50 Cent Loves His Son And Doesn’t Take Drugs, The Big Girl

Everyone knows what they want from 50 Cent - and that’s gritty, hardcore tales of violent life on the streets.

However, don’t be surprised if 50 Cent’s next CD is a concept album about the art of making quiches and other assorted fancy continental pastry dishes, because 50 Cent, so help us god, has turned soft.

How soft? Get this - 50 Cent wanted to take his little boy on vacation so much that he took, and passed, a court-ordered drug test. Not taking drugs? Caring for his own children? Really, 50 Cent, what kind of role model do you call yourself? Quickly, go and mug a pensioner or shoot a policeman before it’s too late. Yeeuch.

We’re big fans of 50 Cent here at hecklerspray, from that song of his that goes “mumble mumble mumble shoot you mumble dead,” to that other song of his that goes “mumble mumble I got shot mumble mumble did I ever mention that mumble yeah I thought so.” We like 50 Cent because he’s got a formula and he’s not afraid to stick to it.

Even though he lives in a mansion that’s roughly the size of Luxembourg in the middle of a faraway forest, 50 Cent is still as street as they come. He got shot once, you know, did he ever mention that? And he became a drug dealer when he was just 12 years old. And he, um, organises nutritional drives to help combat child obesity.

Basically, if you cut 50 Cent open, he bleeds ghetto. And possibly a little bit of Human Growth Hormone, too. Possibly.

But what’s the least ghetto thing you can think of? How about not taking any drugs so you can go on a lovely holiday with your little boy? Because, as much as it pains us to tell you, that’s what 50 Cent has done.

There’s been a protection order banning 50 Cent from seeing his son Marquise since the house fire that suspiciously gutted the home of Marquise and his mother Shaniqua Tompkins back in May. But 50 Cent wanted to see his son, so he went to court to fight for visitation.

There was one minor caveat set by the court, though - in order to see his son, 50 Cent had to pass a drug test. We’re sorry to tell you that 50 Cent passed. The New York Daily News reports:

Fitty was ordered to take a drug test before a Long Island judge would give him permission to take his son on vacation. Fitty complied, the test came back clean and now he’s free to take 11-year-old Marquise away. “I haven’t seen my son in a while. That’s why I came here today,” the rapper said after he passed the test.

Incidentally, Shaniqua Tompkins was ordered to take the same drug test and hers came back testing positives for opiates. Tompkins is blaming that on cough syrup, but you know what that means? It means 50 Cent is now less street than a woman with the surname Tompkins. You just can’t get less street than that.

Honestly, 50 Cent might feel like he’s accomplished something by passing a drug test and deepening his father-son bond with little Marquise, but this confusing show of maturity is bound to anger and alienate his fans.

Admittedly most 50 Cent fans are so stupid that they’re similarly angered and alienated by things like sentences and original thought, but that’s hardly the point here, is it?