It's not fair. The prospect of Channel 5?s Big Brother is now becoming dangerously real, and here is the most concrete proof of what is set to be a terrible, terrible Autumn. Any means of escape is effectively now void.
If you try and turn the channel over, all you will find is a botched version of Kelly Rowland clapping along to a burns victim in harem pants on X Factor instead.
As if Kelly hadn?t caused enough problems in the world, she allowed more hell to be released into the ether today, when an annoyingly large number of ex-housemates turned up on a field to sing an altered version of her song ?When Love Takes Over?, to ?When Bruv Takes Over? for the new C5 trailer. It's not fair.
Yet it was less than a year ago, where Nikki Grahame and co. were vacuum-packed into funeral outfits and gathered to mourn the death of Big Brother on a presumably better funded Channel 4 advert. Yet now she's on Channel 5 – holding hands with a lesbian, like it's the most natural thing in the world (anyone who says it is perfectly natural, ask yourself this: Have you ever seen a lesbian with hands? Didn’t think so).
So what now, they're all just back? Back and apparently relevant to someone or other in the warped parallel universe? That's not just slightly bad continuity, that's Fast and the Furious bad continuity.
In a nutshell, the trailer basically features many people you simply didn't want to see again, ?marching down corridors wildly grinning at the cameras, fondling their orifices, like the good old days.
Some of the more interesting moments involve Chantelle and Alex Reid inserting their hands up each others rectums, (just in case you didn't know they were a couple now) Kemal with the most beautiful set of breasts you're ever likely to see on a human man, Mutya Buena, Eugene the Crying Virgin, Alex, the one that appeared on the Domestos adverts for a while (AND ALSO HIT AND KILLED A MAN IN HIS CAR ONCE, FACT FANS) and Ahmed, who is a man that once stood in a garden on National Television – screaming and throwing plates at people until he was forcibly removed from the building.
Just when you thought that you couldn't be sobbing into your own, pruned, swollen skin quite hard enough, H FROM STEPS turns up to join in the action, striding alongside Michelle Bass like it's bloody CD:UK or something.
So there it is. Big Brother is officially back whilst Fort Boyard lies dead, abandoned, and curdling in the corner. Justice is no longer a word.
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