The good looking version of Herman Munster, George Clooney, has used his charm to get a lot of things in his life. If you believe the rumours, his charm has worked best on throwing people off the scent that he might be gay.

We’ve no idea if he’s gay or not and don’t rightly care. That’s because he’s a massive slag either way.

How so? Well, what happened to you when you found out you didn’t get tickets for some stupid event at the London 2012 Olympics? You basically looked into your lap, dejectedly, and thought ‘that’s that then’. Clooney is a star though. He can slag it up in the media asking for a freebie.

See, George Clooney is desperate to attend this year’s London Olympics. So much so that he’s enthusing about the world’s third biggest sports event (after The FIFA World Cup and Summer Slam) coming to the English capital as he loves visiting soooooo much. London’s just wonderful, eh George! Best place on Earth eh?

Lying slag.

Alas, he’s not been able to get any tickets, leaving him begging for some from The Sun:

“I think it’s fantastic that the Olympics are coming to London. I think you should always try to take politics out of sport and the London bid did that.”

“Track and field is something that I really want to come back and see if I can get some tickets. I’m a big fan of London. There are only a handful of great cities in the world and it’s one of them.”

Only an American tourist could ever call London a ‘great city’.

He’s obviously never been on a night bus with a drunk lunatic or had to endure actual London residence, with their inflated sense of worth and B.O. brought on by scurrying around the Tube like rodents.

Hey! The Golden Globe nominees have been announced! Isn’t that amazing? Your day just went from pretty average to spectacular on the waft of a bunch of nominations for a bunch of actors who barely know you exist!

Tip top stuff.

Two veritable strangers to us all are having a particularly good day today, namely, Ryan Gosling and George Clooney. Everyone in Hollywood loves them. Loves them hard. The little bestubbled, preening, walking piggy banks!

Gosling and Clooney were among the top repeated nominees, while David Fincher got something or other. Bully for those guys.

In the key Best Motion Picture Drama category, the Clooney-directed Ides of March is oddly, going to go up against the Clooney-starring The Descendants. The people choosing the noms clearly didn’t spend their youth making compilation tapes and adhering to the ‘One Artist Per Comp’ rule.

Swine.

The Help, Martin Scorsese’s Hugo, Moneyball and Steven Spielberg’s War Horse were nominated, too, even though Clooney has nothing to do with them. Impressive!

Gosling meanwhile, with that long gormless face of his, goes up against Clooney for Best Drama Actor. He also got a nomination for Best Comedy-Musical Actor for Crazy Stupid Love, which absolutely no-one has seen.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo picked up two nominations: one for Original Score, and one key one for breakout star Rooney Mara (Best Drama Actress).

50/50, The Artist, Bridesmaids, Midnight in Paris and My Week With Marilyn are up for Best Motion Picture Comedy-Musical while over in the TV series nominees, we get American Horror Story, Glee, Game of Thrones and New Girl.

The ceremony is set for January 15th and, of course, Ricky Gervais is hosting.

Hey! You know who is so sexy it hurts? No. Seriously. So sexy that every alluring move of any body part results in absolute agony? Yeah. That sexy. Really violently sexy. Eruptingly sexually sexy?

Bradley Cooper!

Yeah. You thought we were going to say Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney didn’t you? You may have even thought about the amazingly gormless looking Ryan Gosling. BUT NO! Sexier than all of those put together, sexier than a French accent, sexier than a well-lit porn film is Bradley ‘Sexiest Man On Earth’ Cooper! Who-per?

That’s right! Bradley Cooper from… uh… ummm… that thing… ah… and Ryan Reynolds who… ummm… was in… he, ah… ummm…

Anyway, they’ve been declared the Sexiest Men Alive by People. That’s People Magazine, not some random people we asked on the street.

Cooper, who was totally brilliant when he was in that thing we saw… well… he was pretty sexy anyway, said of this dubious accolade:

“The first thing I thought [when I was named Sexiest Man Alive] was, ‘My mother is going to be so happy”

Now Cooper is the Sexiest Man On Earth, his mum will, by law, have to start being sexually attracted to her own son. What a weird and sexy scenario.

In addition to Sexy Cooper, the list also features, Liam Hemsworth, Idris Elba, Justin Theroux, Chris Evans, Tim McGraw, Josh Charles, Joel McHale, Jason Momoa, Alec Baldwin, Dylan McDermott, and Ryan Gosling who is still staring into the middle-distance looking like someone working out a tricky maths problem.

How amazingly sexy this all is.

WAIT! BRADLEY COOPER HAS A WONKY EYE LIKE ALFRED E. NEUMAN FROM MAD MAGAZINE! That’s so not sexy. That’s anti-sexy. Like a German reading a phonebook.

Blecch.

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Impressionists. It’s hard to know whether to laugh at them or kill them by strangling them with their own vocal chords.

Alas, they’re not all idiots. Some are rather good and inventive with it. Of course, most aren’t. Most are jarring nincompoops.

However, one chap has an A-to-Z of celebrity impressions and, while some aren’t too hot, some are really, really great.

In the alphabet of impressions, you’ll hear George Clooney, Matt Damon, Eddie Izzard, Patrick Stewart, Ron Howard, Kevin Spacey and a very, very splendid take on Quentin Tarantino and John Malkovich.

Unless you hate impressionists.

Then you’ll obviously hate this video so hard that it’ll actively give you energy and you’ll stomp around and beat your fists on your head with blind rage.

Or not.

Who cares? Watch this mildly distracting video and make your own stupid mind up.

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In Hollywood, it seems that only marriage to a member of the opposite sex will stop people from assuming you’re gay, despite the fact it seems that your member has been in-and-out of a staggering amount of eligible beautiful women. We are, of course, talking about George Clooney, as the headline already told you.

Of course, there’s those of you who will be thinking “Ah! The gay doth protest too much!”, which won’t be helped by the fact that one of Clooney’s mates has pop his head ’round the door and said ‘He’s definitely not gay y’know?’

We didn’t bloody ask if he was! Now you’ve gone and made him look all gay! And now you’ve made us look like his gayditude is something of an issue! PISS OFF.

See, everyone started thumbing at George and saying he was gay because he’s basically too handsome and too unwilling to settle down and have a family with one of the world’s women.

And one of Clooney’s chums is here to say that it’s perfectly normal to not want marriage… because it is. This article is stating the obvious.

Manuele Malenotti, who has a delightfully camp name, introduced Clooney to model Elisabetta Canalis a couple of years ago. Alas, they’ve split up because George is either gay or he doesn’t want to settle down. Or both. We don’t know anymore. Why don’t you leave us alone?

Speaking to some stupid glossy magazine, Manuele says that Canalis isn’t a professional beard (look it up) and that George is 100% getting erections for members of the opposite sex.

I have known George for ten years. Of all the actors I know in Hollywood he is the one I see the most and we have done lots of charity work together. I know about their relationship because I was the one who got them together. George wanted to meet Elisabetta and he asked me to make the introductions.

I did as he asked but inside I always knew that it wouldn’t last – to be honest I was expecting it. You will have to ask them for all the specific reasons.

Really gay specific you mean?

All I can say is that George, when it comes to love, has decided that he is not going to get married again and he is not going to have any children and he won’t change his mind…  big stars like George need people by their side to help them and they are always under immense pressure. For a partner it’s never easy because everybody has their own requirements.

Like having sex with members of their own gender? He’s something of a ‘Dapper Dan Man’. Does that even make sense as a slur?

To suggest it was a publicity stunt is a lie. I introduced them, I saw them together and I can say that their love story was very intense. In two years they shared numerous moments. I can also tell you that I have known George for ten years, I have spent a lot of time with him and a lot of women have passed through his life. You never know in life, and men are having an identity crisis but I can tell you George is not gay.

WE DON’T ACTUALLY CARE. PLEASE STOP.

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There was a distinct dampness in the air around the world last night. Meteorologists struggled to explain the phenomenon which seemed to emanate from the Hollywood hills. However, when it was officially announced that Hollywood heart-throb and all round photogenic guy George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis had parted ways the meteorologists were allowed to go home as the explanation was suddenly self-explanatory.

The actor, who played Danny Ocean in the surprisingly good remake of Ocean’s 11 (and its subsequent awful successors), and the Italian actress who began dating two years ago, issued a joint statement declaring that they were “not together any more” which will no doubt lead to a surge in the number of missing women the world over as they run away to stalk the chiselled star.

Something that we all have to remember is that George might need some time to get over his split with his girlfriend. We don’t want to see you all running out and getting divorces because something better’s finally come along. There’s no guarantee that George would even touch you, let alone give you one. Let’s bear that in mind before you get all nutty.

Of course, you don’t really care about that, do you? You don’t even care about our vaguely humourous if slightly sweeping generalisation that all women want to sleep with George Clooney, do you? You just clicked on this story to see a picture of George Clooney, didn’t you? Fine.

Is that better? Would you like to read an extract from the statement now? Can you even focus on what we’ve written? The former couple added:

“It’s very difficult and very personal and we hope everyone can respect our privacy.”

Shortly after meeting, the couple were photographed riding a motorbike near Lake Como. That’s not important, we just thought that the inclusion of some attractive scenery might take your mind off his chiselled features but you’re just imagining lying by the side of a picturesque lake with him aren’t you? Christ.

He has a villa on the lake. Probably with a view of the glittering blue water. Your mind’s gone into something from a Mills & Boon novel now, hasn’t it?

We give up. There’s no point in trying to get you lot to pay attention if you’re just going to daydream.

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For some reason, people are under the impression that George Clooney is going to run for office. If he did, he couldn’t be a Democrat because he’s too laid back, even for them. He certainly couldn’t be a Republican because he doesn’t seem mentally challenged in some way.

Clooney would have to start a new party to liven up American politics – The Irritatingly Suave Party.

Their manifesto would involve teaching youngsters how to raise their eyebrows in a suggestive manner, the ability to make inanimate objects have orgasms and of course, the ability to drink bong water. What? Well, ask Clooney yourself.

While Clooney has absolutely no intention of becoming a politician (why would he? He can be a kinky git and do as many drugs as he liked without fear of being dubbed immoral by voters as it is), he did talk about a theoretical political career.

Clooney says:

“I didn’t live my life in the right way for politics, you know.”

“I fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that’s the truth.”

The problem here is not that he likes to have sex with women and do drugs… rather, the key part of the sentence which makes him not ideal for modern politics in the last word he uttered – ‘truth’.

There’s clearly no place in the world for a disarmingly honest member of government. People even rolled their eyes when Obama said words to the effect of ‘course I inhaled! That was the whole point y’stupid idiots!‘

See, all this questioning has come about because Clooney is starring in a new movie where he plays a flawed presidential candidate in The Ides of March.

He’s directing the movie AND co-wrote it, which is all rather clever isn’t it? We’re surprised that he found the time to do it what with every woman in the world constantly trying to get in his undercrackers.

As a campaigner, he believes…

“would start from the beginning by saying, ‘I did it all. I drank the bong water. Now let’s talk about issues.’ That’s gonna be my campaign slogan: ‘I drank the bong water.’”

That’s almost as catchy as ‘Yes We Can’.

If hecklerspray tried to become politicians, our campaign slogan would be “We Put The Orange In Our Mouth And Sucked The Heroin From The Cotton Wool While Trying To Maintain An Erection”.

We might actually give this a go. Would you vote for us?

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Malaria never really took off as the celebrity illness du jour. Cheryl Cole had it for a while and got the tiniest violin in the world out to moan about facing death square in the face – much like Bill and Ted did in that movie. However, George Clooney’s had a dose of it and he probably tried to seduce it with that handsome square head of his.

That’s right kiddiekins – George Clooney has revealed that he contracted malaria but has now completely recovered from it, and not once did any stories appear with him giving us the doe-eyes and acting all frail.

Clooney caught the disease while he was in Sudan doing some stupid charity work with the UN and Google. Apparently, Clooney and his handsomeness were trying to prevent a new civil war. Sorry champ, you’re not that good-looking.

George’s rep says:

“George is completely over the Malaria he contracted while in the Sudan during the first week in January. This was his second bout with it. This illustrates how with proper medication, the most lethal condition in Africa, can be reduced to a bad ten days instead of a death sentence.”

Yeah. Whatever. Who gives two poops about what some faceless representative has to say? WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU! OKAY? YOU CAN GO AND DIE OF MALARIA FOR ALL WE CARE!

We want to know what the ravishingly good looking George Clooney has to say. Did he beat it by raising an eyebrow and saying something kinda funny?

He says:

“Well you know, even with malaria it’s just good fun. I’ve had it twice, I guess the mosquito in Juba looked at me and thought I was the bar.”

Aww! Isn’t he just adorable? He even managed to seduce a disease riddled fly! TWICE! How many Hollywood actors can say that?

Sadly, you desperate, hormonal ladies will not be able to offer your services as bedside nurse because he’s all fit and well again. You’ll just have to put away your PVC nurse costume and rectal thermometer and save it for a rainy day.

Apparently, the pudding faced simpleton, Piers Morgan (who was interviewing Clooney) said that he’d had a few offers from people thinking that they might be more use to an ailing Clooney than, say, AN ACTUAL DOCTOR WITH A DEGREE IN MEDICINE.

Morgan said:

“Clooney malaria update: now have 24,563 offers to nurse him. But his rep says medication worked and he’s OK. Sorry, ladies. If the nursing offer still stands though, I’m beginning to feel a bit hot under the collar myself.”

Jesus Christ. Anyone game for taking that offer on? Essentially, is anyone willing to swap the notion of a charming, smooth rascal like George Clooney for the chance to dab Piers Morgan’s bedsores through the night?

Anyone? No?

Good. You’ve clearly got at least one functioning eye then.

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This week’s toffee and fudge.

Folded:

• Cassetteboy…we love you (could this be his best one yet?)
• SaveWalterWhite.com (fun this actually exists, and good too because you can follow the link and give money to a real cancer charity)
• Own George Clooney’s sunglasses from The American (it is guaranteed you will look just like him when you wear them)
• Soon you’ll be able to buy Back to the Future Nike shoes with power laces (we live in wonderful times)
• Breaking Bad wins some Emmys (and it deserved to because it’s the best show on TV that none of your friends watch)

Creased:

• Bridget Fonda has not appeared in a movie for eight years (this is terrible news for anyone who remembers how hot she used to be)
• It’s September (let’s all enjoy the summer. Stupid country)
• Five’s massive amount of ad breaks (seriously, they are on about every ten minutes and always right in the middle of an action scene or passage of dialo-)
• Bank holiday slowdown (short week nuthin; it drags even more when you have slipped into a coma watching old movies and eating Chipsticks on the Monday)
• Okay, even we think Diana Princess of Wales pants are a sick idea (and what’s a kid doing there?)

Imagine being George Clooney. Wouldn’t it be great?  You get to have international fame as being the nippleiest Batman ever.

You can devote your life to pigs and no one thinks you’re a weirdo. Your name sounds like a slang word for a ladies area. And, best of all, everyone knows you as an international playboy and eternal bachelor, meaning you can knob your way though vast crowds of women young enough to be your daughter without anyone expecting you to settle down.

Sort of like a male Lindsay Lohan. That is, apart from the age thing. And the more sensible career choices. And the fact that he looks like he’d just smell like an old man, and not like he’d need to be washing at arms length with an antiseptic sponge. And not being a lunatic.  Basically, he’s got it made.

But what’s this? His girlfriend has been seen wearing a ring? Is this the fall of the house of Cloon?

Of course it isn’t. He’s strapped on his enhanced plastic nipples and wielded his marriage-repellent bat-spray – otherwise known as his publicist. As Radaronline reports:

Clooney’s rep confirmed to RadarOnline.com “it’s a napkin ring” that she appeared to be flashing to photographers.

A napkin ring? Those things are huge compared to little, tiny engagement rings for dainty ladies! Obviously, it’s either a great big fat lie about it being a napkin ring, or his girlfriend has some kind of grotesque elephantitis of the fingers which leaves them the size of Bratwurst and means that the local Italian children laugh at her in the street and call her ‘tree fingers’ and ask if they can make a bookcase out of her hand (insults tend to lose something in the translation).

Either of those, probably. Or it could be that people are just pretty stupid and like to make up elaborate fantasies regarding the home life of famous people based on a single still image of something shiny attached to someone’s hand. Kind of like I’d drawn the conclusion that Katy Perry likes to dress up as a hairless wolf and pretend to devour langoustines and cream cheese from Russell Brand’s navel, based on an image of them both striding past an injured hen.

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If last night’s Oscars taught us anything, it’s that George Clooney can do no wrong.

There he was, right in the front row, pulling a thousand faces that made him look like everything from a bored child in church to a bored child in church with a nasty case of intestinal parasites, and the ladies still swooned all over him. Why? Because George Clooney and his ilk are lotharios. If only you could be more like him, eh? Eh?

Luckily, we’re here to help. To make sure that everyone has the chance to become an old-school jet-setting charmer like Clooney or Brad Pitt or Roger Moore, we’ve knocked up this handy guide to becoming an international charmer. Enjoy, and thank us later…

Dress code

At first we were going to suggest a sharp Don Draper-style suit, but that’s no good. A hit with the ladies he may be, but Draper’s all about work. Imagine what a sweltering wreck you’d be if you spent your summer strolling around Capri in a full suit and tie. No, to pull this look off, you have to think like the masters – what you need is a tiny pair of Speedos, with a velvet smoking jacket to set it off in the evenings. As for accessories, you can never go wrong with a giant gold medallion nestled in a luxurious mane of chest hair. You may also like to think about experimenting with a moustache.

Transport

To become a true international lothario, you’ll need a yacht and a tiny Italian sports car. But then you’ll only be a good international lothario, and they’re ten a penny. If you want to be a great international lothario, why not invest in a helicopter? After all, any idiot can drive a car along the Amalfi coast, but only a true jet-setter can zoom over it in their own chopper with three giggling supermodels on each arm. Be sure to throw your head back and laugh like you haven’t got a care in the world every couple of miles, too. You’re much more likely to crash as a result of doing this, but what do you care? You don’t fear death, you’re rich!

Accent

Remember, you’re an international lothario. Blathering away in your natural Billericay accent won’t get you anywhere. You need to sound witty and profound and charming and deep if you’re going to ahead with the European glamourcenti. So why not take a leaf out of Daniel Day Lewis’s book? In Nine, Daniel adopted a bizarre mid-European accent so utterly bewildering that the likes of Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard and Nicole Kidman couldn’t help but throw themselves at him. Remember, nothing is sexier than sounding a bit like Borat’s developmentally-challenged younger nephew.

Hobbies

As a man of incredible style and wealth, you’ll need to find something to occupy your time. And playing Mario Kart in your pants probably won’t square with your new image as a jet-setting charmer. You could collect art, or become a wine buff, or learn to appreciate opera – but that’s hardly exciting. Some form of sporting activity works well – look at what a dollop of tennis prowess did for noted jetsetter Jacques D’Azur, on and off the court – but if you’re going to do something, you may as well do it properly. So why not develop a side career as a master criminal instead? It’ll ensure that you remain a member of the idle rich, it’ll keep you in expensive clothes, it’ll give you a hint of danger that will drive the ladies wild and – if Danger: Diabolik is any indication – you’ll get to live in a psychedelic underground cave that contains a giant, rotating, money-covered bed. Plus you get to wear all-in-one leather ninja suits, too. How many wine buffs can get away with that?

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Here’s a drama for the ‘thinking man’.

The type of thinker who spends most of his life in an office cubicle or the business class lounge. If you can bear to watch this trailer then your boredom threshold is astounding. George Clooney stars in this depressing corporate slog as a faceless American bureaucrat doing God knows what and travelling God knows where. God knows who this sort of rubbish would appeal to, but maybe we’re wrong. Maybe some fantastic moral message (or plot) is stapled to the back of a 90-page report or hidden at the bottom of a frothy cafe latte…

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Are you a girl who suffers from a counterfactual over-estimation of your own physical attractiveness? You are?

Then you’d better sit down. George Clooney is taken. Yes, again. Yesterday at the Venice Film Festival, George Clooney turned up to the premiere of his new movie with Elisabetta Canalis, his new Italian girlfriend. In a speedboat. Which, to be fair, is about as George Clooney as you can get. Unless he was mixing a cocktail and smugly chortling about how brilliant it is to be him at the same time. Which he probably was.

Anyway, Elisabetta Canalis. Don’t bother memorising it.

You might not realise this, but today is a special day. No, not because it’s the ninth day of the ninth month of the ninth year of the millennium, or because all the Beatles albums are being re-released, but because today we all woke up to a world containing one more woman who Lisa Snowdon probably doesn’t like very much. That’s right – she’s got new competition for her role as the woman who can bang on about once being George Clooney’s girlfriend the most tediously.

And that competition comes in the form of Elisabetta Canalis, who we believe was statistically the only woman left on Earth who hadn’t already been romantically involved with George Clooney in one way or another. George and Elisabetta – who is a model or an actress or a TV presenter or something – were spotted yesterday attending the Venice Film Festival together, as CNN reports:

The day before the premiere of his movie, “Men Who Stare at Goats,” the couple — who landed at Venice’s Lido Nicelli Airfield Monday evening — made a grand arrival at the Venice Film Festival following a water taxi ride across the city’s lagoon, prompting Italian papers to gush over the pair as the next Brad and Angelina.

Now, we’re no experts here, but there’s a pretty good chance that Elisabetta Canalis is going to be in for the long haul. After all, George went to the festival bandaged up after getting caught in a car mishap. And that’s definitely a good thing, because usually it’s his girlfriends that he tries to bugger up in traffic accidents. And if, like with his last relationship, George Clooney starts receiving barmy anonymous voicemails ordering him to “dump that bitch” then at least they’ll be in Italian and therefore quite nice to listen to.

So welcome to the club, Elisabetta. May you enjoy your three weeks of international fame and not be too disheartened when – after you order him to propose to you – he blanches and instantly leaves you for the first vaguely decent-looking waitress he claps eyes on, leaving the rest of the world to mispronounce your name as much as it did before you started going out with him.

Still, at least you’ve probably narked off Lisa Snowdon. That’s something.

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So you played online poker for three hours and won a sum that a Polish minimum wage employee would snort derisively at.

The disappointment you feel could not compare to that of these fine gentlemen of film after learning what the wardrobe department had in store for them. We’ve all had to wear tights for one reason or another in our life, but even the butchest of men struggle to pull off these fashion faux pas.

So kick-starting the list is a man who drinks ugly and craps failure…

5: Mickey Rourke – Iron Man 2

Wearing some sort of contortion device normally found in David Carridine‘s wardrobe, Mickey Rourke seems to be going bondage in next year’s Iron Man 2.

4: Sylvester Stallone – Rocky III

More a tragic reminder of a time when this sort of fitness fashion was acceptable than anything else! Still, Stallone manages to put some camp into the third Rocky film numerous times during the montage as he changes his vest, each time getting smaller and more colourful *shudder*.

Number 3: Sting – Dune

Some valid debate as to whether Sting qualifies as ‘manly’ in the first place. Either way this costume made Sting look like a ginger, bullied, repressed homosexual Gollum.

Number 2: George Clooney – Batman and Robin

We doth my cap to the costume designer on this film – she made Schwarzenegger look like a (Ice) berk but that doesn’t compare to Clooney’s horrific ordeal. Is it cold in the Batsuit? It must be with those razor-sharp nips flying out! Matching codpiece doesn’t help matters, thus turning comic’s most feared Dark Knight into a bigger camp icon than Robin.

Number 1: Sean Connery - Zardoz

It was an obvious choice but the Scotsman has formed a career on his dripping bravado with misogynistic glee. Then came this costume choice from the (thankfully) forgotten Zardoz. Rumours of Connery being incontinent at the time of filming prompting this choice remain unfounded…

Agree? Disagree? Think there is a man more deserved of the crown than these bunch of camp crusaders? Let us know below…

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The reason hecklerspray can never enjoy a tofu-heavy diet is because generally when we eat, blood spurting out of whatever we just bit into is our favorite part.

You can flavour the vegetarian delight with whatever you want, but until it spurts blood we shall remain largely uninterested!

Did you hear that, PETA? We don’t want your stupid tofu! We don’t want it if it’s turkey flavored, or if its beef flavored, or if its flavored to taste exactly like George Clooney‘s sweaty, used gym towel!

The latter, apparently, is genuinely on PETA’s drawing board, even as we speak.

If PETA has its way, then by the time next Thanksgiving rolls around one of the Olsen twins will turn the other into a skinned jacket. Also, come supper time, you and yours will enjoy a hot slab of George Clooney with a side of potatoes – both covered generously in brown water poured from a gravy boat.

What’s that? You’re confused? Well let us elaborate, at least on that second half – PETA recently got their hands on a sweaty towel that Clooney swabbed off with in a gym. Said towel still glistens with the actor’s sweat if you hold it up to the light just so. The beauty is most apparent with the morning’s first rays. That’s what we heard.

And do you know what PETA’s first thought was when they realized such a grand item was in their possession? Apparently – they wanted to know what it tasted like.   As the Washington Post puts it:

“In a letter sent to the actor, Newkirk [PETA's mighty leader] said that PETA has been offered his gym towel… and wants to use his sweat to create Clooney tofu that will “spare animals from being killed for the table.” She went on to explain that the science is pretty simple, like “making artificial chicken flavor for instant gravy.”

“Newkirk, a big fan of Clooney, told us yesterday that the towel was offered by a PETA supporter with the idea of auctioning it off, but she immediately thought of using his perspiration for bean curd: “I thought, ‘What would make tofu more attractive to people?’ … I can see people having parties to try CloFu.”"

So the basic hope then, as far as we understand it, is that if people enjoy the taste of George Clooney enough, they may never go back to eating other meats again. Well that just spells trouble on so many different levels. Think of what pains ol’ George could find himself in if all the chubby women and gays who clip out all of his news articles actually acquired a taste for his salty flesh.

Sounds like a Tivo-worthy ending to a True Hollywood Story.

Reportedly, Clooney would be fine with all this so long as he gets some sort of a producer credit printed on the can. He didn’t say that, what he did say was this:

“As a mammal, I’m offended.”

If the plan moves forward, and hopefully it will, this could lead to a whole line of deliciously themed products. There’s George Clooney-flavored potato chips, George Clooney-flavored jerky, and for the kids – little gummi candies shaped like his woo-woo.

You read that right – we called it a woo-woo.

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