Remember Gareth Gates? Of course you do, he was the prickle-headed stutterer who couldn't quite win Pop Idol six years ago and was punished for his failure by being forced to have it off with Jordan.

But those frightful Jordan-humping days are over, because it's been announced that Gareth Gates is getting married. Apparently Gareth Gates proposed to his girlfriend Suzanne Mole on New Year's Eve and she said yes. Reaction to the Gareth Gates/ Suzanne Mole wedding has been split equally between Gareth's two remaining fans, with one of them expressing their best wishes to the couple and the other one stabbing their large Gareth Gates thigh-tattoo over and over with a maths compass screaming "It should have been me! Why can't it be me!" But we're sure Gareth's mum will come round to the fact after her thigh stops bleeding.

Sorry boys, Jennifer Love Hewitt has just got engaged - so the closest you'll ever get to an intimate moment with Jennifer Love Hewitt will remain that time you furtively licked her ear on the DVD cover of Garfield: A Tail Of Two Kitties.

But who is this awful monster who, by getting engaged to Jennifer Love Hewitt, has wrecked your dreams of running your hands through Jennifer Love Hewitt's hair while riding pretty horses together in a rainbow-dappled meadow? Why none other than completely unknown Scottish actor Ross McCall. Still, the least we can do is congratulate Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall on their engagement. Well, that and fear the day that their offspring is born, because if the genes of the woman from Jackie Chan's worst movie and the man from one episode of Pie In The Sky can't combine to create the world's most powerful super-villain, we don't know what can.