The curse of Celebrity Big Brother is rearing its ugly head again as former contestants and professional divorcees Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton announce that they think they’re ready to reproduce.

Jordan’s former fella spread the word via one of those glossy lady rags that you see in your dentist’s waiting room, but would never pick up because there’s a picture of Alex Reid on the cover trying his best to look like he’s still a cage-fighter…

…or vaguely relevant.

According to Reid, who’s been dating Chantelle for less than 6 months, Houghton is, “the one.” He didn’t clarify whether he meant romantically or in more of an intellectual capacity, but for arguments sake we’ll just assume he meant he’s willing to spend the rest of his life with a woman who secretly arranged for photographers to follow her and her ex, Rav Wilding, around, just so that she’d get some column inches.

The lawyers have informed us that we should probably point out that it’s only alleged that Chantelle had the paparazzi follow her around, but let’s be honest, we all know it was true.

So, with a cross dressing cage fighter and an equally imbecilic former Paris Hilton impersonator for parents, what can we expect from this imminently arriving celebrity sprog?

First off, upon exiting the womb the baby will be expected to sign an exclusivity deal with both OK! Magazine and Channel 5, ensuring that every word, step, burp and bowel movement will be documented live for our entertainment. It’ll be like the Truman Show, but with a disturbing sexual undertone.

Secondly, the baby is going to be stupid and we blame the parents. Let’s face it, Reid and Houghton have probably spent more time on a sun bed than they have curled up with a good book.

Thirdly, it’s inevitable that Alex and Chantelle, or Alelle as we are now to call them, will be voted as celebrity parents of the year. Despite the fact the child was quite obviously just a PR stunt that they’ll end up dumping 6 months later, like the proverbial kitten in a sack.

Good luck Alex and Chantelle. May the fruit of your loins be every bit as charismatic and loveable as you are.

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Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!

Right. That’s it. Big thanks to Kris for manning the twitter account. Follow hecklerspray and Kris’ personal account, as well as Editor Mof for more BB bile. We’re done here. Thanks to the 4 people who read along. We love to haaaate yoooou…

10.25pm Diva = Repeatedly saying the phrase ‘Welcome Pack’. For fuck’s sake.

10.23pm Fuck a duck indeed. Housemate given secret task on first night. How tedious.

10.22pm “It smells like brand new carpets.” Katona there, talk about her vagina.

10.21pm HERE COMES THE TWIST! WACO! WACO! WACO!

10.20pm When do those fuckers from HolyMoly (they’re owned by the same company as BB these days while we’re owned by chippy in Hull) come on telly? We want to seethe with jealousy at them, manifesting as undiluted hate.

10.18pm Our Kris is still gallantly manning the twitter feed despite being so drunk that he’s made George Best’s ghost cry.

10.16pm A Big Brother twist? They’re going to recreate Waco and get the FBI to set it on fire with everyone in while Charlton Heston shouts at them pretending to be God Almighty?

10.15pm Tiger coat. Panda shoes. Is it an endangered ensemble?

10.14pm We were going to make a joke about Jedward losing their virginity, but they’ve invariably already lost it. To each other.

10.12pm Just wait ’til Big Brother splits these little odious turds up. You know damn well it’s going to happen. There’ll be tears.

10.11pm There you go! NEW HOUSEMATE! SIAMESE TWINS, JEDWARD!

10.10pm Bobby Sabel. So famous that a) He doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. b) Tara didn’t tell him the door story.

10.08pm GO ON BRIAN! GET HIM WANKED!

10.07pm Bobby Sabel? NEW HOUSEMATE WHO WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF! Oh put your knickers back on you disgusting perverts.

10.06pm Has Paddy been arrested for punching all of Tara Reid’s teeth out?

10.04pm “A panicked runner just discovered all of Tara Reid’s consonants in her dressing room” says Laurence on Twitter

10.01pm Two more? That’d be Jedward then? Oh god, we hope so. Imagine. Imagine Tara Reid‘s stroke face trying to compute those little bastards. She’ll think it’s like a Dr Seuss book has come to life! She’ll sleep with her eyes open as a result. Jedward will break her. Then spitroast her.

10pm How many more of these divs have we got to go in?

9.58pm How much polyfiller has been used on Mrs Hoff’s face since she did that interview?

9.57 NEW HOUSEMATE! PAMELA! IT’S PAMMY! No. Not Pamela Anderson! IT’S THE HOFF’S WIFE! NO! WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER EVER EITHER! AND WE’RE PAID TO PAY ATTENTION TO THESE NO MARKS!

9.56 To be nice for once, Brian Dowling looks like he’s been doing this for years doesn’t he? The Mint trained him well.

9.54 On Twitter, Kris points out this out at  Lucian Thundercunt “David Beckham gave me the inspiration to be an actor.” You DO know he’s a footballer, right?”

9.52 Lucian Laviscount. That’s who it is. We all know now don’t we? Nope. Either way, he will absolutely end up rubbing his long, thin penis up the back of Amy Childs while she sleeps.

9.50pm A NEW HOUSEMATE! IT’S LUCIAN LOVINGCUNT OR SOMETHING!

9.49pm THOSE MASSIVE LEGS AGAIN!

9.46pm Sorry. What in fuck’s name is the new Haribo commercial about? Someone should be taken to a public square and flogged to death for that. No, sod that. Everyone involved – including the children – should be whipped with bike chains.

9.44pm It’s going to be great when half of this lot fall off the wagon. Sadly, no-one will be watching by this point. Oh well.

9.42pm “I’m going to stir it up a bit” or, as it’s know, get picked on by younger, more spiteful minor celebrities.

9.40pm NEW HOUSEMATE – SALLY BERCOW (us neither)

9.38pm The look of terror on Amy Childs’ face on seeing Lyons is brilliant. She knows he’s got her over a barrel. Who’s she been humping? (Who hasn’t she been shagging etc)

9.36pm Hopefully, Mr Paparazzi will have some amazing shit on everyone. Hopefully, Five will have the nuts to actually air it. And listen to the boos from the very people who line his bastard pockets. Stupid piss cloths.

9.35pm NEW HOUSEMATE ALERT! DARREN LYONS! HE’S A MASSIVE TWAT!

9.33pm “it appears that she’s [Tara Reid] speechless with rage. Or is that the tranquilizers?” says ‘sprays number one fan Alexandra

9.31pm What are the odds of a sexual assault having already taken place in the BB House? Too far?

9.30pm “Trust Amy Childs to be the only person in the UK who knows who Paddy is without being told” says our Kris on twitter. He’s actually doing really well for someone who is watching a football match at the same time.

9.26pm Look at this fucking gargoyle. YOU. You created her. Not us. YOU. You bastards.

9.25pm ANOTHER STINKING HOUSEMATE – AMY FROM THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX

9.25pm “A note to the police. Paddy Doherty is now of a fixed abode. You know what to do.” says our twitter account

9.21pm OOOOH! Paddy Doherty! We see now. He won’t last long, unless he knocks someone out. Which he will. Then he’ll cry like a big bitch. Do travellers even have landlines so they can vote for him?

9.20pm NEW HOUSEMATE – Mthmnem Nmmnamnth

9.15pm Okay. So we know that the immense git that is Mr Paparazzi will be going in with his stupid pink hair and face like a withered ankle. But Baywatch star? It won’t be Pamela Anderson. Erika Elenak (or whatever she’s called) surely? Jedward are, of course, in the house. We told you that yesterday.

9.14pm Nice to see Tara and Kerry getting on with each other. NOT (possibly not the last Wayne’s World joke we’ll make here)

9.13pm Jesus. Tara Reid is about as warm as Robert Pattinson‘s cock in an ice-pop.

9.11pm Didn’t Tara Reid just get married? What a shitty honeymoon if so. A fellow viewer is already hoping to see “her weird boobs”.

9.10pm SECOND HOUSEMATE – TARA REID

9.08pm Over at our twitter account, it says: “As if she wasn’t annoying enough, she’s got Swagger Jagger as her entrance music. If she was a wrestler she’d be gone after a week.”

9.07pm Kerry Katona there, saying she’s shat herself. Great. This is going to be hugely jarring. And listen! It’s Swagger Jagger as well, just to rub shit-caked glass into our already open wound.

9.06pm FIRST HOUSEMATE – KERRY KATONA

9.05pm The Big Brother crowd there, cheering at furniture. The stupid dicks.

9.03pm Nice that Marcus Bentley got his job back. It really couldn’t be done by anyone else could it? Dowling is rather likeable too. That said, give us a couple of minutes and we’ll be spitting bile at him.

9pm Here we go! The prick factory turns its cogs again!

8.59pm WHAT WERE THOSE LEGS ABOUT?!

8.58pm *sings* She’s got Betty Davis’ chin…

8.57pm DON’T GET EXCITED! THAT’S A FUCKING ORDER! We’ve got a stupid news bulletin first.

8.52 Did anyone else see Dom Littlethingy on Through The Keyhole, mournfully talking about how desperately single he is and how he might move to New York? Yeah. Like the dating scene in NYC isn’t ferocious and keenly fought.

8.48pm New Cowboy Builders may have dramatic music, but we’re really, really not feeling it here. Dom Littlewhatsit is about as frightening as a kitten being kissed by a butterfly.

8.46 Okay. Now we’ve turned over. New Cowboy Builders eh? Five are really spoiling us tonight aren’t they? Still, nice of Brian Dowling to show up in the adbreak and get cut off before he’s finished speaking. It’s just like Channel 4, eh?

8.44pm We’re not actually watching Five yet. We’re on a channel called Really (yes, really) and there’s people making haircuts that look like bikes, carousels and dollhouses. Honestly. It’s like taking the worst drugs ever.

8.42pm Are you following us on twitter? Our giant Indian man, Kris, is manning the account and he’s a vile, vile human guaranteed to get us in trouble with the law at some point this evening. Click here to follow us.

8pm Well, you’re eager aren’t you? What on Earth could you want from us now?

Big Brother is back in a week’s time and some people (notably the people who work for Channel Five and Holy Moly) are getting very, very excited! However, all is not well at the BB house as our exclusive pictures show!

Pictures have been released of the new Big Brother house and many have cooed about how glamorous it looks (with others shrugging and thinking that it kinda looks like any other BB House).

However, what Endemol, makers of the show, aren’t telling anyone is that the show is danger of being cancelled after it was found that the Elstree studio has been infested with weasels!

Alongside the bright living room, modern furniture and spiral staircase, producers found that the first housemates through the door were a family of weasels.

While experts try to decide whether or not the squatters are pine martens (which are protected, unlike weasels who it’s rumoured will be killed ‘without prejudice’ by former BBer Makosi with her bare hands), producers of the show are weighing up hiring the scavengers as potential housemates.

A source told hecklerspray:

“These creatures are posing a big problem for the producers. On one hand, they quite like the idea of sending in someone like Kerry Katona or Jedward to live side-by-side with the animals. It’ll be Big Brother meets Springwatch. However, they’re worried that viewers won’t be thrilled at the idea of having this disgusting, brainless vermin ruining the reputation of a perfectly nice woodland creature.”

Celebrity Big Brother begins on Thursday, August 18 at 9pm on Five, and here are our exclusive, absolutely real photos of the weasels in residence inside the Big Brother house.

This is all 100% true and, in unrelated news, next week we’ll be advertising for someone who is half decent at photoshop.

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It’s been a roller-coaster week, what with red-top tabloids revealing that Charlie Sheen is DEFINITELY going into the Big Brother house only for his reps to categorically deny it and the papers going all quiet only to reveal that Pamela Anderson is DEFINITELY going in only for her reps to probably deny it as of this morning as well.

Well, we can all play that game and hecklerspray can exclusively announce the full list of within-Channel-Five-budget celebrities who are DEFINITELY going into the awful Big Brother house this year!

Although we might go a bit quiet tomorrow.

So.

Here we go then.

Here’s the exclusive list of contestants leaked by ‘a source’ who may work at Endemol. Or Five. Or not. We don’t have to say. They’re simply ‘a source’ and you have to trust them…

…right?

Here are the contestants for Celebrity Big Brother 2011:

1. Barry Scott, Cillit Bang enthusiast. Entirely fictional embittered bellower Barry is keen for a return to the limelight since the News of the World hacked his phone with the startling revelation that he was “more of a Cif man, myself” resulting in him being dropped from the lucrative advertising campaign.

2. Bob Carolgees, Alleged ‘Entertainer’. Following the mesmerising slo-mo nervous breakdown of Les Dennis, we have high hopes for the mental disintegration of another barely-heard-of light entertainer. Reports that glove-puppet/emotional crutch Spit the Dog also attending are unconfirmed.

3. Whigfield.

4. Lucy Robinson Off Of ‘Neighbours’. No, The Second One. Around about 1987, Lucy went away for a school trip or something, and came back two-foot taller with a different face and voice, thus alarming every viewer who was a pre-pubescent about to go on a school trip. Sasha Close is her name, possibly the palest Australian ever.

5. Andy Crane, Television ‘Personality’. The man whose life Phillip Schofield stole. Currently lingering on some God-forsaken local radio show in Manchester.

6. Terence Trent D’Arby, Prince-Lite. Terry is fully expected to break into an a capella version of ‘If You Let Me Stay’ each time he is put up for eviction in the most embarrassing manner possible.

7. Bruno Brooks, ex-D.J. You know those dreadful in-house ‘radio stations’ that play in your super-market? They’re his fault. Vote him out. Him and his gaspingly dreadful mullet.

8. The Mental Bloke Who Collects Glasses In My Local. Tolerated by the staff due to the free-of-charge labour.

9. Ace, worst Doctor Who assistant ever. Dreamt-up to make Sylvester McCoy look ‘hip’. She was called ‘Ace’. She wore a metal-plated baseball cap. Christ. Sophie Aldred’s career has never recovered.

10. Gaz Out Of Supergrass. Not content with musical mediocrity, unsuccessfully selling the Toyota Yaris or being turned-down for ‘background artist’ work on ‘Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes’, Gareth is now going to grate you with this as well.

The obligatory big-name American star has yet to be confirmed, but Scott Martin “Wassup” Brooks who played the coveted role of “Dookie” in the tiresome Budweiser advertisement – you know, the really ‘funny’ one that featured a load of nobodies saying “wassup” until you relented and just bought some BEER – is rumoured to be in the frame.

Distressingly, some or all of the above may turn out to be true. Bruiser de Cadenet has also been said to have been sniffing around the set. You have been warned.

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It’s not fair. The prospect of Channel 5’s Big Brother is now becoming dangerously real, and here is the most concrete proof of what is set to be a terrible, terrible Autumn. Any means of escape is effectively now void.

If you try and turn the channel over, all you will find is a botched version of Kelly Rowland clapping along to a burns victim in harem pants on X Factor instead.

As if Kelly hadn’t caused enough problems in the world, she allowed more hell to be released into the ether today, when an annoyingly large number of ex-housemates turned up on a field to sing an altered version of her song ‘When Love Takes Over’, to ‘When Bruv Takes Over’ for the new C5 trailer. It’s not fair.

Yet it was less than a year ago, where Nikki Grahame and co. were vacuum-packed into funeral outfits and gathered to mourn the death of Big Brother on a presumably better funded Channel 4 advert. Yet now she’s on Channel 5 – holding hands with a lesbian, like it’s the most natural thing in the world (anyone who says it is perfectly natural, ask yourself this: Have you ever seen a lesbian with hands? Didn’t think so).

So what now, they’re all just back? Back and apparently relevant to someone or other in the warped parallel universe? That’s not just slightly bad continuity, that’s Fast and the Furious bad continuity.

In a nutshell, the trailer basically features many people you simply didn’t want to see again,  marching down corridors wildly grinning at the cameras, fondling their orifices, like the good old days.

Some of the more interesting moments involve Chantelle and Alex Reid inserting their hands up each others rectums, (just in case you didn’t know they were a couple now) Kemal with the most beautiful set of breasts you’re ever likely to see on a human man, Mutya Buena, Eugene the Crying Virgin, Alex, the one that appeared on the Domestos adverts for a while (AND ALSO HIT AND KILLED A MAN IN HIS CAR ONCE, FACT FANS) and Ahmed, who is a man that once stood in a garden on National Television – screaming and throwing plates at people until he was forcibly removed from the building.

Just when you thought that you couldn’t be sobbing into your own, pruned, swollen skin quite hard enough, H FROM STEPS turns up to join in the action, striding alongside Michelle Bass like it’s bloody CD:UK or something.

So there it is. Big Brother is officially back whilst Fort Boyard lies dead, abandoned, and curdling in the corner. Justice is no longer a word.

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Big Brother is over kids and now, Channel 4 will be in a flap about what they can show in the summer of 2011. Knowing the broadcaster, they will opt for either flogging countless repeats of Friends, Come Dine With Me or Sex In the City.

Over the course of the time it was on our screens, the once social experiment has changed from the evolvement of human situation to peak time viewing of a woman/beast wanking herself off with a bottle.

Once Big Brother 2010 finished, the “ultimate” edition was launched. Basically, it was a chance for fame hungry ex contestants to throw themselves in the limelight before getting their tits out in Zoo Magazine. Again. Preston and Chantelle found love in the house, divorced in the real world and amazingly reunited back in the house. See where this is going?

It looks like these old flames saw a flickering light that could spark off a second romance, forcing their hearts to pump extra blood round the body and in to Preston’s flaccid member. And there’s a fine chance we’ll see it all unfurl on our screens all over again.

Fans of fly on the wall documentaries – or spying on couples in their tacky houses whilst they argue and brawl – has become a past time of ITV2. We’ve had Katie Price and Peter Andre and erm… Katie Price with Alex Reid. Funny, it’s like she’s going through men on reality shows like a drunk ploughs through kebabs.

On the flip side, MTV decided to give us all a glimpse in to the life of the human train wreck, otherwise known as Kerry Katona. Watching a distressed woman getting drunk, shouting at her husband, shouting at children and shouting at imaginary oompa lumpas did get a bit tiresome after a couple of weeks.

So here comes a refreshing break to this format, a glimpse of the fragile and possible relationship between a couple who have already milked the magazine market.

But there is a problem:

“Nothing will be decided until the two Big Brother stars have had a chance to talk in private and discuss whether there is a future for them as a couple. Inside the house, it was clear Chantelle hadn’t moved on from her split with Preston and she couldn’t take the pressure of being so close to her ex, breaking down in tears numerous times when talking about their time together.”

For God’s sake, we all know that this is another tie-in for ITV to frantically put something in the air that isn’t Fearne Cotton.

After giving us an incite in to the world of bell-end Perez Hilton, we can now see a couple forcefully united on national television and crumble before our eyes. If this isn’t the way forward for TV then let us lead the way in to jumping off bridges.

Alternatively ITV, just come and film the exciting world of hecklerspray writers. Here, you can see us shout abuse at pensioners who haven’t died and clog up the bus, survive on microwave meals and look for mistakes in porn films.

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Big Brother is great isn’t it? It gets a bunch of humans and puts them in a completely unrealistic situation and slowly watches them wither away like banded haemorrhoids. The latest, and quite possibly the quickest person to have her mental blood supply cut off is Chantelle who, in 2 days, has done a lot of weeping.

This is all thanks to the Big Brother producers taking someone who is, essentially, a very sweet but ultimately dim girl, and locked them in a house with their ex husband. That isn’t cruel at all is it?

And now, just as predicted, the old feelings have come back leaving Chantelle broken, emotional and soon-to-be jaded with the world.

Brian Dowling asked Chantelle about her feelings for ex-husband Preston, with the caveat of ‘stop me if you think I’m being inappropriate’, he asked her whether or not she was worried that being in the house with Preston would make her fall for him all over again.

“Yeah, a little bit. It does, yeah,” she replied. “I was really upset yesterday… but today I’m okay. But I haven’t spent more than five hours in Preston’s company in three years, since 2007, and I probably saw him twice for probably half an hour to sort documents out. Then I saw him last August for about five hours for an afternoon.”

“Do you feel maybe you got married too soon?” he nosied.

She replied: “Oh definitely. I think we would have lasted a lot longer if we hadn’t got married. But the thing is I was young, I was 22, I’d gone on Big Brother… I’d never met anyone like Preston. Give him his due he treated me amazingly. He looked after me. But it all just went a bit wrong. I literally left my mum’s on the morning of going on Big Brother and I never went home.”

Brian: “Do you ever think, ‘If only’?”

Cantelle: “Oh totally. I do look at him and think… it’s almost like my heart aches for him. It’s weird. But I know that he’s avoiding me a bit. Not on purpose. I said to him earlier that he hadn’t really spoke to me a lot. But the thing is, it’s different. Preston has a girlfriend.”

Didn’t stop Chantelle last time though, did it?

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10 – Ladies, this is why you should be grateful that you didn’t start menstruating in 1967…

9 - The Saw movies: the undeniable proof – Best Week Ever

8 - Are they still doing the Barbarella remake? Because, really, it won’t be a patch on this – YouTube

7 - Buy the helicopter from From Russia With Love. No, seriously. Buy it – 007helicopter

6 - American? Then here’s a way to eat for a ridiculously small amount of money. Not American? Back to the bins! - Lifehacker

5 - Now here’s a song – Bedazzled

4 - Chantelle from Big Brother only really has the two facial expressions, doesn’t she – Popsugar

3 - A man getting shot in the bottom with a tranquiliser dart - I Am Bored

2 - Jeeves from Askjeeves does porn now. Ick – Techdigest

1 – Holy Moly’s had a redesign. Mostly it puts our design to shame. Words will be had – Holymoly