In the beginning, Big Brother was a crazy experiment which for once didn’t involve cutting people open or giving them drugs which would result in the growth of an extra eye. Instead, it was set to monitor the results of living in a controlled human environment. Or as most viewers interpreted it, a chance to maybe see some people have sex. But as time has gone on, the experimental phase has vanished and contestants have used Big Brother as a platform to launch a career. None are ever successful and, brilliantly for us, we get to see them crash and burn.

It’s now the turn of Chanelle Hayes.

The ninth series of Big Brother is due to hit the UK in a couple of weeks, which only means we will be in store for more tantrums, bitching, crap romances which will end six months after the show finishes, swearing, potentially racist comments and someone to become the new national idiot.

Every year, one of the contestants annoyingly lingers around like a bad fart once the show has ended. Unfortunately for us, it’s Chanelle Hayes, a woman who still seems like the hideous creation of someone determined to show us the opposite of how humans should act and behave around around others.

Jesus, was she an annoying cow. Listening to a car alarm for half an hour or shitting glass seemed more appealing that sitting through her endless tyrant of squeaks, moans and arguments with anyone who’d listen.

Amazingly, Chanelle was somehow signed by a talent agency. Not because she had any talent or credibility, but because if she took her clothes off, opened her mouth and looked vaguely seductive, blokes could imagine she was about to give them a blowjob.

After modelling and destroying TV shows, Chanelle has now turned her hand to singing. Of course, it’s absolute bollocks and Chanelle is the only one deluded enough to believe that it will actually sell. Because everyone suddenly likes dance music, this is genre that she’s gone and destroyed. Her single I Want It is a bland slab of Balearic house which hasn’t exactly had leading DJs queuing up in order to play it.

But let’s give Chanelle some credit. Because she knows it’ll bomb, she’s said:

“I’ve spent time in the recording studio and I’ve got all these songs for an album so if the single is a success then I’ll do an album. But if it’s not then I won’t inflict any more pain on you all!”

Good, she’s soon to be gone when her single crash lands in at number 178. However it’s not all good news. With a new series of Big Brother on the way, we can only guess that’ll they’ll be another gaggle of plebs emerging who’ll want to launch a dream singing career.

So more than likely we’ll run the same story next year and just replace ‘Chanelle Hayes’ with some other idiot. You’ll never notice.

Read more:

Chanelle: I’ll Quit If Single Is A Flop - Digital Spy

The idea seemed like a rating winner at first. Get one of the most high profile pop stars of the moment to front an inane and unchallenging chatfest with some equally dim celebrity mates.

Then? Then came the studio recording, and the point at which things didn't so much go downhill as start tunnelling to the centre of the Earth like that weird drill-vehicle from The Core. And – after disappointing the live audience so much that a good percentage of them walked out – Lily has now seen this failure to engage reflected in the broadcast arena.

Only two percent of the potential audience tuned in to see Lily wheel out her cockernee accent and prance around before the cameras on Tuesday night, and it's not known how many of them actually enjoyed the sight of something approximating a Primrose Hill primary school child auditioning for Oliver.

Of course, the obvious reason for such a disaster would be that people thought the show would be roughly as entertaining as snorting ground-up fibreglass. But let's give the Lilster a chance – maybe that wasn't the only factor for the failure. It's entirely possible that the BBC 3 audience – confronted with something that wasn't an episode of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps – found themselves so bewildered that they had to immediately turn over before their skulls exploded.

Besides – broadcasting this on a Tuesday? Like, duh. Are you totally unaware of Lily Allen's target demographic? Don't you know it's their weekly How To Pretend To Be 'Street' When You're Actually A Privately-Educated Twat class over in Highgate? You really should come along next time – Tarquin's really developed that Brixton twang, and Isabel's new dreadlocks are just totally awesome.  

Whatever the reason, the BBC has put on a brave face on this whole fiasco and called it a 'solid start'. Nevertheless, one can't really help but feel that poor old Lily won't be getting a second series. Man oh man – she must be really worried about her future in the industry. After all, it's not as though she has a famous television personality father and film producer mother with which to continually leech undeserved exposure and opportunities off, is it?

Oh.

Read More:

Allen's TV Show Flops - Yahoo