Posts tagged as:

father

Lindsay Lohan’s Dad: “Lindsay’s A Lesbian Now? Cool”

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Lindsay Lohan’s had her tongue surgically grafted to the inside of Smantha Ronson’s ear, nobody seems too sure about how much of a lesbian she is.

But if anyone’s going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan’s new sapphic endeavours, it’s bound to be Michael Lohan – Lindsay’s born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan – is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis?

What’s that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you’re backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you’re trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you’re yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn’t help at all. Sheesh.

Now that Lindsay Lohan's had her tongue surgically grafted to the inside of Smantha Ronson's ear, nobody seems too sure about how much of a lesbian she is. But if anyone's going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan's new sapphic endeavours, it's bound to be Michael Lohan - Lindsay's born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan - is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis? What's that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you're backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you're trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you're yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn't help at all. Sheesh.
2 comments Read more >>>

Amy Winehouse’s Dad Wants Her Locked Up In A Mental Home

by Paul Sorrenti

Mitch Winehouse, father of beehived-bandit Amy, has told the News of the World that he wants his daughter to be sectioned.

Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail.

What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much?

Love?

And by ‘mental’ hospital, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospital was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter.

We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.

0 comments Read more >>>

Cameron Diaz Loses Father & Boyfriend In Same Week

by Paul Sorrenti

It has been a truly rubbish week to be Cameron Diaz.

First her father, Emilio, dies ‘suddenly’ of pneumonia at 58 years young; a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler. Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left us to mourn here alone, and as we cry away a river of pain the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity whore.

Fucking Men!

10 comments Read more >>>

Lindsay Lohan: ‘Daddy, Please Shut The Hell Up’

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and – thank almighty Christ – this time we aren’t talking about the tether which futilely battles each day to keep her knickers together.

This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act.

Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind, for she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said:

I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ – I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex.

No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:

Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and - thank almighty Christ - this time we aren’t talking about the tether which futilely battles each day to keep her knickers together. This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act. Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind, for she is proper fed up with him chatting shit about her to the press, and has told The Billy Bush Show all about it. Lindsay said: I wish my dad would stop talking about me in public. It is so obvious he’s just jealous, you know? He sees my tits and thinks ‘I wish I had them for myself’ - I’m like pretty sure Freud alludes to it in his writings on the Oedipus complex. No, of course she didn’t, what she actually said was this:
0 comments Read more >>>

Keith Richards: I Really DID Snort Dad’s Ashes Up My Hooter

by hecklerspray staff

It’s a predicament we’ve all faced, really.

You bring a newly-cremated loved one home and open up the urn, only to have some of the ashes spew onto the table. Dang it all. Now you have to go to the trouble of carefully sweeping the ashy vestiges of your great granny back in there using your pinky. Unless you’re Keith Richards. If you’re Keith Richards you daub up those ashes on your pinky and stick it up your nose hole and snort like you’ve never snorted before.

For reals this time, guys. This time he says he really did it for reals.

1 comment Read more >>>

Kerry Katona: Cheap Publicity Stunt No. 6,326,657

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray has often wondered: when Greek divine being Lauis fathered Oedipus, did he look into the eyes of his child and realise what tragic moral carnage the youngster would one day imprint upon ensuing centuries of mythology and popular culture?

Oh, alright, then. You got us. We don’t wonder about that at all. What we do often question, though, is a dilemma along similar lines: when the father of ex-Atomic Kitten ‘singer’ Kerry Katona heard that he had sired a daughter, did he in any way suspect that she would grow up to be a despicable, Lambrini-for-brains halfwit who would gladly drink a pint of diarrhoea if it guaranteed her ten minutes of televisual exposure?

We may well find out soon. Bus driver John Dowd has announced to the world that he believes himself to be Kerry’s daddy. Apparently – much like a self-imposed Nuremberg trial – he’s all too willing to come forward and take responsibility for the results. The horrible, horrible results.

Hecklerspray has often wondered: when Greek divine being Lauis fathered Oedipus, did he look into the eyes of his child and realise what tragic moral carnage the youngster would one day imprint upon ensuing centuries of mythology and popular culture? Oh, alright, then. You got us. We don't wonder about that at all. What we do often question, though, is a dilemma along similar lines: when the father of ex-Atomic Kitten 'singer' Kerry Katona heard that he had sired a daughter, did he in any way suspect that she would grow up to be a despicable, Lambrini-for-brains halfwit who would gladly drink a pint of diarrhoea if it guaranteed her ten minutes of televisual exposure? We may well find out soon. Bus driver John Dowd has announced to the world that he believes himself to be Kerry's daddy. Apparently - much like a self-imposed Nuremberg trial - he's all too willing to come forward and take responsibility for the results. The horrible, horrible results.
1 comment Read more >>>

Michael Lohan: ‘Look At Lindsay Lohan’s Naked Boobs? Bleurgh, No!’

by Stuart Heritage

With the world still carping on about Lindsay Lohan’s naked photoshoot as if it’d never seen a set of blazing red pubes before, it’s nice to hear the occasional voice of dissent.

And that voice of dissent happens to come from Lindsay Lohan’s Dad. Michael Lohan is steadfastly refusing to look at the naked Lindsay Lohan spread out of a sense of vague disgust, you see.

Not disgust that his daughter has become nothing more than a cheap sexual commodity, though – Michael Lohan is annoyed that Lindsay Lohan’s naked photoshoot has stepped on the toes of his own naked photoshoot; the forthcoming Michael Lohan Presents Anna Nicole Smith, We Hardly Knew Ye for Total Sudoku magazine.

6 comments Read more >>>

Jennifer Lopez Has Two Big-Arsed Babies On The Way

by Stuart Heritage

As Jennifer Lopez is so fond of reminding us, she used to have a little now she got a lot – but it seems that she was discussing the contents of her over-stuffed womb all along.

That’s because Jennifer Lopez isn’t just pregnant, but pregnant with twins. David Lopez broke the news of Jennifer Lopez’s impending twins during an interview on a Spanish-language TV show.

Although let’s not forget that the Spanish word for ‘twins’ and the Spanish word for ‘underwhelming singing voice’ are very similar, so there’s a good chance that David Lopez was merely providing a randomly-timed, somewhat harsh critique of Jennifer Lopez’s performance style for the Spanish-speaking community.

3 comments Read more >>>

Britney Spears To Spend 14 Days In Padded Room

by Stuart Heritage

Five years ago, the thought of Britney Spears getting tied to a bed with leather straps would cause widespread teenage drooling.

Not so much now, though, because if Britney Spears is going to be tied to a bed with leather straps, it’s because Britney’s bipolar disorder has got so out of hand that she’s a danger to herself and others.

It’s been confirmed that Britney Spears will spend the next two weeks in her padded room at the UCLA Medical Centre. And as well as the leather restraints, there’s also a chance that Britney Spears could be force-fed medication if she’s not cooperative. It’s just like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, only a version that everyone got sick of about two minutes in after seeing Jack Nicholson get out of a car with no knickers on for the tenth time.

2 comments Read more >>>

That Bloke From Sex And The City Has A Baby

by Stuart Heritage

You know that bloke from Sex And The City? No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. The other one. Him, yes. Well, he’s just had a baby.

Chris Noth, the man who played Mr Big in the Sex And The City TV show, has become a father at the ripe old age of 53. It’s unknown what effect Chris Noth’s new baby will have on the production of the forthcoming Sex And The City movie, but insiders are hoping that it will postpone the film indefinitely, demolish the set and burn down Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair.

Oh, OK, not insiders. Us.

0 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →