Hugh Hefner is not a happy man. Is it because he sincerely thought Crystal Harris was his true love and there was genuine shock and misery at her jilting him at the altar, before going on to say nasty things about his prowess in the bedroom?
Or is it because his male pride is taking an absolute hammering?
Whatever it is, he’s not about to start taking insults from an air-head like that! No way! So is he coming out fighting and saying that she has unsightly moles on her mons or that she actually has a dozen teats down her stomach like some pig in a boob tube? Of course he isn’t. He’s pointed at his chap and saying ‘Yeah? I totally do sex with it all the time. Like, a million times a day. And all the women can’t walk properly. After I’ve had sex with them I mean. I’m not using my wonder wand on people in wheelchairs. Although I would because I’ve got no problem with them. Can I have a lie down now? A normal one, not a sex one. Thanks. I get ever so tired.’
Anyway, Harris said that the Boob Magnate lasted “two seconds” in the sack, which saw Hefner coming out with boxing gloves on to sort all this out. Alas, he’s so old, that he couldn’t quite lift his hands up into the fighting position, leaving him trying to generate enough moisture from his body to create a solitary tear of frustration.
Well kinda.
What Hef actually did was to say that Harris “lied about our relationship” before going on about how they were at it all the time.
“For the record, I have sex on a weekly basis. And I did throughout my two-and-a-half years with Crystal.”
Crikey. He must be bored to tears of having the old in/out. If he’s done it at least once a week, that’s 52 times a year. Now multiply that by the 39,762 years he’s been on this Earth and… well… we shudder to think how he gets his kicks these days.
It seems variety is the spice of life as Hef added:
“My sex life involves more than one partner and has since the end of my marriage in 1998”
“There’s safety in numbers. When I try to settle down [like I did with] Crystal, I get burned.”
It won’t be too long before a young, nubile woman wants to marry the incredibly wealthy grot vendor, so he’ll be okay. Or dead soon.
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d says
No fool like an old fool
bbtoo.us says
WHat a lucky old man…just saying
Cookie Monster says
We all hope only that when we are a wrinkled and desiccated vagina of a human, that we have the wherewithal to pretend that we hump.