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Bono

U2 Goes Reggae, World Impatiently Waits For An Apology

by Stuart Heritage

The world is split into two: those who don’t think U2 experiment enough, and those who have working brains.

If you’re in the second group, start digging your bunker now. It’s been reported that U2 aren’t content to limit their experimentalism to simply releasing grammatically-incorrect concept albums about footwear – they’re bringing out a reggae album soon, too.

A terrible idea, we know, but it’ll be worth it when U2 tour. You don’t see 50-year-old Irish midgets follow up impassioned IRA songs by saying “This next song’s called Demma Bad Bwoi Duppy Man Ting (Irie Pussyclot Ting),” too often, do you?

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U2′s Bewildering Spider-Man Musical To Open Next Year

by Stuart Heritage

You heard it once and thought it was a good joke; you heard it again and thought it was a bad joke, and now it’s true.

The U2 Spider-Man musical is happening. Despite being the weirdest thing ever been announced, the Spider-Man Broadway musical – with music by U2′s Bono and The Edge – will open in New York next January.

That’s right – the Spider-Man musical is by Bono and The Edge. But don’t worry about the other two – Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr will be debuting their new Condorman musical next February outside the Basingstoke branch of Clinton’s Cards. At 4am. Drunk.

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U2 Aren’t Ever Splitting Up, So Sorry For Ruining Your Day

by Stuart Heritage

If you ever wanted to see a day when U2 are basically a group of old men repeating themselves time after time, then…

Hey hang on a minute! U2 already are basically a group of old men repeating themselves time after time! Well that’s our opening line buggered up, then. Anyway, if you want to see U2 even more decrepit and creatively strapped than they already are, then you’re in for a treat – U2 are never splitting up. Ever.

It’s true – The Edge said so. And you shouldn’t doubt a man named after a horticultural barrier, because that’d be stupid.

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U2 Set To Ruin 2009 With Five Versions Of Their New Album

by Matthew Laidlow

After being sidetracked with a few things, such as trying to end all world evils and finding out where the boogieman lives, Bono has returned to his 50-bedroom mansion to concentrate on churning out another U2 album.

Bono and the other members of U2 have been threatening to release No Line On The Horizon for a while now and finally they’ve delivered the bombshell with a March 19 2009 release. Is one new release bad enough? No, Bono has to be an extravagant twat and release it five bloody times.

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WEBTHUMP! Tuesday 28 October 2008

by Stuart Heritage

10 – More election crap. It’ll be over soon, promise…

9 – Is it just us, or is Kanye West’s new album not very good? – Pitchfork

8 – Why Stu’s beard rocked, despite popular opinion – Biggerbetterbeard

7 – A song about Paris Hilton being president, performed by Paris Hilton. We’re so tired that we can’t even tell if this is a joke or not any more – Popjustice

6 – Toffee apples! – Instructables

5 – Famous people on the internet. Now no longer famous. Mostly – MSN

4 – Oh, Bono! – Dailymail

3 – It Will Kill You Lite: Alligator edition – Nothingtoxic

2 – A kid’s book based on Bob Dylan songs. Not nearly as awful as it sounds – Drawn

1 – The man from 30 Rock is basically identical to the man in 30 Rock – New York

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Matt Damon Has Another Kid: Hasn’t Sold it Out Yet

by Ian Dransfield

Matt Damon has gone and done that thing where he gets a woman pregnant and she shoots out his spawn a few months later. Had a kid – that’s the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we’re nice. This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning [...]

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Petition Launched to Make Bono History

by Matthew Laidlow

During the propaganda videos issued to promote Live Aid 2: Twenty Years On From The First One, we were presented with lots of images with Bono. This imagery was extremely powerful. Starring himself and a whole host of people who appeared solely to boost their ‘caring profile’, Bono told us that ‘every time I and [...]

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Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Have Some Kids, Release Some Pictures: World Explodes

by Ian Dransfield

In the ongoing saga of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ‘having some twins’, you would probably think the ridiculous media hysteria couldn’t get much worse. Well, you’re wrong. Because they’ve finally gone and released pictures of the A-list couple’s bundle of gametes – though fortunately there doesn’t seem to be a Bono in sight. That [...]

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie To Inflict Bono On Twins From Birth

by Stuart Heritage

If you had to pick any celebrity to be your godfather, who would it be? Chances are right now you’re thinking “Honestly, anyone but Bono.”

Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he’d take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. “What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn’t have.”

But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – they’ve apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins’ godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt – the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you’re busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there’ll be nobody to blame but yourself.

If you had to pick any celebrity to be your godfather, who would it be? Chances are right now you're thinking "Honestly, anyone but Bono." Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he'd take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. "What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn't have." But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie - they've apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins' godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt - the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you're busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there'll be nobody to blame but yourself.
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Sorry America. Lily Allen Is Coming Your Way Real Soon

by Matthew Laidlow

Hecklerspray are a bunch of merry people who would never inflict any harm on you. We’d do anything to help you out. Say you thought some Russian military types had tampered with your food; we’d be there to help you. Sure, we’d be putting our own life at risk as we gingerly slurped your tomato [...]

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