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Comeback

Spice Girls Put Themselves Out Of Their Misery

by Stuart Heritage

First we’ll hit you with the good news – the Spice Girls have cut their world tour short and split up.

And now for the bad news – the Spice Girls split means we’re going to have to put up with five cack-handed Spice Girls solo careers again instead of one big group career that’s easy to ignore.

Which we suppose means that we’ll never hear from Geri Halliwell again. Maybe this is for the best after all.

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Latest Unnecessary Band Reunion: New Kids On The Block

by hecklerspray staff

Can you guess who the latest former phenomenal musical success is that needs to stage a comeback because they’re out of money? Well, unless you’re a complete tool you don’t have to guess because it says it right there in the title of this entry, genius.

Yes, New Kids on the Block are rumoured to be coming back. That’s right; your favourite five heartthrobs – Jordan, Joey, Jonathon, Donnie and Donny – will be back in the flesh!

Although, it’ll probably be more wrinkly, slightly saggy, muscle-tone free flesh this time around.

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Michael Jackson For The Super Bowl! Sort Of!

by Stuart Heritage

Yes, you read that correctly – at the Super Bowl, the New York Giants will be replaced with Michael Jackson, who’ll face off against the New England Patriots with just a monkey in a helmet for help.

No, we’re just kidding. In fact Michael Jackson will be doing what he does third-best for Sunday’s Super Bowl – music. But Michael Jackson won’t be performing during the Super Bowl halftime show, probably because a gaunt middle-aged man muttering three lines of Stranger In Moscow before wandering off doesn’t cut it as entertainment any more.

Instead, Michael Jackson will be on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show. Actually, that’s not true either – some of Thriller will be played on an advert broadcast during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Not much of a story, this, is it?

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The Spice Girls Get Bewilderingly Rich

by Stuart Heritage

The Spice Girls reunion has been rubbish – singles have tanked, albums have underperformed nobody seems to care about their live show whatsoever.

But somehow, despite all that, the Spice Girls have managed to make £10 million from their string of concerts at the O2. That’s £10 million each, by the way.

And if we were the Spice Girls’ accountants, we’d recommend that they should be prudent with this new windfall because, treated sensibly, it could be enough for them to never work again. Basically we want the Spice Girls to never work again.

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Emma Bunton Hobbles Around Like An Old Lady

by Stuart Heritage

As if the Spice Girls reunion wasn’t going badly enough already, now Emma Bunton has fallen over, knackered her ankle and has to hobble around on crutches.

It’s been reported that Emma Bunton – also known as Infantile Spice by her young fans – stacked it onstage during a Spice Girls show in Las Vegas and now she’s in a cast. But don’t you worry, London-based Spice Girls fans – Emma Bunton has vowed that by the time the Spice Girls’ world tour hits London she’ll have recovered completely, even if she has to spend 13 hours chewing off her bad leg – cauterising the wound with a red-hot travel iron as she goes – and replacing it with one big penny farthing wheel, a bit like those dogs who go round hospitals have.

Yes, that’s actually what Emma Bunton said.

No it isn’t.

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Led Zeppelin Play A Concert Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Last night at the O2 arena in London, something momentous happened – a bunch old men played some old songs and everyone wet themselves.

We’re talking about Led Zeppelin, of course – last night marked the long-awaited, obscenely-anticipated, ticket website-melting Led Zeppelin comeback at the O2. But even though the band is now made up of Michael Winner, a curly-haired toby jug, a bank manager and someone’s son, could Led Zeppelin match the hype? We’ve got a round-up of some of the best Led Zeppelin reviews from last night for you, saving you the trouble of wading through the foaming avalanche yourself.

Warning: the following article contains the phrase “Page dispensed powerchords like an aged Thor lobbing down thunderbolts for kicks.” Seriously.

More…

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Spice Girls Comeback Inflicts Itself On Vancouver

by Stuart Heritage

The Spice Girls comeback hasn’t exactly been a top-notch success yet – there’s been a failed single, an underperforming Best Of album and a Tesco advert so distressing that it’s given us recurring nightmares about Posh Spice’s rubbery mouth.

But all of that can be consigned to the past, because the real money-making leg of the Spice Girls comeback kicked off last night – it was the first concert of the Spice Girls’ reunion world tour in Vancouver. 16,000 screaming Spice Girls fans packed into General Motors Place to see Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice and Alarmingly Muscular Spice go through all their biggest hits, plus that new song that nobody bought. And according to early reviews, the Spice Girls comeback show is a hit, even though at one point it apparently featured The Sporty Spice Tribute To Lenny Kravitz In Association With The Sort Of Harrowing Bondage Gear That Will Make You Spend The Rest Of Your Life Shivering And Alone.

The Spice Girls comeback hasn't exactly been a top-notch success yet - there's been a failed single, an underperforming Best Of album and a Tesco advert so distressing that it's given us recurring nightmares about Posh Spice's rubbery mouth. But all of that can be consigned to the past, because the real money-making leg of the Spice Girls comeback kicked off last night - it was the first concert of the Spice Girls' reunion world tour in Vancouver. 16,000 screaming Spice Girls fans packed into General Motors Place to see Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice and Alarmingly Muscular Spice go through all their biggest hits, plus that new song that nobody bought. And according to early reviews, the Spice Girls comeback show is a hit, even though at one point it apparently featured The Sporty Spice Tribute To Lenny Kravitz In Association With The Sort Of Harrowing Bondage Gear That Will Make You Spend The Rest Of Your Life Shivering And Alone.
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Led Zeppelin To Go On Tour After All, Maybe

by Stuart Heritage

When Led Zeppelin first announced a one-off comeback show, the demand for tickets was monumental – almost as if people had never seen a bunch of old hobbly old men play a song about runes in the style of helium-spazzed wizards before.

In fact, records show that every man, woman, child and animal on the face of the earth, living or dead, all tried to book a million tickets each for the Led Zeppelin reunion concert in London that’s scheduled for next month. And such was the demand for Led Zeppelin tickets that a full Led Zeppelin reunion tour has long been rumoured, but always denied by the band itself. But now the cat might be out of the bag, because Led Zeppelin’s support band has revealed that full comeback tour really is going to happen next year. And who have Led Zeppelin picked to support on such a colossal occasion? Pink Floyd? The Who? The Rolling Stones?

No. The Cult. You know. The Cult. They had that one song once.

When Led Zeppelin first announced a one-off comeback show, the demand for tickets was monumental - almost as if people had never seen a bunch of old hobbly old men play a song about runes in the style of helium-spazzed wizards before. In fact, records show that every man, woman, child and animal on the face of the earth, living or dead, all tried to book a million tickets each for the Led Zeppelin reunion concert in London that's scheduled for next month. And such was the demand for Led Zeppelin tickets that a full Led Zeppelin reunion tour has long been rumoured, but always denied by the band itself. But now the cat might be out of the bag, because Led Zeppelin's support band has revealed that full comeback tour really is going to happen next year. And who have Led Zeppelin picked to support on such a colossal occasion? Pink Floyd? The Who? The Rolling Stones? No. The Cult. You know. The Cult. They had that one song once.
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Reunited Spice Girls Sing Songs In The Name Of Bras

by Stuart Heritage

Although the Spice Girls comeback tour doesn’t properly kick off for a couple more weeks, it doesn’t mean that the girls can’t get together and dress up like a bunch of extras from an old Dad’s Army episode for cash.

And that’s just as well, because last night that’s exactly what they did. At the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Hollywood last night, the world got its first taste of the full Spice Girls line-up singing live for almost a decade. And, weird World War II-inspired costumes aside, it seems as if the Spice Girls went down a storm and disappointed nobody. True, much of this was accomplished by the Spice Girls not stripping down to their Victoria’s Secret underwear as a climax to the show – something that at least prevented everyone dying in that tidal wave of tears and vomit that we’d been anticipating.

Although the Spice Girls comeback tour doesn't properly kick off for a couple more weeks, it doesn't mean that the girls can't get together and dress up like a bunch of extras from an old Dad's Army episode for cash. And that's just as well, because last night that's exactly what they did. At the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in Hollywood last night, the world got its first taste of the full Spice Girls line-up singing live for almost a decade. And, weird World War II-inspired costumes aside, it seems as if the Spice Girls went down a storm and disappointed nobody. True, much of this was accomplished by the Spice Girls not stripping down to their Victoria's Secret underwear as a climax to the show - something that at least prevented everyone dying in that tidal wave of tears and vomit that we'd been anticipating.
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Mika Effs Up The Boyzone Reunion

by Stuart Heritage

Have you heard the news? Boyzone are reforming because they’ve put aside their differences and not because Take That and the Spice Girls have got rich doing it and nobody cares about Ronan Keating’s solo career any more.

Yes, Boyzone – the most famous elderly Irish boyband after Westlife and Murtagh Fitzpatrick And The Clodpoopers – are reforming, but there’s a hitch. Boyzone wanted their comeback single to be I Gave It All Away, a song written by inexplicably popular annoyance Mika – but Mika’s not having it. That’s a good thing, because when a band interprets a songwriter’s work, the result is often a brand-new, unique piece of music spliced equally from each party’s DNA like a baby – and we can all agree that a part-Mika/ part-Boyzone baby would probably end up looking and sounding a lot like the disfigured genetically-deformed mutant puppy from The Fly II.

Have you heard the news? Boyzone are reforming because they've put aside their differences and not because Take That and the Spice Girls have got rich doing it and nobody cares about Ronan Keating's solo career any more. Yes, Boyzone - the most famous elderly Irish boyband after Westlife and Murtagh Fitzpatrick And The Clodpoopers - are reforming, but there's a hitch. Boyzone wanted their comeback single to be I Gave It All Away, a song written by inexplicably popular annoyance Mika - but Mika's not having it. That's a good thing, because when a band interprets a songwriter's work, the result is often a brand-new, unique piece of music spliced equally from each party's DNA like a baby - and we can all agree that a part-Mika/ part-Boyzone baby would probably end up looking and sounding a lot like the disfigured genetically-deformed mutant puppy from The Fly II.
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