Former chastity preaching family singing trio, The Jonas Brothers, have been struck by the Mouse curse that has befallen so many of their counterparts. Unlike Miley, Linsday, or Efron, their issue isn’t drugs, bat shit craziness, or foam fingers in the crotch, though.
According to their rep, there are “creative differences” causing some bad blood, which resulted in the band cancelling their upcoming tour. It must be really difficult to agree on the type of music to put out. Do they put out crappy pop, or crappy rock, or crappy show tunes (Kevin’s favorite, of course)?
Let’s be honest, who really knew the Jonas Brothers were still even making music together? Between their shitty solo attempts and starring in a reality show that showcases bearding at it’s finest, nobody was really holding their breath that these 3 would be coming out with more sucktastic tunes.
But apparently they were trying to come out with another record and it’s all just shot to shit. The brunette version of Hanson were supposed to start a 19 city tour and just a few days before its start, they cancelled it. Now there are rumors of them just breaking up the band permanently. Somewhere, there are recent community college graduates, who are $60,000 in debt for their bullshit Liberal Arts degree, and are now on a hunger strike in their room surrounded by Camp Rock posters and voodoo dolls of Demi Lovato.
There had been whispers of issues between the brothers for years. Fighting over which brother looked best in women’s skinny jeans, who had the best coif, which guy’s 5 o’clock shadow made him look the manliest (Kevin always lost that one). They took a few years off from being their parent’s retirement plan to do their own thing, and none of them really found too much success. Kevin got married to an overbearing Italian woman for the E! Network and dismal ratings, Nick got seriously sexy jacked and went on Broadway, and Joe came out with a few singles that rivaled Kim Kardashian’s “Jam” for worst shit ever to be on the air and had a rumored sex tape.
Now the pressure of having to stand up on stage together again and pretend they are still 3 best friends was just too much and the cracks are publicly showing. Without a tour, new music, or the allure of bullshit promise rings, how will the Jonas Brothers continue to stretching out their 15 minutes of Disney fame?
I predict a trip to rehab for at least one of them in the very near future. Does Passages have a ward for those addicted to sniffing nail polish? (Again, looking at you, Kevin.)