But not if you’re Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey knows that she’s turned into a lardy old gutbucket lately, and she’s determined to get slim again.

And Oprah Winfrey plans to do this by not abusing food any more. And by ‘abusing’ food, Oprah means ‘keeping it in her cupboard for any longer than she has to before stuffing it into her gob and rolling around the floor snorting like an animal’. We can’t see it working, to be honest.

Oprah Winfrey’s probably had her fill of abuse lately. First she had to deal with parental abuse when her dad wrote a book about her, then she had to deal with child abuse at her African school – and now she has to deal with food abuse, the very thing that’s caused her to swell up like a broken ankle over the last few months.

Oprah has always struggled with her weight – over the years she’s literally tried every diet known to man. Problem is, though, she tried them all at once, which meant eating 250 dinners every day. It was foolhardy in retrospect. But this time Oprah’s going to lose all that weight once and for all, just you watch.

Last month Oprah Winfrey wailed about how fat she was in her magazine – she says she weighs about 200lb now – and this month it looks like she’s going to be doing something about it. And, as MSNBC reports, step one seems to involve setting a number of targets for herself that are so woolly and impossible to quantify that nobody will ever know if she’s reached them or not:

“It’s about using food — abusing food. Too much work. Not enough play. Not enough time to come down. Not enough time to really relax. I am hungry for balance. I’m hungry to do something other than work. My goal is to be the weight that my body can hold and be healthy and strong and fit and be itself.”

We’ll admit to not being completely sure about what ‘food abuse’ actually is, but we sort of wish that Oprah would shut up about it. Honestly, if Bono hears that something called food abuse exists we’ll all have to endure an all-star summertime charity concert to raise money for it, and bloody Paul McCartney will get to finish it off by singing a poxy version of Hey Jude that goes on for 45 minutes and it’ll be terrible.

In all seriousness, though, good for Oprah Winfrey. It sounds like she’s not going to subscribe to another one of those faddy crash diets that she’s so closely associated with this time, and that can only be beneficial to her health in the long run.

And if it doesn’t work? Well, Oprah can always develop an eating disorder or two. We’d be totally fine with that, by the way, but only so long as Oprah promises to start every fifth show by bellowing “Everybody gets a sandwich bag full of my bulimia vomit!” at her audience like some sort of berserk, giddy sick-covered toddler. That’s a dealbreaker.

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Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them – namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

First Megan Fox decided to ruin the underwear of millions of men and boys around the world with the news she was going to lez off in her upcoming movie Jennifer’s Body. Then, as if the news of a “hot” and “hardcore” lesbian scene weren’t enough, it was revealed she would be doing some topless stuff too.

That girl really knows how to ruin lives, that’s for sure.

After destroying millions of male psyches with the news of her lesbo-nudity, the sexiest woman in the world has turned her attention on the female populace. While she isn’t going for the same technique of making lonely young men/slightly pervy older men masturbate themselves into oblivion, she is still trying to ruin lives through the power of her actions alone.

And while Michael Bay wants her to be a fatty fighting the good fight alongside Shia LaBeouf, the Fox isn’t having any of it. Confessing to something of a ’sweet tooth’ – which, in Hollywood language probably means she eats some things sometimes – she who likes to ruin your day by appearing in some suggestive poses on a normally decent website (usually when you’re innocently looking for celebrity news) has decided she will drink vinegar to help her keep in shape.

Speaking to someone who was apparently writing this stuff down – or recording it – the bushy-tailed one said:

“”It’s just water and raw apple cider vinegar, and it just cleans out your system entirely. It will get rid of, for women who retain water weight, from your menstrual cycle and all that, it gets rid of it really fast (sic). I’m not one for dieting or exercising, ’cause I’m lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while ’cause of the amount of sugar I take in.”"

That just happens to sound utterly disgusting in every way shape and form – even the wording of the sentences brings up the bile. But it would seem the (possibly) evil Megan Fox doesn’t care how much bile we bring up, and she wants to ruin the health of teenage girls around the world (maybe), who are sure to copy her (possibly) in their never-ending quest to look like all the people they see in the magazines.

Just like all the boys want to copy Shia LaBeouf and crash their cars, thus messing up their hands.

We would go on to say something about how the Fox needs some (La)beef in her diet, but even hecklerspray isn’t that cheap. Even if we are struggling with a slow news day, and are resorting to the Charlie Brooker-approved ‘fit as many dodgy keywords into an article as you can’ technique. Professionalism right there, baby.

Why? Well, for starters, shoving it in his big, fat chops might shut him up.

Secondly, it could be the only way we can stop him from doing nude scenes.

That’s right – nude scenes!!

‘Nude scenes’ and ‘Jack Black’ – if ever there was four words that should not appear together in the same sentence it’s that right there.

And you’ll be disgusted to know that the Kung Fu Panda star has done them before (In Margot at the Wedding – just in case you are some twisted freak and want to check him out.)

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Yep, that’s right. Posh Spice and the better half of TomKat are forbidden to discuss diets, in case Katie ends up becoming as thin as Victoria.

TomKat are hoping to start babymaking in the near future, just like the Beckhams, and Tom is worried that Katie will become too obsessed with her diet and fitness regimes.

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From one extreme of crash liquid diets to the other extreme of “yo, pass me that box of Ding Dongs“, Oprah’s weight has inexplicably become a fascinating topic to people. Actually, take out the word ‘weight’ from that sentence and you’ve still got a mighty true statement, but nonetheless, Oprah is going to do a 21-day vegan detox diet.

Does this mean we have to see her strut out to show off her new skinny outfits like she always does after a diet? Wait, we don’t watch anyway, so who really gives a lovely toss?

Why is it that Oprah Winfrey, a woman who without makeup looks like a wax figure of Carl Weathers melting slowly on a hot day, has the world so fascinated with her weight? Maybe it’s because she’s become so ridiculously rich and famous by interviewing maniacal jumping bean Tom Cruise and giving away free crap on her talk show that everyone assumes she should just be able to pay people to club her with nightsticks every time she reaches for something that would break her diet, and therefore, has no excuse to be a fatty.

Well shame on you. Shame on all of you. Like every other fat person in America, Oprah’s fluctuations in weight are obviously due to a glandular problem. Her glands are likely clogged up with junk so she’s going to stop eating meat and dairy and sugar – you know, food and stuff – by going on a hippie-ish sounding detox vegan diet.

So, for 21 days she’ll eat nothing that is an animal, from an animal, or has been given a sideways glance by an animal in order to help detoxify her body. Why, you may ask, would one take upon themselves such a feat that some might call exhausting, inane overkill? Oprah tells us the answer right here:

“This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”

Oprah has even started a delightful blog on her website about her experience eating nothing but soy sweat and air:

“I had been focused on what I had to give up – sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese. ‘What’s left?’ I thought. Apparently a lot. I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight, beginning with breakfast – strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.”

Oh, sorry, that’s soy sweat, air, and scrumptious strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.

Good luck, Oprah. We look forward to your next detox diet in which you take a three week break from sucking the innards out of men and stop consuming the souls of sad, lonely, dumped housewives all over the world.

Read more:

Oprah’s 21-Day Diet Detox – People