Celebrity dregs Kerry Katona has posed in her grundies to show-off the fact that she now weighs marginally less than a manatee.

The mother-of-four blames her previous weight gain on the see-food diet; she saw it, she swallowed it, claiming to have gorged on ‘bread and cheese’.

‘Bread and cheese’, in this instance we hope, actually means she scarfed down insane amounts of pizza and Ginster’s pasties.

The former face of Iceland claims that she lost the weight through detox and exercise, but would have had it siphoned off could she afford the surgery:

“In the past few weeks, my arms have become super toned. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger… but I still hate my stomach. If I could afford it, I’d have a tummy tuck.”

Which suggests that she has lost not only weight, but her memory.

Think back to 2008 and recall the time Kerry was boasting about a £15,000 full-body overhaul in get-your-baps-out-for-the-boys lad’s mag Zoo, which was filmed by MTV.

Kerry’s been under the knife more times than a carvery joint. Any more plastic inserts and she’ll be declared a bio-hazard and buried in a concrete box in a third-world country.

If she’s going to tell fibs, Kezza would be better off trying to convince us that her new body is down to a strange new parasite or wasting disease than her hard work and new-found love of exercise.

RIGHT?

By now, you should be back in the office and have run out of hilarious Christmas anecdotes about racist comments made by elderly relatives at the table, or how a pet urinated over the turkey. Like everyone, over-consumption via endless cheese-boards, chocolates and booze made everyone that little bit chubbier than they’d like, come 2012. So how do we combat this?

Whilst some might try and physically try and cry out the fat, others resort to more realistic methods.

Look at any supermarket shelf and you’ll be able to pick up an exercise DVD featuring completely unqualified instructors. From TOWIE to Babestation, they can all allegedly help us tone our cellulite. If you think it’s just the public who buy into fat melting DVD’s, you’d be wrong. Even reality show/model/super-injunction celebrity Imogen Thomas uses them. However, she’s been criticised for wanting to do so.

So what has Imogen Thomas done to annoy so many people?

Well, bugger all in our mind, it seems like an overly dramatic reaction to the following, which she posted on that ever-loving oracle, Twitter:

If anything, this blows open the whole debate about what the perfect body should look like. Like loads of questions in the universe such as why birds crap on a car after its just been washed and what’s the meaning of life, there’s no definitive answer. But then again, Imogen Thomas makes her living from taking her clothes off. She won’t want to look like a porker unless she’s posing for a specialist magazine, right?

Did people feel sorry for her? No, not really. And as usual, the kind supportive hand of Twitter came out to support her. Maybe they were all Manchester Utd fans. Choice comments included:

“Talk about attention seeking Jesus christtttt.”

Someone else moaned:

“You idiot it’s tweets like that which make young girls think they’re fat when they’re not. Irresponsible tweeting.”

Evidently it seems, the horror of somebody going on a diet after a Christmas binge and wanting to make themselves feel comfortable about their body seemed a shocking prospect. So much so, that Imogen Thomas had to defend her actions again via Twitter. All whilst crying in to a carrot cake and a full fat can of cola:

Christ knows why people had a go at her. Everyone knows that roughly six days into the New Year, everyone fails a diet pan when McDonalds announces their January sale.

EDITOR’S NOTE: MATTHEW LAIDLOW HAS BEEN GIVEN A WRITTEN WARNING FOR SHOWING SIGNS OF SENSITIVITY OVER A NO-MARK LIKE IMOGEN THOMAS. WE APOLOGISE AND PROMISE THAT THIS WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN.

This just in: Kelly Osbourne can fit into fashion sample sizes and she has become as gleefully smug as she is thin.

Isn’t that just wonderful. The reality star, who lost an alarming amount of weight after being on Dancing With The Stars this year, has been on several shows talking about how she lost weight.

Mostly, Kelly credits not being a pig and lifting her buttocks off the sofa, one at a time, and working out for 30-minutes-per-day.

So, less pies. More butt lifting. Got that?

Her diet is so easy-to-follow that the 25-year-old is posing on the cover of a health and fitness magazine to show off her new figure and share weight loss tips.

For an upcoming issue of Shape, Kelly is posing in a bikini. Her first ever bikini. Seriously. She claims she never even thought about trying on a bikini before losing weight. You know. Because of all the pies. And she actually cried with excitement, as did those around her, when she first tried one on.

In her new role as thin Hollywood ingenue, Kelly notes that her peers are suddenly threatened by her. Being thin around other thin people will have that affect. Also, they’re always grouchy due to the lack of delicious lard in their diets.

Kelly was the real life equivalent of the perfectly-adequate-looking-friend with thick glasses and a ponytail who got sidelined in a movie until she shed both. Think Janey Briggs in Not Another Teen Movie. Specifically, Kelly says that her former Blackberry friends don’t want to come out and play anymore. They’re getting openly more nasty. Where they’d once say hello they’re now ignoring her.

From Showbiz Spy:

The 25-year-old star admits she is still getting used to her new shape and feels shocked every time she sees a picture of herself. “My weight? People don’t realise it’s as shocking to me as it is to them. When they open up a magazine and they see it… I’m still getting used to seeing me like this and the changes and the way that… it’s weird!” she said. “Girls in Hollywood don’t like you because you become competition. They have started to get much more nasty. You think, ‘Usually you say hi and now you don’t.’”

There’s no putting the hair back in a ponytail and the glasses are  long gone. She should just embrace it, get some ribs removed and really show people what she’s working with. Hollywood is pretty much just one giant high school where every one’s dating each other and girls are hyper-competitive and catty. We’re pretty much sure the rib-removal thing is the best way forward.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

What do we know about Perez Hilton? He’s more annoying than a wasp trying to give you paper cuts. He’s as camp as Christmas. He’s had a variety of daft haircuts. He’s a blogger who has somehow managed to befriend some A-listers. He fat.

WHOA!

Wait a minute! Fat? How about fat and sexless?

Well, if we’re talking about Perez Hilton in 2007, then that would most certainly be true. Apparently, he only got one shag during that year, which prompted him to go on a diet.

Where most people would just crack on with it and start getting fit and learning to flirt better (or indeed, just giving in to the notion that your life will be spent watching biscuit crumbs fall from your rolls of fat while you frig yourself red raw on the sofa for eternity), Perez needs to let the WHOLE WORLD know about it.

And so, we’re faced with a show that is so grotesque in prospect that typing this article requires special gloves which will later be burned.

Basically, The World’s Most Irritating and Vapid Man – Perez Hilton, will meet up with Fearne Cotton – The World’s Most Irritating and Vacuous Woman, for a television show which, naturally, will be screened on ITV2.

Hideous Fearne met up with Douchemaster Perez in Canada and, as he unpacked his special food, he told her:

“I’m trying to be healthy, I brought my meals with me from Los Angeles. It’s because I looked back on the year 2007 and I saw that I only got laid once, which for a gay dude is unheard of. That’s like celibacy, and now I’m getting laid a lot, well, not a lot, but more than once a year.”

Thrilling stuff.

Imagine that. A bloated Perez Hilton squealing away behind you like a pig with its arse on fire. Imagine it. Imagine that in your mind. Each seeping vein and bulging eye. Now add Fearne Cotton to the mix.

ITV, you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

For the full horror, tune into Fearne and Perez Hilton, ITV2, Tonight, 15 September, 9PM

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The first week on January is traditionally the week of going to the gym twice and hoping it’ll offset 12 months of compulsive doughnut abuse.

But not if you’re Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey knows that she’s turned into a lardy old gutbucket lately, and she’s determined to get slim again.

And Oprah Winfrey plans to do this by not abusing food any more. And by ‘abusing’ food, Oprah means ‘keeping it in her cupboard for any longer than she has to before stuffing it into her gob and rolling around the floor snorting like an animal’. We can’t see it working, to be honest.

Oprah Winfrey’s probably had her fill of abuse lately. First she had to deal with parental abuse when her dad wrote a book about her, then she had to deal with child abuse at her African school – and now she has to deal with food abuse, the very thing that’s caused her to swell up like a broken ankle over the last few months.

Oprah has always struggled with her weight – over the years she’s literally tried every diet known to man. Problem is, though, she tried them all at once, which meant eating 250 dinners every day. It was foolhardy in retrospect. But this time Oprah’s going to lose all that weight once and for all, just you watch.

Last month Oprah Winfrey wailed about how fat she was in her magazine – she says she weighs about 200lb now – and this month it looks like she’s going to be doing something about it. And, as MSNBC reports, step one seems to involve setting a number of targets for herself that are so woolly and impossible to quantify that nobody will ever know if she’s reached them or not:

“It’s about using food — abusing food. Too much work. Not enough play. Not enough time to come down. Not enough time to really relax. I am hungry for balance. I’m hungry to do something other than work. My goal is to be the weight that my body can hold and be healthy and strong and fit and be itself.”

We’ll admit to not being completely sure about what ‘food abuse’ actually is, but we sort of wish that Oprah would shut up about it. Honestly, if Bono hears that something called food abuse exists we’ll all have to endure an all-star summertime charity concert to raise money for it, and bloody Paul McCartney will get to finish it off by singing a poxy version of Hey Jude that goes on for 45 minutes and it’ll be terrible.

In all seriousness, though, good for Oprah Winfrey. It sounds like she’s not going to subscribe to another one of those faddy crash diets that she’s so closely associated with this time, and that can only be beneficial to her health in the long run.

And if it doesn’t work? Well, Oprah can always develop an eating disorder or two. We’d be totally fine with that, by the way, but only so long as Oprah promises to start every fifth show by bellowing “Everybody gets a sandwich bag full of my bulimia vomit!” at her audience like some sort of berserk, giddy sick-covered toddler. That’s a dealbreaker.

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Going directly against the orders of Michael Bay, Megan Fox seems to be doing exactly the opposite to piling on some poundage.

Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ‘sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

From DIETPIXIE – Someone please give Jack Black a cheeseburger.

Why? Well, for starters, shoving it in his big, fat chops might shut him up.

Secondly, it could be the only way we can stop him from doing nude scenes.

That’s right – nude scenes!!

‘Nude scenes’ and ‘Jack Black’ – if ever there was four words that should not appear together in the same sentence it’s that right there.

And you’ll be disgusted to know that the Kung Fu Panda star has done them before (In Margot at the Wedding – just in case you are some twisted freak and want to check him out.)

Read the rest of this entry (opens in a new window) >>

FROM DIETPIXIE – Tom Cruise has welcomed the recommencement of Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes’ friendship, but only if the ‘d’ word is banned.

Yep, that’s right. Posh Spice and the better half of TomKat are forbidden to discuss diets, in case Katie ends up becoming as thin as Victoria.

TomKat are hoping to start babymaking in the near future, just like the Beckhams, and Tom is worried that Katie will become too obsessed with her diet and fitness regimes.

Read the rest of this entry (opens in a new window) >>

Oprah Winfrey’s name has become synonymous with yo-yo dieting over the years.

From one extreme of crash liquid diets to the other extreme of “yo, pass me that box of Ding Dongs“, Oprah’s weight has inexplicably become a fascinating topic to people. Actually, take out the word ‘weight’ from that sentence and you’ve still got a mighty true statement, but nonetheless, Oprah is going to do a 21-day vegan detox diet.

Does this mean we have to see her strut out to show off her new skinny outfits like she always does after a diet? Wait, we don’t watch anyway, so who really gives a lovely toss?

Why is it that Oprah Winfrey, a woman who without makeup looks like a wax figure of Carl Weathers melting slowly on a hot day, has the world so fascinated with her weight? Maybe it’s because she’s become so ridiculously rich and famous by interviewing maniacal jumping bean Tom Cruise and giving away free crap on her talk show that everyone assumes she should just be able to pay people to club her with nightsticks every time she reaches for something that would break her diet, and therefore, has no excuse to be a fatty.

Well shame on you. Shame on all of you. Like every other fat person in America, Oprah’s fluctuations in weight are obviously due to a glandular problem. Her glands are likely clogged up with junk so she’s going to stop eating meat and dairy and sugar – you know, food and stuff – by going on a hippie-ish sounding detox vegan diet.

So, for 21 days she’ll eat nothing that is an animal, from an animal, or has been given a sideways glance by an animal in order to help detoxify her body. Why, you may ask, would one take upon themselves such a feat that some might call exhausting, inane overkill? Oprah tells us the answer right here:

“This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”

Oprah has even started a delightful blog on her website about her experience eating nothing but soy sweat and air:

“I had been focused on what I had to give up – sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese. ‘What’s left?’ I thought. Apparently a lot. I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight, beginning with breakfast – strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.”

Oh, sorry, that’s soy sweat, air, and scrumptious strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.

Good luck, Oprah. We look forward to your next detox diet in which you take a three week break from sucking the innards out of men and stop consuming the souls of sad, lonely, dumped housewives all over the world.

Read more:

Oprah’s 21-Day Diet Detox – People