Here’s a drama for the ‘thinking man’.

The type of thinker who spends most of his life in an office cubicle or the business class lounge. If you can bear to watch this trailer then your boredom threshold is astounding. George Clooney stars in this depressing corporate slog as a faceless American bureaucrat doing God knows what and travelling God knows where. God knows who this sort of rubbish would appeal to, but maybe we’re wrong. Maybe some fantastic moral message (or plot) is stapled to the back of a 90-page report or hidden at the bottom of a frothy cafe latte…

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Are you a girl who suffers from a counterfactual over-estimation of your own physical attractiveness? You are?

Then you’d better sit down. George Clooney is taken. Yes, again. Yesterday at the Venice Film Festival, George Clooney turned up to the premiere of his new movie with Elisabetta Canalis, his new Italian girlfriend. In a speedboat. Which, to be fair, is about as George Clooney as you can get. Unless he was mixing a cocktail and smugly chortling about how brilliant it is to be him at the same time. Which he probably was.

Anyway, Elisabetta Canalis. Don’t bother memorising it.

You might not realise this, but today is a special day. No, not because it’s the ninth day of the ninth month of the ninth year of the millennium, or because all the Beatles albums are being re-released, but because today we all woke up to a world containing one more woman who Lisa Snowdon probably doesn’t like very much. That’s right – she’s got new competition for her role as the woman who can bang on about once being George Clooney’s girlfriend the most tediously.

And that competition comes in the form of Elisabetta Canalis, who we believe was statistically the only woman left on Earth who hadn’t already been romantically involved with George Clooney in one way or another. George and Elisabetta – who is a model or an actress or a TV presenter or something – were spotted yesterday attending the Venice Film Festival together, as CNN reports:

The day before the premiere of his movie, “Men Who Stare at Goats,” the couple — who landed at Venice’s Lido Nicelli Airfield Monday evening — made a grand arrival at the Venice Film Festival following a water taxi ride across the city’s lagoon, prompting Italian papers to gush over the pair as the next Brad and Angelina.

Now, we’re no experts here, but there’s a pretty good chance that Elisabetta Canalis is going to be in for the long haul. After all, George went to the festival bandaged up after getting caught in a car mishap. And that’s definitely a good thing, because usually it’s his girlfriends that he tries to bugger up in traffic accidents. And if, like with his last relationship, George Clooney starts receiving barmy anonymous voicemails ordering him to “dump that bitch” then at least they’ll be in Italian and therefore quite nice to listen to.

So welcome to the club, Elisabetta. May you enjoy your three weeks of international fame and not be too disheartened when – after you order him to propose to you – he blanches and instantly leaves you for the first vaguely decent-looking waitress he claps eyes on, leaving the rest of the world to mispronounce your name as much as it did before you started going out with him.

Still, at least you’ve probably narked off Lisa Snowdon. That’s something.

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So you played online poker for three hours and won a sum that a Polish minimum wage employee would snort derisively at.

The disappointment you feel could not compare to that of these fine gentlemen of film after learning what the wardrobe department had in store for them. We’ve all had to wear tights for one reason or another in our life, but even the butchest of men struggle to pull off these fashion faux pas.

So kick-starting the list is a man who drinks ugly and craps failure…

5: Mickey Rourke – Iron Man 2

Wearing some sort of contortion device normally found in David Carridine’s wardrobe, Mickey Rourke seems to be going bondage in next year’s Iron Man 2.

4: Sylvester Stallone – Rocky III

More a tragic reminder of a time when this sort of fitness fashion was acceptable than anything else! Still, Stallone manages to put some camp into the third Rocky film numerous times during the montage as he changes his vest, each time getting smaller and more colourful *shudder*.

Number 3: Sting – Dune

Some valid debate as to whether Sting qualifies as ‘manly’ in the first place. Either way this costume made Sting look like a ginger, bullied, repressed homosexual Gollum.

Number 2: George Clooney – Batman and Robin

We doth my cap to the costume designer on this film – she made Schwarzenegger look like a (Ice) berk but that doesn’t compare to Clooney’s horrific ordeal. Is it cold in the Batsuit? It must be with those razor-sharp nips flying out! Matching codpiece doesn’t help matters, thus turning comic’s most feared Dark Knight into a bigger camp icon than Robin.

Number 1: Sean Connery - Zardoz

It was an obvious choice but the Scotsman has formed a career on his dripping bravado with misogynistic glee. Then came this costume choice from the (thankfully) forgotten Zardoz. Rumours of Connery being incontinent at the time of filming prompting this choice remain unfounded…

Agree? Disagree? Think there is a man more deserved of the crown than these bunch of camp crusaders? Let us know below…

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You can flavour the vegetarian delight with whatever you want, but until it spurts blood we shall remain largely uninterested!

Did you hear that, PETA? We don’t want your stupid tofu! We don’t want it if it’s turkey flavored, or if its beef flavored, or if its flavored to taste exactly like George Clooney’s sweaty, used gym towel!

The latter, apparently, is genuinely on PETA’s drawing board, even as we speak.

If PETA has its way, then by the time next Thanksgiving rolls around one of the Olsen twins will turn the other into a skinned jacket. Also, come supper time, you and yours will enjoy a hot slab of George Clooney with a side of potatoes – both covered generously in brown water poured from a gravy boat.

What’s that? You’re confused? Well let us elaborate, at least on that second half – PETA recently got their hands on a sweaty towel that Clooney swabbed off with in a gym. Said towel still glistens with the actor’s sweat if you hold it up to the light just so. The beauty is most apparent with the morning’s first rays. That’s what we heard.

And do you know what PETA’s first thought was when they realized such a grand item was in their possession? Apparently – they wanted to know what it tasted like.   As the Washington Post puts it:

“In a letter sent to the actor, Newkirk [PETA's mighty leader] said that PETA has been offered his gym towel… and wants to use his sweat to create Clooney tofu that will “spare animals from being killed for the table.” She went on to explain that the science is pretty simple, like “making artificial chicken flavor for instant gravy.”

“Newkirk, a big fan of Clooney, told us yesterday that the towel was offered by a PETA supporter with the idea of auctioning it off, but she immediately thought of using his perspiration for bean curd: “I thought, ‘What would make tofu more attractive to people?’ … I can see people having parties to try CloFu.”"

So the basic hope then, as far as we understand it, is that if people enjoy the taste of George Clooney enough, they may never go back to eating other meats again. Well that just spells trouble on so many different levels. Think of what pains ol’ George could find himself in if all the chubby women and gays who clip out all of his news articles actually acquired a taste for his salty flesh.

Sounds like a Tivo-worthy ending to a True Hollywood Story.

Reportedly, Clooney would be fine with all this so long as he gets some sort of a producer credit printed on the can. He didn’t say that, what he did say was this:

“As a mammal, I’m offended.”

If the plan moves forward, and hopefully it will, this could lead to a whole line of deliciously themed products. There’s George Clooney-flavored potato chips, George Clooney-flavored jerky, and for the kids – little gummi candies shaped like his woo-woo.

You read that right – we called it a woo-woo.

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You see, as we heard it he’s short on cash, and he became so right in the middle of a driveway repaving. That’s when ER execs swooped in with several individually wrapped dollar bills to impress him with.

Last time G. Clooney was in a hospital it was because he was trying to jump his girlfriend with a motorbike or something. He lost control, swerved into several hundred pigs, and then broke all his favourite ribs in the ensuing stampede.

All of our lives would be far more interesting were even a little of that true.

Next time he’s in a hospital, however, it’ll be on his terms. Also the hospital will be far more TV set-ish than an actual hospital – that’s because he’s returning to ER for a super crummy ‘remember when he was here’ episode. If E! Online is to be believed:

“Sources tell E! News that George Clooney will be shooting scenes this week for an upcoming episode of the hit medical series, which is in its 15th and final season on NBC. The network recently ordered up another three episodes of its stalwart Thursday-night drama, raising hopes that nabbing Clooney for a guest spot was one of the reasons for the extension.”

It’ll be interesting to see how they bring Clooney’s character back, seeing as how last time we saw him he was in the bottom of a Transylvanian death-pit thoroughly impaled on several large, wooden stakes.

Wait, is that true? We’ve no idea actually – we tend to remember things far more interesting than they actually were. For instance, did you know Obama ate his twin while still in the womb? Also, Greta Van Susteren once tore the jaws off of two teenage tigers and used them to scale a very tall glass building. It was during sweeps week.

We would have watched that 1000 times over.

Nobody’s quite sure when Clooney’s episodes will air, but we’re sure his mother is sitting eagerly in her barcalounger with a shaky finger hovering over the DVR record button just in case word comes.

If he was our son, we’d probably be doing the same.

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So thank heavens that George Clooney is apparently close to starring in a remake of The Birds. If reports are to be believed then George Clooney is all set to take on the role of Mitch Bremner – the man who doesn’t die and gets away safely at the end of the movie – in next year’s The Birds remake, to probably be directed by Martin Campbell.

Of course, 45 years have passed since the original, so George Clooney’s version will need some updating. For instance, since climate change is such a worry, The Birds remake will be given a more ecological bent. And instead of having birds in it, it’ll be about plants that kill people for no reason. And Mark Wahlberg’s going to star in it. It’ll be excellent, really.

George Clooney has gained such a position of importance in Hollywood lately that he can more or less pick and choose the movies that he wants to be in. That’s why the only films you’ll ever see George Clooney star in are either a) clever pieces of slightly non-commercial social commentary or b) stupid films that reinforce his self-proclaimed Mr Smooth image.

And for the life of us, we can’t work out which one of these categories a remake of The Birds would fall into. According to reports, George Clooney is close to signing on to star in the forthcoming remake of The Birds alongside Naomi Watts.

Naomi Watts we can understand – between King Kong and The Ring and Funny Games, that girl loves pointless remakes so much that she’d probably play everyone in a remake of High School Musical 3 tomorrow if you asked her nicely enough – but George Clooney? Apparently so. Metro reports:

Hollywood legend George Clooney has been tipped to take the lead role in a remake of the classic horror film The Birds. And Rod Taylor, who starred in Alfred Hitchcock’s original 1983 movie, is delighted at the prospect of George taking on the role. Rod told the Daily Express: “I often cringe when I hear mention of remakes but I’ll hold judgement, especially since I’ve been told Clooney’s the favourite.”

We can only pray that George Clooney’s remake of The Birds will be half as good as the 1998 remake of Psycho, but it probably won’t be because Vince Vaughn isn’t going to play all of the birds. Unless he is, in which case we’re in.

Oh, and the bit above where we mentioned the birds going on the attack as revenge for humans messing up the environment? That’s apparently true, keeping within the confines of the law which states that all vaguely nature-based movie remakes must feature humans as the real monsters.

Speaking of which, isn’t it time that someone did a remake of The Perfect Storm where George Clooney enrages the sea by accidentally catching a dolphin in a tuna net? We’d definitely watch that, but only on the proviso that it ended with Clooney getting completely Steve Irwined by an army of swordfish.

However, as the star of lowbrow schlock like One Fine Day, Predator: The Concert and one episode of 1980s detective motorcycle TV show Street Hawk, George Clooney is also a man who probably appreciates having it off with huge-norked softcorn pornstars.

We take that back – George Clooney is definitely a man who appreciates that. If current reports are true, George Clooney has got back together with his old flame Krista Allen, a woman probably best known for her work in the erotic television show Emmanuelle In Space, where Krista Allen taught sex to some aliens by having sex with some aliens. We’re not sure what our point is here, but it’s probably this – well done George Clooney.

George Clooney is a man with several loves. He loves movies for example, and he’s just crazy about endorsing just about every single shitbox consumer product that gets waved under his nose for cash. But most of all, George Clooney loves women.

Or, to be slightly more accurate, George Clooney likes going out with one woman for a year or two, then dumping them, then doing the same with another woman, then another woman, and then going back to the first woman and starting all over again.

Previous Clooney conquests have included Lisa Snowdon off that dancing show and Sara Larson, the woman who George shared the world’s most romantic motorcycle accident last year. But perhaps George Clooney’s biggest love of all was Krista Allen, his girlfriend from 2004 to 2006 most famous for her brave updating of the seminal Emmanuelle softcore erotic movies where she went on a spaceship and had it off with some aliens.

Although Krista Allen knows sadness more than anyone else – she stopped playing Emmanuelle right before it got brilliant and started to be about a scientist who accidentally swaps minds with a cat and starts rubbing her fanny up and down on a bedpost, for example – at least it sounds like her personal life has taken an upswing. According to some reports, Krisa Allen is back together with George Clooney. The New York Daily News reports:

George Clooney may have figured out there’s no girlfriend like an old girlfriend. The bedroom-eyed Oscar winner has quietly circled back to Krista Allen, friends tell us. Throughout, says a friend, “Krista has always been there for him. She admits she just can’t get over him.” And something about Krista brings him back. “George really loves her,” says the source.

If it’s true, it’s so sweet that George Clooney has managed to rekindle his relationship with Krista Allen. Maybe she’ll even be able to provide some intellectual inspiration for his upcoming movies – because God knows his previous films have missed her influence.

Had Krista Allen been around recently, we get the feeling that George’s infamous Syriana torture scene would have been conducted by a sexy alien with big tits, plus we would have seen the release of a George Clooney movie entitled The Good German With Massive Tits Who Has It Off With Some Aliens In Space. We’re heartbroken that this didn’t happen.

Actually, though, this has got us a bit worried. Our last story was about a film director having sex with an actress and, since George and Krista met after George hired her for a part in Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, this one is too.

We swear to God, if our next story happens to be about Michael Winner, we’re genuinely not going to stop vomiting for a month.

That moral code is that it’s ok to enslave good natured American Indians if it’s for the cause of justice, and if the act of doing so helps end low-budget criminal activity in any of its usual forms. This is a lesson that was taught over and over again – first on the radio, then on television.

As Indian sidekick rental prices began to skyrocket, however, it’s a lesson that was soon forgotten. Not for long though – because if recent rumors are to be believed – George Clooney is about to revive the Lone Ranger on the big screen. Some of the brains behind the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise are apparently behind it.

If you mix The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise with the basic theme of the Lone Ranger, most people agree you’d get a film about a giant clam riding a horse everywhere pilgrims are in peril or there’s gold to be hoarded. It really sounds pretty good, actually. We’d at least pay for a matinee ticket.

The clam, of course, would be played by George Clooney – and probably well too. For the purpose of character development, Clooney the Clam would probably have to see his parents torn open by a hungry octopus at a young age. He’d then move to land, and eventually avenge evil on a pretty large scale. Millions of scripts could pour from a set-up like that – but today we’re only concerned with one.

George Clooney is very interested in portraying the Lone Ranger on the silver screen. And why shouldn’t he be? After all, Johnny Depp is already signed on as Tonto. No really, we’re not kidding. The Sun said so:

HOLLYWOOD heart-throb GEORGE CLOONEY is to play the Lone Ranger in a new movie. The Oscar-winner, 47, will appear as the masked crimefighter with fellow star JOHNNY DEPP as the legend’s trusty sidekick Tonto. An insider said last night: “George is very keen — he’s been trying to do a movie with Johnny for a long time. He thinks they’ll make the perfect on-screen partnership.” The film will be written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, who also scripted the three hit Pirates Of The Caribbean films starring Depp, 45.

Now as we understand it, Depp’s not just gonna play Tonto as the gallant sidekick fearlessly riding into danger with his ol’ cowboy chum. No – they’re gonna stick to the more aquatic theme we mentioned earlier. Tonto with be the ghost of an Indian boy who drown under a pile of sunken maize.

If Depp plays this right it could give us valuable insight into the usually hidden aspects of American Indian culture.

We’re all pretty excited.

Well, he probably does still think highly of himself. In fact, there’s no ‘probably’ about it.

Anyway, Georgey apparently doesn’t think enough of himself to advise presidential candidate and Paris Hilton/Britney Spears-alike Barack Obama, despite reports emerging that claimed otherwise.

No, it would seem that George Clooney just thinks he’s better than us ‘normies’, as he may well like to call us, and only feels it prudent to educate (’patronise’) and entertain (’annoy with smug fat face’) the plebians – not those of a better stock, like candidates for the US presidency.

Well doesn’t that just make you feel a whole lot better? Not only is he not trying to influence possible future leaders, but he will still try and talk down to us as much as humanly possible.

But we’ve seen you in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, George – we all know what levels you’ll stoop to, and we simply can’t respect you for it. Take that!

It was reported by the Los Angeles Times on Friday that Clooney “frequently text messages the Illinois senator with whom he’s been friends for many years.”

Granted, if it were true then the texts would probably just amount to daily questions along the lines of: ‘have you bought a hybrid car yet? I have, I’ve bought ten, actually.’, ‘have you installed solar panels on your house yet? I have, I’ve got more than you.’ or ‘do you pay attention to your carbon footprint? I do – I pay loads more attention than you do’.

But George was quick to deny involvement with the senator, issuing a statement through his publicist which read:

“I have never texted or emailed Senator Obama. And I’ll offer a million dollars to anyone who could prove otherwise. In fact, I’ve only talked to the Senator once in the last year and a half….on the phone,”

The topic of conversation during the phonecall wasn’t revealed, but we can speculate it covered one or more of our potential text message topics listed above. It is easier to talk than it is to text, after all, but putting up with the smugtitude of Clooney while having to listen to his voice at the same time is something that most sane people wouldn’t be able to cope with.

This makes hecklerspray think that maybe the call didn’t cover those topics.

The statement did have more words in it, and amazingly they didn’t bother trying to lecture us at any point. It went on:

“I’ve spent more time with Senator McCain (he did my TV show) than I have with Senator Obama.

“I would hope that my friend John McCain would join me in condemning this kind of politics. Although I support Senator Obama I would never be dumb enough to offer policy advice to either candidate. They seem to be doing fine without me.”

There – proof if proof be need be that George Clooney thinks he is better than you, but not some men who pretend to care about their country. The big ruddy smug git.

Reports that Clooney, after issuing the statement, went for a walk and talked to 34 different grown adults as if they were toddlers were unconfirmed at the time of posting this. But we can assume he probably did anyway. While wearing a big UN badge.

By which we, of course, mean acting. Just a few short months after the Hollywood writers strike came bumbling to an end, the two big actor unions are squabbling over whether or not they should go on strike too. And in times as troubled as these a wise, near-biblical hero figure is needed to set everything back on course.

And, with thudding inevitability, that figure is George Clooney. George Clooney has written a letter to both the Screen Actors Guild (which wants to strike) and the American Federation of TV and Radio Artists (which doesn't) proclaiming his clear and ineffably correct opinion on who's right and who's wrong. Turns out he thinks that everyone's right. Nice going George, that could have got nasty.

Oh, for god's sake. All we want to do is watch a new season of 24 – is that too much to ask? Is that too difficult for you Hollywood bigshots to understand? We wanted to see Jack Bauer torturing as many brown people as possible within the space of a day because of an arbitrarily preposterous, rightwing, wildly xenophobic terrorist scare this January, but the writer's strike arsed that up. 

And now it looks as if the actors are going to go on strike as well, potentially scuppering another season. Damn you, actors! At this rate the next time we'll get to watch a new season of 24, three quarters of it will be about Jack Bauer having a lovely nap in front of the television with a blanket over his elderly legs. Damn you!

But, anyway, the actors might be going on strike because… oh, who cares why the actors might be going on strike? They're just actors, after all. But the potential of an actor strike has divided the acting community into those who definitely want to strike and those who probably want to strike. The whole industry's on the brink of a civil war! The Baldwins could be torn asunder! Will nobody think of the Baldwins?

However, one man has made it his duty to unite both SAG and AFTRA. He's a lion of man, a man who can't be hurt by freaky-looking male models or hard slabs of asphalt, a man who can get Danny DeVito hammered and live to tell the tale. That man, as if you needed to be told, is George Clooney.

George Clooney is Hollywood's golden boy. He can make any kind of movie you like – searing political thrillers, smug heist movies, horribly unpopular sports comedies – and so he's absolutely best placed to look down on the squabbling actor's unions and cast forth his opinion. Which he has, in the form of a letter.

So who does George Clooney think is right? The union that wants to strike hard now or the union that wants to negotiate because people are already pissed off that this last season of Lost was slightly shorter than usual? E! Online has the details:

"Both are, of course, right. AFTRA feels that a work stoppage would be devastating to its members and SAG believes that if they don't draw a line in the sand, the studios will repeat what they did with DVDs… I've been very lucky in my career, which has put me in the place that I don't need a union to check on my residuals, or my pension, or protect my 12-hour turnaround."

So George Clooney isn't going to take sides. That's fine, we guess – he's still got involved, and that's what's important. Let's just hope that George Clooney's letter makes a difference, because it's not as if the world is full of wannabe actors who'll take badly-paid non-union jobs just because they'll end up famous, is it?

And, ladies, here’s some good news – George Clooney is single again. If reports are to be believed, George Clooney has split up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson after a year together.

That’s right, the world has a brand new unattainably handsome and charming millionaire for you to beat yourself up over because deep down you know he wouldn’t give you a second glance in a crowded room even if you spent 15 hours making yourself look pretty. Girls, George Clooney is as good as yours! Maybe you won’t always be single and lonely after all!

Relationships break up for all kinds of reasons. There are fiery one-off arguments, creeping mutual resentment, adultery, mysterious anonymous voicemail messages urging you to ‘dump the bitch before you’re sorry’ – the list goes on and on.

That last one, by the way, might be a reason why George Clooney has apparently split up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson. It might not be, of course – that mysterious anonymous voicemail message George Clooney received last month urging him to ‘dump the bitch before you’re sorry’ might have just been a coincidence. Who knows?

All we know is that George Clooney and his long-term girlfriend Sarah Larson are no longer together. Unless they are, but they’re probably not. People reports:

George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson have split up after a year of dating, a source tells PEOPLE. The actor’s rep, Stan Rosenfield, would only say: “We do not comment on George’s personal life.”

This news is bound to come as a profound disappointment to George Clooney, because he’d invested so much more in Sarah Larson than with any of his previous girlfriends. For instance, when George Clooney took the big step of busting up his rib falling off a motorbike, he wanted Larson to be there to smash up her foot with him.

Not just that, but Sarah Larson was the first girlfriend who George Clooney ever took to the Oscars. We can’t imagine why he never took his previous girlfriend Lisa Snowdon to the Oscars, other than the fact that – judging by her role on Britain’s Next Top Model – she looks, acts and dresses like a total embarrassment.

However, that’s all by the by now, because George Clooney and Sarah Larson have split up and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it.

But perhaps you think you have what it takes to be George Clooney’s new girlfriend. If so, you certainly have a hard act to follow – not only was Sarah Larson young and pretty enough to have a bunch of grubby, kind of lesbian photos taken of her in her youth, but she was also a Fear Factor champion.

That last one’s key for any prospective George Clooney girlfriends, by the way – because only being forced to drink a pink of liquidised maggots and congealed cow blood can prepare you for sex with with George Clooney. He’s like 90 years old or something.

All we had to do was pull the string that was attached to our paper-cup earpiece and it lead us straight to Zac Efron’s mom. She was in our living room, even though clearly nobody would have let her in – after all she is a literal cow. It happened just like in Beastmaster, witches and all. Well that is certainly what it says on Zac’s Wikipedia page anyway – third paragraph down.

As we stood there watching Zac Efron’s cow mom scurry back to the field from whence she came, we couldn’t help but wonder how a major star, like say George Clooney, might handle an uncalled-for crank like that.

And the answer there is police involvement.

When George Clooney forced Danny Devito to go onto The View drunk, maybe he thought it’d be good for him. When he bravely almost fought Fabio with nothing but his bare hands and military-like strategy, it was because that too, would have been good for Danny Devito. Somehow.

One thing that is clearly not good for Danny Devito in any way, shape or form though is when Clooney get’s an anonymous voicemail that says:

"Dude, your friends asked me to give you a message: Dump the bitch before you're sorry!"

Ol’ man Devito don’t need that no-how! When Clooney got the message he was pretty mad. He knew it wasn’t a prank from a friend, and he was determined to get to the bottom of it. So he asked his driver to snoop all about it every which way. That's because most cabbies have an untapped skill of evidence gathering. The DMV tests them on that too. Also this particular driver is a well-connected cop who would stop at nothing until justice was served and George wreaked swift vengeance upon this one guy who dared to have a one-way conversation with his phone.

The copper wasn't a help, though, because the number went back to an untraceable pre-paid phone – keep on driving flat-foot! That crank caller ended up getting off scot-free.

Unlike Efron’s mom.

We’re going to tip her tonight.

Read More:

The New Yorker on George Clooney & That Voice Message Telling Him to Dump That Bitch Sarah Larson – The Bosh

Two feet behind him sniggering and pointing? Yes. While watching his fake butter commercials from the comfort and safety of our living room? Naturally. But not to his face, because he’s actually a pretty big dude, and if you get beaten up by Fabio you may as well just fasten a plastic bag over your face right tight because you only have a lifetime of crippling humiliation to look forward to.  

According to an interview in April’s edition of Esquire magazine, actor George Clooney had somewhat of a similar realisation when he had a nasty encounter with Fabio in a restaurant. Well, it's about figgin' time he spoke up about an incident that was barely an incident and everyone had forgotten about. Yeesh! 

Let us set the scene for you: it’s a balmy, humid night. A tall, beefy Italian man bursts through the door of a trendy Los Angeles restaurant on a white stallion, trumpets blaring, his partially unbuttoned white shirt clinging to his sweaty, tan physique. His windswept hair freely flowing in the polluted wind with a breathless beauty cradled in one arm, with the head of a romance novel critic on a sabre raised gallantly in the other. What’s that? No one is paying attention to the triumphant Fabio, oozing of sexual appeal for desperate women?

No, they’re not. The shutters meant for Fabio seem to be catching George Clooney and his girlfriend instead. You know. Someone people actually care about. 

That was roughly the scenario with a light sprinkling of dramatisation when George Clooney and Fabio engaged in a heated argument at a Los Angeles restaurant back in November. According to next month’s issue of Esquire magazine, the men were arguing because some of Fabio’s guests were taking pictures of George Clooney and his date. There were reports also at the time that George had called one of Fabio's guests a 'fat cow', and the two men apparently exchanged words. Not just any words, but angry words. Apparently, the men had to be physically separated.  

We’re not sure if the problem was that George didn’t like his privacy being violated, or if Fabio thought George was calling him a fat cow, but either way the argument may have erupted into an impromptu Celebrity Boxing match had not George Clooney taken what was probably a drunken moment to think about the consequences. Apparently, Fabio has said that he could take George Clooney in a fight. George Clooney shares his thoughts with us all about this in the Esquire interview: 

"Yeah, that's probably true. He's a big guy. There is a moment when you are actually in the argument and you're thinking, 'If I do get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain.’ I wouldn't shake that."  

No, Georgie, you wouldn’t. You’re already trying to shake the nasty residue of the Ocean’s Eleven sequels. You’ve got too much on your plate to add a Fabio arse whooping.

Read more: 

Clooney: I'm not 'gay, gay, gay,' just 'gay, gay' - Chicago Sun Times

George Clooney has just been named as the UN's latest 'messenger of peace', where he's pledged in particular to use his fame to highlight the humanitarian snafu in Darfur. But why George Clooney?

It's obvious – George Clooney will be a good UN messenger of peace because he was once in a film called The Peacemaker, something that stands him in good stead to also become a UN messenger for slick Las Vegas heists and a UN messenger for rubber-nippled superheroes.

Although he's such a consummate moviestar that he'll even fall off a motorbike to draw attention to his films – and such a consummate salesman that the only products he hasn't appeared in adverts for are sanitary towels, weaponised nerve gas and Cillit BANG! – George Clooney is also a bloody brilliant humanitarian.

You see, it's not just enough for George Clooney to make a high-minded, barely-watched political thriller and just assume that it'll change the world. George Clooney also like to roll up his sleeves and and get his hands dirty, too. In the past George Clooney has spoken out about the war in Iraq, spoken out about corrupt lobbyists in the form of awful masturbation jokes, and spoken out about the atrocities committed when people try to take pictures of him too often. 

But mainly there's Darfur. George Clooney has been a long-time opponent of the widespread humanitarian crisis in Darfur, writing letters to politicians, making films and becoming involved with charitable organisations to try and force a change in the region.

And now George Clooney has been enrolled as a UN messenger of peace, so you can pretty much guarantee that that's all he'll ever talk about from now on. Reuters reports:

Academy Award winning U.S. actor George Clooney became a U.N. messenger of peace on Thursday, pledging to use his fame to "shine a light" on peacekeeping efforts, particularly in Sudan's Darfur… Clooney delivered the message to a news conference. "Millions are homeless, not from famine or disease or acts of God, but from a well armed militia intent on ridding the land of its people… It seems as if at times celebrity can bring that focus. It can't make the policies, it can't change people's minds really, but you can bring a camera where you go because they'll follow you and you can shine a light on it. That seems to be my job." 

Plus you get the best seats in restaurants and people send you free clothes and women want to have sex with you if you're a celebrity. But mainly the Darfur thing.

Of course, George Clooney isn't the first famous face to become a UN envoy. Geri Halliwell has also been there – you'll remember that she single-handedly stopped the spread of HIV in Africa by hosting screenings of her It's Raining Men video to put people off ever having sex again – and also Angelina Jolie is heavily involved in the UN.

In fact, wait. UN involvement? Weird closeness to Brad Pitt? Why, it's been so obvious – George Clooney wants to be Angelina Jolie. What next? Will George Clooney black his face up for his next role? Will he start adopting babies like he's on a trolley-dash? Will he make Jennifer Aniston cry?

Fingers crossed for all three. 

Read more:

George Clooney aims to shine celebrity light on UN – Reuters 

Randy T was recently handed the title 'King of Sex' by Rolling Stone magazine in exchange for backstage tickets to see him in action. Timberlake told Barbara Walters on her 10 Most Fascinating People special that he will defend his title to the death. Clooney and Pitt have taken this challenge seriously and arranged for a no-holds barred celebrity battle royale. Each of them will take it in turn to beat off as many men as possible to preserve the sanctity of their ring. The celebrity will the longest staying power will receive the coveted 'King of Sex' title belt. 
However, it seems that the princess of pop may have a few tricks up his ludicrously expensive designer sleeves, proclaiming to the world (via Walters):

"I'll hold onto that title for as long as I can. Brad, George, you guys may be on the most beautiful whatever, but I'll eat your hearts out!"

Justin Timberlake's previously unknown cannibalistic tendencies may just get the drop on his opponents. It is believed that Timberlake learnt this heart-eating technique on a recent visit to Papua in Indonesia. A spokesman from the Korowai tribe commented that by eating part of their victims, the cannibal gains their abilities. It seems Timberlake hopes to acquire the very features which have made his rivals so desirable, Clooney's silvery mop and Pitt's well defined groin. Rumours have also been circulating that the German Cannibal Armin Meiwes will be granted a temporary release from prison and fly over to Vegas to act as referee.

However, with Clooney's medical experience and Pitt's face-crushing Fight Club skills, Timberlake will by no means be ensured an easy victory. We can only hope all three suffer several facial damage, if this is the case the title will be automatically given to John C. Reilly. Let battle commence.

Read more:

Justin Timberlake: I'm Hotter Than Brad Pitt, George Clooney - Transworld News

[story by Philip R. Barry]