Oh, now we get it. Now we understand why John Mayer called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’ recently.

It all makes so much sense. The reason why John Mayer described Jessica Simpson as ‘sexual napalm’ is because her breath smells like a mixture of petrol and burnt flesh. It has to, because Jessica Simpson has just revealed that she only brushes her teeth about three times a week. But it’s OK, because she’ll wipe her teeth with a shirt whenever they get a bit dirty. She’s not a monster or anything.

We’re not making a word of this up, by the way. Jessica Simpson told Ellen DeGeneres, in front of an audience, while she was being filmed by a number of television cameras, that she only brushes her teeth three times a week. If this isn’t an aggressive move on Jessica Simpson’s part to render us obsolete, we don’t know what is.

Remember all those rumours that Jessica Simpson had found love with Billy Corgan? Remember wondering what bonded a statuesque yet famously vacant blonde booby machine like her to a bald, almost-transparent, whining Nosferatu wannabe like him? Well now we know. It’s what we assume is a hideous dental regime.

Corgan’s teeth we know about. They look like little stumpy fangs. They look like he flosses with old ship rope, uses acid as a mouthwash and smashes a breezeblock into his face whenever he loses his toothbrush. But that’s OK because he’s Billy Corgan. His fans want him to look a bit like a sex pest who lives on a traffic island. But we expected better of Jessica Simpson.

But no. Because Jessica Simpson apparently only brushes her teeth three times a week. Honestly. Here’s what she told Ellen DeGeneres, as UsMagazine reports:

The singer, 29, admits in an episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show that she only brushes her teeth “maybe three times a week.” Why? “Because my teeth are so white and I don’t like them to feel too slippery but I do use Listerine and I do floss everyday,” she explains. “But I don’t brush them every day. I need a little coating….” Instead, she’ll “use a shirt or something” to scrub her chompers clean.

See? There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it! Her teeth are too slippery! At least that’s better than the excuse we were expecting, which was that she keeps forgetting what her dental equipment looks like and that brushing your teeth with a toilet brush covered in tomato puree gets old after about the first 40 or 50 times.

But still, it’s nice to see the trend developing. First she appears in a magazine without any make-up on, then she stops brushing her teeth. Next thing we know Jessica Simpson will go out in public with dirty great fistfuls of pubic hair poking out of her hotpants, and then she’ll grow her monobrow back in, and then she’ll stop washing her face until it becomes covered with unsightly boils that erupt and trickle pus into her mouth without a moment’s warning.

And we still won’t notice because she’s got quite big boobs. The world’s funny like that.

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John Mayer can’t have known what sort of nightmare he’d stumble into when he called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’.

But now he knows. Now John Mayer’s going to get his arse handed to him. Worse still, he’s going to get his arse handed to him by Jessica Simpson’s new boyfriend Billy Corgan. And when you’re having your arse handed to you by a wan, squat, snaggle-toothed Count Orlok lookalike whose skin is so pale that it may as well be completely translucent, you know that you’re in trouble.

We’ve just seen the opening salvo of this simmering John Mayer vs Billy Corgan war take place, with Corgan warning Mayer that he’s destroying his own career. Hey Billy, that’s not actually a bad thing! Keep your voice down, you bald idiot!

Whatever you think of Jessica Simpson, you have to admit that she’s got her fair share of her admirers. Nick Lachey liked her enough to marry her, her own dad liked her enough to yammer on about her boobs in public like some sort of freakishly uninhibited lunatic. And then there’s John Mayer, the man who managed to interrupt a Playboy interview about the suspect racial views of his penis to describe Jessica Simpson as ‘sexual napalm’, and that he’d spend all his money on having sex with her if possible.

And now Jessica Simpson has a new man. No, that’s unfair. He’s not a man, he’s Billy Corgan, so technically Jessica Simpson has a new fang-toothed slaphead glum indie bellend with a voice like a witch in a windtunnel. And as unlikely as their love may be, Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson are together, and Billy will defend his new love to the hilt. So long as he can do it in a cripplingly passive-aggressive way via a magazine like Rolling Stone. Which he has – look:

“He’s trying to destroy his career. Rather than take a year off or change his musical direction, some part of it is irritating his soul to the point where he’s trying to blow it up. Certainly a talented guy, but empathetically, standing on the sidelines, it’s hard to watch someone literally burn their career to the ground speaking as somebody who’s done it.”

And now that Billy Corgan has got that out of his system, everything can get back to normal. Suitably chastened, John Mayer can return to his first love of singing rubbishy songs in a girl’s voice. Jessica Simpson can shed her sexual napalm reputation and go back to being musical napalm. And, now that he’s sorted everything out, Billy Corgan can return to Jessica Simpson’s arms and have lots of really graphic, slow motion sex with lots of close-ups of his gurning face twisted into an uncomfortably large number of nightmarish orgasmic faces. So, in a way, everyone wins.

Except you, obviously. You’ve got that mental image to carry around with you all day. Sorry.

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Jessica Simpson is good at sex. Better than good. She’s amazing at sex. She is, according to John Mayer, sexual napalm.

What’s sexual napalm? The truth is, we just don’t know. We imagine it means that Jessica Simpson’s vagina can cause severe burns, and that anybody within 100 feet of Jessica Simpson when she has sex runs the risk of dying from heat stroke, dehydration, suffocation or smoke inhalation. The trail of Jessica Simpson’s sexual partners, all of whom are now withered Bombenbrandschrumpfleichen-stricken carcasses, are a testament to this.

But anyway, Jessica Simpson is good at sex. And, as she’s told Oprah Winfrey, she wishes that people would shut up about it.

These should be the happiest days of Jessica Simpson’s life. People finally know what she’s for. She may have struggled to maintain a music career, and her career as a reality TV star are long behind her, and she’s yet to make a film that isn’t so unbelievably hopeless that it’s all we can do not to fling ourselves into the path of an oncoming train as soon we so much as think about it, and she can’t even design any clothes without getting sued, but that’s OK. Now we know that Jessica Simpson’s only role in life is to be objectified as a thoughtless sex object. She should be thrilled about this.

But is she? Is she bollocks. Ever since John Mayer spent a worryingly large part of his infamous ‘racist penis’ Playboy interview describing exactly what she’s like in the sack, Jessica Simpson’s life has been turned upside down. Now nobody wants to talk about the entire TV series she’s managed to make about that day where she looked a bit fat. They only want to talk about how she can probably dislocate her pelvis and tie a knot in a metal spoon with her tongue at the same time, or whatever it is she does.

And Jessica Simpson has had enough. That’s why she’s appeared on Oprah to tell everyone how sad she was when John Mayer made his remarks. MTV reports:

When Jessica Simpson sat down with Oprah Winfrey for an episode airing Wednesday, she addressed the controversial and personal comments former flame John Mayer said about her in Playboy magazine. “I don’t want people to know how I am in bed!” Simpson told Winfrey.

Now we’re not exactly PR experts, but if Jessica Simpson is really as sick of her reputation as she says she is, she’s doing a terrible job of making it all go away. Taking the problem to a widely-watched TV show like Oprah is just going to draw even more attention to it.

Take our advice – if Jessica Simpson really wants people to stop thinking of her as sexual napalm, then she’s going to have to start having all kinds of really disappointing sex with strangers. Statistically some of her partners will try to sell their story afterwards, and it’ll only take a few ‘She accidentally elbowed me in the face’ or ‘She fell asleep halfway through’ or ‘Ouch! My perineum!’ headlines before everyone’s forgotten about the whole napalm thing. Our cheque’s in the post, Jessica.

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Some say that calling his penis a white supremacist in an interview is the worst thing that John Mayer has ever done.

But is it? After all, that would be to discount every song that John Mayer has ever written. And his annoying girl’s voice. And his stupid hair. And his face. And all of his relationships. And everything else that he has done, is doing or will ever do until the end of time. But using a Playboy interview to spout racially-insensitive remarks was sort of stupid, we’ll admit.

And John Mayer is sorry. John Mayer is so sorry that he interrupted a concert to a) explain what a juddering bellend he is and b) promise not to be so awful in the future. And then he carried on playing one of his own songs, which suggests that he hasn’t quite got the hang of the second part yet.

John Mayer doesn’t deserve all of the negative attention he’s been getting over the last couple of days. All he ever wanted to do was just play a bunch of insufferably girly songs on his guitar while feigning vulnerability by gazing wistfully into the middle-distance, and now everyone hates him.

Why? How was he to know that sleeping with as many celebrities as possible and then graphically describing their sexual abilities, while interjecting with a number of racially-unsettling asides, during an interview with a magazine that old men with dirty fingernails traditionally use as a masturbatory aid would dent his image? Oh, being a celebrity is so hard.

So what can John Mayer do to repair his image? He can’t follow Mel Gibson and go to rehab because, as he said on his own Twitter page ‘they don’t make rehab centers for being an a-hole’. He can’t apologise to the community leaders of those who he offended because it’d take an impractically long time, given that he’d have to apologise to black community leaders, female community leaders, black female community leaders, whoever the leader of Jessica Simpson‘s community is and to the leader of the community of disgruntled masturbating old men.

Instead, John Mayer has chosen to apologise to his fans. And that’s what he tearfully did during a recent concert in Nashville. Look, there’s video of it and everything…

Now, admittedly the thought of sitting through a seven-minute video of an unbearably smug man holding up his own concert to offer apologise for being a berk in front of a crowd of largely moronic females whose only real response is to scream every time he says the word ‘guitar’ might not appeal to you. Luckily, People has excerpts:

Wringing his hands on stage, the troubled guitarist told his audience at the Sommet Center that he fell into “a wormhole of selfishness, greediness and arrogance” and “in the quest to be clever, forgot about the people who love me and that I love.”

What’s more, John Mayer has also claimed that he was about to quit ‘the media game’ as a result of his Playboy interview. Which is wonderful news, so long as he realises that albums and music videos and concerts are technically a type of media too. Once that’s clear we might be ready to forgive him.

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Goodness, where to start with John Mayer’s Playboy interview? The part where he described his ‘white supremacist’ penis?

The use of the N-word? The part where he claimed to have faced similar hardships as black people? The bit where he described what Jessica Simpson was like at sex in unnecessarily graphic detail?

No. For now, let’s just concentrate on the fact that John Mayer decided to give an interview to Playboy, tried his hand at some over-compensatory male banter, succeeded only in offending giant swathes of the population and convinced everyone that he’s even more of a dick than they originally thought. And this is John Mayer, remember, so everyone already thought he was quite a lot of a dick.

To understand John Mayer is to understand that his story is essentially an internal struggle between his puppy-eyed acoustic balladeer super-ego, and the raging id that makes him act like the world’s worst cock every chance he gets. Fortunately, both sides of John Mayer have been interviewed lately. The sappy Mayer super-ego was interviewed by Rolling Stone last month, while the id has been speaking to Playboy. Turns out that John Mayer’s id is a bit of a wanker. Who knew?

We’ll start with the most controversial thing from John Mayer’s Playboy interview. That’d be this line:

“Someone asked me the other day, ‘What does it feel like now to have a hood pass? If you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n—– pass But I said, ‘I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

We should probably point out that John Mayer has since apologised for the use of this racial slur on Twitter. He hasn’t apologised for essentially comparing the entire black experience to the unimaginable struggle of not getting a nice table at a fancy restaurant without a reservation, though. But maybe that’s because he’s too busy trying to think of how to apologise for calling his penis a white supremacist:

“My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, ‘Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.’”

But don’t worry. There’s more to John Mayer than a flurry of racially-insensitive remarks. He didn’t get where he is today by simply making a set of sub-Bernard Manning cracks to a titty magazine. No, because that would be forgetting his streak of casual misogyny, as demonstrated by his description of ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson:

“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”

Actually, this line is slightly easier to justify. Calling an ex-girlfriend ‘sexual napalm’ in public might not seem like the classiest way to go, but we think we see the connection. John Mayer is saying that Jessica Simpson is thick, and that it burns after you’ve finished having sex with her.

We could be wrong, though.

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John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston made an unusual couple, didn’t they? There was the eight-year age difference.

There was the fact that he wasn’t one of her co-stars. There was the fact that he was John Mayer and ugh ugh uggity ugh. We could go on. But anyway, since John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston split up, they’ve both gone on to find happiness elsewhere – Aniston with anybody even tangentially connected with any of films and Mayer with…

No, wait. John Mayer hasn’t found happiness at all. He still misses Jennifer Aniston. Breaking up with her was one of the hardest moments of her life. He feels like an arsehole about it all. No, really – he told Rolling Stone as much. And now we’re telling you. Looks like you got the crappy end of this deal, really.

Science would have you believe that there is nothing worse in the entire universe than listening to a John Mayer album. And, until recently, that theory held. After all, between the floppy hair, the stupid sensitive eyes, the namby-pamby voice and the songs that all sound like they should be played on a loop in hell’s least favourite branch of Starbucks, listening to a John Mayer album is pretty much the most comprehensively rubbish thing you could ever wish to do.

However, that was until we discovered that listening to a John Mayer album had been superseded in the awfulness stakes by listening to a John Mayer break-up album about Jennifer Aniston. Because, oh God, remember when John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston were together? First they were on, then they were off, then they might have been on again, then blah blah blah. It had all the fire and spice you’d expect from a woman who makes films about naughty puppies and a man who sounds like Jason Mraz‘s enfeebled rejected twin.

So imagine all of that set to music. Awful, isn’t it? Now, imagine that set to John Mayer music. We know, we know. It makes us sad, too. But that’s effectively what John Mayer’s new album Battle Studies is.

Still, you know what’s even worse than that? John Mayer doing an interview with Rolling Stone about his break-up with Jennifer Aniston to promote his Jennifer Aniston break-up album. Yup, brace yourselves. People reports:

Calling himself an “asshole” for breaking up with on-again-off-again squeeze Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer admits he’s having a hard time moving on. “I’ve never really gotten over it… It was one of the worst times of my life…. I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing,” he says. “Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it.”

Poor old John Mayer, eh? We’re not really sure what his problem is, though – if he wants to get back together with Jennifer Aniston so much, then he should probably go and star in one of her films. Everyone knows that’s the easiest way to start a relationship with her. It’ll probably last at least until the DVD release, too, if the film turns out to be popular.

Still, good for Rolling Stone for allowing us a glimpse into John Mayer’s tangled romantic life. Hopefully this means next week OK! magazine will feature a lengthy essay about the textural complexities of the new Spoon album. Can’t wait for that.

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We at hecklerspray feel nothing but intense sympathy for the shining beacon of all celebrity cock-drawing that is Perez Hilton after the suffering he must have been through recently.

Not only has he allegedly been attacked by will.i.am/Bill.I.Was/Frank Arnesen/whatever’s manager, he’s now been insulted by a man who vies with Robert Pattinson for the title of ‘Man Who Has Personality Most Like A Brick Wall’ - John Mayer – and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation hate him too.

The musicians, the celebrities, the gays – is there anyone who doesn’t hate Perez Hilton?

Anyone? No?

Ah.

Following the attack of such astonishing brutality Hilton suffered the other day, when he was only able to Twitter his situation a handful of times, we all assumed the world would return to normality for the master of cutting cock-drawing satire.

In fact, we even had the audacity to hope that the world would have turned a corner and embraced Perez in a joint display of affection, sympathy and outright care. It seems he did too.

But no, as it soon came to light that GLAAD weren’t too happy with Hilton’s use of the word “faggot” while insulting will.i.am. Probably because, as we all know, it’s wildly inaccurate – that man likes boobies.

Hilton did apologise for using the word, though not after claiming it was he who was actually owed an apology, and obviously the apology he eventually went on to make was full of “I’m the victim here” caveats and mindless droning about shit no one cares about. But hey – an apology is an apology, right?

This revelation was swiftly followed by a rare spurt of personality from John Mayer‘s Twitter feed, which managed to make the gnarled, hoary old form of hecklerspray smirk with their forthright pisstakeyness. While we can’t be bothered to pad this out with the entire script, here’s a bit of it:

Mayer: “Last year Pink kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was p*ssing blood for days. Did I make a scene? Perez Hilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.”

Hilton: “That’s real funny! Ha ha! And I’m sure you also think I ‘deserved’ to get hit!”

Mayer: “Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face. I also want to train you in an old martial art called ‘Never Call A Black Dude a F*ggot Jitsu’.”

We may just have to promote John Mayer to the much-vaunted hecklerspray ranks of ‘Less Twatty’ as a result of this fine form. Well done, sir.

Hats off to CBS – it’s thought long and hard about how to end to the financial crisis and, by jingo, it’s done it!

How? Why, by giving John Mayer his own TV show, of course. No, bear with us. You see, if there’s an hour a week where John Mayer is on TV, it’s bound to scare the public into rushing from their homes screaming – straight to the high street. Thanks to CBS and John Mayer, we’re sure the tinned food, DIY bunker and shotgun industries will all easily avoid collapse!

Seriously, John Mayer’s got a TV show. We’re terrified.

If you’re like us, then you think that there aren’t enough girl-haired, smug-as-shit millionaire fops larking around on our TV like they own the bloody thing, regaling us with a mixture of stories about all the supermodels they’ve felt up and performances of godawful self-written weedy piano ballads.

Yes, not content with being everywhere all the time always even though nobody asked or wanted him to, it looks like John Mayer’s getting his own television show. Provisionally titled either Ooh Look At Me I’m John Mayer And I’m So Great or Ooh Look At Me I’m John Mayer And I Know What Jennifer Aniston’s Bumhole Looks Like, the TV show will be a mixture of singing, comedy and variety performances sure to leave every member of the family weeping and begging for the mercy of a swift death in stitches. AP reports:

CBS is close to a deal with pop star John Mayer for a music and variety TV show. CBS Entertainment President Nina Tassler told a meeting of the Television Critics Association that the project is under development and an agreement is near. She didn’t provide details.

Oh, so it’s not a done deal yet? Good, that’s smart thinking on the part of CBS. It’s obvious that the network only wants to give John Mayer a show in the blind hope that he’ll get his girlfriend Jennifer Aniston to be a guest every single week. Imagine if CBS gave John Mayer a contract and he went and split up with Jennifer Aniston and got back together with Jessica Simpson. That’d be a disaster! Nobody would ever watch CBS again!

Then again, CBS and John Mayer do go way back – in 2006 he was a guest star on an episode of CSI, in an episode involving detectives trying to get to the bottom of a crime scene at one of John Mayer’s concerts, where 4,000 innocent people all died clutching their ears at the same time. We forget what the cause of the crime was now.

Still, don’t hold your breath for this John Mayer variety show to hit the airwaves any time soon. It sounds awfully similar to the recent Rosie O’Donnell variety show, and that died without a trace. And if America won’t accept a show about a deliberately abrasive overweight lesbian, then what hope does a rich white man who couldn’t be more soggy if he wet himself in a puddle have?

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Going to a party alone can be hard sometimes – especially if it’s your party and everyone is desperate for you to fail.

So Jennifer Aniston wasn’t taking any chances when it came to her Marley And Me premiere recently. Although she’s going out with a boy who looks like her nephew, Jennifer Aniston wanted to make damn sure that she wouldn’t go to her premiere alone.

That’s why Jennifer Aniston reportedly got her agents to find some famous actors who’d act as her standby boyfriend if John Mayer dropped out. And, to be fair, they’d all probably be more convincing than John Mayer.

This is a tough month for Jennifer Aniston. Not only is she breaking her back to promote a movie that’s basically Beethoven with all the rough edges smoothed off, but she knows that her movie opens on the same day as The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, the film by her ex-husband Brad Pitt.

To make it harder, Brad’s film is being spoken of as a serious Oscar contender, while Aniston’s film is about a funny dog who poos everywhere. And, to make it harder still, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are currently locked into a kind of high-stakes death-spiral battle for publicity. If Brad Pitt talks about his kids, then Jennifer Aniston has to pretend she wants kids. If Brad Pitt talks about Angelina Jolie, then Jennifer Aniston has to whap her boobies out in a magazine. It’s endless.

But at least Jennifer Aniston got a moment of respite at the Marley And Me premiere recently, where she could totally be herself without even having to think about Brad Pitt. Unless, of course, her on/off boyfriend John Mayer split up with her beforehand, in which Jennifer Aniston planned to hyperventilate on the red carpet, hunch into the foetal position and whimper “Oh God no, oh God no, I’m so alone, I’m so very alone” in front of the world’s media.

Or, as a rumoured Plan B, Jennifer Aniston would just get her agents to set up a hokey relationship with whichever unfortunate Hollywood actor happened to nearest at any given moment in time. The LA Times reports:

According to the New York Post, during their split, Aniston’s camp was shopping for a potential date because poor Jen “did not want to be single when her movie opened… A friend of her agent was calling around asking for young men whom they could set her up with,” a source told the N.Y. Post. But the attempt to find a replacement for Mayer failed and — as if by magic — Mayer and Aniston got back together.

Now, OK, yes, if that’s true it does sound toe-curlingly embarrassing for Jennifer Aniston – but it happens all the time in Hollywood. Even Brad Pitt does it. Admittedly instead of getting a friend or his agent to ring round a bunch of actresses and plead with them to pretend to be his girlfriend for one night, Brad Pitt just found a stable partner to mother his children and share his life with. But, you know, it’s close enough.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter how true this rumour is, because Jennifer Aniston will see this story as a victory anyway. It’s accomplished her two prime directives in life – firstly it’s got her name in print again, and secondly it draws attention away from the fact that she’s made a rubbishy-looking film about a dog. Congratulations, Jennifer!

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People, it’s OK – there’s not going to be a baby with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer’s blood running through it any more.

Not so long ago we were swamped with rumours that Jennifer Aniston, deafened by the epic clanging of her biological clock, had bit the bullet and let fop-haired manboy John Mayer shove a bun in her oven. But apparently that’s not the case. And how do we know?

Because Jennifer Aniston recently went to a restaurant in quite a tight blouse – something that no pregnant woman has ever done. On top of that, people are now claiming that the pregnancy rumours were started deliberately to steal attention away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And it worked – thanks to all the pregnancy rumours we’re now desperate to see Jennifer Aniston’s new movie called, um, whatever it’s called.

We don’t know about you, but we’ve spent the last few weeks trying to organise a ragtag gang of furious torch-wielding locals to hang around outside Jennifer Aniston’s house chanting doomy biblical soundbites. Why? Because we thought that Jennifer Aniston was pregnant with John Mayer’s baby, that’s why, and we’re pretty sure the resulting baby would end up bringing about the end of the world.

We’re being serious. Not only would a Jennifer Aniston/ John Mayer baby end up being so genetically predisposed to rabid attention-seeking that it would literally never stop until every inch of the media did nothing but relentlessly focus on it around the clock, but it’d also have stupid hair and a funny-looking chin. It’d be awful.

But that’s something we can worry about another time, because Jennifer Aniston is almost definitely not pregnant, and that’s because she showed up at a restaurant in a tight top recently. If that’s not enough, some are saying that the whole pregnancy rumour was deliberately schemed up to get the headlines away from Aniston’s arch-rival Angelina Jolie for once, as a magazine editor told MSNBC:

“Every time Brad or Angelina is in the news, and it’s a story that’s so exclusive only one outlet really gets the story, the natural reaction is to come up with a story about Jen to combat the attention… But now she did lunch at (popular Hollywood eatery) the Ivy in a tight shirt? I mean, the Ivy? Usually Jen is above that sort of thing. She obviously knew she’d be photographed there.”

Poor old Jennifer Aniston. If she gets pregnant everyone thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she proves she’s not pregnant, everyone still thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she wears clothes that don’t hang off her like a big saggy tent, people get so enraged about all her attention-seeking that they actually start squirting blood out of their eyes.

So maybe this might be the start of a new, more demure Jennifer Aniston – one who doesn’t feel the need to constantly compete with Angelina Jolie by having every single aspect of her personal life detailed in all the celebrity magazines. And we look forward to seeing the introduction of this new, less showy Jennifer Aniston on Thursday night where she’ll, um, cavort around dressed as a French maid on 30 Rock. Oh.

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If you’re a woman and the last of your eggs is about to dry up, what you want to do is moisten it really quick with either mayonnaise or sperm.

Both of those are said to be excellent egg moisturisers, and are pretty much equally inexpensive. If you end up going the mayonnaise route, be warned – in nine months time you could poop out a fully made five-dollar foot-long. We hear this is only painful when its on French bread.

And if you go the sperm route, well, that has consequences too – like having to see John Mayer every other weekend, on some holidays and once in a while at a parent-teacher conference. You don’t want that, do you? Well according to Star Magazine Jennifer Aniston does. They say she’s on fertility drugs in heavy anticipation of receiving his seed.

Jennifer Aniston is almost 40 and she doesn’t even have any stupid kids yet. With a really huge age like that she’s only got two choices in the baby department. One is to get exact duplicates of Angelina Jolie‘s hair style and tattoos, move in over there, lock her competition in the basement and hope Brad Pitt doesn’t stop to think about why the mother of his children suddenly tastes like a love long since past.

Her other option is to fill herself full of fertility drugs and ask John Mayer to politely go to town until they’ve literally made thousands of children all at once. According to Star Magazine she’s going through with option #2:

“In the Nov. 17 issue of Star — on sale now! — we report that Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John. As we told readers earlier this year, Jen’s biological clock began ticking so loudly that she had some of her eggs frozen just in case she didn’t meet Mr. Right in time. But now that she’s proposed  to John — as Star also reported — and he’s excited about being a dad, she’s doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She’s even been having alternative medicine treatments to increase her chances of having twins.”

The magazine goes on to say that John is also working hard to impregnate his guitar so that his and Jen’s children will have little baby instruments to strum on should they feel so inclined. It’s in paragraph twelve. We think that part was in paragraph twelve.

If hecklerspray‘s father had followed through on impregnating his tuba like he promised almost three months ago, we’d probably be in a pretty awesome marching band by now.

But we’re not – we’ve learned to live with that. For now we’ll just have to keep walking perfect high-stepping straight lines in our basement bedroom while blowing the approximate theme to Rocky through a soppy-ended paper towel tube.

It’s actually a lot cooler than it looks in writing there.

We swear it is.

Mayerston? Johnnifer? Jehn Anistayer? Manny Man Maniston? We need to think up a cute compound name fast, because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back on.

That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, the celebrity couple that you know nobody cares the slightest sniff about, presumably not even Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, who get shoved into your face around the clock regardless – are back on, with Aniston apparently being the guest of honour at Mayer’s 31st birthday party.

What’s more, John Mayer has apparently written a song about Jennifer Aniston to show his devotion, sealing their romance. The song, entitled Shut Up You Whiny Pinch-Faced Bitch, is due for release next month by the way.

Jennifer Aniston is starting to get on a little in years now, and her biological clock must be positively shrieking at her 24/7. Presumably it’s shrieking for her to have a baby so overwhelmingly bland that she may as well just push a pillowcase with with a marker-pen face drawn on it out of her birth canal, because her romantic partner of choice lately seems to be John Mayer, and he certainly has the genes to provide that function.

Not so long ago John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston were on, before suddenly deciding to be off again. Since then, we expect that John Mayer has been on a journey of painful introspection, anguished that he’d let the love of his life slip through his fingers just because he was mildly ashamed that he looked like a boy having an inappropriate romance with his auntie every time they went out together.

But lately there have been signs that the Manny Man Maniston relationship – yeah, we think we’ll stick with that one – was starting to flourish again. Last week Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were seen kissing at an airport, and now it seems that things are taking a turn for the serious in a blizzard of flirty text messages, birthday party invitations and songwriting, as a source told The Mirror:

“Determined to show he’s a changed man, John has cut right back down on his drinking and has pledged to quit smoking rollies – two things that really annoyed Jennifer. He has even written a song about their time together and played it to Jennifer who, naturally, was incredibly touched. But so far things are going well, and both parties are hopeful of a long-term reconciliation.”

It sounds sweet, doesn’t it, that John Mayer has thought to write a song for Jennifer Aniston. But remember, any sweetness in the gesture is obliterated by the fact that it’s a John Mayer song, and is therefore probably about as romantic as watching your boyfriend have sex with your sister as he repeatedly punches you about the face.

But still, if it makes both of them happy, then we should all be thrilled for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Without a doubt, each of them has found the perfect partner for traipsing around the world scowling at the paparazzi while secretly being pleased that they’re considered important enough to still be paparazzi targets. It’s sweet.

And, yes, if they’re back on it means we’ll have to brace ourselves for a flurry of messy John Mayer/ Jennifer Aniston split stories that roughly coincide with the DVD release of He’s Just Not That Into You, but we’ll throw ourselves off that bridge when we come to it.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were perhaps the greatest couple ever, given that they’re both carefree, fun-loving, girl-haired attention-seekers.

And that’s why, when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up earlier this year, the world slipped into a deep gloom. For instance, you know how the stock market collapsed and capitalism ended and food and fuel prices suddenly surged and the environment’s on the brink of disaster and we’re all going to die of bird flu? Yeah, that all happened because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer split up. It’s true.

However, it’s time to get out the bunting because now Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back together! And if they’re not back together, then they’ve almost certainly been caught with their tongues wedged right the way down each other’s gullet in an airport in front of everyone. So, you know, get the bunting out once the waves of nausea have subsided. There’s no rush.

Say what you like about Brad Pitt, but he does love a woman who can shamelessly whore out her entire live to promote a movie. His current squeeze Angelina Jolie does this by buying her children weapons every time she’s got a film out, but even that’s no match for the level of dedication shown by his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston is the queen of movie promotion. She loves promoting movies so much that when she made The Break-Up she got together with her co-star during filming just so they could break up during The Break-Up‘s DVD promotion. That’s literal commitment so strong you can only breathe a sigh of relief that the film wasn’t called Doing A Poo In The Road Next To Some Crying Children.

And now Jennifer Aniston has two movies coming out shortly – He’s Just Not That Into You and Marley & Me. Dating her co-stars was out for both of these – The five leads in He’s Just Not That Into You are all female and being a lesbian is gross, and her co-star in Marley & Me is Owen Wilson, which wouldn’t exactly be a bundle of giggles – but it’s OK because Jennifer Aniston has a plan B.

And that’s John Mayer. Oh, come on. John Mayer. He went out with Jennifer Aniston briefly in the summer before they split up about five seconds later. You know, girly hair. Foppish-looking. When he’s in public with Jennifer Aniston he looks like a little boy out with his inappropriately sexual mother. Yeah, that’s the one.

Well, apparently Jennifer Aniston is back with John Mayer again. Because they were both seen at an airport totally making out and being all like ‘unng-unng-uh-uh’ with their tongues all over each other. Totally. The National Enquirer said so:

“They were very lovey-dovey. They kissed several times and hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss… Jennifer was in New York doing some shopping before she starts promotional work for her new movies. John was relaxing after finishing his international tour, and they hooked up.“

Is it just us, or did anyone else expect that description to wander into Mills & Boon territory? ‘They hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss. The touch of his fingertips brought a spike of desire to her very core. She gasped with pleasure as he wantonly ran his fingers along the top of her silk unmentionables…’

Anyway, don’t get too excited about the prospect of a full-on Jennifer Ansiton/John Mayer reunion, because these reports are all completely unconfirmed. For all we know, that wasn’t even Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer kissing anyway – it could have just been two people who look like Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, or a rudimentary papier mache sculpture of a woman and a pretty mop.

No, we don’t know which one would be who either.

John Mayer has, rather unsurprisingly, been using his breakup with Jennifer Aniston to get himself a nice big slice of publicity.

It’s not that we didn’t expect him to go down that route, but it does still irritate when it actually happens. After all, he is still a dull nobody that would have faded into obscurity had he kept his mouth shut about the relationship and consequent split.

So obviously he’s gone for the old ‘talk about her to the press in an annoying fashion, just so people don’t forget who I am for at least two extra weeks, and places like that amazing hecklerspray.com will write about me again’ route that so many ineffectual Z-listers opt for.

Well we won’t, John Mayer. We wo… oh. We have. Bugger.

See, after the breakup – no, not the movie with Jennifer and another of her exes Vince Vaughn – Mayer decided to talk to anyone who would listen, spunking his intimate knowledge around as many media outlets as he knew would report it. And some that wouldn’t.

Speaking to reporters in the street, apparently, Mayer said:

“There’s no lying, there’s no cheating, there’s no nothing. Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met. People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right.”

Well isn’t that just sweet, eh? It’s obviously as dull and middle of the road as we expected from the king of mediocrity, but at least there’s no real venom in it. We can sleep soundly at night. Though it is still the rampant fame-hungry behaviour of a man desperate to cling on to some of the limelight that fleetingly glanced across his brow for such a short amount of time.

And it did clearly irritate Jennifer Aniston, if those magical sources we love so much are to be believed. Speaking to the press, one ‘source’ said these words, and by the looks of things they were frothing at the mouth when they did so:

“Jennifer will never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. John’s childish behaviour only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child. Expect Jennifer to behave like a lady.”

The righteous fury didn’t end there though, and the source (of rage) went on:

“Jennifer was tired of paying for everything. Cobwebs come flying out of John’s wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. Jennifer would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.”

Which probably means Jennifer had to pay for this meal that we reported on in such world-changing fashion oh so long ago. We do remember seeing Mayer pat his pockets and shrug his shoulders when the bill arrived, showing the international sign language for ‘whoopsie – me gone dun and forgot mah wallet!’.

Well John – you’re going to have to pay for your own meals now. Take that!

Aww, put the confetti away – it seems Jennifer Aniston is destined for a life of endless unfulfilling relationships after her fling with John Mayer was consigned to nothingness.

Yes, it would seem that the relationship that had been hyped as ‘the love of the century’ – we may be making that one up – has gone the way of the perennially single Dodo, as Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have reportedly broken up.

Try to fight back the tears, we’re sure Jennifer is managing to. Especially seeing as she’s now getting her thang on with some kind of model man from Britney Spears‘ Toxic video.

At least that’s more interesting than a nobody in a band, who seems to automatically screw any celebrity woman inhabiting a three-mile radius of his penis. We mean like John Mayer, if you weren’t paying attention.

But what was it that pushed the couple that we expected to marry within about four seconds over the edge? Was it a fist fight? A brutal assault? Endless verbal sparring that created as much sexual tension as it did pure, unadulterated rage? Well, no, not really. He couldn’t commit to her.

Of all the ruddy rubbish reasons women get fed…

But not only is that something that people have picked up on or overheard, it’s actually been put out there by one of our favourite things – a ‘source’ – who made these claims:

“John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved.

“Contrary to reports, Jennifer didn’t want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. She also wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.”

It’s probably not the kind of thing you really want ‘out there’ in medialand now, is it? The fact that on one side you have a man incapable of settling down and on the other you have what very well seems to be a mental bint, hell bent on carefully planning the rest of your life for you before you’re even past 30 – well, it doesn’t help the image of either party, frankly.

Though let’s be honest, it makes Rachel come off worse, so we’re guessing the source was probably Mayer’s mum. On the other hand, maybe with Aniston’s succession of very public failed romances, it may well be true? She could well be something of a psycho harpy, for all we know.

We’ll have to see how the model man reacts – maybe she’ll demand he has to stop being attractive within a six month timeframe, just to keep the POA on schedule and to make sure he’s home to impregnate her on command.

All the while John Mayer is sure to be spreading his dull, uninspiring seed around whichever backwater towns he feels the need to tour in – but hey, at least he’ll be happy that he isn’t under the cosh any more, and at least a few more people actually know who he is since his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And as a result they know exactly why they should ignore the dull waste of skin.