Posts tagged as:

death

Robert Pattinson Wafting His Glans At Twilight Co-Star That Isn’t Kristen Stewart

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson may well be so dull that sometimes, even light itself rejects his presence and that, granted, he’s so riddled with tedium that sometimes his heart forgets to pump his boring blood around his lifeless body… …but he still manages to pop his doo-dah into the girls. Mystifying. Of course, everyone has been muttering [...]

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Jon Bon Jovi, Regrettably Not Dead (Also: Terrible Christmas Video)

by Mof Gimmers

Yesterday was great for death. Kim Jong-il (or, as some dumb American said, Kim Jong The Second) shrugged off his mortal coil while elsewhere, rumours floated around about various celebrity deaths! One such rumour was Brian Harvey (not dead, but can’t be far off) and another was Jon Bon Jovi. When Jon ‘Bon Jovi’ Bon [...]

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Michael Jackson’s Old Tat Sells For More Than It’s Worth

by Matthew Laidlow

If anybody tells you that car boot sales and charity shops are pointless, they clearly don’t know what they’re talking about. Nothing beats the wonders of rummaging through boxes on a cold early morning with a ropey £1 polystyrene cup of tea whilst searching for hidden gems. The high street charity shop is a haven [...]

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Licensed to Il: Kim Jong Il, Dead Because His Body Couldn’t Handle All That Amazingness

by Mof Gimmers

Terrible news, readers. Kim Jong-il, has gone and died on us, leaving a rather small but impressive hole in the fabric of our world’s society. Seriously, he was a veritable Superman and we’ll never see his like again. Of course, Kim Jong-il went by a variety of names. His people (lucky beggars!) referred to him [...]

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Michael Jackson’s Daughter Paris Starts Showbiz Young, Which Never Did Dad Any Harm

by Matthew Laidlow

They say that everyone deserves a second chance to learn from their mistakes. Or if you happen to have an ounce of intelligence, not copying the moves of those that led to their downfall. One of the greatest examples of cocking-up a childhood comes from no-other than the Jackson family. Whilst we were left marvelled [...]

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Why Not Take The Kids To See Michael Jackson’s Death House?

by Mof Gimmers

So, you and your stupid family are thinking about having a nice day out together. You don’t want to. You’d rather sit in and watch TV. However, some nagging guilt tells you there’s a world outside, so you make the gesture to others in a bid to make you look like you give a hoot [...]

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Dr. Conrad Murray Sexily Appeals His Conviction And Acts As His Own Sexy Lawyer

by Matthew Laidlow

At the moment, ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray will be inside a jail cell, confined to a space that’ll make him feel like an animal at the zoo. Last week, justice was delivered to Michael Jackson’s former doctor as punishment for his the star’s manslaughter. Four years was the term handed down by the judge who [...]

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Taylor Lautner To Be Encased In Wax For Molestation Purposes

by Mof Gimmers

Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment. In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real [...]

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Execution Of Civil Servants Imminent After Jeremy Clarkson’s Call To Arms

by Mof Gimmers

Civil servants should be very, very worried. Your time is up. You’re about to be killed. Hunted like mongrels and executed before your weeping families. It sounds fanciful, but it is definitely, definitely going to happen. That’s because the good people of Britain are unable to form opinions of their own, instead, they wait for [...]

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Robert Pattinson Would Bore Himself To Death For Love

by Michael Park

Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat. The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during [...]

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