Posts tagged as:

celebrities in court

Amy Winehouse Gets To Screech About Blake For 27 More Months

by Stuart Heritage

Would-be criminals can learn a lot from today’s news that Blake Fielder-Civil has been sentenced to 27 months in jail.

Firstly, Blake Fielder-Civil’s sentence has shown that you can’t go round violently attacking pub landlords in the face; and that if you do, you definitely can’t try buying their silence with great big wads of your wife’s cash.

Most of all, though, Blake Fielder-Civil’s 27-month jail sentence shows that you’ll still get lumbered with a giant stretch in prison even if you get Amy Winehouse to bellow your name in public every six or seven seconds. Speaking of that, we’ve got another 27 months of that. Thanks, the British justice system. Thanks a lot.

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Britney Spears Unironically Hands Kevin Federline Sole Custody

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody was ever really going to win the custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, especially not the kids.

But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it’s not particularly great news for Britney Spears – Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that’s hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons – all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like ‘Cornrows make you look cool’ or ‘Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun’. Poor Britney won’t even have a chance to hug them.

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50 Cent Loves His Son And Doesn’t Take Drugs, The Big Girl

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone knows what they want from 50 Cent – and that’s gritty, hardcore tales of violent life on the streets.

However, don’t be surprised if 50 Cent’s next CD is a concept album about the art of making quiches and other assorted fancy continental pastry dishes, because 50 Cent, so help us god, has turned soft.

How soft? Get this – 50 Cent wanted to take his little boy on vacation so much that he took, and passed, a court-ordered drug test. Not taking drugs? Caring for his own children? Really, 50 Cent, what kind of role model do you call yourself? Quickly, go and mug a pensioner or shoot a policeman before it’s too late. Yeeuch.

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Osama Bin Laden Gives R Kelly A Shoulder To Cry On

by Matthew Laidlow

If The Odd Couple ever returned to our screens, then there isn’t a casting director in the land who could dream up an odder couple than this.

Everyone knows Osama Bin Laden – he’s that crazy foreign guy with a vengeance against the west – and then there’s R Kelly, a successful singer who officially doesn’t love children a little bit too much. Imagine those wacky characters shacked up in a flat above a chip shop – it would be a certain ratings winner.

The chances of these two ever bumping into each other over a packet of pork scratchings in the local ale house, though, is quite unlikely. Still this hasn’t stopped R Kelly from comparing himself to the world’s most hated terrorist.

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Naomi Campbell Guilty As Airplane-Related Sin By Own Legal Admission

by Shawn Lindseth

It was just a month or two ago when Naomi Campbell caused a stink on a British Airways flight. At the time she claimed to be the victim of racism or something, and also she claimed that it wasn't her fault because the captain wouldn't let her sit in his posh seat for the flight's [...]

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Lindsay Lohan’s Ma & Pa Now Attention-Seeking In Court

by Stuart Heritage

Lindsay Lohan may have the age and profound emotional maturity to function away from her parents, but she’s not the only Lohan kid.

Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it’s time for some petty court-based squabbling.

Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It’s an important time for those little darlings – who’ll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!

Lindsay Lohan may have the age and profound emotional maturity to function away from her parents, but she's not the only Lohan kid. Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it's time for some petty court-based squabbling. Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It's an important time for those little darlings - who'll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!
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Is The Hobbit Dead In The Water Already?

by David Schwartz

Apparently, not everyone is looking forward to seeing the new adaptation of Tolkien’s The Hobbit.

Well, for starters, there is a deformed bloke in a village in Peru who keeps getting rocks thrown at him and being called ‘Gollum’ who wishes they would forget the whole idea. Saying that, he still has the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy on DVD – gold edition, too.

Then there’s our housemate Steve, who is just odd. And then there is Tolkien’s 83-year-old son Christopher, who just doesn’t like people enjoying themselves.

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Madonna’s Big Custody Showdown Shelved Yet Again

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna’s a busy lady, what with her old lady crotch about to go on a world tour and all.

And that means that nobody’s allowed to mess Madonna around. Nobody, that is, except the Malawi High Courts. Today was the day when Madonna was supposed to discover whether or not she’d gainedpermanent custody of David Banda, her adopted Malawian son.

But it didn’t happen – the court has delayed its final ruling until next week. That’s not ideal for Madonna, but it’s even worse for DavidBanda, who outgrew his tiny soiled lightless holding pen that Madonna keeps him in about 15 months ago and just wants to eat something other than hay.

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Anne Heche Ain’t Got No Freaking Money

by Stuart Heritage

Can it really be that time of year again? The ‘feel sorry for Anne Heche but not really’ time of year?

It must be, because Anne Heche is moping around court because her TV show got cancelled and now she can’t even pay her child support bills.

Seriously, is this how bad the credit crunch has got? It’s scary to think that not even a famous actress like Anne Heche can pay for the upbringing of her children because the measly $65,000 she gets for each of her tiny movie roles won’t cover the cost of keeping her two international homes, her cars and all her other various expenses. Maybe we should stage a telethon for her.

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Lee Ryan Done Leathered A Taxi Driver’s Head In, Court Hears

by Stuart Heritage

If there’s one thing we hate it’s taxi drivers. Idiots, the lot of them, with their stupid job and their, um, shoes. And stuff.

OK, we don’t hate taxi drivers. Only a fool could bring himself to hate taxi drivers. And only a giant fool would be able to hate taxi drivers to the point of violence. A big stupid fool, probably with a rubbish face and BO and a dirty bumhole and fleas.

Lee Ryan from Blue was in court yesterday for allegedly punching a taxi driver in the side of the head three times. We don’t see how this alters our original point.

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