Articles tagged with: Bono
During the propaganda videos issued to promote Live Aid 2: Twenty Years On From The First One, we were presented with lots of images with Bono. This imagery was extremely powerful. Starring himself and a whole host of people who appeared solely to boost their 'caring profile', Bono told us that 'every time I and my mates click their fingers, an African child will die'. There was, of course, a simple solution to this: stop bloody doing it - don’t abuse your weird powers. Aside from his world-saving duties, Bono likes to occasionally rock out with a little known Irish band called U2. Though named after some awful text speak, critics are saying the band could someday be big, if Bono himself were to shut up telling everyone off all the time and dictating to us, the lowly public, what we should do in life to save the universe. Thankfully some people want to stop Bono bleating on and have launched a petition to stop him. We're not sure how they intend to stop him, but hopefully it won’t be by freezing him. This would, of course, leave the possibility open for him to be thawed out in 3000 years. Imagine the unfortunate luck for the poor sods then. And would Bono be able to operate a flying car?
In the ongoing saga of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie 'having some twins', you would probably think the ridiculous media hysteria couldn't get much worse. Well, you're wrong. Because they've finally gone and released pictures of the A-list couple's bundle of gametes - though fortunately there doesn't seem to be a Bono in sight. That would be too much. Popping up on Hello! and People over the weekend, the images show... some famous people with their newborn kids. Seriously - what did you expect? Hecklerspray hoped the photos would include explosions, a car chase et al, but those hopes were well and truly dashed on their release. Typical.
If you had to pick any celebrity to be your godfather, who would it be? Chances are right now you're thinking "Honestly, anyone but Bono." Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he'd take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. "What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn't have." But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie - they've apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins' godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt - the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you're busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there'll be nobody to blame but yourself.
Hecklerspray are a bunch of merry people who would never inflict any harm on you.
We’d do anything to help you out. Say you thought some Russian military types had tampered with your food; we’d be there to help you. Sure, we’d be putting our own life at risk as we gingerly slurped your tomato soup, but we love you and would never turn down your request.
However, there are some factors that we can’t control: famine, Bono, global warming and hay fever (oh dear God the hay fever). At first the problem is confined to one area, but it then slowly spreads around the world. Look at Bono - Ireland suffered for so long until he was unleashed to the world.
Now it's England’s turn to unleash one of their ropiest creations, this time on an unsuspecting America. Lily Allen has been granted a visa. Batten down the hatches, quick!
Good news, people: the world’s second biggest twat, otherwise known as Jonathan Edward Borrell, is to be murdered.
OK, OK, yeahyeahyeah, it’s only going to happen in a movie, but sometimes life imitates art, right? Right? Right. We can but hope. Our fingers remain firmly crossed.
Borrell is to star in the new film by Antonia Bird and Irvine Welsh, named The Meat Trade, and will be killed by two grave robbers, played by Robert Carlyle and Colin Firth. Jonathan Edward told the Daily Star:
"It's going to be so much fun. I love horror and I'm a really big fan of Irvine Welsh's work. I loved Trainspotting."
U2 are all getting on a bit now, so you'd think that they'd be planning to kick the whole music thing in the head.
After all, there are so many other things like U2 could be doing, like saving Africa or ending poverty or halting climate change or having a lovely bath or paying someone to mash their food up in a bowl for them or dicking around Dublin in silly hats.
But no. Instead U2 have signed a deal with Live Nation. A 12-year deal. 12 years. 12 more years of U2. 12 cocking years of U bastard 2 flying around the world and being all smug and singing their rubbish songs. Thrilled. Seriously.
It seems that some people are never happy. After saving the world by organising a few gigs, Bono has been slammed by head of African Aid Action, Jobs Selasie.Bono, who is renowned for his messianic charisma and rumoured to heal the blind just with his touch, was criticised by Selassie for not involving grassroots African organisations and saying that such half-baked charity endeavours such as Live Aid are detrimental to the future of Africa.
