You heard it once and thought it was a good joke; you heard it again and thought it was a bad joke, and now it’s true.
The U2 Spider-Man musical is happening. Despite being the weirdest thing ever been announced, the Spider-Man Broadway musical – with music by U2’s Bono and The Edge – will open in New York next January.
That’s right – the Spider-Man musical is by Bono and The Edge. But don’t worry about the other two – Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr will be debuting their new Condorman musical next February outside the Basingstoke branch of Clinton’s Cards. At 4am. Drunk.
Dear God, this new U2 album is going to be worse than anyone could have possibly imagined. As we’ve already stated, No Line On The Horizon is a short-hair Bono album – which means there are less uplifting songs about shimmering cities and more woeful dirges that sound like We Didn’t Start The Fire but are exclusively about footwear. But this short-hair Bononess goes even deeper.
It also extends to members of U2 writing songs about superheroes. The last time U2 did this, they wrote Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me for that cacky Val Kilmer Batman film and it was horrible. And now they’re at it again, this time putting together an entire Broadway musical based on Spider-Man.
This isn’t news in itself – we reported on the U2 Spider-Man musical back in 2007 – but what is news is that a) the thing actually exists and wasn’t just a cruel prank to drive the weak-minded to the brink of suicide and b) it’s going to open on Broadway in less than a year. Really. Newsday reports:
With new music and lyrics by Bono and The Edge, and direction by Julie Taymor (“The Lion King”), “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” will begin previews Jan. 16. (The subtitle is the name of one of the show’s songs.) Members of the creative team include choreographer Daniel Ezralow, set designer George Tsypin (“The Little Mermaid”) and costume designer Eiko Ishioka (opening ceremonies for the Beijing Olympics).
Wow, this Spider-Man musical is going to be spectacular. We don’t know about you, but the costumes were the best bit of the Beijing Olympic opening ceremony. Not the million drummers drumming in perfect synchronicity. Not the bit where the man ran around the side of the stadium with a flaming torch. Not the bit with the magical floating dust that formed a giant version of the Olympic rings. The costumes. If we could remember what they looked like, we’re sure they’d be ace.
Anyway, the Spider-Man musical is going to be one of the most expensive in history, so there’s a chance it’ll be a major success and go on to be U2’s enduring legacy, like Mamma Mia is for Abba. Who knows, it might even equal the success of Mamma Mia and get turned into a Mamma Mia-style movie.
After all, if we have to remember Bono at all, we’d like it to be by the way he had a bunch of his hokey songs absolutely massacred by Pierce Brosnan‘s foghorn voice. It’d be better than Spider-Man 3, anyway.
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Julian Mentat says
U2 should stick to what they’re good at, i.e. making money, being optimistic, rocking stadiums full of white people etc. They should stay away from brain surgery, space travel and music.
Paul O'Braonain says
I’d call you a cunt, but cunts are useful!
TropicanaAtlanticCityNJ says
Lol at the comment from Julian
Josh says
HA HA HA….go fuck yourself,Stuart….I hope you see Bono and Edge in your nightmares….No Line On The Horizon is a fantastic album,their best in a decade….we’ll see about the music to the Spiderman play,but Evan Rachel Wood who will play Mary Jane called the music “amazing”
Last but not least Stuart if you’re going to slag U2 which you Brits seem to love doing(does it pain you that they’re Irish?) you really should get your facts straight,the “Hold Me,Kiss Me….” song was not written for the Batman movie…it was an outake from the album “Zooropa”…they were asked for a song and they gave the film that one.
The last time a member of U2 wrote a song about superheroes wasn’t in 1995 it was a few years ago when The Edge wrote the original theme music for “The Batman” animated series…look it up
AND NEXT TIME GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT
Tom J says
Holy crap, I thought U2 had sunk to their all time low years ago but somehow they just keep digging… and digging… and digging… and digging…
Bomonkey says
Bono and Edge can sell shit as a gold!