It’s a predicament we’ve all faced, really.

You bring a newly-cremated loved one home and open up the urn, only to have some of the ashes spew onto the table. Dang it all. Now you have to go to the trouble of carefully sweeping the ashy vestiges of your great granny back in there using your pinky. Unless you’re Keith Richards. If you’re Keith Richards you daub up those ashes on your pinky and stick it up your nose hole and snort like you’ve never snorted before.

For reals this time, guys. This time he says he really did it for reals.

Hecklerspray has often wondered: when Greek divine being Lauis fathered Oedipus, did he look into the eyes of his child and realise what tragic moral carnage the youngster would one day imprint upon ensuing centuries of mythology and popular culture?

Oh, alright, then. You got us. We don't wonder about that at all. What we do often question, though, is a dilemma along similar lines: when the father of ex-Atomic Kitten 'singer' Kerry Katona heard that he had sired a daughter, did he in any way suspect that she would grow up to be a despicable, Lambrini-for-brains halfwit who would gladly drink a pint of diarrhoea if it guaranteed her ten minutes of televisual exposure?

We may well find out soon. Bus driver John Dowd has announced to the world that he believes himself to be Kerry's daddy. Apparently - much like a self-imposed Nuremberg trial - he's all too willing to come forward and take responsibility for the results. The horrible, horrible results.

With the world still carping on about Lindsay Lohan's naked photoshoot as if it'd never seen a set of blazing red pubes before, it's nice to hear the occasional voice of dissent.

And that voice of dissent happens to come from Lindsay Lohan's Dad. Michael Lohan is steadfastly refusing to look at the naked Lindsay Lohan spread out of a sense of vague disgust, you see.

Not disgust that his daughter has become nothing more than a cheap sexual commodity, though - Michael Lohan is annoyed that Lindsay Lohan's naked photoshoot has stepped on the toes of his own naked photoshoot; the forthcoming Michael Lohan Presents Anna Nicole Smith, We Hardly Knew Ye for Total Sudoku magazine.

As Jennifer Lopez is so fond of reminding us, she used to have a little now she got a lot - but it seems that she was discussing the contents of her over-stuffed womb all along.

That's because Jennifer Lopez isn't just pregnant, but pregnant with twins. David Lopez broke the news of Jennifer Lopez's impending twins during an interview on a Spanish-language TV show.

Although let's not forget that the Spanish word for 'twins' and the Spanish word for 'underwhelming singing voice' are very similar, so there's a good chance that David Lopez was merely providing a randomly-timed, somewhat harsh critique of Jennifer Lopez's performance style for the Spanish-speaking community.

Five years ago, the thought of Britney Spears getting tied to a bed with leather straps would cause widespread teenage drooling.

Not so much now, though, because if Britney Spears is going to be tied to a bed with leather straps, it's because Britney's bipolar disorder has got so out of hand that she's a danger to herself and others.

It's been confirmed that Britney Spears will spend the next two weeks in her padded room at the UCLA Medical Centre. And as well as the leather restraints, there's also a chance that Britney Spears could be force-fed medication if she's not cooperative. It's just like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, only a version that everyone got sick of about two minutes in after seeing Jack Nicholson get out of a car with no knickers on for the tenth time.

You know that bloke from Sex And The City? No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. The other one. Him, yes. Well, he's just had a baby.

Chris Noth, the man who played Mr Big in the Sex And The City TV show, has become a father at the ripe old age of 53. It's unknown what effect Chris Noth's new baby will have on the production of the forthcoming Sex And The City movie, but insiders are hoping that it will postpone the film indefinitely, demolish the set and burn down Sarah Jessica Parker's hair.

Oh, OK, not insiders. Us.

hecklerspray was horribly stuck once in the middle of a swirling gaggle of wing-flapping Canadian geese. It was terrible - all the squawking, all the honking, all the pinching us with feathers - terrible we tell you!

When they finally flew away we were stranded two states to the south from where we were when it started with only a tattered Italian motorcycle jacket and some wing-shaped facial bruises. Our subliminal self-defence mechanism has helped us block out a lot of what happened - but three weeks later we laid a freaking egg. We're just saying.

Because of this experience we can kind of but not really relate to how DMX must have felt after some woman raped him while he was only trying to sleep with a window-breeze regulating the temperature of his exposed man-parts. We can't totally relate, mind you, because a judge never summarily called our account fictitious and then awarded all those geese something like a million and a half dollars.

But aside from that we know exactly what the man's going through.  

If Jamie Lynn Spears' life was an episode of Maury - which it isn't, yet - it'd probably be called I'm A Pregnant Teenager And My Boyfriend Cheated On Me Even Though I Don't Know If He's The Father Or Not Yet.

Because, keen to make sure she lives up to the staggering level of personal ineptitude that her big sister is so fond of, Jamie Lynn Spears is determined to make her pregnancy one of the worst stage-managed in all of history. We've already had the outrage about Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant at 16, then the outrage about statutory rape, and now it's time for some fresh outrage, this time about the way that Jamie Lynn Spears' boyfriend Casey Aldridge is a 'lying cheating dog' who can't stop getting other girls pregnant. Not enough for you? OK, well what about Jamie Lynn Spears not knowing if Casey Aldridge is actually the father of her baby anyway? Better? Thought so.