It's been a roller-coaster week, what with red-top tabloids revealing that Charlie Sheen is DEFINITELY going into the Big Brother house only for his reps to categorically deny it and the papers going all quiet only to reveal that Pamela Anderson is DEFINITELY going in only for her reps to probably deny it as of this morning as well.
Well, we can all play that game and hecklerspray can exclusively announce the full list of within-Channel-Five-budget celebrities who are DEFINITELY going into the awful Big Brother house this year!
Although we might go a bit quiet tomorrow.
So.
Here we go then.
Here’s the exclusive list of contestants leaked by ‘a source’ who may work at Endemol. Or Five. Or not. We don’t have to say. They’re simply ‘a source’ and you have to trust them…
…right?
Here are the contestants for Celebrity Big Brother 2011:
1. Barry Scott, Cillit Bang enthusiast. Entirely fictional embittered bellower Barry is keen for a return to the limelight since the News of the World hacked his phone with the startling revelation that he was ?more of a Cif man, myself? resulting in him being dropped from the lucrative advertising campaign.
2. Bob Carolgees, Alleged ?Entertainer?. Following the mesmerising slo-mo nervous breakdown of Les Dennis, we have high hopes for the mental disintegration of another barely-heard-of light entertainer. Reports that glove-puppet/emotional crutch Spit the Dog also attending are unconfirmed.
3. Whigfield.
4. Lucy Robinson Off Of ?Neighbours?. No, The Second One. Around about 1987, Lucy went away for a school trip or something, and came back two-foot taller with a different face and voice, thus alarming every viewer who was a pre-pubescent about to go on a school trip. Sasha Close is her name, possibly the palest Australian ever.
5. Andy Crane, Television ?Personality?. The man whose life Phillip Schofield stole. Currently lingering on some God-forsaken local radio show in Manchester.
6. Terence Trent D?Arby, Prince-Lite. Terry is fully expected to break into an a capella version of ?If You Let Me Stay? each time he is put up for eviction in the most embarrassing manner possible.
7. Bruno Brooks, ex-D.J. You know those dreadful in-house ?radio stations? that play in your super-market? They?re his fault. Vote him out. Him and his gaspingly dreadful mullet.
8. The Mental Bloke Who Collects Glasses In My Local. Tolerated by the staff due to the free-of-charge labour.
9. Ace, worst Doctor Who assistant ever. Dreamt-up to make Sylvester McCoy look ?hip?. She was called ?Ace?. She wore a metal-plated baseball cap. Christ. Sophie Aldred?s career has never recovered.
10. Gaz Out Of Supergrass. Not content with musical mediocrity, unsuccessfully selling the Toyota Yaris or being turned-down for ?background artist? work on ?Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes?, Gareth is now going to grate you with this as well.
The obligatory big-name American star has yet to be confirmed, but Scott Martin “Wassup” Brooks who played the coveted role of “Dookie” in the tiresome Budweiser advertisement – you know, the really ‘funny’ one that featured a load of nobodies saying “wassup” until you relented and just bought some BEER – is rumoured to be in the frame.
Distressingly, some or all of the above may turn out to be true. Bruiser de Cadenet has also been said to have been sniffing around the set. You have been warned.
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