No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song – unless you’re on trial in court, because that would just be stupid.
Try telling that to DMX, though. He’s currently up to his eyeballs in trouble – for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing – but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person.
True, bellowing “stand for something or fall for everything!” at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it’s a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming “I smell pussy!” at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.
DMX is widely regarded as an inspirational figure. He certainly is here at hecklerspray – the centrepiece of our office is a giant motivational poster featuring the phrase “The power of imagination makes us infinite” superimposed over a still of DMX angrily shouting at a car’s steering wheel from his X Gon Give It To Ya video.
That’s why DMX is dedicated to spreading his euphoric inspirational message to the biggest audience possible. But, having converted fans of gormlessly derivative hip-hop and straight-to-DVD action movies to his cause, DMX needed to break the ceiling and speak to the mass media.
Where can you usually find the mass media? Outside a court, that’s where. How do you get to stand outside a court? By just going up to a court and standing around outside it? No, that’s too route one for DMX – he decided that the best way to stand outside a court would be to get arrested for something.
So he did – DMX got arrested for driving badly and not wearing a seatbelt on a plane and hiding a gun under a car seat and faking his identity to avoid paying a hospital bill and burning the starving corpses of some dogs in his garden. Notice that DMX didn’t get arrested for being raped in his sleep by a woman. He tried, but apparently that isn’t even illegal.
Anyway, the plan worked. Yesterday DMX went to Maricopa County Superior Court in Phoenix for the identity theft arrest and, after pausing briefly to plead not guilty, rushed outside to give his long-awaited motivational rap to the awaiting media and thus the world. According to Reuters, that rap went something like this:
“If and when you ever fall down, get back up, drop something, stop fretting, pick that shit back up. Stand for something or fall for everything, wait for the right pitch or miss with every swing.”
And if you’ve felt a unexplained lightness in your step today, or the feeling of pressure being lifted from your shoulders, or the inexplicable urge to whistle a happy ditty on the way to work this morning, that’s why. Because DMX told you to pick some shit up yesterday.
You may thank DMX however you want for this. He’d probably prefer cash.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
Muenster cheese is a bit heavy for a tuna sandwich. But I love tuna on multi-grain bread with chopped scallions and mashed artichoke hearts in it.
I think the use of sea salt is a bit ironic, but hell, it tastes fantastic!
That with some tomatoes, bit of lettuce and an ice cold glass of milk. With ice in it.
And that.