Spice Girls Put Themselves Out Of Their Misery

Spice Girls Split Tour Comeback ReunionFirst we'll hit you with the good news – the Spice Girls have cut their world tour short and split up.

And now for the bad news – the Spice Girls split means we're going to have to put up with five cack-handed Spice Girls solo careers again instead of one big group career that's easy to ignore.

Which we suppose means that we'll never hear from Geri Halliwell again. Maybe this is for the best after all.

According to the Spice Girls, friendship never ends. But we've learnt not to listen to the Spice Girls since Spice Up Your Life urged us to "slam it to the left if you're having a good time" – an instruction that resulted in a loss of blood, dignity and one long-term girlfriend while incurring us a hefty bill from a top hospital's penile trauma clinic.

Perhaps the Spice Girls should have chosen to call their last single Headlines (Friendship Does End, Actually, Probably Even Before The End Of The Tour) because that's much closer to the truth. The Spice Girls are splitting up again, and they're so keen to do it that they're even cutting their world tour short. According to MTV:

The Spice Girls have split up for a second time with rumours that it’s due to the group arguing. The band have cited ‘family commitments’ for the cancellation of tour dates in China, Sydney, South America and South Africa. Due to the group’s fractious past it’s unsurprising fans think they’ve been arguing. According to one press report Mel C and Mel B were behind the split telling the other three: “We’ve had enough.” However in another weekend news story Posh Spice told the News Of The World: “I've been thinking about this for a long time. I'm not in the music industry any more. I'm in the fashion industry.”

It's not really a surprise to be honest – the Spice Girls comeback wasn't as brilliant as anyone had hoped. Their single was a flop, they performed in half-empty arenas across America, Emma Bunton knackered her leg and the Spice Girls Tesco adverts were so brain-crampingly terrible that we're pretty sure they made us cry cerebrospinal fluid once.

The last Spice Girls concert will be later this month in Toronto, and then that'll be it. Each of the girls is at least £10 million richer and can go home knowing that they'll have to write four less Christmas cards come December. But what will each of the Spice Girls do following the split?

Well, Victoria Beckham has fashion career to take care of, which we think basically involves waddling around after Katie Holmes a lot and not eating. Mel B needs to have sex with her husband more, because her schedule says that he should have knocked her up and left her by now. Geri Halliwell has that children's book to work on, unless she ditched it because all that writing got in the way of only ever talking about herself all the time. Emma Bunton has a baby to look after. And Mel C?

Well, those houses aren't going to roof themselves, are they?

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Spice Girls Split – MTV