When Demi Lovato split from Joe Jonas, it all started going wrong. She ended up suicidal, self harming, developing an eating disorder and in rehab. It was pretty gruesome really, seeing as she was only about six years old or something.

We might have that completely wrong. We can’t tell these young stars apart. However, she had one person she could rely on – Colombian footballing legend Carlos Valderrama.

Recent reports noted that the pair were romantically involved, but alas, before we could all thrill at such an amazing union, it’s believed the couple have now ended their relationship.

So what makes us think they were a thing? Well, some cryptic messages that Lovato has posted on her Twitter profile have clanged clues our way.

The first of the messages was a re-tweet of somebody else posting a Marilyn Monroe quote:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”

She followed this up with a message of her own:

“The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.”

The flame haired footballing genius, Carlos Valderrama has recently been spotted partying with Joe Jonas and they reportedly spent the first weekend of January 2012 at Beacher’s madhouse in Hollywood.

Maybe this could’ve been the cause of Valderrama and Lovato’s split? Maybe it was the presence of Rene Higuita, the erratic ex-con Colombian goalkeeping eccentric?

Or maybe Carlos wouldn’t shut up about his time spent playing for Montpellier?

Wait. What?

Demi Lovato was going out with Wilmer Valderrama from That 70s Show? Really? REALLY? And we’re supposed to care about that?

Wilmer may be a pretty cool name but it’s nothing compared to Carlos’ hair! Seriously! We were supposed to care about Wilmer Valderrama?

Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore.

It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with our hopes which are fading like the last lingering flickers of the day as the sun sets in all of our hearts.

And Joe Jonas (who may or may not be pictured right, we’ve no idea which clone we’ve featured) is totally not a great big gay. Okay? He’s not. He’s really not a massive gay. Just to clear that up.

The singing Clonas has been trying to insert as many fingers as humanly possible up the groin of the Twilight actress since summer have reportedly split. We say ‘reportedly’ in case they change their minds, which they won’t because some spokespeople have confirmed the news.

Libel law is almost as stupid as your average Twilight fan.

Anyway, Greene, who will be starring as chaste emo vampire Alice Cullen in the final film in the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, went public with Whichever Clonas we’re currently talking about last autumn and were reportedly spotted ‘being affectionate in Disneyland’.

In case you didn’t know, ‘being affectionate’ means penetration and ‘Disneyland’ means ‘anus’.

A source, who we don’t actually care if they’re reliable or not, says:

“He thinks she is down-to-earth and absolutely beautiful. He hasn’t been this into a girl in a long time”

See? As many fingers as humanly possible. The ‘Disney’ area.

So. They’ve split up and junk. We’ll set up a helpline for you snivelling wimps who can’t process this obviously awful news and mock you ’til you snap out of it.

Okay?

Oh, and Joe Jonas is definitely not a young gay man who likes kissing gay men on the lips and Disneyland. Definitely not. Absolutely, definitely not a gay.

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Because Joe Jonas was created by Walt Disney, he’s expected to live in a world that’s free of evil and full of McDonald’s toys.

However, Joe Jonas is in fact an actual human, albeit one brimming with eerily cheesy personal traits, so Disney has had to do its best to protect its creation and ensure that he isn’t led astray.

After singing bland songs to primary school children for years, Joe Jonas eventually had to grow up. He’s got those urges, and not the ones where you sneak biscuits in the middle of the night. But heaven forbid he does the dirty and upsets Mickey Mouse. To fend off women, Joe wears a special ring telling people he won’t blow his load until he gets married. However, it has been claimed that the whiny singer has already been busy in the bedroom. Uh-oh.

Normally when stories are published about famous people, they’re followed by statements reassuring fans that the people writing it are nasty smelly poo heads. However, Joe Jonas has upped the ante and decided to let his team of legal guard dogs loose in the direction of Canadian blogger Zack Taylor. So what has Zack done to cause such a rift in the Disney man’s camp? Well, he has published a series of articles that claim the singer had sexy fun time with ex-girlfriend Demi Lovato.

So what? Well, hold on to your coffee cups and put all valuables to one side; the story takes a twist for the worst! You see, Zack Taylor isn’t saying that the two made passionate love whilst in a relationship. Oh no, he claims they did it since splitting up, being a pair of no good friends with benefits. If this allegation was to be proved true, then it would affect the other Jonas Brothers. We don’t know their names; it’ll probably be Thompson Jonas and Haddock Jonas. MTV reports:

“The Jonas’s Brothers appeal is in part due to their clean-cut reputation. Joe and his brothers have taken vows of abstinence and have spoken openly about their decision to remain virgins until they marry.”

OK, so Jesus might not teach them to walk on water if they break their vow, but if the situation is true about Joe Jonas taking off his purity ring, it could spell problems for himself and Demi Lovato. There is a teeny weeny issue about Demi’s age. At the time of the alleged bonking, she was only 17 – illegal in a lot of Americans states. TMZ discovered a copy of the legal letter sent to Zack Taylor which said:

“Your repeated posting of fabricated stories regarding our client must be viewed as evidence of your wilful or reckless disregard for the truth and reflect a malicious attempt to attack and devalue our client’s good name and reputation.”

What Joe Jonas needs to realise is that despite having a purity ring on his finger now, a real wedding ring won’t open the doors to his lady’s vagina. He’ll only learn the hard way that being married means a degrading amount of action in that department as more and more time is spent working on a giant book of crossword puzzles.

Marriage, he must be shitting it

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Remember the Jonas Brothers? Of course you do. Giant eyebrows. No sex before marriage. Possible lack of sex organs.

You remember. Anyway, the Jonas Brothers lost some of their mojo when Jonas Brother The Elder decided to get married. And now that his eyes have been opened to the exciting world of monthly, perfunctory, emotionally-distant, missionary-style sexual intercourse, the rest of the band have become a bit of an afterthought.

But at least Joe Jonas – or Middle Jonas as everyone knows him – has still got it. Why, Joe Jonas has just split up with Demi Lovato from Camp Rock. Thank God – maybe this’ll mark a return to the old swinging, carefree, Bacchanalian evenings of absolutely no sex that we’ve come to expect from him.

As one of the leading forces in sexless, big-eyebrowed, manipulative corporate pop, Joe Jonas gets his pick of girls. And he’s got a definite type, too – he’s previously been linked to the likes of Taylor Swift and Camilla Belle. That means if you’re sort of pretty but a bit dead behind the eyes and you generally look as if you’ve never had an original thought in your entire life, you’re in luck – you’re precisely the type of girl that Joe Jonas goes for.

In fact, you’re in double luck. Joe Jonas has just split up from Demi Lovato – the sort of pretty, dead behind the eyes star of Camp Rock who looks as if she’s never had an original thought in her entire life – so he’s on the rebound. Hooray! People reports:

Joe Jonas is back on the market! The singer, 20, and girlfriend Demi Lovato, 17, have called it quits, a source tells PEOPLE, but will still be hitting the road together this summer, starting July 27 in Dallas.

We’re heartbroken. Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato were made for each other. No, literally, they were actually made for each other – they were both injection-moulded at the same underground Disney plant and their hair was stolen from the same wailing Korean toddler. True story.

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The main problem with famous people is that they have such trouble keeping their underpants on. Everyone’s at it these days. It’s all sex here, sex over there, more sex here again. Do an interview, have a bit of sex. Sing a song, then have sex. Go to an awards show, have sex with someone first.

The latest celebrity having sex with people who aren’t his wife is Mark Owen – the cute little gentleman from Take That. The one who looks like the main character in an imaginary film called Hobbits – Lost in Miami.

Only, whilst the funny little people in that movie would just wander around looking confused and overawed by everything – even everyday items like kettles, or ironing boards - in real life Mark has been busily showing strangers his penis.

So, with that in mind, we thought it high time to list some famous people who DEFINITELY would not cheat on you if you got married…

Britney Spears

Yes, this one might come as a shock to some, being that Britney doesn’t tend to wash herself or bother with things like bras – normally tell tale signs that a lady might be dabbling in prostitution/crack, but not here. No, these are signals that smack of a woman who doesn’t want to attract the kind of smooth talkers who specialise in having rampant affairs with glamorous celebrities. She just wants a man who will love her for the terrifying maniac that she is. That could be you.

Joe Jonas

The Jonas Brothers have made a solemn vow never to have sex with anyone without first getting written permission from God. In infidelity terms, this can only be a good thing. But as with any family, you must beware the first born, and the last – they’re the most likely to skid off the rails, and succumb to the temptation of a frantic liaison with a girl who snuck onto the tour bus. Go for the level head in the middle – Joe. You know what they say, once a virgin always a virgin. Actually, that last bit’s not strictly true.

Geri Halliwell

My God, Geri Halliwell would love you. Love you with a blistering intensity that would blow your mind. No chance of any illicit sex here, because the woman would be too busy clinging onto your waist, begging that you outline exactly what it is that you love about her again… every damn day for the rest of your life. We’ll be honest, in this scenario, you’re the most likely party to slope off looking for cheap thrills. If only to forget. Just for a few stolen moments.

Tom Cruise

Remember, having a sexual affair with someone is very time consuming, and probably quite tiring too. Tom Cruise would be far too busy for that kind of nonsense – what with his career as a movie star, his pledge to rid the world of lizard-people (who are EVERYWHERE, by the way), and all the time spent at dinner parties, attempting to passive-aggressively make everyone like him. Sex just doesn’t even come into it.

Cliff Richard

Cliff doesn’t do sex.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy, which you will probably love

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Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren’t you? And now we’ve come along and trampled all over it.

Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you’re inevitably taken out by a police helicopter.

Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they’ve gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they’re not splitting up. Sorry.

So listen. The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. But that’s not the end of the world, is it? Because, come on, The Jonas Brothers didn’t split up yesterday and you managed to get through that alright, didn’t you? Or the day before. In fact, if you think about it, The Jonas Brothers haven’t split up on any day since you were born. So today’s news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up isn’t such terrible news on the grand scale of things. It just feels like it’s terrible news. It’s like spending the 1980s in pre-Perestroika Russia. It was shitty, but at least you had the comfort of not knowing what the alternatives were.

So if The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up, then why are we making such a big fuss about them? Well, as usual, it’s all the fault of that idiot Nick Jonas. It’s been announced that Kevin Jonas has broken away to form his own band, entitled Nick Jonas & The Administration. Think of the new band as the Raconteurs to his White Stripes, albeit a version of The Raconteurs that only sings awful songs called things like Oh Girl You Make Me So Super Happy and Sunshine Makes My Heart Go Bippy Bop.

But it’s not just Nick Jonas who’s putting strain on the future of The Jonas Brothers. Kevin Jonas has also decided to take a brief hiatus from the group to see what this whole ‘having sex’ thing is like. And that just leaves poor old Joe Jonas. He needs The Jonas Brothers to continue. He needs it. He’s got two growing eyebrows to feed, for God’s sake. And maybe that’s why Nick and Kevin have decided to tell the world that, no matter what happens, the Jonas Brothers will always be. In a letter to fans, the band wrote:

“We plan to make music together for as long as we can. We’ve said from the beginning of our career as the Jonas Brothers that anything we do outside of the group is a side project because you can’t break up brothers… A three-chord strand is not easily broken, and one thing’s for sure… this three chord strand is stronger now than it’s ever been. You are truly the best fans in the world, and we love you with all our hearts.”

Stupid three-chord strands. If we see a three-chord strand today, we’re going to kick it in the balls.

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Like everyone else, we were praying that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle would get married and have kids.

We don’t want to see them happy, you understand. No, it’s because Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have both got massive eyebrows and so their offspring would end up freakishly hairy, and we’d be allowed to chase it into the forest with pitchforks and torches as a result. But that dream is over – Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up.

Still, Joe Jonas took the news like a man – a man who openly weeps at his own concerts. Video? Oh yes.

For the briefest moment of time recently, all the Jonas brothers were happy. They were all in blissful, non-sexual relationships with their dream girls – the littlest Jonas was together with Miley Cyrus, the rubbish older Jonas who looks like he was ordered to join the Jonas Brothers against his will by his parents had just got engaged to a hairdresser and Joe Jonas was hooked up with Camilla Belle, the girl from that rubbish caveman film that nobody saw.

But now it’s over. Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle – the poster couple for wild, uncontrollable eyebrows that closely resemble what we imagine Susan Boyle‘s pubes to be like – are no more. They’ve split up. They’re kaput.

What caused this heartbreaking love split? Was it Joe Jonas’ punishing workload? Were Camilla Belle’s eyebrows so big that they weighed down her head, giving her the preliminary stages of a grotesque humpback? Maybe we’ll never know. All we have for now is the statement given to Access Hollywood by Camilla Belle’s rep Brad Cafarelli:

“Yes, it’s true, they have broken up,” Brad Cafarelli told Access. However, the split was amicable and Jonas and Belle remain on good terms. “There is no third party involved and they care deeply about each other and will remain friends,” Cafarelli added.

Cafarelli then conspicuously turned his back on reporters and started punching himself in the face, presumably because he never wanted to officially pass on non-details of the dating habits of D-list celebrities for a living and deep down he knows that his parents are disgusted with the career choices he’s made. Or at least that’s what we imagine Cafarelli did – it’s what we would have done in his situation, anyway.

But listen! The big news isn’t that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up – the big news is that afterwards, Joe Jonas couldn’t stop blubbering like some sort of emotionally immature namby-pamby wussbag during his concert. Look, there’s video…

Now, if you look very very closely at the video, you’ll see that Joe Jonas is crying. Alternatively if you play the video and close your eyes you’ll still see that Joe Jonas is crying because of the thousands of hormonal teenage girls shrieking “OH MY GOD! HE’S CRYING! HE’S CRYING! WEAUUUUUURGH! AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAGH! I CAN’T BREATHE!” Either way, you’ll be able to tell that Joe Jonas is crying.

Why is Joe Jonas crying? God knows – sure, he might have split up with his girlfriend, but he’s Joe Jonas, for God’s sake. The world is full of girls that he can take back to his hotel room and affectionately pat on the back while silently cursing that stupid bloody purity ring his management told him to wear. That boy needs to cowboy up.

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You may not have known who she was until yesterday, but Camilla Belle is basically a giganto-browed Angelina Jolie lite.

This is because the Joe Jonas/ Taylor Swift/ Camilla Belle triangle of pointlessness echoes the Jolie/ Pitt/ Aniston saga fairly closely. Admittedly this theory doesn’t hold up to scrutiny that well, because if Camilla Belle is Angelina Jolie then that makes her new boyfriend Joe Jonas Brad Pitt, and we all know that Joe Jonas looks too much like an anime lesbian for that to work.

However, Taylor Swift is definitely Jennifer Aniston in all of this, because she’s been gripped by a compulsion to publicly discuss her split from Joe Jonas as much as humanly possible. You see, Taylor Swift says that Camilla Belle stole Joe Jonas from her, and that he’d been cheating on her for months. Is it true? If we find one person who even slightly cares we swear we’ll tear off both our kneecaps.

Yesterday’s news that Joe Jonas has found love with Camilla Belle from 10,000 BC sounded sweet enough at first. After all, Joe and Camilla are both young, both pretty, both morally strict and both in possession of vast, light-absorbing eyebrows that make them look like they’ve been partially tarred and feathered by an angry mob of medieval beauty therapists.

Yes, Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle are perfect for each other. Well, we assume they are, anyway. We’re not actually going to pretend we’ve heard of either of them. But, as perfect as Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle seem together, there’s a dark force hiding in the shadows threatening to rise up and destroy them. Worse still, it’s a force that sings country music. It’s Taylor Swift.

There was a time when Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas were happy together. Happy, but completely secret in case the fact that Joe Jonas had a girlfriend ruined his pure virginal public image. But then tragedy struck – Joe Jonas dumped Taylor Swift in a 25-second telephone call, and Taylor Swift got mad. She spoke of the split in interviews, she made a little puppet show about the split on MySpace, she even wrote sad country songs about the split and she even felt the need to comment about a possible pregnancy after the split. And now we know why she’s so angry.

Taylor Swift has claimed that Joe Jonas was cheating on her with Camilla Belle for ages before they were publicly linked. And you know what that means – more rabid screeching about the Jonas Brothers. OK! reports:

“They’ve been together for months,” Taylor tells OK!. “That’s why we broke up.” Swift says her best advice for getting over a heartbreak is to “write songs about it.” When OK! asked if she and Joe are still friends, Taylor curtly replied, “We don’t talk.”

You don’t have to be a mathematician to see where Taylor Swift is coming from here – if Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have been together for months, and Joe Jonas only split up with Taylor Swift a month ago, then the only obvious conclusion is nobody cares nobody cares oh christ nobody cares.

Despite this, though, these endless romantic tweeny machinations can only have a positive ending for all involved. Taylor Swift will end up writing 400 albums about the time a girly-looking teenage boy broke her heart, and Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle can spend the rest of their lives gazing adoringly into each other’s eyebrows. It’s perfect.

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For a boy who looks like a mutant hybrid between Sylar from Heroes and a drawing of a puppy, Joe Jonas seems to be a bit of a cad.

Just last week, country singer Taylor Swift was rushing around telling anyone who’d listen about what a git Joe Jonas was for dumping her during a 25-second phonecall. But already Joe Jonas has decided to move on and sow his wild oats elsewhere.

We mean that literally, too. Joe Jonas literally went out, bought a packet of wild oats and buried it in the ground. We didn’t mean ‘sow his wild oats’ in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin, remember. A virgin. Oh, and also, Joe Jonas might be banging that girl from 10,000 BC.

If any of you saw the movie 10,000 BC, then… no, wait, what are we talking about, nobody watched the movie 10,000 BC. OK, if any of you saw the trailer or accidentally walked past the television while an advert for 10,000 BC was on, you may have caught a glimpse of Camilla Belle – a pretty young thing with eyebrows that look like they were drunkenly scrawled onto her face by an angry stepdad with a magic marker.

And if you saw Camilla Belle you may have thought “Ooh, now there’s a girl who’s femininity I’d like to respect until the day of our wedding.” Joe Jonas certainly thought that, because he’s apparently her new boyfriend.

Even though his recent ex Taylor Swift is still using a combination of her ‘Joe Jonas is a bellend for dumping me‘ and ‘Joe Jonas didn’t get me pregnant‘ stories to promote her new album, Joe Jonas has already hooked up with Camilla Belle, if reports are to be believed. He really is quite the swordsman.

By which, obviously, we mean that Joe Jonas is skilled in the art of sport fencing and has won several local and regional awards for it. We don’t mean ‘swordsman’ in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin. A virgin. Anyway, People reports:

“They met on the set of his music video. All the guys always had thought she was really pretty and that’s why they asked her to be in it…. They are not public about it but they’ve just been hanging out with their friends and Joe’s brothers… They are very private about it. She’s a really good girl and it seems they share a lot of the same characteristics and morals.”

Which, we assume, means that they’re both adorable virgins. Or they might not be. After all, while Joe Jonas is 19 years old, Camilla Belle is 22 and she could have got up to anything in those extra three years for all we know.

While Joe’s smart to go for an older woman – it’s unlikely that Camilla Belle will respond to a split by making a puppetshow about it on MySpace like Taylor Swift did – there is a chance that she’ll push him into the world of premarital sex simply because she’s older than him. And that’s a worry, because Joe Jonas really is a randy old thumpsausage.

By which we mean… oh, never mind. We’ve got nothing.

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Not having been dumped by a Jonas brother, we’d assume that it’d be a giant relief – because then we’d get to move onto someone who’s not a toddler.

However, Taylor Swift doesn’t quite see it like that. Taylor was dumped by a Jonas brother last month, and she’s reacted as any normal 18-year-old girl would – by making an internet video that slags him off, by doing radio interviews that slag him off and by sort of claiming that all the angry songs on her new album are about what a turd he is.

Joe Jonas – for those of you who are able to distinguish between the Jonas Brothers and happen to inexplicably care enough to need to know which one dumped Taylor Swift, who we’re presuming you know as well – has yet to respond to Taylor Swift’s vitriol yet. Or maybe he has. To be honest we don’t care enough to find out.

Would anyone mind telling us how The Jonas Brothers suddenly got so famous? All we know about them is that they’re making a film about a trumping dog, they all have haircuts that are so ridiculous they border on illegal and the nearest any of them have ever got to a set of female genitals was once six years ago years ago when they accidentally got too close to a butcher’s window and one of them fainted.

But thanks to their music, film and TV work and the fact that Russell Brand mocked their virginity at a recent awards show, The Jonas Brothers are big business. Such big business, in fact, that it makes the news if one of them splits up with a girl. Even if we don’t really know who that girl is.

Which is good news, because we really don’t know who Taylor Swift is, either. Apparently she’s some sort of infant country singer or something. But, anyway, the important thing is that Joe Jonas split up with Taylor Swift last month, and in retaliation Taylor Swift has made it her mission to blurt out as many barely-veiled references to him in public as possible, as The Chicago Tribune reports:

On Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show Wednesday, the country star revealed that she penned the tune “Always and Forever” about their October split. In a new video on her MySpace page, she pokes a little fun at Jonas, who reportedly dumped her over the phone. Holding up the “Camp Rock” Joe doll, she says, “See, this one even comes with a phone, so he can break up with other dolls!”

Well that’s just nasty. We don’t know what the lyrical content of this new Taylor Swift song is, but since other songs on her forthcoming album include What Kind Of Arsehole Splits Up With A Girl On The Phone, You’re An Embarrassing Virgin, Nobody Wants To Go And See A Film About A Stupid Farting Dog and Joe Jonas: Pigfucker, we can’t assume that it’s very positive.

And if, like us, you’re having trouble visualising the enormity of Joe Jonas dumping Taylor Swift, why not do what we did and imagine that it’s a couple you’ve heard of who split up instead. Is that helping? No? Yeah, you’re right. Screw it.