Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!
Right. That’s it. Big thanks to Kris for manning the twitter account. Follow hecklerspray and Kris’ personal account, as well as Editor Mof for more BB bile. We’re done here. Thanks to the 4 people who read along. We love to haaaate yoooou…
10.25pm Diva = Repeatedly saying the phrase ‘Welcome Pack’. For fuck’s sake.
10.23pm Fuck a duck indeed. Housemate given secret task on first night. How tedious.
10.22pm “It smells like brand new carpets.” Katona there, talk about her vagina.
10.21pm HERE COMES THE TWIST! WACO! WACO! WACO!
10.20pm When do those fuckers from HolyMoly (they’re owned by the same company as BB these days while we’re owned by chippy in Hull) come on telly? We want to seethe with jealousy at them, manifesting as undiluted hate.
10.18pm Our Kris is still gallantly manning the twitter feed despite being so drunk that he’s made George Best’s ghost cry.
10.16pm A Big Brother twist? They’re going to recreate Waco and get the FBI to set it on fire with everyone in while Charlton Heston shouts at them pretending to be God Almighty?
10.15pm Tiger coat. Panda shoes. Is it an endangered ensemble?
10.14pm We were going to make a joke about Jedward losing their virginity, but they’ve invariably already lost it. To each other.
10.12pm Just wait ’til Big Brother splits these little odious turds up. You know damn well it’s going to happen. There’ll be tears.
10.11pm There you go! NEW HOUSEMATE! SIAMESE TWINS, JEDWARD!
10.10pm Bobby Sabel. So famous that a) He doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. b) Tara didn’t tell him the door story.
10.08pm GO ON BRIAN! GET HIM WANKED!
10.07pm Bobby Sabel? NEW HOUSEMATE WHO WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF! Oh put your knickers back on you disgusting perverts.
10.06pm Has Paddy been arrested for punching all of Tara Reid’s teeth out?
10.04pm “A panicked runner just discovered all of Tara Reid’s consonants in her dressing room” says Laurence on Twitter
10.01pm Two more? That’d be Jedward then? Oh god, we hope so. Imagine. Imagine Tara Reid‘s stroke face trying to compute those little bastards. She’ll think it’s like a Dr Seuss book has come to life! She’ll sleep with her eyes open as a result. Jedward will break her. Then spitroast her.
10pm How many more of these divs have we got to go in?
9.58pm How much polyfiller has been used on Mrs Hoff’s face since she did that interview?
9.57 NEW HOUSEMATE! PAMELA! IT’S PAMMY! No. Not Pamela Anderson! IT’S THE HOFF’S WIFE! NO! WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER EVER EITHER! AND WE’RE PAID TO PAY ATTENTION TO THESE NO MARKS!
9.56 To be nice for once, Brian Dowling looks like he’s been doing this for years doesn’t he? The Mint trained him well.
9.54 On Twitter, Kris points out this out at? Lucian Thundercunt “David Beckham gave me the inspiration to be an actor.” You DO know he’s a footballer, right?”
9.52 Lucian Laviscount. That’s who it is. We all know now don’t we? Nope. Either way, he will absolutely end up rubbing his long, thin penis up the back of Amy Childs while she sleeps.
9.50pm A NEW HOUSEMATE! IT’S LUCIAN LOVINGCUNT OR SOMETHING!
9.49pm THOSE MASSIVE LEGS AGAIN!
9.46pm Sorry. What in fuck’s name is the new Haribo commercial about? Someone should be taken to a public square and flogged to death for that. No, sod that. Everyone involved – including the children – should be whipped with bike chains.
9.44pm It’s going to be great when half of this lot fall off the wagon. Sadly, no-one will be watching by this point. Oh well.
9.42pm “I’m going to stir it up a bit” or, as it’s know, get picked on by younger, more spiteful minor celebrities.
9.40pm NEW HOUSEMATE – SALLY BERCOW (us neither)
9.38pm The look of terror on Amy Childs’ face on seeing Lyons is brilliant. She knows he’s got her over a barrel. Who’s she been humping? (Who hasn’t she been shagging etc)
9.36pm Hopefully, Mr Paparazzi will have some amazing shit on everyone. Hopefully, Five will have the nuts to actually air it. And listen to the boos from the very people who line his bastard pockets. Stupid piss cloths.
9.35pm NEW HOUSEMATE ALERT! DARREN LYONS! HE’S A MASSIVE TWAT!
9.33pm “it appears that she’s [Tara Reid] speechless with rage. Or is that the tranquilizers?” says ‘sprays number one fan Alexandra
9.31pm What are the odds of a sexual assault having already taken place in the BB House? Too far?
9.30pm “Trust Amy Childs to be the only person in the UK who knows who Paddy is without being told” says our Kris on twitter. He’s actually doing really well for someone who is watching a football match at the same time.
9.26pm Look at this fucking gargoyle. YOU. You created her. Not us. YOU. You bastards.
9.25pm ANOTHER STINKING HOUSEMATE – AMY FROM THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX
9.25pm “A note to the police. Paddy Doherty is now of a fixed abode. You know what to do.” says our twitter account
9.21pm OOOOH! Paddy Doherty! We see now. He won’t last long, unless he knocks someone out. Which he will. Then he’ll cry like a big bitch. Do travellers even have landlines so they can vote for him?
9.20pm NEW HOUSEMATE – Mthmnem Nmmnamnth
9.15pm Okay. So we know that the immense git that is Mr Paparazzi will be going in with his stupid pink hair and face like a withered ankle. But Baywatch star? It won’t be Pamela Anderson. Erika Elenak (or whatever she’s called) surely? Jedward are, of course, in the house. We told you that yesterday.
9.14pm Nice to see Tara and Kerry getting on with each other. NOT (possibly not the last Wayne’s World joke we’ll make here)
9.13pm Jesus. Tara Reid is about as warm as Robert Pattinson‘s cock in an ice-pop.
9.11pm Didn’t Tara Reid just get married? What a shitty honeymoon if so. A fellow viewer is already hoping to see “her weird boobs”.
9.10pm SECOND HOUSEMATE – TARA REID
9.08pm Over at our twitter account, it says: “As if she wasn’t annoying enough, she’s got Swagger Jagger as her entrance music. If she was a wrestler she’d be gone after a week.”
9.07pm Kerry Katona there, saying she’s shat herself. Great. This is going to be hugely jarring. And listen! It’s Swagger Jagger as well, just to rub shit-caked glass into our already open wound.
9.06pm FIRST HOUSEMATE – KERRY KATONA
9.05pm The Big Brother crowd there, cheering at furniture. The stupid dicks.
9.03pm Nice that Marcus Bentley got his job back. It really couldn’t be done by anyone else could it? Dowling is rather likeable too. That said, give us a couple of minutes and we’ll be spitting bile at him.
9pm Here we go! The prick factory turns its cogs again!
8.59pm WHAT WERE THOSE LEGS ABOUT?!
8.58pm *sings* She’s got Betty Davis’ chin…
8.57pm DON’T GET EXCITED! THAT’S A FUCKING ORDER! We’ve got a stupid news bulletin first.
8.52 Did anyone else see Dom Littlethingy on Through The Keyhole, mournfully talking about how desperately single he is and how he might move to New York? Yeah. Like the dating scene in NYC isn’t ferocious and keenly fought.
8.48pm New Cowboy Builders may have dramatic music, but we’re really, really not feeling it here. Dom Littlewhatsit is about as frightening as a kitten being kissed by a butterfly.
8.46 Okay. Now we’ve turned over. New Cowboy Builders eh? Five are really spoiling us tonight aren’t they? Still, nice of Brian Dowling to show up in the adbreak and get cut off before he’s finished speaking. It’s just like Channel 4, eh?
8.44pm We’re not actually watching Five yet. We’re on a channel called Really (yes, really) and there’s people making haircuts that look like bikes, carousels and dollhouses. Honestly. It’s like taking the worst drugs ever.
8.42pm Are you following us on twitter? Our giant Indian man, Kris, is manning the account and he’s a vile, vile human guaranteed to get us in trouble with the law at some point this evening. Click here to follow us.
8pm Well, you’re eager aren’t you? What on Earth could you want from us now?