Articles tagged with: celebrities in court
Is The Hobbit Dead In The Water Already?
Apparently, not everyone is looking forward to seeing the new adaptation of Tolkien's The Hobbit. Well, for starters, there is a deformed bloke in a village in Peru who keeps getting rocks thrown at him and being called 'Gollum' who wishes they would forget the whole idea. Saying that, he still has the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy on DVD – gold edition, too. Then there's our housemate Steve, who is just odd. And then there is Tolkien's 83-year-old son Christopher, who just doesn't like people enjoying themselves.
Apparently, not everyone is looking forward to seeing the new adaptation of Tolkien's The Hobbit. Well, for starters, there is a deformed bloke in a village in Peru who keeps getting rocks thrown at him and being called 'Gollum' who wishes they would forget the whole idea. Saying that, he still has the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy on DVD – gold edition, too. Then there's our housemate Steve, who is just odd. And then there is Tolkien's 83-year-old son Christopher, who just doesn't like people enjoying themselves.
Madonna’s Big Custody Showdown Shelved Yet Again
Madonna's a busy lady, what with her old lady crotch about to go on a world tour and all. And that means that nobody's allowed to mess Madonna around. Nobody, that is, except the Malawi High Courts. Today was the day when Madonna was supposed to discover whether or not she'd gained permanent custody of David Banda, her adopted Malawian son. But it didn't happen - the court has delayed its final ruling until next week. That's not ideal for Madonna, but it's even worse for David Banda, who outgrew his tiny soiled lightless holding pen that Madonna keeps him in about 15 months ago and just wants to eat something other than hay.
Madonna's a busy lady, what with her old lady crotch about to go on a world tour and all. And that means that nobody's allowed to mess Madonna around. Nobody, that is, except the Malawi High Courts. Today was the day when Madonna was supposed to discover whether or not she'd gained permanent custody of David Banda, her adopted Malawian son. But it didn't happen - the court has delayed its final ruling until next week. That's not ideal for Madonna, but it's even worse for David Banda, who outgrew his tiny soiled lightless holding pen that Madonna keeps him in about 15 months ago and just wants to eat something other than hay.
Anne Heche Ain’t Got No Freaking Money
Can it really be that time of year again? The 'feel sorry for Anne Heche but not really' time of year? It must be, because Anne Heche is moping around court because her TV show got cancelled and now she can't even pay her child support bills. Seriously, is this how bad the credit crunch has got? It's scary to think that not even a famous actress like Anne Heche can pay for the upbringing of her children because the measly $65,000 she gets for each of her tiny movie roles won't cover the cost of keeping her two international homes, her cars and all her other various expenses. Maybe we should stage a telethon for her.
Can it really be that time of year again? The 'feel sorry for Anne Heche but not really' time of year? It must be, because Anne Heche is moping around court because her TV show got cancelled and now she can't even pay her child support bills. Seriously, is this how bad the credit crunch has got? It's scary to think that not even a famous actress like Anne Heche can pay for the upbringing of her children because the measly $65,000 she gets for each of her tiny movie roles won't cover the cost of keeping her two international homes, her cars and all her other various expenses. Maybe we should stage a telethon for her.
Lee Ryan Done Leathered A Taxi Driver’s Head In, Court Hears
If there's one thing we hate it's taxi drivers. Idiots, the lot of them, with their stupid job and their, um, shoes. And stuff. OK, we don't hate taxi drivers. Only a fool could bring himself to hate taxi drivers. And only a giant fool would be able to hate taxi drivers to the point of violence. A big stupid fool, probably with a rubbish face and BO and a dirty bumhole and fleas. Lee Ryan from Blue was in court yesterday for allegedly punching a taxi driver in the side of the head three times. We don't see how this alters our original point.
If there's one thing we hate it's taxi drivers. Idiots, the lot of them, with their stupid job and their, um, shoes. And stuff. OK, we don't hate taxi drivers. Only a fool could bring himself to hate taxi drivers. And only a giant fool would be able to hate taxi drivers to the point of violence. A big stupid fool, probably with a rubbish face and BO and a dirty bumhole and fleas. Lee Ryan from Blue was in court yesterday for allegedly punching a taxi driver in the side of the head three times. We don't see how this alters our original point.
Britney Spears & Kevin Federline In Court All Over Again
Back in olden times, when you could mock Britney Spears without feeling like a bastard afterwards, Britney used to be in court a lot. And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what - there's a custody rematch scheduled for today! It's so exciting - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they'll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.
Back in olden times, when you could mock Britney Spears without feeling like a bastard afterwards, Britney used to be in court a lot. And that was mostly to do with whether she or Kevin Federline should be able to look after her kids. And guess what - there's a custody rematch scheduled for today! It's so exciting - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent so long out of court that they'll probably be straining at the leash to tear into each other for control of their kids once they get inside. Without a doubt, this is the most eagerly anticipated 30-second court hearing to quickly decide that Britney Spears is still too unwell to look after her children for, ooh, like a month or something.
Uma Thurman Describes All The Nutty Crap Her Stalker Sent
Nobody really knows what women want, but we know what Uma Thurman doesn't want - creepy pictures of headless brides sent to her. And that's kind of a shame, because that's precisely the thing that Uma Thurman's crazed stalker misunderstood fan crazed stalker Jack Jordan happened to send her. Uma Thurman finally got her chance to testify in her court case against alleged stalker Jack Jordan yesterday, and took the chance to list all of the disturbing stuff that he'd sent her in the past. And most could agree that Uma Thurman gave a good performance on the stand. OK, a decent performance. Nobody walked out during it, at least. So, you know, it did better than Paycheck.
Nobody really knows what women want, but we know what Uma Thurman doesn't want - creepy pictures of headless brides sent to her. And that's kind of a shame, because that's precisely the thing that Uma Thurman's crazed stalker misunderstood fan crazed stalker Jack Jordan happened to send her. Uma Thurman finally got her chance to testify in her court case against alleged stalker Jack Jordan yesterday, and took the chance to list all of the disturbing stuff that he'd sent her in the past. And most could agree that Uma Thurman gave a good performance on the stand. OK, a decent performance. Nobody walked out during it, at least. So, you know, it did better than Paycheck.
Uma Thurman’s Folks All Weirded Out By Her Mental Stalker
You know when you tell a girl that you love her and if she doesn't love you back you'll kill yourself? Yeah, apparently not such a great tactic. Maybe that's where we've been going wrong all these years. And not just us, either - Uma Thurman's alleged stalker Jack Jordan has fallen foul of this weird quirk of female nature as well. In court yesterday, Uma Thurman's mother described a phone call with Jordan where he said he'd kill himself if he and her daughter weren't predestined to be together. And, surprisingly enough, this didn't end in Uma Thurman leaping into Jack Jordan's arms and yelling "Oh kiss me, you great big psychologically-deranged schnookie-noogs!" Women, huh? Can't live with them, can't disturb them to the point of shrieking hysteria.
You know when you tell a girl that you love her and if she doesn't love you back you'll kill yourself? Yeah, apparently not such a great tactic. Maybe that's where we've been going wrong all these years. And not just us, either - Uma Thurman's alleged stalker Jack Jordan has fallen foul of this weird quirk of female nature as well. In court yesterday, Uma Thurman's mother described a phone call with Jordan where he said he'd kill himself if he and her daughter weren't predestined to be together. And, surprisingly enough, this didn't end in Uma Thurman leaping into Jack Jordan's arms and yelling "Oh kiss me, you great big psychologically-deranged schnookie-noogs!" Women, huh? Can't live with them, can't disturb them to the point of shrieking hysteria.
George Lucas Shoots Storm-Trooper Legal Laser
If The Empire Strikes Back had culminated with Luke Skywalker suing in a court of law to get his hand back, then that movie would have been more of a legal drama than a sci-fi fantasy. That's just something we've been thinking about. The jury could have been made up of those blue guys that play the flute and maybe a cute banana with eyeballs that roll back in his head when he’s hungry or scared. Now picture that banana on a lunch pale. Money. That's money right there. We’re 90% sure that’s going to be the premise for the upcoming live action Star Wars TV series. Luke finally gets his hand back in the second season and from then on he stores it safely in a split-open tauntaun. We just ruined the season-one cliff-hanger finale for you. A thousand apologies. A cliff-hanger we won’t ruin for you is that George Lucas is currently suing some guy for making Storm-trooper armour and selling it without permission – and that guy ends up being George’s father. Sorry. 1,000 apologies.
If The Empire Strikes Back had culminated with Luke Skywalker suing in a court of law to get his hand back, then that movie would have been more of a legal drama than a sci-fi fantasy. That's just something we've been thinking about. The jury could have been made up of those blue guys that play the flute and maybe a cute banana with eyeballs that roll back in his head when he’s hungry or scared. Now picture that banana on a lunch pale. Money. That's money right there. We’re 90% sure that’s going to be the premise for the upcoming live action Star Wars TV series. Luke finally gets his hand back in the second season and from then on he stores it safely in a split-open tauntaun. We just ruined the season-one cliff-hanger finale for you. A thousand apologies. A cliff-hanger we won’t ruin for you is that George Lucas is currently suing some guy for making Storm-trooper armour and selling it without permission – and that guy ends up being George’s father. Sorry. 1,000 apologies.
