What do we know about Perez Hilton? He’s more annoying than a wasp trying to give you paper cuts. He’s as camp as Christmas. He’s had a variety of daft haircuts. He’s a blogger who has somehow managed to befriend some A-listers. He fat.
WHOA!
Wait a minute! Fat? How about fat and sexless?
Well, if we’re talking about Perez Hilton in 2007, then that would most certainly be true. Apparently, he only got one shag during that year, which prompted him to go on a diet.
Where most people would just crack on with it and start getting fit and learning to flirt better (or indeed, just giving in to the notion that your life will be spent watching biscuit crumbs fall from your rolls of fat while you frig yourself red raw on the sofa for eternity), Perez needs to let the WHOLE WORLD know about it.
And so, we’re faced with a show that is so grotesque in prospect that typing this article requires special gloves which will later be burned.
Basically, The World’s Most Irritating and Vapid Man – Perez Hilton, will meet up with Fearne Cotton – The World’s Most Irritating and Vacuous Woman, for a television show which, naturally, will be screened on ITV2.
Hideous Fearne met up with Douchemaster Perez in Canada and, as he unpacked his special food, he told her:
?I'm trying to be healthy, I brought my meals with me from Los Angeles. It's because I looked back on the year 2007 and I saw that I only got laid once, which for a gay dude is unheard of. That's like celibacy, and now I'm getting laid a lot, well, not a lot, but more than once a year.?
Thrilling stuff.
Imagine that. A bloated Perez Hilton squealing away behind you like a pig with its arse on fire. Imagine it. Imagine that in your mind. Each seeping vein and bulging eye. Now add Fearne Cotton to the mix.
ITV, you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.
For the full horror, tune into Fearne and Perez Hilton, ITV2, Tonight, 15 September, 9PM