Here?s some advice. Fashion yourself a miniature love nest in your room, masturbate wrathfully for the next four days, then click the following link.
This link right here.
Yes, that’s right.You physically cannot produce enough paranoia and semen to replicate this video, can you? Well, seeing as you’re all loved out – it is all here, spread out in the This Morning studio. And apparently Ruth Langford?s preferred choice of hair mousse. Whatever. Chantelle Houghton and Alex Reid were never meant to be a couple. This is just a Closer magazine work experience girl typing a caption wrong. This is why communism was ultimately an unsuccessful idea. Most importantly, this is why Katie Price should stop marrying male prostitutes.
If you are currently unable to watch the video due to voluntary paralysis, here are a few choice quotes from one the most loveless pieces of television we have ever seen since that BBC sitcom where Jasper Carrot fathered a wheelchair-bound mute.
Chantelle Houghton on why she loves her new boyfriend Alex Reid
?When he walks into a room he is literally like a hurricane.?
Alex Reid on the tragedy of falling in love with a celebrity
?Why didn't I just date a girl from the library? You know??
Alex Reid on battling Atypical Depression
“My heart was a bit broken back then. But erm, she’s mended it.”
And not forgetting
?We share a lot of common experiences. Like Big Brother. And marriage.?
And to think we thought they were just rutting for money.
However, as Eamonn and his dried up cavern of a wife very helpfully point out – due to this dramatic amalgamating of two of the major power forces of British culture, there is unfortunately a risk of running into a bit of completely unwanted?paparazzi attention.
But never fear, because Alex has found a way of turning this horrific situation into a great thing, judging by his Twitter page from yesterday, where he gallantly posted how ?Soliders are dying in Afghanistan, but where is our freedom?? – 36 times. Hero much?
This really puts into perspective that time Denise Van Outen used her Twitter account to call Natalie Cassidy a terrible mother, doesn’t it?
So, on this one occasion, it really has been made clear, that sometimes love can just be about the stolen moments between two lost souls at a TV Quick Awards after-brothel. So put that in your cynical pipe and enjoy your cynical cancer, cynics.
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