That's what I'm all about now. Giving something back. You may have seen my new show on ITV2, that I don't like to talk about, Here 2 Help? That's all about me giving something back as well, to people who are so pathetic and downtrodden that just me giving them one of my special Pandre hugs and lobbing half a ballad at them makes them rise up and walk like Lazarus.
But I don’t like to talk about that show, that’s on every other hour on ITV2. Or talk about how much I love my kids, because I really love my kids. I just want to give some more things back… like tell you how to get a woman to date you!
Yeah, even you, sadsack with the flabby man-tits and the suspicious downstairs itch and 14 different tabs all open on RedTube!
Just follow the patented method I invented which I used to get my big strong Aussie hands on Stacey Solomon, outlined in the Sunday red-tops after I rang myself and left precise instructions on my own voicemail just so I wouldn’t forget or something, and you’ll be swatting them off faster than you can count to the highest chart position of Insania (3, but I don’t like to talk about it).
First, pick your target. If you’re too busy being on TV (Here 2 Help, ITV2, on right now unless American Idol’s on) or loving your kids to find someone yourself, just get your management company to open this week’s copy of Heat at random and point to the first female under 50 that they see. That’s the girl for you, guy!
Unless it’s Stacey Solomon, because she’s mine, and if you go near her, I’ll cut you, no matter how much I love my kids.
Second, play it cool. Just casually announce in an interview or two that you think Stacey Solomon is amazing, and you really want to take Stacey Solomon to Bella Pasta and treat her real nice, and make sure you write in your trashy magazine column about how your life is no more than a pointless dive into a screaming abyss of depression and loneliness because Stacey Solomon is not by your side. Remember: girls love being complimented, and the more deranged the fashion, the better!
Third, why not invite her to your kid’s birthday party? (Wow, don’t you love your kids? I know I do, but I don’t like to talk about it) Because nothing says sexy like licking icing from a Finding Nemo cake off your fingers and pointing your crotch at Stacey Solomon while she glumly clings to her boyfriend and tries to hide from the TV cameras from your reality show to the soundtrack of 100 ignored and hyperactive kids pinning down a bedraggled and underpaid clown and kicking his face apart! (Yeah, don’t worry if she has a boyfriend, mate. Boyfriend isn’t in Peter Andre’s dictionary. I had to cross it out so I could write “giving” in there twice.)
And lastly, the killer blow. Bombard her with texts and phone calls and beg her for a date. Don’t take “I don’t want to come to your child’s birthday party”, “I’m engaged to someone else” and “If you contact me again I’m calling the police” for an answer. Desperation smells even more potent than my latest album, Accelerate, drenched in Lynx Africa!
That’s it. Easy! Good luck, mate. It’s definitely going to work for me. Watch out for my new series, “Pe-tacey: Jungle Loving” starting next month on ITV2!
Note for lawyers: this article was shoved under the door of the hecklerspray bedsit and was almost certainly not written by Peter Andre. We don’t think he’s got any crayons in that colour.