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Do The Beatles hate people in wheelchairs? John Lennon was always ‘spazzing’ during the Fab Four’s shows in the 60s wasn’t he? Is there some kind of ablist agenda with the group? Surely not? Surely that can’t be right?
Executives at Apple Corps, which is the company set up by the assorted members of Mop Tops, have taken up a dispute with a load of wheelchairs.
And the wheelchairs didn’t stand a chance in the face of the might that is The Most Famous Band Who Ever Lived.
It really is heartwarming that our beloved Royal family have decided to take some absolutely typical Normal Just Like You And Me Pleb Citizens under their swannish wing, eh? Thank Christ for the Middletons.
The very normal Middletons are just like us, they really are. Apart from being already wealthy, having a penchant for wax jackets, having toilets made of diamonds and the whole Pot Noodle Doesn’t Make Up 90% Of Their Diet thing.
And of course, Pippa Middleton is unique and special because she has a famous posterior which, astonishingly, went skiing in Sweden without melting the snow with sexy vibes. How does she do it?!
Bored of sitting on their arses in separate palaces, eating swan pate and beating servants, the Queen, Kate Middleton and Camilla Parker Bowles decided to go on a raucous girls’ night out at Fortnum & Mason’s, where they ate indestructible biscuits, and Kate practiced her bending down to smile at children skills.
Once inside, away from the cameras, we can only assume that various nubile members of Fortnums staff were forced to strip naked and throw foie gras at each other while the royal wenches laughed and laughed.
All wearing blue jackets to cover their crudely printed “Windsor Gals ON THA LASH!” t-shirts, they embarked on a short meet and greet where Kate Middleton smiled at literally four or five carefully selected cute children, and Camilla managed to go ten minutes without actually snarling at anyone, which is nice.
Since proving last week that she is perfectly capable of walking, talking and waving unaided by more than a medium-sized entourage Kate Middleton, the new Princess of Hearts, has been really earning her keep.
Walking, talking and waving is such super super hard work, make no mistake. Our Kate, Princess of Hearts, won’t have anyone saying she’s lazy and workshy: she took photos of her parents’ balloons once and don’t you forget it, you worthless scumbag single mother prole.
Kate’s recent solo walking, talking and waving mission took her to a school in Cambridge, where she also demonstrated some serious bending down and smiling at kids skills. And get this; she was doing it in a cheap dress! That’s right, she got her dress in the sales, just like a common person! It was only £162.50, and what can you get for £162.50 nowadays? Practically nothing (except, you know, food for a family of four for a week). Well done, Kate, for being so thrifty!
Kate Middleton is now a blueblood. She’s married into the Royal Family, which gives her special dispensation from the law. She’s probably allowed to kill people and run over vicars with combine harvesters while setting fire to piles of tyres and griffins.
HOWEVER. She’s not like the rest.
Y’see, our Kate is willing to not only walk around us plebscum, but also, do it wearing clothes that you can buy from shops. Seriously. Someone should beatify her now…. if they do Protestant beatification that is.
How are your ears? Like having them? They’re great for holding your glasses up aren’t they? Pierced them? How nice. Alas, there’s one drawback with ears – you can hear stuff. Yep, all manner of useless dreck can creep in their and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Unless you stuff the canal with liquid concrete and then lop them off with cigar clippers.
And you may want to do exactly that because the most appalling news has come our way – Paris Hilton is making a pop comeback and she’s teaming up with zany-irony gobblers and ear-wormers, LMFAO. If you don’t know what that means, let us draw out the horror.
It’s always nice when a grotesquely wealthy person goes to visit poor people. It gives them an ideal opportunity to perfect their worried, moved facial expressions. We’ve seen it with Angelina Jolie as she globetrots to the scrubbers.
And now, Paris Hilton is taking time out of her busy holidaying schedule to go and cry at some orphans in Bali.
That’s nice of her isn’t it? She was probably wearing make-up which cost more than all the orphans had ever possessed in their short, miserable lives. Still, CHARITY!
Remember Daphne and Celeste? They were cool weren’t they? They went to the Reading festival and out-punked the punks. They did the right thing and quit after their brief success.
Someone else who remembers Daphne and Celeste is Madonna.
How so? Well, her new single, which has been leaked online like an open pus-sore, sounds just like ‘em! Or, if you prefer, it sounds like something Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas would put out and subsequently be ashamed of. Wanna hear it?
