If you had to pick any celebrity to be your godfather, who would it be? Chances are right now you’re thinking “Honestly, anyone but Bono.”
Bono would be a terrible godfather. The worst. Imagine it. Instead of going to the zoo he’d take you for a day out to an audiovisual lecture on Third World tuberculosis. Imagine it. “What birthday present have you got me this year, Bono? Oh, a beehive for an African village? Another one? You shouldn’t have.”
But tell that to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – they’ve apparently asked Bono to be their newborn twins’ godfather. It might seem like a clever, worthy thing to do now, but heed this Brad Pitt – the day that little Knox Leon barges in prattling on about Burmese monks when you’re busy trying to complete Call Of Duty 4, there’ll be nobody to blame but yourself.
Really and honestly, men are only asked to be godfathers if a) the mother suspects that they’re actually the baby’s real father or b) the parents want to look all smug and superior in front of everyone.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have reportedly asked Bono to be the godfather of their new twins. So there’s no need to guess what their rationale is, is there?
That’s right. Bono. The man so shudderingly self-important that not even all his relentless humanitarian work can convince most of the world that he’s not a dick. The poverty campaigner who buys first class air tickets for his hats. The man who’d probably organise an all-star charity concert for your lost car keys if he thought there was a sniff of a Nobel Prize in it. He’s actually going to be godfather to some children.
God, those poor kids are screwed, aren’t they? Not only have they got Angelina Jolie for a mother – a woman so hands-on in her humanitarian efforts that when she sees a problem her first reaction is to bring it home, give it a silly name and raise it as her own – but now they’ll have Bono as a babysitter too.
Poor Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline are either going to grow up with gigantic self-esteem issues because they’ll never be able to compare to their perfect parents and godparents, or they’ll become some of those annoying rich kids who only wear hemp and bang on forever about their gap year in a Afghan commune and how really authentic and spiritual it was. They’re effed either way. Digital Spy reports:
“Brad and Angie think the world of Bono. They have been friends for years. Brad is a massive U2 fan and told Bono how much he admired him when they were introduced at a party a few years back. Since then, they’ve become very close, which Brad is thrilled about. Angelina is inspired by Bono’s humanitarian work and gets on with his wife Ali Hewson.”
Notice that Bono wasn’t asked to be the godfather to any of Angelina Jolie’s adopted kids. They’ve all already come from a place of great suffering, you see, while the twins were born into a life of privilege. The only way Knox and Vivienne will experience an equivalent level of suffering is if they’re forced to listen to Bono yip on about AIDS into their tiny faces for a few hours every week.
Of course, there’s always a possibility that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie only asked Bono to be their twins’ godfather so that he’ll appear in their exclusive magazine covershoot photos.
It’s a good idea – the presence of a balding, middle-aged, dot-eyed Irishman in a photo featuring Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and two of their biological children would really bring down the image’s mean level of otherworldly beauty, wouldn’t it? Normal humans might even be able to look at it without falling to their knees in raptures.
Shooty* says
Could be worse.
For the kids, I mean.
It could have been Chris Martin.
Fairtrade satsumas for Christmas.
Kyle says
Just been looking at pictures of Brad and Jen. I agree he was much happier and natural back then. Now he looks like he is walking a tight rope. He made his bed, let him lie in it.
This article is bull. These two dickheads are atheist.
MakeSomethingHappen says
Here here!
Bono is no role model. All his philanthropy efforts are astoundingly self-righteous…and worse — they’re totally counter productive.
Actually I think that what Brad Pitt has done in New Orleans with NOLA was really effective. He did things the right way, involving community groups in the process and building tangible assets for the community there.
Bono on the other hand simply installs himself as the frontman of whatever movement he fancies – against the will of the grassroots organizers working in those movements. Take the ill advised RED campaign for example — he spends $100 million marketing it & raises just $60. So its basically a $40 million GAP commercial. Meanwhile NGOs everywhere are screaming DONT DO THIS because people are going to start thinking that all you have to do to solve systemic problems is buy more crap — no need to make any real sacrafice…just go on living your materialist life style.
I’m a part of a campaign to get Bono to retire from public life.
We’re raising a pot of pledges that will grow & grow, and eventually we’ll give it to the Global Fund to fight AIDS, but ONLY once Bono retires from public life.
Join us here:
http://www.thepoint.com/campaigns/bono-retire-from-public-life-and-well-donate-a-ton-of-money-to-fight-aids
neil says
Before our very eyes YOUR type of pseudo-clever, bitchy-blogging is getting as dated as 80’s padded shoulders. Hetrosexual faggotry. As we used to say in the school yard, “say it, don’t spray it”.
cher says
It is hard to understand why anyone would believe that if you only give enough money, you can solve all of the problems in the world. There are millions of people doing the hard work of helping people and instead of recognizing these individuals we have a group of celebrities treated like royalty because they take a few pictures, visit a few places, and donate money. I would have much more respect for Bono, Jolie, or Pitt if I knew they were spending a year or so in a place giving their time and effort to something rather than just moving from one charity cause to another.
Gilbert Wham says
If you give me enough money, I’ll promise never to bother you with my problems again.
David Bryden says
>> “It is hard to understand why anyone would
>> believe that if you only give enough money,
>> you can solve all of the problems in the world.”
Homer’s Simpson brain:
“Money can be exchanged for goods and services.”
Beatriz Marcos says
I see everybody here seems to be against these people just because what they do is not always 100% productive and, on top of it, it gives them massive publicity, but, at least they do, or try to do, something.
All of them have spent months of their lives in poor comunities before really deciding to do something big, which, unavoidably, would make them even more famous. They are rich, remember? They don