There are always two sides to every story – even gormless, neverending stories about Hulk Hogan and his wife.

It’s true. Like, for instance, when Hulk Hogan recently said that he sympathises with wife-murderers because of how his estranged wife Linda Hogan is behaving, it was inevitable that Linda Hogan would put her side across. So therefore she’s claimed that their marriage failed because of Hulk Hogan’s constant marital indiscretions.

So just to reiterate, there are always two sides to every story. In this case those two sides are 1) Hulk Hogan is a twat and 2) Linda Hogan is a twat. There.

Nobody should have been surprised when Hulk Hogan declared that he sympathised with OJ Simpson – on the off-chance that OJ Simpson killed his wife – because of how much he hates his estranged wife Linda. After all, this is a man who has made a living from violence all his life. Well, pretend violence, anyway. Pretend violence and mock-deafness. And TV movies called Shadow Warriors II: Hunt for the Death Merchant. But mainly violence.

And we were certain that Linda Hogan wouldn’t have taken Hulk Hogan’s comments seriously. There’s absolutely no chance that Hulk Hogan would kill Linda Hogan – partly because he knows how much it’d jeopardise everything he’s worked for and partly because, judging by Linda Hogan’s leathery old neck skin, it’d take three solid days of hacking away at her with the world’s sharpest machete to even come close to denting, let alone slitting, her throat.

But still, the threat of being chopped to pieces by a bald orange man with sausagey arms is the perfect ammunition for Linda Hogan to fire back a shrieking, hysterical retaliatory statement about what an utter bellend Hulk Hogan is. So guess what she’s done. Go on, guess. MSNBC reports:

“Hulk’s serial cheating destroyed our marriage, our family and our future. Sadly, his recent comments remind us that his definition of fair is much different than what the law dictates,” Linda Hogan said in a statement released to Access Hollywood. Linda’s rep told Access, “Linda and her family are taking these recent homicidal comments seriously. Linda’s attorney Ray Rafool is weighing all options necessary to protect his client.”

As tiresome as this obviously is – especially since the Hulk Hogan/Linda Hogan divorce now seems to be into its 15th straight year – you can see why Linda Hogan has done this. Painting Hulk Hogan as a potential murderer by his own admission is bound to get her all kinds of leverage in the settlement negotiations. It might be cheap and massively distasteful, but she saw the opportunity and she took it.

And if we were Hulk Hogan we’d be bracing ourselves for more like this. For instance, ahead of the 1992 Royal Rumble we distinctly remember seeing Hulk Hogan look straight into the camera and rhetorically ask “Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?” At the time we took it as a direct personal threat to our safety, and we’ve been living in fear ever since. Expect a call from our lawyers any day now, Hogan.

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This may come as a shock, but apparently Hulk Hogan isn’t most famous for his intelligent thought-processes.

And that’s not the only shock. Apparently spending your entire career feigning deafness, ripping a series of deliberately flimsy T-shirts in half and calling everyone ‘Hulkamaniac’ regardless of level of mania might – just might – make you say the occasional ill-advised thing. Like, ooh, that if OJ Simpson killed his wife then you can totally sympathise with him because your ex-wife can be a bit of a bitch sometimes too.

Yes. Hulk Hogan said that. To Rolling Stone magazine. On purpose, presumably. Nice chap.

Things haven’t been going so well for Hulk Hogan lately. His son went to prison for driving so ridiculously that his friend will need permanent care for the rest of his life, his wife has left him for a man less than half his age and his daughter looks like a cross between Paris Hilton and an infected shrapnel wound. What’s more, Hulk Hogan’s arms don’t even look like sausages any more. Well, they do, but they’re the ropey-looking European sausages you buy at Lidl. If anything that’s worse.

So, yes, Hulk Hogan is in a bind. So what’s a man to do? Well, he could always tell a popular magazine that he often fantasises about returning to his family home and murdering everyone in the most bloodthirsty way imaginable, just like OJ Simpson was acquitted of doing all those years ago. We’re being serious here. Hulk Hogan told Rolling Stone:

“I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like O.J., cutting everybody’s throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife … I totally understand O.J. I get it.”

Even ignoring the fact that professional wrestlers by nature have a worrying habit of going berserk and murdering their families, this is still a monumentally regrettable thing for Hulk Hogan to say. In fact, it might be the most regrettable thing any wrestler has ever done, right up there alongside Mr Nanny and… wait, no, Mr Nanny is the all-time pinnacle of regrettable wrestler decisions and will be forever. Anyway, at least this has given Hulk Hogan’s reps something to choke on their tea and get into a flap over. One of them told Access Hollywood:

“Hulk in no way condones the O.J. situation. As part of a lager conversation, he referred to it to exemplify his frustration with his own situation.”

So that’s that all sorted out then. There’s not going to be a new reality TV show called Hogan Homicide or The Voices In Hogan’s Head Know Best. As ridiculously moronic as Hulk Hogan’s comments were, we all know deep down that he’d never try to kill his wife. Because, seriously, have you seen his wife? She looks like a Terminator crossed with a bulldog, for crying out loud. Hulk’s probably as terrified of her as we are.

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We presumed that once the judge had sent Nick away to prison as a consequence for turning someone in to a vegetable, that would be the last of it till his sentence ended. But that would be a naive thing to think.

Trying to use his elevated status, the Hulkster tried to pull a few strings and get a cushier prison cell for his son. Instead of being in solitary, he would hopefully spend some time with a couple of friendly rapists and murderers.

After tapes leaked on to the internet of Hulk trying to offer some decent parenting advice, there was a bit of a backlash. Poor Nick still has a lot of alone time, and Hulk looked slightly dickish. In the latest turn to this case, a new voicemail has been leaked.

This time it doesn’t come from the Hogan camp, but from the Graziano family. And we have to warn you, it is pretty shocking stuff. An awful lot of dodgy profanities and threats are made towards the Hogan family.

So how did this recording get out the Hogan tape machine? Well it just so happens that Bubba the love Sponge is a friend of Hulk’s with a radio show. He must have accidentally pressed play to broadcast the message, as there is no way we think that Hulk begged it to be played to try and look slightly innocent.

Though we’re amazed you can play the sort of stuff on the radio, it’s pretty much impossible to say arse on the radio without getting told off.

The fuzz are investigating this tape, as TMZ reports it has come from a close family member:

“John Graziano’s dad, Edward, confirmed today that the voice on the tape is that of Frank Caruso, John’s 32-year-old half-brother. He said Caruso is a child from his estranged wife’s first marriage.”

Don’t say we didn’t warn you about the threatening nature of the tape. It’s not full of happy images of sunshine, gummy trees and singing birds.

Read More:

Hulk Threats: “Your Kid’s Gonna Bleed” – TMZ

Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.

But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not - do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.

But it’s okay, as Hogan travelled to the Larry King Live show to explain that he was simply keeping his son sane. Which makes the whole thing perfectly alright; as we’re sure any normal person would surely agree.

But no – the selfish, evil parents of the now-vegetative John Graziano are not happy with Terry Bollea’s simple explanation. They have even gone so far as to claim that Hulk’s tears, shed at the end of the King broadcast, were not genuine. The nerve of some people…

In a statement released through the family lawyer, the Graziano family told TMZ.com:

“No matter how he tried to spin it, no matter how he tried to cry at the end, it wasn’t going to change people’s minds.”

Change their minds as to what? That Hulk is grasping at straws trying to piece together what’s left of his public image? Because hecklerspray certainly hasn’t changed its opinion one bit. Don’t worry Graziano family – we still think he’s pathetic in his attempts to defend his frankly indefensible little prick of a son, and we certainly won’t be swayed by a few choice words on a popular US talkshow.

If Hulk Hogan were to once again step in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior, however, then maybe we’d have a case for changing our collective hive-mind.

Aside from Hulk speaking what is widely believed to be utter tosh, the Graziano family also took issue with the fact that they were not invited to King’s show to put forward their side of the story. But to be fair, that’s to be expected – how is the Hulkster supposed to cry when he has a family, torn apart by the actions of his own son glaring at him? The fools.

Anyway, let this be a lesson, Hulk Hogan: don’t say things like this if you apparently don’t mean them. Especially if you know the conversation is being recorded. It saves you a whole bunch of hassle.

He had a wife, two kids, a huge house, a reality TV show, legions of adoring fans and an incredible moustache. Life was rosy for ol’ Terry, king of the Legdrop of Doom.

Then his prat of a son went and crashed his car while travelling at silly speeds, making a vegetable out of a good friend. Not content with ruining both his and his friend’s lives, young Nick Bollea went on to be incarcerated and was placed in solitary. Obviously, the Hulkster wasn’t too happy with this, but he kept up a brave front.

But while all this was going on, Hulk’s wife, Linda Bollea, decided she didn’t want to be married to the big man anymore and filed for divorce, demanding half of everything. Did we mention Hulk was also getting sued around this point for his son’s crash? No? Well, yes – that too.

Basically, Hogan’s life managed to go from rosy to a bag of shit in just a few months, and no amount of gesticulating towards the crowd for them to fill his ear lugs with life-affirming cheering was going to fix things. Even though it helped no end against the likes of Andre the Giant and the Macho Man.

But it hasn’t stopped there – and why should it? When life takes a dump on you, it really does strain as much fecal matter out as possible, just to see your reaction as you’re buried under piles of stinking turd. Hulk Hogan is still slowly realising that life is a complete and total fucker. As he decided to tell Larry King, in-between bouts of being a bit mental and religious.

See, Hulk had been calling Nick in solitary to keep the young tearaway sane. These calls had been recorded. Hulk was aware of this. Yet he was still surprised when they were released to the media. Hulk, Hulk, Hulk – when will you learn? After the storm of crud you’ve been weathering for the last year or so, how did you not realise this would happen? But he didn’t, as these words he uttered to Larry show:

“This was the only thing Nick had left. This is the privacy everybody had in prison… and to have that taken away? I was more worried than ever about his mental state.”

But what about the fact the Hulkster was clearly telling his son how to turn the public to his side? Surely he would back down on this, accept he was in the wrong and move on, admitting a mistake? No, he just brought God into it:

“I was trying to help [to] give Nick some type of relief because he [was] consumed with the unknown. I was just trying to explain to him that it’s ‘God’s hands’ or it’s ‘God’s will.’”

Which clearly shows that God hates Nick Bollea. Which is understandable, really.

So could it get any worse for Hogan? Well, yes, as it turned out that his soon-to-be-ex-wife is currently dating a 19-year-old ex-schoolmate of his son and daughter, Brooke.

And what did young Brooke have to say on the issue?

“I’m totally freaked out. This is really weird. I personally don’t like it at all or condone it.”

So there you go. The Hogans are pretty screwed up, really.

Hecklerspray has never been to prison, but we expect the favourite song of all the inmates to be “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys. Whatcha want, whatcha want whatcha gonna do, when sheriff John Brown come for you? Tell me whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna dooo Yeaheah.”

Try telling that to the wimpy son of the most famous wearer of the homoerotic moustache-wearing wrestler Hulk Hogan. Nick Bollea recently got put in to the slammer for driving like an irresponsible twat and buggering up the life of his passenger John Graziano.

Has Nick Bollea taken his punishment like a man? Of course not. He ripped off his lemon-coloured vest and demanded to be given a friendly rapist of a roommate. All because he was feeling lonely.

People often say that famous people tend to get favourable treatment to get nicer cells or an early release. The Hogans know this, and in a leaked tape, it appears that the Hulkster is giving his twat of a son tips on how to gain sympathy.

It obviously didn’t work.

The answer to that is in solitary confinement. Nick Bollea has seen his attempt to be moved out of solitary at Pinellas County Jail overturned by a judge, meaning that for the foreseeable future, all of Nick Bollea’s meals will be fed to him through a slot in the door.

But Nick Bollea will get no sympathy from us. Spending everyday stuck indoors alone? Craving human interaction of any kind? Forgetting what sunlight looks like? Trying hopelessly to entertain yourself just to pass the time? Eating crap food? Come on, that’s practically what we do for a living.

As Hulk Hogan’s son, Nick Bollea must be pretty used to getting his way. Not because people are intimidated by his father’s strength and physical presence, you understand, but because they don’t want to waste a couple of hours watching an old man marching round in circles ripping his clothes and extravagantly feigning deafness in the mistaken belief that it proves a point.

But, as Nick Bollea has discovered, not even having a roidy-looking saveloy-coloured father can help him with some things. For instance, since it doesn’t have the facilities to properly cope with juvenile prisoners, 17-year-old Nick Bollea has been forced to spend the eight months he was sentenced to for felony reckless driving in an adult prison’s maximum security solitary confinement.

And this made Nick Bollea sad, because he didn’t want to be kept in solitary confinement. He wanted a roommate, maybe a screaming heroin addict in withdrawal or a twitchy wifebeater or something fun like that. Better yet, he wanted to go home and spend the rest of his sentence in the desolate surroundings of his parents’ multi-million dollar Florida mansion.

Not going to happen. A judge has overturned the motion to get Nick out of solitary confinement, meaning that he’ll have to suffer through the rest of the eight months eating slot-shaped food and slowly falling in love with his own chair. People reports:

A judge refused Tuesday to release Hulk Hogan’s son from solitary confinement, where the teen is serving a sentence for felony reckless driving. In a three-sentence order, Judge Philip J. Federico denied a motion filed Monday by attorneys for Nick Bollea, 17, claiming the confinement was “cruel and unusual punishment.” The judge did not disclose his reasons for the decision.

It’s a kick in the teeth for Nick Bollea, but it’s not the end of the world completely. We’re sure after eight months of being on his own, Nick will have developed all kinds of skills that he didn’t have before – like shadow-puppetry, the ability to heal injured birds and an impressively efficient masturbation technique. He’ll have gone to prison a boy, but he’ll come out of it a man.

A creepy man with an irrational fear of sunlight who mutters cursewords to himself, granted, but a man nonetheless.

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea isn’t getting any of that at the moment, despite being sentenced to eight months in jail for crashing his car and putting his friend in a care home forever. Sure, Nick Bollea is actually in jail at the moment, but he’s in solitary.

Because his jail can’t accommodate minors properly, Nick Bollea has to spend all day on his own in a tiny cell where his meals are passed to him through a slot in the door. It can’t be much fun for Nick Bollea to be kept alone with his thoughts, mostly because he’s only ever had one thought and that was in 1998 and, to be fair, it was more of a nonspecific gurgle than anything you could say was grounded in cognitive perception.

Cars are the Hogans downfall. Well, cars and – in Huk Hogan’s case - Andre The Giant. But mainly cars. Just recently Brooke Hogan was in a car crash, and prior to that Linda Hogan drew some controversy for appearing in a drag racing video and bragging about how she likes to drive dangerously. And then there’s Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea.

Right now Nick Bollea is serving an eight-month jail sentence for flipping his car into a tree on a wet road at speed last August in a crash that left his friend John Graziano in need of constant medical care for the rest of his life and his friend’s family ready to sue the bejesus out of the Hogans.

However, all isn’t going well. As a 17-year-old, Nick Bollea should really be kept in a low-security young offender’s institute with table tennis and waterslides and a prison guard dressed as a squirrel dishing out toffee apples and candyfloss three times a day. But he isn’t.

Nick Bollea is actually in Pinellas County Jail, a grim-looking facility full of grown-up prisoners who, if you gave them a toffee apple, would kill you in 58 different ways with it by the second verse of the Happy Squirrelly Apple Song. And, as such, Nick Bollea is being kept in solitary confinement there. According to People, he wants out:

Bollea, 17, spends 16 to 17 hours a day in a maximum security cell in a Florida jail where his food is delivered through a slot in the door. “Understandably, this situation creates an unbearable anxiety for a minor in solitary confinement,” the papers say. The confinement at Pinellas County Jail, according to his lawyers, “substantially amounts to cruel and unusual punishment for a juvenile and is not warranted for a non-violent first offender serving a probation sentence.”

Of course, it’s difficult to remember that Nick Bollea is just a juvenile – partly because the genetic misfortune of having a professional wrestler father and a mother who looks like a man has left him looking about 40 years old already, and partly because he crashed an obscenely expensive supercar into a sodding tree a year ago.

But a juvenile is what he is and, as such, his lawyers are proposing that he’s moved from solitary confinement to some kind of monitored home confinement scenario.

That’s bound to teach Nick a lesson, isn’t it? Being kept in his sprawling Florida mansion, where his every whim can be catered for, listening to his Dad have relentless noisy sex with a girl 35 years his junior every hour of the… actually, come to think of it, that’s far worse than solitary. Bleugh.

But that’s not enough for Hulk Hogan’s kids. First Hogan’s son Nick wrote off his car – and any chances of his passenger having a normal life – in a spectacular crash, and now it turns out that Hulk Hogan’s daughter Brooke has been in a car crash of her own.

Brooke Hogan getting into a car accident just days after her younger brother was sentenced to eight months in prison for his crash is just plainly irresponsible. If only Brooke had the foresight to make the news for something unrelated to an automobile accident – maybe stabbing a pensioner in the neck or becoming a prostitute – we’re sure her father would be sleeping much more easily at night.

Even for a retired professional wrestler with freakish sausagey arms, traditionally homosexual facial hair and a bandana constantly on his head forlornly trying to convince the world that he isn’t bald, Hulk Hogan’s had a particularly crappy year.

And it’s all thanks to his family. Hulk’s wife Linda decided to get a divorce, Hulk’s son Nick was sentenced to jail after getting arrested for a crash that’s left his friend in a nursing home for the rest of his life, and now even Hulk’s daughter Brooke has let him down.

No, Brooke Hogan hasn’t let her father down by continually clinging onto a dream of becoming a famous singer instead of getting a proper job, even though the public has proved time and time again that it’d rather buy a CD of Josef Fritzl whispering a number harrowing threats than a Brooke Hogan album. No, Brooke has let her father down by crashing her car.

Not that it was her fault, of course – according to reports, Brooke Hogan’s car was hit head-on by an out-of-control driver in Florida on Sunday. Although her car was pushed into a concrete wall, causing $3,000 of damage, Brooke Hogan and her passenger were left uninjured – something that Brooke puts down to her seatbelt. People reports:

“I don’t know if you heard, but my friend and I got into a really bad car accident today ourselves . . . As I turned on my car I clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled out onto the road, I looked over and realized my friend didn’t have her seatbelt on. I reminded her to put it on and the minute she clicked it, a car crashed into us,” Boella wrote in a MySpace post. “It was a horrible car accident, one that most would be severely hurt in, but we had our seatbelts on and they kept us in tight.”

Thank heavens for seatbelts, huh? If it wasn’t for Brooke Hogan ordering her stupid passenger to fasten her seatbelt, then chances are she’d have been flung through the windscreen, skidded for 50ft along the road on her face, hit by an oncoming convoy of juggernauts and spent the rest of her life in a vegetative state replaying the moment she chose not to wear her seatbelt over and over again. Truly, if anyone is the hero here, it’s the seatbelt. And Brooke Hogan.

Oh, did we mention that the Hogan family is being sued for millions of dollars by the family of John Graziano, the boy who sustained such serious injuries when Nick Hogan crashed his car that he’ll have to spend the rest of his life under constant care? And that the Hogans appear to have been passive-aggressively implying that Graziano’s injuries are all his fault because he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt?

We did mention that? Oh. Then we can’t for the life of us work out why we decided to point it out again now.

Like his family, for instance. Not only is Hulk Hogan being divorced by his wife, but now he's also been sued by the friend of Hulk Hogan's son Nick who was critically injured when Nick crashed his car into a tree last year.

According to the lawsuit, Hulk Hogan is culpable for damages because he allowed Nick to drive even though he knew what a dangerous driver he was. If Hulk Hogan loses this lawsuit, he could stand to lose millions of dollars from it – an amount he could quite easily make back by agreeing to appear in another reality TV show. Something called Hogan Doesn't Know Best or Hogan's A Legally Irresponsible Parent or something.

Some people look at Hulk Hogan, see his fluorescent handlebar moustache, his bald head disguised by a horrible mullet/ bandana combo and his superhuman talent of being able to tear a deliberately-flimsy T-shirt in half and think that he's invincible. But Hulk Hogan isn't invincible. In fact, it looks as if Hulk Hogan is pretty much effed.

For starters, Hulk Hogan is getting divorced, possibly because Hulk Hogan had an affair with his daughter's friend. And if it wasn't bad enough that he stands to lose half of his money to his wife, Hulk Hogan now stands to lose even more of it thanks to a lawsuit by the family of John Graziano.

John Graziano, you'll remember, is the boy who was critically injured when Hulk Hogan's son Nick smashed his car into a tree at high speed in August. Because of the crash, Graziano will need medical care for the rest of his life and has still not left hospital.

But while Nick has been arrested for the crash – police claim he was racing another driver when he lost control of his car – it's Hulk Hogan who's being sued by Graziano's family, as Reuters reports:

The suit filed in Pinellas County by the parents of John Graziano says Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, was responsible for the August 26 crash in Clearwater, Florida, because he knew his son liked to speed and race other drivers. The suit also names Hogan's wife, Linda Bollea, Nick Bollea and Jacobs as defendants. Linda Bollea has filed for divorce from her husband. Edward and Debra Graziano did not ask for a specific amount of damages but said John, 23, may need millions of dollars to pay for medical care for the rest of his life. He remains hospitalized with head injuries.

The lawsuit certainly seems to have merit – still just 17 years old, Nick has been ticketed four times for speeding, plus an episode of Hogan Knows Best centres around Hulk Hogan's reactions to Nick's constant bad driving. Meanwhile, a 2006 documentary shows Hulk Hogan's wife Linda staring into the camera and telling everyone how much she loves street racing.

It doesn't look great for the Hogans, and just about the only thing that Hulk Hogan has left in life to look forward to is American Gladiators, and you know the old saying – when the only good thing in your life is American Gladiators then you're basically shagged.

But this Hulk Hogan lawsuit is just the start of a larger problem – just as Dog The Bounty Hunter will never fully recover from his racism scandal, Hulk Hogan could also be destroyed by his proximity to such a horrific crash. And if that happens, it means there won't be any more oversized oddly-coloured angry blonde reality TV role models left, which is potentially very dangerous for society.

Aaron Carter, it's time to beef up and fill the vacuum.

Read more:

Hulk Hogan sued by family of Florida crash victim – Reuters 

And because she's a fat lesbian, Rosie O'Donnell has incurred Hulk Hogan's wrath like no other, with the possible exception of Rowdy Roddy Piper or Nikolai Volkoff. To promote his upcoming revival of American Gladiators, Hulk Hogan has decided to tell the world that he wants one of the American Gladiators to beat up Rosie O'Donnell because "someone needs to shut that big mouth up." And quite right. It's that kind of level-headed, shot from the hip straight-talking that's made Hulk Hogan the man he is today – an old, bald, sausage-coloured, washed-up wrestler with a son who's been arrested, an expensive divorce on the go, a couple of dodgy knees and a filmography that includes Mr Nanny.

Rosie O'Donnell isn't on the telly any more. Not for lack of trying, but she just isn't. It could be because Rosie O'Donnell can't help but make enemies every time she opens her mouth, whether it's Elisabeth Hasselbeck or Donald Trump or the entire population of China.

But maybe it's not entirely down to that, because Rosie O'Donnell hasn't opened her mouth in public for quite some time now, and she's even managed to make a new enemy that way too. And a formidable one at that – it's Hulk Hogan, who for two decades was the leading proponent of ripping flimsy T-shirts open, pretending to be deaf and flexing his saveloy-style arms in slow-motion to the sound of copyright-free hard rock music on VHS compilation tapes.

You'd think that Hulk Hogan would have enough on his plate at the moment, what with his divorce and his son getting arrested for crashing his car so badly that his friend will remain in care for the rest of his life, but no. Hulk Hogan also has the new series of American Gladiators to promote.

The new American Gladiators have just been unveiled, and a group of angrier, more racially-diverse, fatter-thighed men and women you'll be hard pushed to find. But since they're all new to this fighting thing with foam-ended sticks thing, perhaps the American Gladiators should set about a celebrity first, as a sort of practise. And Hulk Hogan knows who should get it first:

"Without a doubt Rosie O'Donnell. Somebody needs to shut that big mouth up."

And this bewildering, completely outdated – the main television networks have already shut Rosie O'Donnell up, remember? – outburst gave Rosie O'Donnell the perfect chance to use her blog for something other than demonstrating hair-straighteners and wailing about dead Iraqi babies. This is how Rosie responded:

hulk hogan
the wrestler guy
wants to pummel me
isnt that sweet
and wildly odd

its like a gang of gross guys
a club almost
old dumb white and on tv

Perhaps this is the end of Hulk Hogan and Rosie O'Donnell's weird little feud. But perhaps it isn't. Perhaps it'll stretch to it's inevitable outcome – where Rosie O'Donnell dresses up in shiny silver spandex and charges at Hulk Hogan flailing and kicking, until the building sexual tension becomes unbearable and they start doing it on the floor, right in front of everyone, and then Donald Trump comes in and gets all like "I want me some of that" and strips off and starts to double-team Rosie O'Donnell with Hulk Hogan, and people watching start crying and fainting and puking and screaming at God to make it stop.

So for that reason alone, let's hear no more of this.

Read more:

Hulk Hogan Says He'd Like to See a Gladiator Pummel Rosie O'Donnell – Fox 

But that's not the case at all, as Hulk Hogan is quickly discovering for himself. Just days after Linda Bollea, Hulk Hogan's wife of 24 years, surprised the Hulkster by divorcing him, it's been announced that she's after everything that Hulk Hogan's got – namely half of his $9.5 million assets plus alimony, child support fees and health insurance for their son. But Hulk Hogan and Linda Bollea are both adults and we're sure they'll reach a sensible, amicable agreement over the course of time – either that or Hulk Hogan is going to walk around in circles puffing out his cheeks, waving an American flag about and ripping his shirt to pieces, which admittedly does seem to be his answer to bloody everything.

We can't imagine why Linda Bollea is divorcing the bald, long-haired, bleach-blond, handlebar-moustachioed, saveloy-armed, grunting play-fighter Hulk Hogan, but the sad truth of the matter is that she is. Which is news to us and news to Hulk Hogan too, since he reportedly only found out about the divorce through a phonecall from a journalist.

But whatever the reason that Linda Bollea is divorcing Hulk Hogan for – officially it's because the marriage is "irretrievably broken," which could mean anything – the fun has only just begun. Because, according to the filed divorce petition, Linda Bollea wants half of everything that Hulk Hogan's got. That's right – half of the money Hulk Hogan earnt during his wrestling career, half of the money he earnt from starring in Hogan Knows Best and, oh the humanity, even half of Hulk Hogan's Mr Nanny salary.

All in all, the divorce petition claims that Linda Bollea is after half of the couple's assets – namely a mansion in Bel Air, a house in Florida and another house under construction in Las Vegas – plus unspecified alimony and child support for their 17- and 19-year-old children, along with health insurance for their son Nick just in case he drives like a turd and crashes his car again.

News of Linda Bollea's divorce demands comes at the same time as rumours that perhaps – just perhaps – Hulk Hogan's marriage has been in trouble for a while, and that perhaps he and Linda were staying together for the money from Hogan Knows Best, and that perhaps the divorce became official a few days after VH1 decided that it wasn't going to make any new episodes of the show. How correct any of that is, we don't know. After all, the thought of a couple enduring a sham marriage for the sake of a brainless reality TV and the divorcing as soon as it ends seems wholly unrealistic to us.

We're sure the truth about Hulk Hogan's divorce will come out in time, bu for now Hulk Hogan has to worry about shelling out half of everything he owns to his soon-to-be ex-wife. However, there has to be a compromise here – Hulk Hogan is a big man, so why doesn't he just give his wife half of everything that he can physically pull apart with his bare hands? It's a fair deal, we think – face it, what woman wouldn't want to walk out of a quarter-century marriage with a suitcase full of flimsy vest-tops and nothing else?

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Hulk Hogan's Wife Wants half Of Assets In Divorce - People 

But that's just the risk that Linda Marie Bollea is taking, because after 24 happy years of marriage, she getting divorced from Hulk Hogan. Not that she told Hulk Hogan this, of course – that was down to a journalist who'd heard about the divorce and phoned up Hogan to get his opinion, only to discover it was the first he'd heard about it. But now that there's been time to let the news of his divorce sink in, let's hope that Hulk Hogan can see the positives in the matter – after all, without a wife around, Hulk Hogan will have much more time to indulge in his hobbies of pumping iron accompanied by widdly-woo 1980s stadium rock and headbutting the flags of various non-American nations.

As his theme-music so often told us, Hulk Hogan is a real American who fights for the right of every man (fights for what's right, fights for your life). In retrospect, though, dear old Hulk Hogan probably should have tried a bit harder to fight for the rights of some women as well, especially the one he's married to, because then he probably wouldn't be getting divorced.

After 24 of what we're assuming were happily-married years, Hulk Hogan's wife Linda Marie Bollea has decided that she wants a divorce. How much of this has to do with their son's recent arrest for his spectacularly stupid car crash is unknown. But what is known, though, is that Hulk Hogan didn't have a bloody clue that he was being divorced until a reporter from the St Petersburg Times phoned him up to tell him. After thanking the reporter for the "great information" and hanging up, Hulk Hogan then called back a few minutes later with the following explanation:

"You caught me off guard. My wife has been in California for about three weeks. Holy smokes. Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me. I just pulled over to the side of the road for five minutes to find out what was going here."

And for now, that's all anyone knows. Since the only emotions that Hulk Hogan is capable of are anger and monkey-faced, staggering retribution, it's hard to know how Hulk Hogan will respond to the divorce, although there's smart money on him teaming up with Dog The Bounty Hunter to start some kind of Oversized Middle-Aged Grizzled Bleach-Blond Gorilla Emotional Support Network to see each other through in their time of mutual crisis.

However, the world is full of identikit, platinum-haired, surgically reconstructed, orange-skinned trophy wives, so we're sure that Hulk Hogan will be able to quickly move on and find someone else to put up with him. Let's hope so, because Hulk Hogan is set to start hosting American Gladiators soon, and we don't really want to be subjected to the pitiful sight of Hulk Hogan, all red-eyed and drunk, fitfully running halfway up the backwards travelator thing while unsuccessfully trying to tear off his T-shirt on live TV in an ill-judged attempt to prove to his wife that he's still as much of a man as he's always been.

Oh, who are we kidding? We'd love to see that, and so would you. 

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Hulk Hogan Headed For Divorce – E! Online 

So who can blame Hulk Hogan's son Nick Bollea for going off the rails a little bit? After all, Nick's just doing what normal teenagers do, pushing at the boundaries by occasionally drinking or getting interested in girls or… what's that? Nick Bollea rebelled by racing his Toyota at high speed on a wet road, flipping it into a tree-trunk and critically injuring his passenger? OK, admittedly that's something that a slightly smaller amount of teenagers do.

Anyway, long story short – Nick Bollea has been arrested for the crash and Hulk Hogan isn't very happy about it, so police should probably watch out for a bald geriatric man with ridiculous facial hair shouting "Whatcha gonna do?" at them until he gets tired and needs to sit down sometime soon.

Really this should be the happiest time of Hulk Hogan's life. After all, he's avoided the old wrestler fate of murdering his wife and children before committing suicide and found a new level of fame by starring in Hogan Knows Best and getting to present the new series of American Gladiators – but thanks to Hulk Hogan's son Nick Bollea, things aren't so rosy.

Because while 17-year-old Nick Bollea hasn't inherited his father's premature balding or weirdly saveloy-style arms, but he does seem to have inherited Hulk's need for danger. And this is something that manifested itself tragically on August 26 when Nick Hogan flipped his Toyota on a wet road and collided with a palm tree, a crash so serious that his passenger John Graziano will need to be cared for in a nursing home for the rest of his life.

And now police have decided that Nick Bollea's crash was enough to warrant an arrest for reckless driving involving serious bodily injury, and for Nick to be tried as an adult. The arrest prompted this statement from Hulk Hogan's lawyer:

"Nick and the entire 'Hogan' Bollea family are saddened that criminal charges have been filed in regards to the tragic single car accident on August 26, 2007. The family's primary focus and concern still remains for the continued recovery of Nick's longtime friend John Graziano. The Bolleas will also continue to stand by the Graziano family and help them in any way they can. The tragedy to both families is compounded by the fact that unfortunately John was not wearing his seatbelt. Thankfully, Nick was wearing his. Because of what happened to John, the entire Bollea family will make it a priority to increase public awareness about the importance of always wearing your seatbelt."

Much of the ensuing trial will focus on the speed at which Nick Bollea was driving and the conditions of the road at the time. Should it be proved that Nick's speeding caused the crash, there's a very strong chance that he'll be dealt some severe punishment.

But, aside from the arrest, possible jail sentence and crippling lifelong guilt at knowing that he's put a friend in a care home for the rest of his life, Nick Bollea should probably look on the bright side. After all, in terms of twattish celebrity offspring behaviour, flipping a car into the side of a tree must put Nick at least level with Rod Stewart's son now. And that's reason to be proud indeed.