vies with Robert Pattinson for the title of ‘Man Who Has Personality Most Like A Brick Wall’ - John Mayer – and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation hate him too.

The musicians, the celebrities, the gays – is there anyone who doesn’t hate Perez Hilton?

Anyone? No?

Ah.

Following the attack of such astonishing brutality Hilton suffered the other day, when he was only able to Twitter his situation a handful of times, we all assumed the world would return to normality for the master of cutting cock-drawing satire.

In fact, we even had the audacity to hope that the world would have turned a corner and embraced Perez in a joint display of affection, sympathy and outright care. It seems he did too.

But no, as it soon came to light that GLAAD weren’t too happy with Hilton’s use of the word “faggot” while insulting will.i.am. Probably because, as we all know, it’s wildly inaccurate – that man likes boobies.

Hilton did apologise for using the word, though not after claiming it was he who was actually owed an apology, and obviously the apology he eventually went on to make was full of “I’m the victim here” caveats and mindless droning about shit no one cares about. But hey – an apology is an apology, right?

This revelation was swiftly followed by a rare spurt of personality from John Mayer’s Twitter feed, which managed to make the gnarled, hoary old form of hecklerspray smirk with their forthright pisstakeyness. While we can’t be bothered to pad this out with the entire script, here’s a bit of it:

Mayer: “Last year Pink kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was p*ssing blood for days. Did I make a scene? Perez Hilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.”

Hilton: “That’s real funny! Ha ha! And I’m sure you also think I ‘deserved’ to get hit!”

Mayer: “Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face. I also want to train you in an old martial art called ‘Never Call A Black Dude a F*ggot Jitsu’.”

We may just have to promote John Mayer to the much-vaunted hecklerspray ranks of ‘Less Twatty’ as a result of this fine form. Well done, sir.

How? Why, by giving John Mayer his own TV show, of course. No, bear with us. You see, if there’s an hour a week where John Mayer is on TV, it’s bound to scare the public into rushing from their homes screaming – straight to the high street. Thanks to CBS and John Mayer, we’re sure the tinned food, DIY bunker and shotgun industries will all easily avoid collapse!

Seriously, John Mayer’s got a TV show. We’re terrified.

If you’re like us, then you think that there aren’t enough girl-haired, smug-as-shit millionaire fops larking around on our TV like they own the bloody thing, regaling us with a mixture of stories about all the supermodels they’ve felt up and performances of godawful self-written weedy piano ballads.

Yes, not content with being everywhere all the time always even though nobody asked or wanted him to, it looks like John Mayer’s getting his own television show. Provisionally titled either Ooh Look At Me I’m John Mayer And I’m So Great or Ooh Look At Me I’m John Mayer And I Know What Jennifer Aniston’s Bumhole Looks Like, the TV show will be a mixture of singing, comedy and variety performances sure to leave every member of the family weeping and begging for the mercy of a swift death in stitches. AP reports:

CBS is close to a deal with pop star John Mayer for a music and variety TV show. CBS Entertainment President Nina Tassler told a meeting of the Television Critics Association that the project is under development and an agreement is near. She didn’t provide details.

Oh, so it’s not a done deal yet? Good, that’s smart thinking on the part of CBS. It’s obvious that the network only wants to give John Mayer a show in the blind hope that he’ll get his girlfriend Jennifer Aniston to be a guest every single week. Imagine if CBS gave John Mayer a contract and he went and split up with Jennifer Aniston and got back together with Jessica Simpson. That’d be a disaster! Nobody would ever watch CBS again!

Then again, CBS and John Mayer do go way back – in 2006 he was a guest star on an episode of CSI, in an episode involving detectives trying to get to the bottom of a crime scene at one of John Mayer’s concerts, where 4,000 innocent people all died clutching their ears at the same time. We forget what the cause of the crime was now.

Still, don’t hold your breath for this John Mayer variety show to hit the airwaves any time soon. It sounds awfully similar to the recent Rosie O’Donnell variety show, and that died without a trace. And if America won’t accept a show about a deliberately abrasive overweight lesbian, then what hope does a rich white man who couldn’t be more soggy if he wet himself in a puddle have?

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So Jennifer Aniston wasn’t taking any chances when it came to her Marley And Me premiere recently. Although she’s going out with a boy who looks like her nephew, Jennifer Aniston wanted to make damn sure that she wouldn’t go to her premiere alone.

That’s why Jennifer Aniston reportedly got her agents to find some famous actors who’d act as her standby boyfriend if John Mayer dropped out. And, to be fair, they’d all probably be more convincing than John Mayer.

This is a tough month for Jennifer Aniston. Not only is she breaking her back to promote a movie that’s basically Beethoven with all the rough edges smoothed off, but she knows that her movie opens on the same day as The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, the film by her ex-husband Brad Pitt.

To make it harder, Brad’s film is being spoken of as a serious Oscar contender, while Aniston’s film is about a funny dog who poos everywhere. And, to make it harder still, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are currently locked into a kind of high-stakes death-spiral battle for publicity. If Brad Pitt talks about his kids, then Jennifer Aniston has to pretend she wants kids. If Brad Pitt talks about Angelina Jolie, then Jennifer Aniston has to whap her boobies out in a magazine. It’s endless.

But at least Jennifer Aniston got a moment of respite at the Marley And Me premiere recently, where she could totally be herself without even having to think about Brad Pitt. Unless, of course, her on/off boyfriend John Mayer split up with her beforehand, in which Jennifer Aniston planned to hyperventilate on the red carpet, hunch into the foetal position and whimper “Oh God no, oh God no, I’m so alone, I’m so very alone” in front of the world’s media.

Or, as a rumoured Plan B, Jennifer Aniston would just get her agents to set up a hokey relationship with whichever unfortunate Hollywood actor happened to nearest at any given moment in time. The LA Times reports:

According to the New York Post, during their split, Aniston’s camp was shopping for a potential date because poor Jen “did not want to be single when her movie opened… A friend of her agent was calling around asking for young men whom they could set her up with,” a source told the N.Y. Post. But the attempt to find a replacement for Mayer failed and — as if by magic — Mayer and Aniston got back together.

Now, OK, yes, if that’s true it does sound toe-curlingly embarrassing for Jennifer Aniston – but it happens all the time in Hollywood. Even Brad Pitt does it. Admittedly instead of getting a friend or his agent to ring round a bunch of actresses and plead with them to pretend to be his girlfriend for one night, Brad Pitt just found a stable partner to mother his children and share his life with. But, you know, it’s close enough.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter how true this rumour is, because Jennifer Aniston will see this story as a victory anyway. It’s accomplished her two prime directives in life – firstly it’s got her name in print again, and secondly it draws attention away from the fact that she’s made a rubbishy-looking film about a dog. Congratulations, Jennifer!

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Not so long ago we were swamped with rumours that Jennifer Aniston, deafened by the epic clanging of her biological clock, had bit the bullet and let fop-haired manboy John Mayer shove a bun in her oven. But apparently that’s not the case. And how do we know?

Because Jennifer Aniston recently went to a restaurant in quite a tight blouse – something that no pregnant woman has ever done. On top of that, people are now claiming that the pregnancy rumours were started deliberately to steal attention away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And it worked – thanks to all the pregnancy rumours we’re now desperate to see Jennifer Aniston’s new movie called, um, whatever it’s called.

We don’t know about you, but we’ve spent the last few weeks trying to organise a ragtag gang of furious torch-wielding locals to hang around outside Jennifer Aniston’s house chanting doomy biblical soundbites. Why? Because we thought that Jennifer Aniston was pregnant with John Mayer’s baby, that’s why, and we’re pretty sure the resulting baby would end up bringing about the end of the world.

We’re being serious. Not only would a Jennifer Aniston/ John Mayer baby end up being so genetically predisposed to rabid attention-seeking that it would literally never stop until every inch of the media did nothing but relentlessly focus on it around the clock, but it’d also have stupid hair and a funny-looking chin. It’d be awful.

But that’s something we can worry about another time, because Jennifer Aniston is almost definitely not pregnant, and that’s because she showed up at a restaurant in a tight top recently. If that’s not enough, some are saying that the whole pregnancy rumour was deliberately schemed up to get the headlines away from Aniston’s arch-rival Angelina Jolie for once, as a magazine editor told MSNBC:

“Every time Brad or Angelina is in the news, and it’s a story that’s so exclusive only one outlet really gets the story, the natural reaction is to come up with a story about Jen to combat the attention… But now she did lunch at (popular Hollywood eatery) the Ivy in a tight shirt? I mean, the Ivy? Usually Jen is above that sort of thing. She obviously knew she’d be photographed there.”

Poor old Jennifer Aniston. If she gets pregnant everyone thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she proves she’s not pregnant, everyone still thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she wears clothes that don’t hang off her like a big saggy tent, people get so enraged about all her attention-seeking that they actually start squirting blood out of their eyes.

So maybe this might be the start of a new, more demure Jennifer Aniston – one who doesn’t feel the need to constantly compete with Angelina Jolie by having every single aspect of her personal life detailed in all the celebrity magazines. And we look forward to seeing the introduction of this new, less showy Jennifer Aniston on Thursday night where she’ll, um, cavort around dressed as a French maid on 30 Rock. Oh.

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Both of those are said to be excellent egg moisturisers, and are pretty much equally inexpensive. If you end up going the mayonnaise route, be warned – in nine months time you could poop out a fully made five-dollar foot-long. We hear this is only painful when its on French bread.

And if you go the sperm route, well, that has consequences too – like having to see John Mayer every other weekend, on some holidays and once in a while at a parent-teacher conference. You don’t want that, do you? Well according to Star Magazine Jennifer Aniston does. They say she’s on fertility drugs in heavy anticipation of receiving his seed.

Jennifer Aniston is almost 40 and she doesn’t even have any stupid kids yet. With a really huge age like that she’s only got two choices in the baby department. One is to get exact duplicates of Angelina Jolie’s hair style and tattoos, move in over there, lock her competition in the basement and hope Brad Pitt doesn’t stop to think about why the mother of his children suddenly tastes like a love long since past.

Her other option is to fill herself full of fertility drugs and ask John Mayer to politely go to town until they’ve literally made thousands of children all at once. According to Star Magazine she’s going through with option #2:

“In the Nov. 17 issue of Star — on sale now! — we report that Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John. As we told readers earlier this year, Jen’s biological clock began ticking so loudly that she had some of her eggs frozen just in case she didn’t meet Mr. Right in time. But now that she’s proposed  to John — as Star also reported — and he’s excited about being a dad, she’s doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She’s even been having alternative medicine treatments to increase her chances of having twins.”

The magazine goes on to say that John is also working hard to impregnate his guitar so that his and Jen’s children will have little baby instruments to strum on should they feel so inclined. It’s in paragraph twelve. We think that part was in paragraph twelve.

If hecklerspray’s father had followed through on impregnating his tuba like he promised almost three months ago, we’d probably be in a pretty awesome marching band by now.

But we’re not – we’ve learned to live with that. For now we’ll just have to keep walking perfect high-stepping straight lines in our basement bedroom while blowing the approximate theme to Rocky through a soppy-ended paper towel tube.

It’s actually a lot cooler than it looks in writing there.

We swear it is.

That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, the celebrity couple that you know nobody cares the slightest sniff about, presumably not even Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, who get shoved into your face around the clock regardless – are back on, with Aniston apparently being the guest of honour at Mayer’s 31st birthday party.

What’s more, John Mayer has apparently written a song about Jennifer Aniston to show his devotion, sealing their romance. The song, entitled Shut Up You Whiny Pinch-Faced Bitch, is due for release next month by the way.

Jennifer Aniston is starting to get on a little in years now, and her biological clock must be positively shrieking at her 24/7. Presumably it’s shrieking for her to have a baby so overwhelmingly bland that she may as well just push a pillowcase with with a marker-pen face drawn on it out of her birth canal, because her romantic partner of choice lately seems to be John Mayer, and he certainly has the genes to provide that function.

Not so long ago John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston were on, before suddenly deciding to be off again. Since then, we expect that John Mayer has been on a journey of painful introspection, anguished that he’d let the love of his life slip through his fingers just because he was mildly ashamed that he looked like a boy having an inappropriate romance with his auntie every time they went out together.

But lately there have been signs that the Manny Man Maniston relationship – yeah, we think we’ll stick with that one – was starting to flourish again. Last week Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were seen kissing at an airport, and now it seems that things are taking a turn for the serious in a blizzard of flirty text messages, birthday party invitations and songwriting, as a source told The Mirror:

“Determined to show he’s a changed man, John has cut right back down on his drinking and has pledged to quit smoking rollies – two things that really annoyed Jennifer. He has even written a song about their time together and played it to Jennifer who, naturally, was incredibly touched. But so far things are going well, and both parties are hopeful of a long-term reconciliation.”

It sounds sweet, doesn’t it, that John Mayer has thought to write a song for Jennifer Aniston. But remember, any sweetness in the gesture is obliterated by the fact that it’s a John Mayer song, and is therefore probably about as romantic as watching your boyfriend have sex with your sister as he repeatedly punches you about the face.

But still, if it makes both of them happy, then we should all be thrilled for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Without a doubt, each of them has found the perfect partner for traipsing around the world scowling at the paparazzi while secretly being pleased that they’re considered important enough to still be paparazzi targets. It’s sweet.

And, yes, if they’re back on it means we’ll have to brace ourselves for a flurry of messy John Mayer/ Jennifer Aniston split stories that roughly coincide with the DVD release of He’s Just Not That Into You, but we’ll throw ourselves off that bridge when we come to it.

And that’s why, when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up earlier this year, the world slipped into a deep gloom. For instance, you know how the stock market collapsed and capitalism ended and food and fuel prices suddenly surged and the environment’s on the brink of disaster and we’re all going to die of bird flu? Yeah, that all happened because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer split up. It’s true.

However, it’s time to get out the bunting because now Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back together! And if they’re not back together, then they’ve almost certainly been caught with their tongues wedged right the way down each other’s gullet in an airport in front of everyone. So, you know, get the bunting out once the waves of nausea have subsided. There’s no rush.

Say what you like about Brad Pitt, but he does love a woman who can shamelessly whore out her entire live to promote a movie. His current squeeze Angelina Jolie does this by buying her children weapons every time she’s got a film out, but even that’s no match for the level of dedication shown by his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston is the queen of movie promotion. She loves promoting movies so much that when she made The Break-Up she got together with her co-star during filming just so they could break up during The Break-Up’s DVD promotion. That’s literal commitment so strong you can only breathe a sigh of relief that the film wasn’t called Doing A Poo In The Road Next To Some Crying Children.

And now Jennifer Aniston has two movies coming out shortly – He’s Just Not That Into You and Marley & Me. Dating her co-stars was out for both of these – The five leads in He’s Just Not That Into You are all female and being a lesbian is gross, and her co-star in Marley & Me is Owen Wilson, which wouldn’t exactly be a bundle of giggles – but it’s OK because Jennifer Aniston has a plan B.

And that’s John Mayer. Oh, come on. John Mayer. He went out with Jennifer Aniston briefly in the summer before they split up about five seconds later. You know, girly hair. Foppish-looking. When he’s in public with Jennifer Aniston he looks like a little boy out with his inappropriately sexual mother. Yeah, that’s the one.

Well, apparently Jennifer Aniston is back with John Mayer again. Because they were both seen at an airport totally making out and being all like ‘unng-unng-uh-uh’ with their tongues all over each other. Totally. The National Enquirer said so:

“They were very lovey-dovey. They kissed several times and hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss… Jennifer was in New York doing some shopping before she starts promotional work for her new movies. John was relaxing after finishing his international tour, and they hooked up.“

Is it just us, or did anyone else expect that description to wander into Mills & Boon territory? ‘They hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss. The touch of his fingertips brought a spike of desire to her very core. She gasped with pleasure as he wantonly ran his fingers along the top of her silk unmentionables…’

Anyway, don’t get too excited about the prospect of a full-on Jennifer Ansiton/John Mayer reunion, because these reports are all completely unconfirmed. For all we know, that wasn’t even Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer kissing anyway – it could have just been two people who look like Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, or a rudimentary papier mache sculpture of a woman and a pretty mop.

No, we don’t know which one would be who either.

It’s not that we didn’t expect him to go down that route, but it does still irritate when it actually happens. After all, he is still a dull nobody that would have faded into obscurity had he kept his mouth shut about the relationship and consequent split.

So obviously he’s gone for the old ‘talk about her to the press in an annoying fashion, just so people don’t forget who I am for at least two extra weeks, and places like that amazing hecklerspray.com will write about me again’ route that so many ineffectual Z-listers opt for.

Well we won’t, John Mayer. We wo… oh. We have. Bugger.

See, after the breakup – no, not the movie with Jennifer and another of her exes Vince Vaughn – Mayer decided to talk to anyone who would listen, spunking his intimate knowledge around as many media outlets as he knew would report it. And some that wouldn’t.

Speaking to reporters in the street, apparently, Mayer said:

“There’s no lying, there’s no cheating, there’s no nothing. Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met. People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right.”

Well isn’t that just sweet, eh? It’s obviously as dull and middle of the road as we expected from the king of mediocrity, but at least there’s no real venom in it. We can sleep soundly at night. Though it is still the rampant fame-hungry behaviour of a man desperate to cling on to some of the limelight that fleetingly glanced across his brow for such a short amount of time.

And it did clearly irritate Jennifer Aniston, if those magical sources we love so much are to be believed. Speaking to the press, one ’source’ said these words, and by the looks of things they were frothing at the mouth when they did so:

“Jennifer will never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. John’s childish behaviour only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child. Expect Jennifer to behave like a lady.”

The righteous fury didn’t end there though, and the source (of rage) went on:

“Jennifer was tired of paying for everything. Cobwebs come flying out of John’s wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. Jennifer would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.”

Which probably means Jennifer had to pay for this meal that we reported on in such world-changing fashion oh so long ago. We do remember seeing Mayer pat his pockets and shrug his shoulders when the bill arrived, showing the international sign language for ‘whoopsie – me gone dun and forgot mah wallet!’.

Well John – you’re going to have to pay for your own meals now. Take that!

Yes, it would seem that the relationship that had been hyped as ‘the love of the century’ – we may be making that one up – has gone the way of the perennially single Dodo, as Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have reportedly broken up.

Try to fight back the tears, we’re sure Jennifer is managing to. Especially seeing as she’s now getting her thang on with some kind of model man from Britney Spears‘ Toxic video.

At least that’s more interesting than a nobody in a band, who seems to automatically screw any celebrity woman inhabiting a three-mile radius of his penis. We mean like John Mayer, if you weren’t paying attention.

But what was it that pushed the couple that we expected to marry within about four seconds over the edge? Was it a fist fight? A brutal assault? Endless verbal sparring that created as much sexual tension as it did pure, unadulterated rage? Well, no, not really. He couldn’t commit to her.

Of all the ruddy rubbish reasons women get fed…

But not only is that something that people have picked up on or overheard, it’s actually been put out there by one of our favourite things – a ’source’ – who made these claims:

“John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved.

“Contrary to reports, Jennifer didn’t want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. She also wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.”

It’s probably not the kind of thing you really want ‘out there’ in medialand now, is it? The fact that on one side you have a man incapable of settling down and on the other you have what very well seems to be a mental bint, hell bent on carefully planning the rest of your life for you before you’re even past 30 – well, it doesn’t help the image of either party, frankly.

Though let’s be honest, it makes Rachel come off worse, so we’re guessing the source was probably Mayer’s mum. On the other hand, maybe with Aniston’s succession of very public failed romances, it may well be true? She could well be something of a psycho harpy, for all we know.

We’ll have to see how the model man reacts – maybe she’ll demand he has to stop being attractive within a six month timeframe, just to keep the POA on schedule and to make sure he’s home to impregnate her on command.

All the while John Mayer is sure to be spreading his dull, uninspiring seed around whichever backwater towns he feels the need to tour in – but hey, at least he’ll be happy that he isn’t under the cosh any more, and at least a few more people actually know who he is since his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And as a result they know exactly why they should ignore the dull waste of skin.

How serious? So serious that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been seen out together ‘laughing at each other’s jokes’. What’s more, they might have actually kissed in private once. Whatever could be next? Hand-holding? Nonspecific fondling? This madness has to stop!

Actually, sod the confetti – it sounds like a wedding’s so inevitable here that if we have to fling shredded clumps of our own flesh at the happy couple to celebrate their union that’s what we’ll do.

Call us premature if you like, but Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer should totally have children. True, Jennifer would have got a better looking kid if got pregnant by Brad Pitt, and a funnier kid if she got pregnant by Vince Vaughn, but a John Mayer baby is a guarantee that at least Jennifer Aniston will have a baby with quite nice hair – hopefully nice enough to disguise the fact that it’ll be the dullest baby ever born.

Why the sudden rush to imagine what a Jennifer Aniston/ John Mayer baby will look like? Because they’re totally doing it is why. The early rumours suggesting a romance between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer seem to be spot on, because Aniston has been seen cavorting around in public with Mayer in that kind of ‘look at me, I’m so happy’ way that women do when they get a new boyfriend who obviously isn’t as good as their last one.

And that in itself is a big step – when Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn were together they didn’t even show up to the red carpet at the same time for movie premieres, even when it was the premiere for the movie that they both starred in together. Entire episodes of Oprah were dedicated to Jennifer Aniston explaining that she didn’t really like Vince Vaughn as much as everyone thought. So actual physical touching in public seems like a pretty big step, as OK reports:

And, fingers crossed, she might have just stumbled onto it. It’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston may have found love with squidge-faced bluesman John Mayer after the pair of them were both seen eating in a restaurant with ‘their heads close together.’ Sounds like love to us.

If it’s true it’s nice to see that Jennifer Aniston has successfully moved on from Brad Pitt once and for all, and has learnt her lesson about getting into relationships with tedious-looking prettyboys by getting into a relationship with a… oh. Never mind.

Hey, remember when Jennifer Aniston was married to Brad Pitt, perhaps the most desired man on the planet? And remember when Jennifer Aniston found love with Vince Vaughn who, while not fitting the conventional parameters of attractiveness, was still one of the most popular movie stars on the planet at the time?

You do? Well, let’s hope that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t remember any of that, because now she might have got herself involved with one of Jessica Simpson’s cast-offs, and that’s quite a depressing drop in quality.

Jennifer Aniston is currently in Miami filming Marley & Me, a film about a dog who stops Owen Wilson from committing suicide or something. Anyway, although there were murmurings of an Aniston/ Wilson romance, hopes were dashed when Owen Wilson got back together with Kate Hudson.

That left two options open to Jennifer Aniston – either start banging on about Brad Pitt again, which might be starting to get a bit old, or hook up with the first pretty-haired troubadour who crosses her path, even if he does have a history of boning whichever female celebrity happens to be nearest.

Which we assume is why Jennifer Aniston was seen eating dinner with John Mayer recently. Well, we say ’seen’. It’s more accurate to suggest that the restaurant owner basically just stood outside his front and yelled “Hey, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer just ate in here! They’re totally doing it!” through a loudhailer, as People reports:

When it came to lunch, “I was happy to accommodate them,” says Charles Bell, general manager of Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink in the Miami Design District, which opened its doors for the pair early at 3:30 p.m. for the 90-minute meal… The same also seemed to be true later in the day, when the two were seen at Casa Tua on South Beach. When they returned to her hotel, they were observed holding hands. “We are very discreet here,” the manager of Casa Tua told PEOPLE after the two had departed. “That is why we have celebrity guests.”

It’s early days for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer yet – they’re still at the stage where restaurant owners can still cash in over the fact that they’ve eaten at their establishment – but things might just work out fine for them both. For a start, John Mayer isn’t starring in a film with Jennifer Aniston, so that’ll fend off accusations that their relationship is a marketing ploy. And also he’s not nearly as handsome as Brad Pitt, so that bitch Angelina Jolie is less likely to steal him away.

And if things go really well, then maybe Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer will even have babies. If that’s the case then we can be certain that the Aniston/Mayer baby will have beautiful hair. And it’ll also be boring, a bit whiny and ridiculously annoying, but the hair will make up for that.

Read more:

Jennifer Aniston On the Town with John Mayer – People

By the looks of it, as soon as your penis gets anywhere near to Jessica Simpson, Cosmopolitan magazine lobs a Fun Fearless Male award at you too.

Yesterday's Fun Fearless Male award luncheon in New York was attended by John Mayer (who did it with Jessica Simpson), Tony Romo (who's doing it with Jessica Simpson) and Dane Cook (who might have done it with Jessica Simpson). Factor in the fact that last year's winner was Jessica Simpson's ex-husband Nick Lachey and you may as well rename the caboodle The Fun, Fearless And Suddenly Quite Paranoid About The Size Of Their Penis awards.

Everyone, at some point in their lives, has to deal with the crushingly awkward situation of running into an old flame and being forced to make clumsily stilted conversation with their new partner. It's horrible – small-talk is difficult at the best of times without your entire brain refusing to move on from shrieking "I bet he's better at sex than you!" at full volume – which is why sometimes it's better just to have a massive punch-up like Kid Rock and Tommy Lee did that time. Rather that than let the voices in your head win, we say.

But sometimes the situation is unavoidable. Like, for instance, if you ever sleep with Jessica Simpson there's a good chance that you'll eventually run into another man who's slept with Jessica Simpson. Because, you know, Jessica Simpson is a total whore.

Oh, we're just kidding – Jessica Simpson isn't a whore. She just sleeps exclusively with men who identically fit the profile of a Cosmopolitan magazine Fun Fearless Male, which can get a little awkward come the annual Cosmopolitan Fun Fearless Male luncheon. USA Today reports:

Cosmo bestowed its Fun Fearless Male of the Year title to Simpson's ex, singer John Mayer, and some of his fellow honorees could have been straight from her little black book: Dallas Cowboys quarterback and current Simpson squeeze Tony Romo and Dukes of Hazzard co-star Dane Cook, whom tabloids linked to her. Last year, Simpson's ex-husband, Nick Lachey, received top honors at the same ceremony… "I haven't hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I'm honored," said rapper/actor Common when it was his turn to accept an award.

Not only that, but the founder of MySpace also won a Fun Fearless Male award, and he's helping Jessica Simpson go to Kuwait to perform soon. So why has everyone who Jessica Simpson ever been romantically involved with received a Fun Fearless Male award? Well, we don't know about the 'fun' part but you're sure to be pretty fearless after spending a few months waking up in the night, seeing Jessica Simpson's silhouetted jawline and thinking that a giant robot Tyrannosaurus had come from the future to bite you in half. 

And Jessica Simpson should be pleased about this, too – her career might be constantly hitting ever-lower depths, but at least she knows that she's got a decent taste in men. Or that men are sucking all her talent out of her vagina with their penises. Could be either, all said.

Read more:

'Cosmo' men joke about Jessica Simpson thread - USA Today