Articles tagged with: Christmas
Harry Potter has a lot to answer for - now he's magically caused Quantum of Solace to be pushed back. Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company's decision to move the new Harry Potter film to next summer has prompted Sony to push the upcoming James Bond flick - the one with the funny name - back. Alright, so it's only a week, with the film being pushed from November 7th to the 14th, but still - come on. Give us a break here. The reason for the move was given as a simple one: 'we want more money'. Technically not what they actually said, but 'moving it closer to the Thanksgiving/Christmas market' is pretty transparent when it comes to reasoning.
This Christmas, families around the world will be united by one thing - the sound of a crack-addled hasbeen croaking out pale imitations of her best-loved hits.
Amy Winehouse? Don't be silly - we're talking about the queen of substance-deranged power-ballads here, not the scabby-faced pretender to her crack-addled throne, here. That's right, Whitney Houston is back.
Well, sort of back. Whitney Houston's comeback album - her first for six years - will be released in time for Christmas. It'd be ready sooner, but it's going to take nine months of round-the-clock labour to photoshop the album's artwork so it looks like Whitney Houston's pupils are the same size and that she's got teeth and generally looks a bit less identical to Samuel L Jackson in Jungle Fever.
Husband in jail, painful cold turkey crack rehabilitation, funny haircut - things are just about as bad as possible for Amy Winehouse at the moment, right?
Nope. Because Mika wants to get in on Amy's plans for a Christmas album.
Mika seems to be under the impression that an Amy Winehouse Christmas album would be much better with him in it because she's Jewish and he's partly related to someone who's been to Lebanon once, or something. But, hey, anything that exposes Mika to a career-threatening hard drug addiction is fine with us.
It was once said that everybody is doing a brand new dance now, and that we should perform said dance, known as the locomotion. It was Kylie Minogue who made that statement, and it just so happens that she also starred in this year’s epic Doctor Who special as a delightfully downtrodden waitress.
The fact that ‘downtrodden’ almost rhymes with ‘wooden’ isn’t just a coincidence; Kylie’s performance was lacking in parts, but fortunately that didn’t detract from the overall enjoyment. The special was set on board the spaceship Titanic and, you guessed it, something went wrong.
Firstly, in case the headline misleads you, Sir Alex Ferguson did not arrange a Christmas Rape Party for his players. The use of the phrase 'rape party' is in reference to the alleged rape by young player Jonny Evans (a charge that is almost certainly to be dropped on the grounds of insufficient evidence) that may or may not have occurred at the same party, where this girl was - also supposedly - given the red devil roasting experience. OK? Now let's continue...
A guest at the party has described how she could hear the group of players having an orgy with the young girl in a hotel room. She told The Sun:
"I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men - together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex."
Soon be here...Folded:
Happy Christmas! (ready to fight with the family?)
Getting a couple of days off (‘cos that’s really all it’s about)
Granite by Pendulum (retro drum ‘n’bass with lyrics...yeah, why not)
We Own the Night (a bitter taste to cut through the syrupy festive fare)
Erin O’Connor (tall, slim, ...
Along with the giving and receiving of official Cliff Richard calenders and morbid gluttony, Christmas is all about Simon Cowell getting personality-free dullards to number one with awful pretend-aspirational songs.
And that's no different this year. Leon Jackson, winner of X Factor and a young man so crushingly inarticulate that his primary method of communication is weeping, has been all but guaranteed this year's Christmas number one with his song I Believe or Believe In Me or When You Believe or I Preconceive That My Sleeve Believes Its Weave's Called Steve. Not only that, but When You Believe by Leon Jackson looks set to become the fastest-selling single of the year, selling 300,000 copies in less than a week. That's not the only record When You Believe's broken, either - it's also the only Christmas number one with a tune that nobody can remember even when they've just finished listening to it.
There are two things that soldiers enjoy - one is shooting foreigners and the other is watching hungover, coked-out amateur porn stars who used to be on a reality TV show slur out one halfhearted Bonnie Tyler cover version after another.
But that's not going to happen, because an American charity has decided that it doesn't want our new favourite good girl gone bad (or bad girl gone worse? Crap girl gone terrible?) Jessica Sierra to perform at a Washington Christmas tribute concert for US troops on Friday, thanks to her currently being held in custody for violating her parole in an embarrassingly drunk, vomit-stained, sexually-propositioning way, and also because of the imminent internet release of the grubby-looking Jessica Sierra sex tape.
But, undeterred, Jessica Sierra has vowed to help the army out in any way she can despite the concert snub, which is why this week she'll be offering sad-faced handjobs to crooked prison guards in return for donations to the war effort. Possibly.
