Posts tagged as:

Engaged

Jessica Simpson May Have Bought Her Own $100,000 Engagement Ring

by Amy Grindhouse

To be clear, while this rumour makes Jessica Simpson look like a cat lady desperate to keep a boyfriend of six months, this story is regarding $100,000 more than any of the hecklerspray gang have. That includes our pocket money, paper rounds, and the weekly tin of beans we get paid to entertain you good [...]

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Jessica Simpson Is Getting Married Again Just Because Her Ex Is Getting Married

by Mof Gimmers

Do you know who Jessica Simpson is? There’s a chance you’ve had a guilty orgasm over her with your palm after seeing her in one of her revealing outfits. Just because you puked on yourself during your onanistic bout doesn’t get you off the hook. You’re still a weirdo for jacking off over someone who [...]

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Russell Brand & Katy Perry Not Doomed, Get Pre-Marriage Counseling

by Shawn Lindseth

A good sign for an impending marriage is that it’s not a California gay one. Those types of marriages never make it, possibly because of the lawyers and what-not. As far as non-California, non-gay marriages go though, Katy Perry & Russell Brand will probably have a great one. After all – they share a barber, [...]

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Gisele Gets Engaged To Presumably Very Smug Man

by Stuart Heritage

Nothing makes us feel fuzzier than when two attractive, successful millionaires rub their happiness in our faces.

So you won’t be able to imagine how fuzzy we feel now we’ve learnt that supermodel Gisele Bundchen, a woman so far out of our league that we barely qualify as the same species as her, has got engaged to Tom Brady – a professional athlete who could undoubtedly beat us in a fight even if we were armed and he wasn’t.

Congratulations to Tom and Gisele, then – may your children be just as attractive as you but somehow take their intellect from a better-equipped third party.

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Alyssa Milano Gets Engaged To Some Bloke On Purpose

by Stuart Heritage

There’s nothing more heartwarming than when actresses who we forgot even existed get engaged to anonymous men, is there?

That’s why we’re so over the moon for Alyssa Milano. According to reports, Alyssa Milano has got engaged to David Bugliari, a man who – as proved by at least one piece of photographic evidence – sometimes wears a tie and stuff.

Actually David Bugliari is an agent at the Creative Arts Agency, so hopefully his engagement to Alyssa Milano will spark off a career renaissance that takes Alyssa back to her glory years. That’s right: we’re talking Poison Ivy II: II here.

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Katy Perry No Longer Kissing That One Specific Boy

by Stuart Heritage

Although we suspect that fans of Katy Perry and Gym Class Heroes are already great at coping with disappointment, they probably should brace themselves anyway.

You see Katy Perry and her Gym Class Hero boyfriend Travis McCoy have apparently split up, just weeks after they apparently got engaged. It’s all very sad and, as yet, nobody knows who’ll take custody of their one good song.

The split seems to have hit Travis McCoy particularly hard, as his recent angry blog entries have proved. Honestly, what sort of pathetic loser sits around all day filling theinternet with vicious hatred? Oh.

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Sorry Girls, Katy Perry Is Engaged

by Stuart Heritage

Credit where credit’s due – for a one-hit wonder, Katy Perry’s awfully good at staying in the news, isn’t she?

This time, Katy Perry has managed to sneak back into the headlines for possibly getting engaged to her boyfriend Travis McCoy. Possibly, you understand – nobody knows for sure, making them the Jay-Z and Beyonce that nobody gives a stuff about.

Strangely, this engagement coincides with that Katy Perry pop video that’s all about her wedding, showing the extent that Katy Perry pop videos canforetell the future. So fingers crossed that her next video involves her retiring from music while she’s still got some dignity left.

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Now Kendra Wilkinson Breaks Hugh Hefner’s Mangy Old Heart

by Stuart Heritage

Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends are fleeing at an amazing rate – it’s almost as if withered octogenarians aren’t sexy any more, isn’t it.

First Hugh Hefner’s heart was broken by the loss of his number one girlfriend Holly Madison, who made the somewhat perplexing decision to run off with a rubbish emo magician. And now one of his other girlfriends – the equally generic titty model Kendra Wilkinson – has decided to leave Hugh Hefner and get engaged to an American football player as well.

Although Hugh Hefner seems to remain on good terms with Kendra Wilkinson, this news must have nevertheless bruised him quite badly. After all, it’s hardly as if Hugh Hefner lives in a great big house stuffed full of identical booby halfwits all willing to have gruesome, underwhelming sex with a frail 82-year-man just because they’ll probably get a minor role on a crappy reality TV show out of it, is it? Oh.

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Eddie Van Halen Gets Engaged To Woman Who Doesn’t Seem To Mind He’s Mostly Decomposing

by Shawn Lindseth

If you’re a somewhat famous person who hasn’t really gotten it together in years – what you need is a good publicist. Seriously – a good publicist can do wonders for your career. They’ll get your name on marquees, they’ll make the masses forget you’re ugly and dumb, and dang it all, they’ll even marry [...]

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Jennifer Hudson In ‘Gets Engaged To Bloke’ Shock

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Hudson’s a wildcat, isn’t she. For instance, remember that time she got drunk, punched a bear in the face and then skateboarded down the Eiffel Tower?

You don’t? Well, that’s because it never happened. Jennifer Hudson isn’t a wildcat at all. Jennifer Hudson is a bit boring. In fact, it’s impossible to make Jennifer Hudson interesting. Jennifer Hudson wouldn’t even be interesting if she sneezed fireworks and farted mice.

Having said that, Jennifer Hudson has just announced her engagement to David Otunga, who’s apparently a man of some sort. And, let’s be fair, that is interesting, provided that a) you know who David Otunga is, b) you care enough about Jennifer Hudson to invest in her personal life and c) you’re a gormless dumdum of the absolute highest order.

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