Hulk Hogan’s Sex Tape Will Make You Tap Out, Brother!

hulk hogan sex tapeLet’s be clear about this from the off: you’re going to see (censored) photos of Hulk Hogan having sex. It may make you dry heave. It may also ruin your childhood. I can only presume you’re reading this because you have mental issues or a tendency towards sado-mascochism.

I say that because millions of us around the world were brought up with a simple maxim: say your prayers and take your vitamins brother. You’re now going to see your childhood hero at his most base and animal, copulating in front of a hidden camera. They say never meet your heroes. The 21st-century version of that is “never see the sex tape of your heroes”.

Hulk Hogan sex tape

Don’t say we didn’t warn you. You had plenty of opportunities to turn back. Now you’re going to be confronted by the harsh reality of the situation. Yes, we believe this is Hulk Hogan having sex. We think it’s with Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife. Which is weird enough. There are thoughts that the person who is being talked to in the initial part of the video is actually Bubba himself, which takes the situation to a whole new level of discomfort.

Gawker has 30 minutes and 17 seconds of Hulk Hogan going at it with the woman like, well, like a geriatric former steroid user whose back is so shot that he is incapable of walking without enormous pain. Sorry if you thought that Hogan was going to be running wild, brother! That doesn’t happen here.

Hulk Hogan

Frankly, Hogan is known for wrestling, and AJ Delaurio’s play-by-play on the action is hilarious enough, so let’s take it to ringside!

*DING DING DING*

It opens with Hulk Hogan performing oral sex on the woman as she lays on the bed. Then another man’s voice can be heard from inside the room off-camera and both Hulk and the naked woman engage in idle chit-chat with the mystery man. Because the woman closely resembles Mrs. Clem, some have suggested that the voice of the mystery man is, in fact, Bubba the Love Sponge. If this is true, Bubba has no problem sharing his wife with his best friend.

“You guys do your thing,” this man says. “I’ll be in the office if you need me.”

Hulk Hogan

So far, so horrific. Consider it a collar-and-elbow tie up, then a quick bodyslam and elbow drop.

Hulk strips down. His tan line is exposed and his hairline is vulnerable and silly without the do-rag, but there is sex to be had regardless. Hulk must get hard, though, and the woman is eager to make that happen. Her fellatio is successful and Hulkamania is about to run wild on her but then his cell phone rings. He checks it because he thinks it might be his son, Nick. The ringtone on Hulk Hogan’s phone is a song by his daughter, Brooke Hogan

Hulkster

OH JESUS NO. That’s a horrifying event. Why would you have sexytime interrupted by your daughter singing at you? I mean, think about it: you can get called at any time of the day. You could be on the crapper. Your phone rings. You don’t want to associate your daughter with that. But anyway…

Then, Hulk grunts. Hulk grunts more. Then Hulk grunts like he’s doing an impression of old Hulk Hogan grunting right before he’s about to cum/come. [...] Hulk is still coming down from his orgasm and is making quick, loud Tony Soprano wheezes. [...] But then he tells the woman that he’s shocked that the fucking took place at all because he’d just eaten ten minutes before he got there and “felt like a pig.” He had sashimi. He smacks his large stomach and makes his way to the shower.

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