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celebrities in court

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline In Court All Over Again

by Stuart Heritage

Back in olden times, when you could mock Britney Spears without feeling like a bastard afterwards, Britney used to be in court a lot.

And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what – there’s a custody rematch scheduled for today!

It’s so exciting – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they’ll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.

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Uma Thurman Describes All The Nutty Crap Her Stalker Sent

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody really knows what women want, but we know what Uma Thurman doesn’t want – creepy pictures of headless brides sent to her.

And that’s kind of a shame, because that’s precisely the thing that Uma Thurman’s crazed stalker misunderstood fan crazed stalker Jack Jordan happened to send her.

Uma Thurman finally got her chance to testify in her court case against alleged stalker Jack Jordan yesterday, and took the chance to list all of the disturbing stuff that he’d sent her in the past. And most could agree thatUma Thurman gave a good performance on the stand. OK, a decent performance. Nobody walked out during it, at least. So, you know, it did better than Paycheck.

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Uma Thurman’s Folks All Weirded Out By Her Mental Stalker

by Stuart Heritage

You know when you tell a girl that you love her and if she doesn’t love you back you’ll kill yourself? Yeah, apparently not such a great tactic.

Maybe that’s where we’ve been going wrong all these years. And not just us, either – Uma Thurman’s alleged stalker Jack Jordan has fallen foul of this weird quirk of female nature as well. In court yesterday, Uma Thurman’s mother described a phone call with Jordan where he said he’d kill himself if he and her daughter weren’t predestined to be together.

And, surprisingly enough, this didn’t end in Uma Thurman leaping into Jack Jordan’s arms and yelling “Oh kiss me, you great big psychologically-deranged schnookie-noogs!” Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t disturb them to the point of shrieking hysteria.

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George Lucas Shoots Storm-Trooper Legal Laser

by Shawn Lindseth

If The Empire Strikes Back had culminated with Luke Skywalker suing in a court of law to get his hand back, then that movie would have been more of a legal drama than a sci-fi fantasy. That’s just something we’ve been thinking about.

The jury could have been made up of those blue guys that play the flute and maybe a cute banana with eyeballs that roll back in his head when he’s hungry or scared. Now picture that banana on a lunch pale. Money. That’s money right there.

We’re 90% sure that’s going to be the premise for the upcoming live action Star Wars TV series. Luke finally gets his hand back in the second season and from then on he stores it safely in a split-open tauntaun. We just ruined the season-one cliff-hanger finale for you. 1000 apologies.

A cliff-hanger we won’t ruin for you is that the guy George Lucas is currently suing some guy for making Storm Trooper armor and selling it without permission – well that guy ends up being George’s father.

Sorry. 1000 apologies.

If The Empire Strikes Back had culminated with Luke Skywalker suing in a court of law to get his hand back, then that movie would have been more of a legal drama than a sci-fi fantasy. That's just something we've been thinking about. The jury could have been made up of those blue guys that play the flute and maybe a cute banana with eyeballs that roll back in his head when he’s hungry or scared. Now picture that banana on a lunch pale. Money. That's money right there. We’re 90% sure that’s going to be the premise for the upcoming live action Star Wars TV series. Luke finally gets his hand back in the second season and from then on he stores it safely in a split-open tauntaun. We just ruined the season-one cliff-hanger finale for you. 1000 apologies. A cliff-hanger we won’t ruin for you is that the guy George Lucas is currently suing some guy for making Storm Trooper armor and selling it without permission – well that guy ends up being George’s father. Sorry. 1000 apologies.
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Chad Kroeger In Vague Rockstar Shenanigan

by Matthew Laidlow

When you think of famous rock and roll antics, a few famous names spring to mind, like Ozzy Osbourne literally shoving anything down his throat. Drugs, ants, doves, Sharon Osbourne – anything.

In more modern times, the rock stars of today aren’t as wild as their counterparts. The most compelling things our heroes do is throw a TV out of a hotel window. Though they later pay for any damage and, through teary eyes, plead to Travel lodge not to give them get a lifetime ban. Now, however, it seems that someone wants to go one weaker in the rock and roll stakes. Chad Kroger – the husky singer from weak Canadian act Nickelback – has been in trouble with the law. Firstly for drink driving back in June 2007 and now for not showing up to his court hearing. We bow down to this man’s antics.

When you think of famous rock and roll antics, a few famous names spring to mind, like Ozzy Osbourne literally shoving anything down his throat. Drugs, ants, doves, Sharon Osbourne - anything. In more modern times, the rock stars of today aren’t as wild as their counterparts. The most compelling things our heroes do is throw a TV out of a hotel window. Though they later pay for any damage and, through teary eyes, plead to Travel lodge not to give them get a lifetime ban. Now, however, it seems that someone wants to go one weaker in the rock and roll stakes. Chad Kroger – the husky singer from weak Canadian act Nickelback - has been in trouble with the law. Firstly for drink driving back in June 2007 and now for not showing up to his court hearing. We bow down to this man's antics.
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Heather Mills: The Weird Finger Throat-Slash Court Threat

by Stuart Heritage

We’d have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling – and not just so we could puke on everyone’s food and make them ill.

No, in short we’d like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it’s common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney’s lawyer’s head in court, it’s now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that’s literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn’t mean business, or she’s be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

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Paul McCartney Stumps Up Final Divorce Deal Today

by Stuart Heritage

Today is a momentous day – it’s the day that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills finally discover their divorce deal, putting an end to their long-winded divorce forever.

Well, OK, maybe not forever – we’re pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she’s not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she’s been awarded – but for a bit at least.

How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.

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Britney Spears Vs Kevin Federline: Money Fight!

by Stuart Heritage

The Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline child custody case has been going on forever, mainly because most people agree that the kids would be better off being looked after by a pack of hungry bears than either of them.

But, although the custody case must be emotionally hard for both Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, it’s only financially hard for Britney Spears because she’s paying all the legal bills.

And now Britney Spears wants that to stop. Britney’s lawyers have been in court trying to get Kevin Federline to hire a lawyer with his own funds, but Kevin’s not scared. If Britney wins this legal fight then he’ll just have to find the best lawyers that a scrunched-up $5 bill and half a packet of Funyuns will buy.

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Kid Rock Pleads Not Guilty To Spazzy Waffle Brawl

by Stuart Heritage

There’s an old saying that goes ‘Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but give a redneck a waffle and he’ll smack you on the head with a chair’.

Unless he didn’t smack anyone over the head with a chair. And yesterday, Kid Rock pleaded not guilty to that exact thing.

Kid Rock appeared before an Atlanta court yesterday to plead not guilty to five counts of battery and one count of simple battery following his alleged involvement in a Waffle House in October. If found guilty, not only will Kid Rock face a year in jail, but it’ll also give Waffle House the chance to roll out its ‘Waffle House: Fuelling Shit-Thick Redneck Dust-Ups Since 2007′ ad campaign it’s been so excited about lately.

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Judge Stops Britney Spears/ Federal Court Allstar Showdown

by Stuart Heritage

You may remember that attorney who claimed Britney Spears’ civil rights had been removed by the way her father kept her constantly encased in a pulsating plasma forcefield and only fed her twigs.

Or something. Anyway, this attorney – Jon Eardley – had been pushing to move Britney Spears’ conservatorship case to a federal court because of this apparent civil rights hoo-hah.

But it isn’t going to happen. A judge has ruled that the Britney Spears case has to remain in California because the attorney isn’t really Britney Spears’ attorney. Interesting, huh? OK, on with your lives now.

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