Articles tagged with: Brad Pitt
Skulk, Ye Insignificant Fools, Before Angelina Jolie’s Almighty Power
Some people, they say, are born powerful. Some achieve power. Others shack up with Brad Pitt and do it that way. We're not experts, so we don't know which of these has made Angelina Jolie so powerful. But she is powerful. In fact, Forbes has just named Angelina Jolie as the most powerful celebrity onEarth, thanks to her ability to command exposure, and also her ability to pull a semi-articulated lorry full of bricks for a mile with her nipple. Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie, or Almighty Overlord Archduke Angelina Jolie The Invincible as she now demands to be called.
Some people, they say, are born powerful. Some achieve power. Others shack up with Brad Pitt and do it that way. We're not experts, so we don't know which of these has made Angelina Jolie so powerful. But she is powerful. In fact, Forbes has just named Angelina Jolie as the most powerful celebrity onEarth, thanks to her ability to command exposure, and also her ability to pull a semi-articulated lorry full of bricks for a mile with her nipple. Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie, or Almighty Overlord Archduke Angelina Jolie The Invincible as she now demands to be called.
Film Foam: Cannes, Tarantino, Drag Me To Hell
All eyes have been at Cannes this week and if the sight of the bikini clad sleaze wasn’t enough to draw attention to the town, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie swanned in to put the place on the front page. Who cares about films when you can have really, really, really good looking people around… Meanwhile Terminator Salvation has been seen and received the critical mauling of someone using a phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. Also everyone is talking about the new internet site that tells you when to piss in the middle of a movie. Seemingly people are overlooking that fact that it spoils major points in films and are hailing it as some sort of revelatory bladder-relieving miracle. Back to Cannes though for the big news of the week…
All eyes have been at Cannes this week and if the sight of the bikini clad sleaze wasn’t enough to draw attention to the town, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie swanned in to put the place on the front page. Who cares about films when you can have really, really, really good looking people around… Meanwhile Terminator Salvation has been seen and received the critical mauling of someone using a phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. Also everyone is talking about the new internet site that tells you when to piss in the middle of a movie. Seemingly people are overlooking that fact that it spoils major points in films and are hailing it as some sort of revelatory bladder-relieving miracle. Back to Cannes though for the big news of the week…
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Kiss! On The Mouth! ON THE MOUTH!
There are currently three schools of thought regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. One is that their marriage is in trouble. The second is that their marriage is fine. The third - the school we subscribe to - goes like this: shut up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shut up shut up shut up make it stop make it stop oh God why won't you make it stop shut up. So, to clear up the rumours for good, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening smooching for photographers in Cannes. Which theory did this prove? All of them, technically.
There are currently three schools of thought regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. One is that their marriage is in trouble. The second is that their marriage is fine. The third - the school we subscribe to - goes like this: shut up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shut up shut up shut up make it stop make it stop oh God why won't you make it stop shut up. So, to clear up the rumours for good, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening smooching for photographers in Cannes. Which theory did this prove? All of them, technically.
Jennifer Aniston: Having It Off With Another Bloke From Her Films?
Jennifer Aniston's co-stars have every right to be scared. Star in a film with Jennifer Aniston and one of two things will happen. Number one - you'll do an Owen Wilson and attempt suicide. Number two - you'll end up getting romantically entangled with her. We honestly couldn't say which one of these sounds worse. Luckily Bradley Cooper didn't have this dilemma - he's reportedly having it away with Jennifer Aniston, possibly right now. In fact, Bradley Cooper is being called Jennifer Aniston's new Brad Pitt - so we're especially looking forward to the moment where he leaves her for someone younger and prettier.
Jennifer Aniston's co-stars have every right to be scared. Star in a film with Jennifer Aniston and one of two things will happen. Number one - you'll do an Owen Wilson and attempt suicide. Number two - you'll end up getting romantically entangled with her. We honestly couldn't say which one of these sounds worse. Luckily Bradley Cooper didn't have this dilemma - he's reportedly having it away with Jennifer Aniston, possibly right now. In fact, Bradley Cooper is being called Jennifer Aniston's new Brad Pitt - so we're especially looking forward to the moment where he leaves her for someone younger and prettier.
Brad Pitt Goes To Washington, Nancy Pelosi Pees A Little Bit
In these times of immense global hardships, it's reassuring that governments are doing what they need to do. Like creaming themselves over Brad Pitt. Wait, no, hang on, what? Even though it's probably right at the very bottom of their priority list - just after 'stop the world slumping into an irreversible environmental and financial catastrophe' and 'buy more milk for the fridge' - the entire US government froze up yesterday so that Brad Pitt could chat to senior politicians, including the actual president, about charity. Next week: Jennifer Aniston shouts at the Lithuanian interior minister through a megaphone about her fingernails.
In these times of immense global hardships, it's reassuring that governments are doing what they need to do. Like creaming themselves over Brad Pitt. Wait, no, hang on, what? Even though it's probably right at the very bottom of their priority list - just after 'stop the world slumping into an irreversible environmental and financial catastrophe' and 'buy more milk for the fridge' - the entire US government froze up yesterday so that Brad Pitt could chat to senior politicians, including the actual president, about charity. Next week: Jennifer Aniston shouts at the Lithuanian interior minister through a megaphone about her fingernails.
WEBTHUMP! Thursday 5 March 2009
10 - Brad Pitt advertises liquid. In Japan. Like a fool - Holymoly 9 - 24 Twitter birds, all of which are far lovelier than the original - Luclatulippe 8 - So HERE's why U2 have been killing themselves promoting their new album - Popjustice 7 - And now, the world's most exuberant Bon Jovi fan - Best Week Ever 6 - Some giant paper robots ...
Oscars Really Wanted That Jennifer Aniston/ Angelina Jolie Fight
The Oscars, while ostensibly about giving little statues to humourless men, were only really about one thing. That's right - Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Last night's Oscars marked the first time that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie had come within punching distance of one another for years. They didn't fight, but at least the Oscars producers tried their hardest. As Jennifer Aniston walked on stage, they instantly cut to a close-up of Angelina Jolie's face. Then they told her that Jennifer thinks her Mum's a slag before chanting the word 'scrap' until Hugh Jackman got excited and passed out. We heard.
The Oscars, while ostensibly about giving little statues to humourless men, were only really about one thing. That's right - Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Last night's Oscars marked the first time that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie had come within punching distance of one another for years. They didn't fight, but at least the Oscars producers tried their hardest. As Jennifer Aniston walked on stage, they instantly cut to a close-up of Angelina Jolie's face. Then they told her that Jennifer thinks her Mum's a slag before chanting the word 'scrap' until Hugh Jackman got excited and passed out. We heard.
Brad Pitt Goes To Las Vegas With Some Kids, No Hilarity Ensues
You know what's crazy? When fathers take their sons to places and do things. Boy, that's crazy. CRAZY. So that makes Brad Pitt a lunatic. Reports are zinging around about Brad Pitt taking his adopted sons Maddox and Pax to Las Vegas to eat burgers and play Nintendo together. Without question, this is clearly the biggest news of the decade, if not history. Let's just be thankful that it was Brad Pitt who did this and not Angelina Jolie, because then Jennifer Aniston would feel obliged to counter it by suckling a wolverine or something, and we're getting so tired.
You know what's crazy? When fathers take their sons to places and do things. Boy, that's crazy. CRAZY. So that makes Brad Pitt a lunatic. Reports are zinging around about Brad Pitt taking his adopted sons Maddox and Pax to Las Vegas to eat burgers and play Nintendo together. Without question, this is clearly the biggest news of the decade, if not history. Let's just be thankful that it was Brad Pitt who did this and not Angelina Jolie, because then Jennifer Aniston would feel obliged to counter it by suckling a wolverine or something, and we're getting so tired.
