When Charlie Sheen went mental, it was briefly hilarious. Basically, he rambled on about tiger blood and being made of win like a man babbling nonsense shortly before his death. It was a glorious and gruesome spectacle for us blood-baying dimwits.

And then he went and spoiled it all by straightening himself out, going on tour and getting dumped by his two live-in girlfriends.

Gone was the chandelier punching, the suitcases of cocaine, the heart-pills and rock-eyed lunacy. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH! That’s because Sheeno’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has taken up the slack and gone drug-mental in his place!

Sadly for Brooke, she’s sorely lacking in catchphrases, so this story isn’t nearly as funny as Sheen’s. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to laugh though.

So what’s the rub?

Well, Brooke was arrested over the weekend in a nightclub on suspicion of assault and possession of cocaine with intent to distribute.

Get that? Sheen is clearly not paying her enough child-support money if she’s dealing coke. Sorry. We should rephrase that. Sheen clearly not dropping nuclear truth bombs of money into Brooke’s pocket of lose. WINNING. Tiger bl… oh forget it.

Reports say that Aspen Police Department officers were doing a routine walk-through at Belly Up Aspen when a woman reported that an assault had taken place. Police said a woman identified the culprit as Mueller and the police found her at the dance club Escobar.

She was probably having a nice dance to Pitbull or something.

The police say that Mueller faces a class-four felony charge of possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, and third-degree assault, a class-one misdemeanour. No. That means absolutely nothing to us either, but from what we can glean, it sounds like a really fun spectator sport.

A police spokesperson said…

“She’s obviously a person who attracts a lot of media attention, and we will handle this case just like we handle all cases… she’ll get treated like we treat everybody else.”

…to the press. That’s right, the press, who they usually talk to about all their cases. This is totally normal.

Mueller has form with this sort of this, having various stints in rehab, including time at an “extreme” rehab program in Mexico earlier this year. She was also escorted off a flight after being described as “belligerent.” Various reports alleged that she’d also been seen in a carpark with a crack-pipe and has also been trying to pawn jewelry for cash.

And yet, she still has custody of the twins. Just how awful a human must Charlie Sheen be if that’s the case?

At the moment, ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray is facing an uphill struggle in an American court as he and his team of lawyers attempt to prove he didn’t give Michael Jackson enough painkillers to take down a herd of elephants. The trial is barely getting started and we’re beginning to tire of boring experts telling us whether it was possible for Jackson to top himself.

Until surprise witnesses like the Cadburys Caramel Bunny are brought in for a testimony, we’re not really bothered about what’s happening.

However, in non-Michael Jackson criminal news, a ghoulish evening related to the king of pop is happening soon. That’s right, Hallowe’en is fast approaching. How about replicating Jackson’s famous ghostly pale appearance? Or going that extra mile and recreating his legendary wonky nose? You might think we’re taking a cheap shot at the Thriller video; but we’re not. He came up trumps according to search engine statistics.

People often accuse us of making childish jokes about Michael Jackson being an innocent paedophile, plying kids with wine and having a monkey as a pet but in reality, you people out there reading this are the ones that are sick in the head.

We know that the internet never lies.

Thanks to the world wide web, we’ve won the lottery more times than we can remember, had long lost Chinese ancestors inform us our next of kin wants to shower us with yen and best of all, we’re always offered free technology for clicking on a website at the right time! So how do we know about Jackson then? Someone cleverer than us used some kind of fancy-dan internet technology-searchy-majigger to find out.

With the results below, here’s why they would put the fear of God into any children who went trick or treating round their houses. And if you want to achieve the look, just follow our handy style advice:

1) Michael Jackson (31%)

Get someone who’s partially blind to butcher your hair, lightly smash your cheekbones with a claw hammer until that sunken in effect takes place and top off with a smearing of hooker lipstick. Or the innocent blood of children.

2) Katy Perry (25%)

Some people say women are fake creatures who hide behind layers of makeup, fake tan, hair extensions, enhanced boobs, botox and false nails. Katy Perry certainly proves how these tips and tricks can work wonders for you.

3) Charlie Sheen (14%)

Prepare for Halloween by spending the entire morning and afternoon snorting a bucket load of cocaine, #winning, drinking tiger blood and mincing around with porn stars, prostitutes and mistresses. It won’t tire you out at all. While you’re at it, you might as well have some cocaine for dinner too.

4) Barack Obama (12%)

If you searched “Barack Obama” + “costume” then you’re an idiot. Obama is the coolest bloke in the world; anyone attempting to cover themselves in shoe polish to vaguely look like him is an idiot.

5) Snooki (11%)

A picture says a thousand words.

6) Amy Winehouse (7%)

Looking zoned out on booze and drugs generally happens to people at the end of the night, so you may end up doing what Amy Winehouse did all of her career; beginning with promise and professionalism but ending as a tragic reminder of what social poisons do to you.

Just say no to the heroin, okay?

So there you have it, readers. Using our handy guide you too can look like your favourite celebrity nutjob this Hallowe’en.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

When hecklerspray do reviews, it’s usually of a national institution like the X Factor, The Apprentice or Nick Knowles Dusts The Natural History Museum. It’s very rare for us to see something on television and write about it unless it’s likely to spawn pseudo-celebrity targets for us. Why is that? We’re not a TV website.

It’s pretty much as simple as that.

Still, that brings us around neatly to Comedy Central’s brand new situation comedy Threesome which starts next week on the channel which actively encourages “Two & A Half Men”. Still, let’s not hold that against Threesome, which is the very first British sitcom to be commissioned by the channel.

Or should we? Let’s face it. A channel that bases so much of its daily programming in repeats of Two & A Half Men and the second worst sitcom ever made (Everybody Loves Raymond) surely won’t be able to make a sitcom that’s passable as anything more than a “cheap Coupling” or a “rotten Outnumbered”, so why should we provide them with any platform for their terrible programming decisions.

And yet… it was Comedy Central’s US parent that brought back Futurama.

Swings and roundabouts.

So now that the argument of bias against the network is neatly packed up into Charlie Sheen’s coke-case and dispatched to a forgotten part of the Colombian rainforest, what of Threesome? Does it stand up against the usual, painfully unfunny dross that spews forth from the urethra of British television channels like televisual kidney failure?

Yes, it does.

That is to say, it’s actually quite good. It’s sometimes easy to write off small group comedies as being a format that’s almost impossible to find new direction in but Threesome takes one night of drug-sodden lust and makes it the basis for a witty comedy which is both intelligent and utterly juvenile in equal measure.Ha

Having three 29 year olds living a life that is often the staple of this kind of comedy is a risk in the first place. The urge to switch off before even getting to five minutes is strong as you watch Richie, Alice and Mitch bounce around their lives like MDMA-riddled spinning tops, alternating between hungover and absolutely off their tits like a grown-up version of Skins. Quite literally on acid.

In saying that, the rapid characterisation of the first third of the show is a calculated risk in a show where one needs to make an almost instant connection to the characters. There’s no building up a like of the three friends. If you can’t find anything remotely likeable in them after ten minutes then turn off, go and make yourself a cup of tea and then tweet about how there aren’t any good British comedies any more while you pick flecked tissue out of your nose.

Given that the press shots ruin one of the few surprises in the show, prepare yourself for a spoiler. It’s a pregnancy story. The real question will be, after a strong first episode, will the characters fall into ‘comedy pregnancy’ stereotypes and lose their way in jokes about breastfeeding and Epidurals. The hope is that they won’t but the danger looms, omnipresent in every word of the last five minutes of the first episode and leaves the viewer praying that Threesome doesn’t end up shitting its undoubted potential up the wall.

The fact is that despite the accelerated characterisation and seeming flippancy of one of the most important events in the series, Threesome is a diverting half hour. It’s well shot, doesn’t rely on a laughter track and is well paced, not trying to cram too many jokes into a half hour and letting the situations provide the humour. Look out for Mitch going the wrong way up an escalator to see what we mean.

You can have a watch of episode one before its premiere on Comedy Central and decide for yourself. You don’t even have to have Sky. Which is nice.

Here’s some clips of the show:

No eye contact, no cock touching

Putting up flatpack furniture on drugs

America. Bless you for the insanely good things you’ve given the world. Muscle cars, hamburger joints, rock ‘n’ roll and television will always be your crowning glory and us Limeys will forever be in your debt.

However, your taste in television shows is awful. From a country (nay, virtual continent) that gave us Taxi, The Simpsons, M*A*S*H, Roots, Ren & Stimpy, The Muppet Show and more, what in Christ’s name are you doing frittering away your time with dross like Two And A Half Men?

Seriously. What’s with liking Two And A Half Men so much that it breaks network records? Eh? And don’t think we haven’t noticed how much you enjoy the unswerving dreck of The Big Bang Theory.

For some inexplicable reason, 28.74 million Americans tuned in to watch last night’s season premiere of Two And A Half Men.

Of course, there was a fair amount of curiosity surrounding the show because Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, was killed off, replaced by a soaking wet Ashton Kutcher. Nearly 29 million people actively stopped doing something to settle down with one of the worst TV shows ever aired.

The AV Club report that, aside from a few post-Super Bowl specials and couple of event programmes, last night’s …Men was one of highest rated scripted shows, ever. Ever, ever, ever. By the close of the show, audience figures grew to 30 million.

That’s lazy laughs from vaguely dirty jokes and a cast that is as dead behind the eyes as the Sheen which exited the show in such spectacular fashion.

Two And A Half Men is the kinda show that feels like a nursing home for misogynistic comedy, where we see three men resenting each other, filmed before a live laugh-track. Of course, some people love shows like this. They’re so insultingly one-dimensional and old-fashioned that they slip on like a comfortable pair of old socks.

But these rat-a-tat comedies keep gurgling out of America. Look at the irksome How I Met Your Mother fercryinoutloud! The aforementioned Big Bang… which has a running joke of Look How The Indian Character Talks Funny.

In Blighty, we air these shows in the mornings or tucked away on bit-part channels like E4. That’s the home for this dull-ass gag attacks. That’s not to say we’ve not been infected by this lowest common denominator comedy. My Family is written by an American style team of writers and, regrettably, The Inbetweeners is also ploughing the line of misogynistic nose-bag that everyone so loved in the ’70s.

All the mentioned shows employ a tactic of throwing as much as possible at a viewer and seeing what sticks. Effectively, it’s like standing before a muck spreader and waiting to be hit by a diamond.

Alas, with a huge chunk of America’s TV population tuning in for the new Two And A Half Men, you can’t but feel like they’ve invited it. The United States gets what it wants and, in this instance, the Ashton Kutcher they deserve.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Charlie Sheen, we barely knew ye. You were fun while it lasted, but alas, you can now slope off to the obscurity from whence you came because, the long and the short of it is, we’ve heard that you’re now “absolutely” sober.

We officially don’t care.

When we look at your list of achievements, not one of them includes a film of yours. We genuinely don’t like you as an actor. We like you as a drug taking, always drunk, sex-obsessed maniac, teetering on the lip of the yawning chasm of death. Not this.

Let us look at what made you so entertaining to write about in the first place.

You were discovered in a hotel room with a prostitute. You beat a chandelier up. You tried to have a polyamorous relationship and ballsed it up. You stood on top of a building, wobbling around with a machete. You told us you were made of tiger blood. You had a suitcase of cocaine. You had pills to keep your heart going. You cried while discovering the fourth dimension while watching Jaws on a boat. You made your ex-wife cry. You made a woman cry in a hotel room while she cowered in a cupboard.

And now? You’re in a “mellower” state and can’t remember exactly how long you’ve been free of drink and drugs?

On The Today Show’, Charlie said:

“I don’t really keep track of the time. It’s been a while. Things are a lot calmer. It’s a lot mellower.”

“I really don’t know what happened. It was one of those things where the planets were aligned, perfectly or imperfectly. I said some stuff and then it caught such traction globally and instantly that I couldn’t really put out the fire.

“From one moment to the next, I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was pretty exciting.”

It was exciting. It was really funny too. We thought you were going to die on us. We thought you’d keep us in laughs for a lifetime.

Then you went and realised that you were a real person with a family and sorted yourself out. Charlie, why did you bother? You were better to us all as a wreck.

You could have been somebody. Now you’re that guy from Hot Shots Part Deux.

RIP, sweet prince.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.

It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.

When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.

The actress who was apparently in that James Bond film (the one that everyone forgets about), wed the star of ‘Hot Shots’ and ‘Coke-Fuelled Porn Parties’ in 2002, but their marriage fell apart just three years later – and the couple briefly became bitter enemies, regularly developing nefarious schemes in order to see the other fall from a great height onto ACME explosives.

Now, six years later, the pair are friends and devoted parents to their daughters and appear to have put their acrimonious history behind them in the interest of publicity the children. The pair are often seen spending time together and Richards insists she will always put Sheen on a pedestal as a father, and she still thinks he’s one of the biggest influences in her life.

Presumably because he systematically ruined it for so long.

She told Ryan Seacrest’s Kiis-FM radio show,

“He gave me the two greatest gifts (in) our daughters! I really believe that people come in to our life, and we learn different things… I honestly believe that he has been one of my greatest teachers as far as life lessons. As painful as it all was I would do it all again because I have amazing children.”

There you go then. Apparently you can be a complete dick to someone as long as you impregnate them. Excellent advice for us all.

Denise Richards’ new film “Hey! Hey! Look At Me! I’m Over Here!” directed by Michael Bay will be out next summer.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Hey! What do you do when everyone’s stopped mockingly humouring you? If you’re Charlie Sheen, you continue babbling your gitspeak and start hanging around your ex and her crackpipe like that was the plan all along.

See, after trying to start some daft Shangri La, where he had two girlfriends at the same time (or goddesses as he demeaned dubbed them), it all fell about his ears when they realised what a massive ghoul he was.

And so, tail between his tottering legs, he started hanging around with his ex wife again, even though they had just got divorced. With no-one to go on holiday with, he thought he’d tap her up again because she’s just about the only person speaking to him currently (including his agent).

The couple decided that they’d have a nice time in Mexico, where the heroin is first rate. A veritable violent torpedo of romance you might say.

There, they booked the Presidential Suite which apparently costs $15,000 a night. Sheen presumably eyed up the chandelier and recalled the time when he first re-entered the public’s radar by beating one up while a young woman feared for her life while locked in a wardrobe.

At the swank hotel, they had a monkey butler and something oddly conceptual called an ‘infinity pool’, which is presumably perfect for drowning in.

The most boring source on Earth says of this ghoulish coupling:

“There were candles everywhere. They ate very healthy, local fish, salad, drank fruit juices. Charlie had arranged a chocolate molten cake with candles for dessert. It was beautiful.”

We can only hope they shared a needle of smack and fell into a loving coma for three days, before re-emerging to lovingly hold each other’s hair back while they puked up a pipe or two… because that’s more fun than what actually happened.

Boring shits.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Charlie Sheen keeps saying the word ‘winning’. Sadly for him, he isn’t and the word has now lost all meaning. He’s no longer a particular figure of fun, but rather, a sad man self-harming in public.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t berate him for no good reason. It’s not our fault he’s sick in the brains.

Mercifully for Sheen, public hostility has been at a minimum as he faced make-up wearing blouses at the Insane Clown Posse’s Gathering of the Juggalos where the god-fearing lamos showed the world that they throw like baby girls.

Sheen found that the Juggalos lived up to their make-up wearing lifestyle by gently lobbing things at the stage while he spoke. Charlie – a man who has the reaction time of a turning snail – managed to avoid every single missile thrown at him from the wimps in the throng.

And so, the Juggs resorted to simple booing. You can’t mess that up, right?

Wrong. See, Juggalos are so rubbish at booing that it can be misconstrued as a positive response. Sheen’s representative said:

“Charlie did not get booed off of the stage. The Juggalos were chanting ‘whoop- whoop,’ which is a show of love. Charlie Sheen did well in front of the Juggalos.”

“It was a huge response. He was tremendously received.”

They then added:

“There is no greater compliment to have garbage thrown at an artist. The crowd didn’t want him to leave.”

So next time you see your favourite celebrity, be sure to tip a trash can over their head. They’ll know that it means you love them, okay?

Anyway, here’s a video of thousands of Juggalos throwing things so badly that they may as well go and sit in a darkened room and try and work out the mystery of magnets.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Charlie Sheen may be duller than ditchwater these days, but it hasn’t always been like that. In fairness, it has mostly been like that, but there was that glorious month when he completely lost his mind and we all laughed at him.

It all started getting good when he KOed a chandelier in a hotel while a woman trembled with fear, crying in a washroom cupboard. What made it better was that his children and ex-wife were just across the hall, staying quiet and low like they were hiding in an air-raid bunker.

Well, Sheeno wasn’t happy about that evening (despite having a whole heap of fun by the sounds of it) and decided to take out a lawsuit against the terrified women in the closet – Capri Anderson. Now, it appears, he’s not so keen to lay a legal smackdown on her ass. Why?

Charlie has whistled while sloping away quietly from a lawsuit against Capri, the bongo film actress whom Sheen had alleged tried to extort $1 million from him after a “consensual encounter” at NYC’s Plaza Hotel… not to mention the notion that Sheen had that she’d swiped a $165,000 watch of his.

Charlie promptly went about venting his fist-shaped spleen on everything in his hotel room while hammered and naked. He was later hospitalized.

Anderson later said that Sheen had grabbed her by the throat and threatened to kill her, which despite being thrilling like fiction, was denied by the ‘actor’.

However, everyone is walking away from the lawsuit now, hopefully because Capri is threatening to spill the beans on something that she knows about Charlie which is really really really damning and weird. We hope its that because, inevitably, she’ll come out and talk about it anyway.

Meanwhile, the show that Sheen starred in at the time – Two and a Half Men – is definitely severing ties with Sheenola. Basically, the writers are going to kill Charlie.

We’re hoping he drives a car off a cliff, just like the way Sheen did in real life not that long ago. Or indeed, if the killing-off is based on reality, it’d be great if a chandelier took its revenge on Sheen’s character by kicking him senseless toward a tiger cage where the actor will learn first hand about ‘Tiger Blood’.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Big Brother has always split the UK into two camps: Those that don’t like it and those that don’t watch it. And now that (Channel) Five have gone and bought it, many of us will wearily switch on our sets just to get angry for an hour every night.

And like the Big Brothers that came before it, this one has the usual ragtag of celebrities being linked to it before it airs.

The biggest name attached is Charlie Sheen, who was of interest some months ago because it looked like he was going to kill himself with his own madness. The whole world went on some kind of post-modern suicide watch, egging him on toward death, failing to show the required remorse until he actually joined the choir invisible. Alas, he went and fixed himself and went back to being a boring nobody. However, there is hope. We’ll use Michael Barrymore as our guide.

Thanks to the death of a certain Mr Lubbock in Barrymore’s swimming pool, he retreated away from the glare of the spotlight until he made his return to television in the Big Brother house.

Barrymore revealed himself to be a fragile, broken and at times, deeply unpleasant trainwreck of a man. It made for grim, fascinating viewing (especially the sparring matches with George ‘Pussy’ Galloway).

While some viewed it aghast, most people simply tuned and went ‘Hur hur, he’s a nutter’. This is the card now being played with Charlie Sheen.

See, Barrymore was off the sauce as is Sheeno (well, not the sauce, but rather, the expensive cocaine delivered by the suitcase load), which means we could well see someone unravelling before our eyes. Again.

And the ex-Two and a Half Men’er is understood to have agreed terms which will see him getting £6million to simply be himself and go slightly mad.

He could well be joined by The Only Way Is Essex skidmark Amy Childs, boxer Ricky Hatton and… wait for it…  the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.

Of course, there’s nothing confirmed yet apart from the likelihood that millions will tune in for Big Brother on the opening night before sloping away en-masse to do something entirely different.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Denise Richards is a woman created by teenage boy’s minds. That’s exactly why Charlie Sheen shacked up with her. And of course, what with Richards being the world’s greatest wit, she has a lot to say about her appearance.

Basically, she’d like to make the arrested developed among you excited by talking about her boobies and the fact she was a lesbian briefly.

Next, she’ll be talking about how much she likes playing video games and having sex with jobless layabouts with bad acne who live off 10p crisps.

A while back, Denise Richards wanted new boobs. So she packed herself off to the surgeon and guess what?! He went and gave her even bigger boobs! How astonishing!

She says:

“I was getting ready to film ‘Wild Things,’ and I didn’t want to get into a lawsuit with some plastic surgeon. It wasn’t right what the doctor did, but it is what it is.”

And so, she went and got a third boob job to sort them out. This was all a harrowing experience right? WRONG! That’s because she took her newer breasticles and wapped ‘em out in Playboy. Apart from the money and clearly being incredibly needy of attention, why would she do such a thing?

“I wanted to encourage women that it’s OK to embrace your sexuality even though you’re a mom. At the same time, I was having some problems in my marriage [to Charlie Sheen] and I didn’t feel sexy and felt I had to prove something.”

So remember kids: If you’re feeling unsexy, the best course of action is to flash everyone, okay? Good. Even if it is spurred on by being rejected by that dead-eyed bloke from Hot Shots. But no matter, because you can always have a lesbian affair with a famous woman.

“I’m going to name everyone in Hollywood! You would know who she is.”

“I just met her through friends and work and stuff… I was just curious. We were curious. We wanted to see… she was a girly-girl. She’s beautiful. She was more the aggressor.”

If you stick your head out of the window, close your eyes and listen very carefully, you’ll hear the sound of hundred of young men thudding to their knees in their sticky bedrooms.

You’re welcome.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Apart from the fact Charlie Sheen is a dead-eyed berk with a bizarrely high opinion of himself and a nose that can really handle corrosive high grade drugs, willing to sniff out furniture to punch and women to upset, why on Earth would his former lover, Bree Olson, want to leave him?

She didn’t feel comfortable sharing him with his other girlfriend.

That’s right! The former Two and a Half Men set up this little bubble for himself where he got to have two girlfriends at once. An open relationship in other words. Of course, he couldn’t let it go without meme-ing it, titling the girls his ‘goddesses’. And so porn star Olson and nanny Natalie Kenly became his unit… and the porn star decided she didn’t like the idea of Sheen having sex with someone else. Crikey.

It seems that Olson, who has a lot of sex with people for money, didn’t like the thought of sharing her life with a man who wanted to have sex with someone else.

She says:

“His assistant said, ‘So you know about Natty (Kenly), right? Charlie did tell you about Natty?’ I had no idea. When I got to the house my jaw dropped. I was like, ‘Wow. This is his girlfriend. This is so weird.’ Charlie said, ‘Now all three of us can be together.’ I was like, ‘Wow. OK. Let’s see how this goes’…”

Of course, the way it went was seething jealousy.

“She (Kenly) would spend the whole time fighting for attention and boast about things she had done like cleaning the dishes. She would get very upset and she would cry a lot… I would never try it again – with two girls and one guy in a relationship. However cool a girl tries to say she is about it, jealousy is a natural human reaction.”

While this all seems very plausible, one must ponder that, a relationship like this may well work a treat… provided that there is a complete absence of Charlie Sheen in it.

Hooting simpletons and the emotional requirement for a successful relationship rarely work. Especially those revolving around cocaine and shouting TIGER BLOOD at everyone.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Brooke Mueller, a woman who was daft enough to have children with Charlie Sheen and rather fond of crack-pipes, may well be thinking of getting back with the former Two And A Half Men chump (once the divorce goes through, confusingly enough), but that doesn’t mean she has to be nice to people on planes.

Mueller got into a spot of bother with the crew of a United jet from L.A. to Cancun (where, we’re told, the crack is AMAZING) and ended up exiting a flight early.

Sadly, she didn’t open the door mid-flight and end up sucking all the passengers out of the plane til there was nothing left but screaming specks on the horizon.

Sources say that Brooke wasm kicking up a stink while sat on a plane, which is exactly what everyone needs before a flight takes off… palms sweating… nervous about being so high in the sky… certain that you’re about to die in a massive fireball into the sea… certain death.

Ahem.

As this particular flying death trap was about to tootle away from the gate, Brooke decided to tell everyone how nauseous she felt. Withdrawal symptoms or remembering Charlie Sheen naked? You decide. Anyway, said she needed to go to the bathroom and the flight attendant told her to sit her sorry behind down.

That’s when things got a little heated.

Brooke insisted on telling everyone that she needed to puke (nice) and, hilariously, the flight attendant abruptly replied with:

“Tough.”

Mueller went nuts and demanded that they let her get off the plane. The crew were all too happy to chuck the mental witch onto the tarmac.

A witness says:

“[Brooke was] belligerent and cussing out the flight attendant”

That said, as irritating as Mueller clearly is, at least she’s not a crying baby. Sadly, there is still no law which allows us to throw those defecating, wailing ogres out of windows at thousands of feet.

Ah well.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Hey! You know how we thought that Charlie Sheen had gone boring and stopped taking all those lovely, mind-wrecking Class A drugs? Well, we might be in with a bit of luck here because it seems that he’s planning on consuming a lot more, which means he might go mental and die!

See, Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller have been piddling about with a custody agreement concerning some kids that no-one really gives two hoots about… and in this agreement, both have agreed that neither of this depressing duo should have to undergo random drug tests. Or organised drug tests. Or whatever other find of invasive, eye-watering drug tests there may be.

So are they both planning on being absolute drug wrecks, for the sake of their children? Well, mommy and daddy are awfully dull when they’re not throwing up their fix from the crackpipe or filled to the lid on coke while berating a chandelier.

The trustworthy source that is TMZ (stop laughing – they told us Michael Jackson had joined the invisible choir before anyone else did, so they MUST tell the truth) reported that Brooke was photographed last week, caressing what appeared to be a crack pipe.

They also saw her parked up in a dodgy part of Hawaii (the kind of place Dog The Bounty Hunter likes to run at speed, wind flowing through his acrylic hair), parked up in a car with cash in hand.

And of course, Sheeno is a rehab veteran who likes nothing more than tooting so much drugstuff that his blood becomes thinner than starved mop.

Through all this, we have some little kids who must be thrilled because, with each homewrecking activity, there’ll be the inevitable guilt and hollow apology where they’ll be showered with clammy-affection and gifts.

It really is win-win.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

You know that Taylor Momsen, that teenage girl who acts seems to spend most of her life acting like a bit of a slag, wearing too much eye makeup and singing in that band that you still haven’t heard of? Well she’s been up to her old tricks again.

The Pretty Reckless singer, who used to be some sort of television star had previously gotten her underage baps out at a gig, gave a rather steamy lapdance to a female fan at a gig in Barcelona and even allowed another fan to give her chesticles a good ol’ fashioned grope.

ROCK N’ ROLL!

It’s probably worth pointing out that Momsen is still only 17. So don’t try looking for a video of the alleged incident, unless you want to find yourself on the sex offender’s register.

Taylor has managed to pack a lot in to her brief period of teenage rebellion; As we previously stated, she bared her breasts during a live show, cremated her dog’s testicles, accused her parents of ruining her life before making a U-turn that would make a politician blush and now she’s started engaging in sexual activity with her own fans.

We can’t help but wonder where all this is heading though. We can only assume that the second Momsen turns 18 she’s going to host an orgy the likes of which even Charlie Sheen wouldn’t be able to comprehend.

One thing’s for sure though, Taylor’s latest lewd incident isn’t going to hurt ticket sales for The Pretty Reckless’ current European Tour, which is where the Barcelona Boob Grope took place. In fact, you probably stopped reading this ages ago so you could check the dates for the tour, didn’t you?

After all, who cares about the feelings of a young girl who’s grown up way too fast and is obviously crying out for some sort of help when she can be used as both a cash cow AND jailbait wank bank material!?

You make us sick.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!