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celebrities in court

Britney Spears Still Not Allowed Anywhere Near Her Kids

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s a thing – if you get sectioned for a prolonged stay in a mental hospital, turns out judges aren’t that keen on letting you look after children.

That’s what Britney Spears discovered yesterday, as the latest stop on her sad merry go round of court hearings ruled that she still isn’t allowed to see either of her sons. This means that the last time Britney Spears saw her children was when she locked herself topless in a bathroom with one of them early last month.

Having said that, it’s thought that Kevin Federline is doing all he can to get the kids to spend time with Britney Spears again, reportedly because he’s fed up with the infants beating him at Simon Says all the time.

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Jamie Spears: All Britney Spears’ Stuff Is Still Mine! MINE!

by Stuart Heritage

Imagine if you had control of everything Britney Spears owns; the money, the houses, the underwea- wait, no, forget that last one.

Well Jamie Spears does have control of everything that Britney Spears owns and, thanks to a recent court order, he gets to keep control of it all for another glorious month.

A judge has extended Jamie Spears’ conservatorship of Britney Spears until at least March 10. And it’s an undoubtedly good thing that Jamie Spears is still holding the purse strings – not just for Britney, who can continue recovering from her meltdown under the protective care of her family, but also for anyone who wants to see the dream of Jamie Spears’ Sticky Cluckin’ Fried Poultry Shack become a delicious reality.

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Mel Gibson Can Drink Again! Sort Of! Woo!

by Stuart Heritage

OK, first an apology for the misleading title – Mel Gibson has been allowed to drink for ages, but now he gets to do it without a judge disapprovingly scowling at him for it.

Mel Gibson has just been told by a judge that he no longer needs to attend courtroom progress reports for the probation he was given when he got drunk and drove around screaming bad things about the Jews that time.

However, just because he doesn’t have to appear in court, Mel Gibson still has 18 months of probation left to battle through alone. Which means, although he’s allowed to get drunk, we’ll have to wait until the middle of 2009 before Mel Gibson can load up on booze, break the law and use the arrest as an excuse to howl Jewish insults into the sky like some sort of sugartit-fixated werewolf again without fear of jail.

OK, first an apology for the misleading title - Mel Gibson has been allowed to drink for ages, but now he gets to do it without a judge disapprovingly scowling at him for it. Mel Gibson has just been told by a judge that he no longer needs to attend courtroom progress reports for the probation he was given when he got drunk and drove around screaming bad things about the Jews that time. However, just because he doesn't have to appear in court, Mel Gibson still has 18 months of probation left to battle through alone. Which means, although he's allowed to get drunk, we'll have to wait until the middle of 2009 before Mel Gibson can load up on booze, break the law and use the arrest as an excuse to howl Jewish insults into the sky like some sort of sugartit-fixated werewolf again without fear of jail.
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Lee Ryan Goes From Strength To Strength

by Matthew Laidlow

After failing to whip up a frenzy in Hell’s Kitchen, Lee Ryan – our favourite expletive-uttering former boyband member – has since picked up the pieces and moved on.

Sadly, Lee Ryan hasn’t been over in Asia protecting the elephants from dying. Instead, he’s been busy allegedly slapping taxi drivers around and consequently being charged for it. The singer will appear before magistrates in Redhill on February 29.

We will be there in full support for Lee with a host of banners including ‘We Luv U Lee 4ever’, ‘U R Propa Fit’ and ‘Kan Aye Ave A Refund Plz?’ To any of Lee’s 12-year-old fans, ‘Common Assault’ means that he hurt someone for no reason.

So presumably all those songs he wailed about love and harmony were a bit of a lie. We await the trial for news on the best bruv in the world.

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Former Boy Band Star Charged With Assault – NME

After failing to whip up a frenzy in Hell’s Kitchen, Lee Ryan - our favourite expletive-uttering former boyband member - has since picked up the pieces and moved on. Sadly, Lee Ryan hasn’t been over in Asia protecting the elephants from dying. Instead, he’s been busy allegedly slapping taxi drivers around and consequently being charged for it. The singer will appear before magistrates in Redhill on February 29. We will be there in full support for Lee with a host of banners including 'We Luv U Lee 4ever', 'U R Propa Fit' and 'Kan Aye Ave A Refund Plz?' To any of Lee’s 12-year-old fans, 'Common Assault' means that he hurt someone for no reason. So presumably all those songs he wailed about love and harmony were a bit of a lie. We await the trial for news on the best bruv in the world. Read more: Former Boy Band Star Charged With Assault - NME
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Sienna Miller: Blah Blah Paparazzi Boo Hoo

by Stuart Heritage

The best thing about Sienna Miller is that she really doesn’t have a bloody clue.

If you’ve seen Sienna Miller in action for even a couple of seconds, you’ll realise that she’s such an unashamed publicity-whore that she’d hump a goat on a waterslide if it resulted in any amount of newspaper coverage. But despite being this colossal attention-hoover, Sienna Miller actually hates it when people take her photo, and is happy to go to court to tell everyone about.

Sienna Miller was in court yesterday blathering on about how the paparazzi ‘hunts’ her, to help an upper-class tosswipe friend who was facing a paparazzi-related criminal damage charge. And to back up her attack, Sienna Miller has vowed never to be in another newspaper agai… oh, sorry – we got real life confused with wishful thinking for a second there.

The best thing about Sienna Miller is that she really doesn't have a bloody clue. If you've seen Sienna Miller in action for even a couple of seconds, you'll realise that she's such an unashamed publicity-whore that she'd hump a goat on a waterslide if it resulted in any amount of newspaper coverage. But despite being this colossal attention-hoover, Sienna Miller actually hates it when people take her photo, and is happy to go to court to tell everyone about. Sienna Miller was in court yesterday blathering on about how the paparazzi 'hunts' her, to help an upper-class tosswipe friend who was facing a paparazzi-related criminal damage charge. And to back up her attack, Sienna Miller has vowed never to be in another newspaper agai... oh, sorry - we got real life confused with wishful thinking for a second there.
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Paul McCartney Divorcing Heather Mills Right Now

by Stuart Heritage

The warm-up has included accusations of violence, accusations of prostitution, accusations of infidelity and a set of dodgy naked photos that frankly freak us out every time we even mention them.

But now it’s time for the main event – at 10am today, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills started getting divorced.

The five-day High Court Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is taking place behind closed doors so details will be scant, but we do know that Heather Mills is legally representing herself, so there’s a distinct chance that her entire case is going to revolve around shrieking the word ‘paedophile’ in a funny voice. Or red jelly penises.

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Britney Spears’ Dad Keeps The Keys To All Her Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

We know. You thought that all this kerfuffle about Britney Spears would die down now that has to spend the next fortnight locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

Chance’d be a fine thing. No, instead focus has shifted away from Britney Spears’ well-being to all of Britney Spears’ stuff. Yesterday in court effectively saw a fight between Britney and her Dad about whether or not he should be her conservator while she’s banged up in the nuthouse. Turns out he can.

So now Jamie Spears is in charge of Britney’s estate and finances, plus he’ll also be legally obliged to shave his hair off, drink 20 Red Bulls a day and have his vagina on full display whenever he gets out of a car. Hey, we don’t make the rules.

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Britney Spears Does That ‘Not Showing Up’ Thing Again

by Stuart Heritage

Hello, and welcome to the billionth edition of Britney Spears Does A Lot Of Dumb Shit That Couldn’t Possibly Make A Jot Sense To Anyone, Not Even An Idiot Or A Child.

Today: Britney Spears goes to court to get her kids back but forgets to actually go all the way into the courtroom. Again.

Honestly, this stuff better be entertaining for Britney Spears, because it’s starting to drain our will to live.

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Amy Winehouse Slightly Screechy At Blake’s Court Date

by Stuart Heritage

Ask anyone what they'd least like to happen to them during a court appearance and 'Amy Winehouse turning up late with a weird haircut and loudly screeching her love' would figure pretty high. But that's what Blake Fielder-Civil had to deal with during a court date on Friday about his assault and perverting the course [...]

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Britney Spears Sort Of Goes To Court, Loses Kids Anyway

by Stuart Heritage

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday – she just didn’t heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn’t lose her kids was to attend yesterday’s custody hearing, it’s been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears – where does her semi-appearance leave our ‘arse out’ promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We’re so confused.

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