The year is 2011AD and no-one has quite managed to work out what the point of Fearne Cotton is. Even her BBC bosses think she’s useless, but they persist in hiring her under the misguided notion that she appeals to Ver Yoof of Britain.
Even they hate her.
Still, at least Fearne has someone to go home to who will hold her and love her when all around are loudly booing and hissing at her, right? Wrong. That’s because she’s now as single as can be after it was announced that she’s split from her fianc? Jesse Jenkins. Presumably, he’s only just started to hear what people have actually been saying about his entirely hopeless ex.
That’s right. Fearne – who has all the personality of a blown light bulb – is no longer to be married, which is sad for her as she wouldn’t shut up about it around the time of the Royal Wedding, a ginormous event that was mystifyingly covered by the presenter with her flickerless, corpse eyes.
She met Jesse in 2008 while someone was daft enough to pay for Cotton to film in the US and, last year, they decided to get engaged. We assume that Jenkins went down on one knee and stared expectantly at Cotton for roughly 8 hours before the Radio One DJ finally stopped saying “classic” and “legend”, and realised what was going on before saying “Oh! I’ve seen this in films! What do I say?”
Eventually, after lengthy discussions, Jesse convinced her to get engaged to him, leaving Fearne to roam the Earth constantly reminding everyone that absolutely everything was “legendary”, including her woeful investigative journalism shows where she met luminaries such as Peaches Geldof.
Sadly, this break-up seems to be a rather clean one.
A spokesperson said:
“Sadly their relationship came to a mutual end last month. There is no-one else involved.”
Alas, that isn’t true. There was someone involved. Fearne Cotton was involved. And like all things involving Fearne Cotton, it was destined to result in disappointment.
Still, at least she can now focus on being a thing that barely occupies a pair of wellington boots over the TV coverage of the festival season.
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Caspian says
Funny…..& so true. A truly annoying, tattoo covered chav
leah says
i think what your saying about fern is discusting! i think she is great, so what if she hasn’t had the most success with men. She is still a wonderful woman and so so beautiful. I think maybe you should think about your saying about such a beautiful woman – totally against bullies and that is what you are! Do something with your lives you low life people!
sam says
I agree with Leah, all of what you have said in unnecessary and completely untrue. Get a life instead of going on about others