Joe Jonas Used His Purity Ring As A Testicle Cuff

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joe jonasEarlier this year, the Jonas Brothers finally broke up for good.  There has been a lot of speculations why, with Joe Jonas and his alleged addiction to the bad shit being the loudest one.  But, they spewed out the totally bullshit “creative differences” excuse and moved on while morbidly obese moms everywhere cried into their homemade “I Love Nick” and “Kevin Rocks My Socks” t-shirts.

Now Joe has written an essay for New York Magazine spilling out some dirt about being Disney’s trio of bitches for years and confirming what we all already knew- those purity rings were about as legit as Lohan’s sobriety.

For some reason, Joe Jonas decided to write a very public mini-autobiography like it was 2003 and this was LiveJournal.    He starts off talking about the pressures of being a pastor’s kid, and how he was always edgy and different.

“I had to wear a suit every Sunday, because my parents wanted me to be this role model that I didn’t always want to be. I preferred going to punk-rock shows in small venues in New Jersey, where we grew up, wearing my jean jacket and all my band pins.”

Ooo, jean jacket and band pins?  So punk rawk.  He then tells how the band got together.  Apparently, even from before they were a band, the baby Nick was the star of the family.  It was Nick who had the record deal, and Joe and Kevin leeched onto that shit because they “genuinely wanted to write with him” (read: “genuinely wanted any attention from their dad).  The record company liked the trio, and since they had signed other bands made up of brothers, they went ahead and signed the Jonases.  Now, those bands were Oasis (the band where the two brothers hate each other so much they intentionally fuck with each other and fight) and Good Charlotte (They fucking suck.  The end), so maybe they should have taken a little more time to think it all over, but the Jonas brothers went along with it.

Then, the brothers hooked up with Disney and they went from playing in tiny venues that smelled like day old booze to big arenas that smelled of LipSmackers and totally overpriced tickets paid for with maxed out Visas.   Then Disney also gave the brothers their own show playing a band made up of brothers named Kevin, Joe, and Nick, which surprisingly didn’t really stretch their acting skills.

“But the thing about the show was that some of the writing on it was terrible. It just ended up being some weird slapstick humor that only a 10-year-old would laugh at. They took out the kissing scene that Nick had. I had to shave every day because they wanted me to pretend like I was 16 when I was 20 (when the show was done, I cut my hair off and grew as much of a beard as I could).”

I kind of don’t know what these kids expect when they sign a contract to work with Disney. They aren’t exactly known for pushing boundaries or breaking through any glass ceilings (that’s Kanye’s territory).  What Disney does do is force grown ass adults to still act like tweeners, and suppress who they really are so much that when they break away from the Mouse they go bat shit crazy.

“Being a part of a company like that comes with certain expectations. Not overtly, but there was a subtle vibe. We were working with Disney in 2007 when the Vanessa Hudgens nude-photo scandal happened. We heard that she had to be in the Disney offices for a whole day because they were trying to figure out how to keep her on lockdown. We’d hear execs talking about it, and they would tell us that they were so proud of us for not making the same mistakes, which made us feel like we couldn’t ever mess up. We didn’t want to disappoint anyone—our parents, our fans, our employers—so we put incredible pressure on ourselves, the kind of pressure that no teenager should be under.”

Oh, Vanessa’s career totally survived the world seeing her titties with a shoddy camera.  She was just in that Oscar worthy film Springbreakers with the droopy eyed hipster wannabe, James Franco.  Shit’s alright.

Joe also talks about those stupid ass purity rings and how it was more for show than what they truly believed in (except for Kevin.  I think we all knew he wasn’t sticking his peen in any ladies until his lawyers found him a perfectly acceptable beard to legally contract to him).   It was something they got into when they were younger, but Disney saw dollar bill signs in their eyes covered in a Jesus approved bow, so they made the boys promote the shit out of them.  The boys eventually dropped the rings, and Joe admits to finally getting it in when he was 20.

“We decided to take the rings off a few years ago. I lost my virginity when I was 20. I did other stuff before then, but I was sexually active at 20. I’m glad I waited for the right person, because you look back and you go, “That girl was batshit crazy. I’m glad I didn’t go there.””

By doing a little Google math, it seems Jonas had sex for the first time with Ashley Greene.  And if I had ten bucks, I’d wager the batshit crazy girl was Taylor Swift.  Good for Joe knowing better than to bang that nutbag, because god only knows what kind of song she’d have written about him then.

Joe then throws fellow Disney alum Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato under the bus, saying that the first time he smoked weed as a teen it was because they pressured him.  He says it was “all right” but that he barely does it anymore.

“The first time I smoked weed was with Demi and Miley. I must have been 17 or 18. They kept saying, “Try it! Try it!” so I gave it a shot, and it was all right. I don’t even smoke weed that often anymore.”

So, I guess Miley didn’t share her good shit because anyone who has done some Snoop Dogg level ganja would never refer to it as anything but “fucking awesome.”  Eh, maybe that is a good thing because while Joe has had some sketchy moments, I think we all can agree he hasn’t dropped to Miley or Demi’s hot mess levels.

Jonas then whines about no one taking him seriously as a solo artist, and how they wanted him to be the new Justin Timberlake, blah blah blah.  He also shares that the Jonas Brothers break up was a long time coming and that they were starting to break up as a family too, so they decided to end the bang before they divorced each other’s asses.  Though Joe does imply that Nick was a loudmouth bossy pants who tried to run the show and that Kevin was to busy picking out curtains with his whiny ass wife to worry about the music.

All in all, it is a relatively “meh” amount of sharing.  There definitely could have been more dirt spilled.  I demand to know more about his alleged dildo centric sex tape with his fame whore ex girlfriend and Papa Jonas’ encouraging of Joe’s use of the bad shit if it meant he’d keep bringing home the bacon.  That’s the really interesting shit.

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