Posts tagged as:

Daniel Radcliffe

Daniel Radcliffe Gets A Girlfriend, Who Is Apparently A Girl

by Stuart Heritage

Girls, we have some bad news for you – it’s Daniel Radcliffe. He’s off the market. We know, it’s upsetting.

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Harry Potter Thinks Justin Bieber Is The Sexiest Girl Alive

by Stuart Heritage

Between the budget, the oil spill and the football, this week has the potential to be the most depressing ever.

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Harry Potter Stars Sad About Harry Potter Ending

by Stuart Heritage

Lost has finished, 24 has finished, U2 are crocked, nobody likes Justin Bieber any more – this is a time for endings.

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Daniel Radcliffe Does Theatre Without Help From His Penis

by Stuart Heritage

The greatest theatrical double act in living memory – Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis – have split up.

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Robert Pattinson Is Sexier Than Daniel Radcliffe. Rupert Grint Still Unbearably Ugly

by Paul Gibson

Hey, don’t just take our word for it. Go ask the hedge-haired boy wizard himself. He’s the one that said it, not us. In other news, it has been reported that 85% of people would rather drink a gallon of sour milk than a cup of tramp’s widdle. Who do you think of when someone [...]

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Quantum of Solace Pushed Back a Week, and It’s All Harry Potter’s Fault

by Ian Dransfield

Harry Potter has a lot to answer for – now he’s magically caused Quantum of Solace to be pushed back. Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company’s decision to move the new Harry Potter film [...]

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Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis Pushed Harry Potter Back Eight Months

by Ian Dransfield

Daniel Radcliffe may well be the face of Harry Potter, but he’s already made great headway towards getting away from being pigeonholed. The way he went about this was to go on stage and get his penis out. It’s a classic technique, and one we’ve surely all practiced at some point in our lives. If [...]

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Harry Potter and the Legions of Disappointed Idiots

by Ian Dransfield

If you’re an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of books as one of your favourites then you likely need to be shot. In the face. If you’re an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of films as one of your favourites then you need to be fired. From a cannon. Into the [...]

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Harry Potter To Unleash His Naked Penis Across America

by Stuart Heritage

Americans know how they like their child-stars – naked and terrified of the malevolent horse-gods they’re also sexually aroused by.

So today should be like Christmas for them, because Daniel Radcliffe – who, as Harry Potter, is basically King Child Star – has announced that he’s taking his production of Equus to America, where it will play in Broadway from September.

Equus. You know. Equus. The play that explores the ethical ambiguity of free will versus the enforced conventions of societal normality as laid out by the Bible and psychiatric practices. The play that, through the unique on-stage seating plan, forces the audience to confront notions ofvoyeurism and artifice for themselves. Oh, alright – the play where Harry Potter gets his penis out, waggles it around and then stabs a bunch of horses in the eye. Happy now?

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Lily Allen’s Brother Goes Naked Horse Stabbing

by Stuart Heritage

After Harry Potter’s penis won rave reviews for its horse-stabbing role in the stage-production of Equus this spring, people assumed that whoever would follow it would either be a) a respected big-name actor or b) Lily Allen’s little brother.

And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe’s Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen – brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he’s ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he’ll be doing that any more, of course – to suit Alfie’s slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.

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