Articles tagged with: celebrities in court
DMX Arrested Again, Again, Again, Again, Again, Again, Again… Again.
Well thank all that is good and right in the world for DMX. In today's world of boring, pointless, vapid celebrities mincing around never doing anything, not causing any trouble and generally being thoroughly boring you could be forgiven for thinking that the entertainment that we, the public, rightly deserve from these fools is never going to come our way. Then DMX goes and gets a mega-whammy of arrests for a number of different reasons - granted, he's not going around stabbing people, but he is doing things that we're allowed to take the piss out of. Which is clearly much better for us. The most recent of DMX's failures to obey the law came about when the rapper didn't really manage to appear in court for an earlier arrest. Instead he went to hospital. Close, but not quite the right building. Must try harder.
Well thank all that is good and right in the world for DMX. In today's world of boring, pointless, vapid celebrities mincing around never doing anything, not causing any trouble and generally being thoroughly boring you could be forgiven for thinking that the entertainment that we, the public, rightly deserve from these fools is never going to come our way. Then DMX goes and gets a mega-whammy of arrests for a number of different reasons - granted, he's not going around stabbing people, but he is doing things that we're allowed to take the piss out of. Which is clearly much better for us. The most recent of DMX's failures to obey the law came about when the rapper didn't really manage to appear in court for an earlier arrest. Instead he went to hospital. Close, but not quite the right building. Must try harder.
DMX Treats Court To A Lovely Singsong
No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song - unless you're on trial in court, because that would just be stupid. Try telling that to DMX, though. He's currently up to his eyeballs in trouble - for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing - but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person. True, bellowing "stand for something or fall for everything!" at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it's a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming "I smell pussy!" at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.
No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song - unless you're on trial in court, because that would just be stupid. Try telling that to DMX, though. He's currently up to his eyeballs in trouble - for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing - but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person. True, bellowing "stand for something or fall for everything!" at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it's a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming "I smell pussy!" at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.
Amy Winehouse Gets To Screech About Blake For 27 More Months
Would-be criminals can learn a lot from today's news that Blake Fielder-Civil has been sentenced to 27 months in jail. Firstly, Blake Fielder-Civil's sentence has shown that you can't go round violently attacking pub landlords in the face; and that if you do, you definitely can't try buying their silence with great big wads of your wife's cash. Most of all, though, Blake Fielder-Civil's 27-month jail sentence shows that you'll still get lumbered with a giant stretch in prison even if you get Amy Winehouse to bellow your name in public every six or seven seconds. Speaking of that, we've got another 27 months of that. Thanks, the British justice system. Thanks a lot.
Would-be criminals can learn a lot from today's news that Blake Fielder-Civil has been sentenced to 27 months in jail. Firstly, Blake Fielder-Civil's sentence has shown that you can't go round violently attacking pub landlords in the face; and that if you do, you definitely can't try buying their silence with great big wads of your wife's cash. Most of all, though, Blake Fielder-Civil's 27-month jail sentence shows that you'll still get lumbered with a giant stretch in prison even if you get Amy Winehouse to bellow your name in public every six or seven seconds. Speaking of that, we've got another 27 months of that. Thanks, the British justice system. Thanks a lot.
Britney Spears Unironically Hands Kevin Federline Sole Custody
Nobody was ever really going to win the custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, especially not the kids. But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it's not particularly great news for Britney Spears - Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that's hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons - all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like 'Cornrows make you look cool' or 'Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun'. Poor Britney won't even have a chance to hug them.
Nobody was ever really going to win the custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, especially not the kids. But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it's not particularly great news for Britney Spears - Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that's hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons - all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like 'Cornrows make you look cool' or 'Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun'. Poor Britney won't even have a chance to hug them.
50 Cent Loves His Son And Doesn’t Take Drugs, The Big Girl
Everyone knows what they want from 50 Cent - and that's gritty, hardcore tales of violent life on the streets. However, don't be surprised if 50 Cent's next CD is a concept album about the art of making quiches and other assorted fancy continental pastry dishes, because 50 Cent, so help us god, has turned soft. How soft? Get this - 50 Cent wanted to take his little boy on vacation so much that he took, and passed, a court-ordered drug test. Not taking drugs? Caring for his own children? Really, 50 Cent, what kind of role model do you call yourself? Quickly, go and mug a pensioner or shoot a policeman before it's too late. Yeeuch.
Everyone knows what they want from 50 Cent - and that's gritty, hardcore tales of violent life on the streets. However, don't be surprised if 50 Cent's next CD is a concept album about the art of making quiches and other assorted fancy continental pastry dishes, because 50 Cent, so help us god, has turned soft. How soft? Get this - 50 Cent wanted to take his little boy on vacation so much that he took, and passed, a court-ordered drug test. Not taking drugs? Caring for his own children? Really, 50 Cent, what kind of role model do you call yourself? Quickly, go and mug a pensioner or shoot a policeman before it's too late. Yeeuch.
Osama Bin Laden Gives R Kelly A Shoulder To Cry On
If The Odd Couple ever returned to our screens, then there isn't a casting director in the land who could dream up an odder couple than this.
Everyone knows Osama Bin Laden - he’s that crazy foreign guy with a vengeance against the west - and then there's R Kelly, a successful singer who officially doesn’t love children a little bit too much. Imagine those wacky characters shacked up in a flat above a chip shop - it would be a certain ratings winner.
The chances of these two ever bumping into each other over a packet of pork scratchings in the local ale house, though, is quite unlikely. Still this hasn't stopped R Kelly from comparing himself to the world’s most hated terrorist.
Naomi Campbell Guilty As Airplane-Related Sin By Own Legal Admission
At the time she claimed to be the victim of racism or something, and also she claimed that it wasn't her fault because the captain wouldn't let her sit in his posh seat for the flight's entire duration, and anybody else would have reacted similarly if placed in the same situation.
This action could result in regular state-provided dinners and a cellmate to scratch at.
It was just a month or two ago when Naomi Campbell caused a stink on a British Airways flight.
At the time she claimed to be the victim of racism or something, and also she claimed that it wasn't her fault because the captain wouldn't let her sit in his posh seat for the flight's entire duration, and anybody else would have reacted similarly if placed in the same situation.
But maybe we exaggerated a tad there. Anyhow - she's in court for the whole mess right now - and she's pleaded.....guilty.
This action could result in regular state-provided dinners and a cellmate to scratch at.
Lindsay Lohan’s Ma & Pa Now Attention-Seeking In Court
Lindsay Lohan may have the age and profound emotional maturity to function away from her parents, but she's not the only Lohan kid. Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it's time for some petty court-based squabbling. Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It's an important time for those little darlings - who'll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!
Lindsay Lohan may have the age and profound emotional maturity to function away from her parents, but she's not the only Lohan kid. Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it's time for some petty court-based squabbling. Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It's an important time for those little darlings - who'll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!
