If you ever wanted to see a day when U2 are basically a group of old men repeating themselves time after time, then…
Hey hang on a minute! U2 already are basically a group of old men repeating themselves time after time! Well that’s our opening line buggered up, then. Anyway, if you want to see U2 even more decrepit and creatively strapped than they already are, then you’re in for a treat – U2 are never splitting up. Ever.
It’s true – The Edge said so. And you shouldn’t doubt a man named after a horticultural barrier, because that’d be stupid.
These are testing times for U2. Their new album No Line On The Horizon marks a serious departure for the band, because Bono‘s had his hair cut for it. And that’s risky. Honestly.
People knew where they were with long-hair Bono – uplifting lyrics, songs that all sound like much-worse versions of Where The Streets Have No Name and iPod commercials. But short-hair Bono? Jesus, that’s much worse. That’s songs with no melody, giant glittery lemons and – gulp – artistic exploration. We know. It’s horrifying.
But that’s what No Line On The Horizon is – a short-hair Bono album. That’s why new single Get On Your Boots sounds like an unholy mix of We Didn’t Start The Fire, this song and U2 when nobody liked them. And it’s why people have started speculating about when U2 will split up.
Actually, that’s a gigantic lie. Nobody has started speculating about when U2 will split up, but the News Of The World asked The Edge about it anyway, probably because it was trapped in an awkward social situation with him, and asking about U2 splitting up is marginally more polite than blurting out “Why do you always wear a hat, The Edge? Is it because you’re a BLOODY SLAPHEAD?”. Anyway, this is how The Edge replied:
?If Bono was ever going to leave U2 he would have done it years ago. We've got too much music left in us anyway.? Afterwards The Edge ? real name DAVID EVANS ? spoke about their new album, No Line On The Horizon. ?we're so proud of the latest record,? he beamed. ?It's the best music we've ever produced ? definitely back to U2?s roots this time.?
Of course Bono’s not going to leave U2. That’d be ludicrous – not only would most employers take a dim view if presented with a CV that included ‘Going “doo doo doo” on an advert for an MP3 player’ and ‘Having a made-up name’ but also, in The Edge and The Other Two, Bono has chanced upon the only three people in the world who don’t feeling like punching him square in the face after a spending a couple of seconds in his company.
So without a split in the foreseeable future, it looks like we’ll all get to look forward to the day where U2’s stage performance involves Bono hobbling about like Old Man Steptoe and… oh, wait, we’ve confused the future with the present again. We did see The Brits last week, after all.
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Kevin says
Yes i forgot its “cool” to bash everything U2 does now, wow your so clever posting this on the internet.
Markeypd says
Hey
Judging by your profile photos, I bet you aren’t really THAT far behind Bono’s 49, or Larry’s 47. any anyways the age thing is kinda lame. While there are some truly creative reviews out there ‘against’ the album in recent days, this is ridiculously lame and unfunny. Maybe satire, sarcasm, or wit just isn’t your thing?
slightlybonkers says
Not sure I get the point of this piece – other than the author doesn’t like u2 so decided to have a rather infantile go at them. Job achieved if that was the purpose of it – infantile indeed.
magnetite says
Where The Streets Have No Name
becomes
Where The Streets Do Have Names But I Can’t Read Them Any More Because The Last Stroke Caused Nominal Aphasia
Paul O'Braonain says
Such a thimble-dicked “review.” Thank Christ for the internet. Otherwise, little fucksticks like you would not have a voice! Keep screaming into the darkness…nobody cares.
va says
What is the point of this article? I thought it was going to be a review or something.
Alex says
Man you are a jerk off. Since when is 49 so old. One day you will be 49, and I bet you won’t even be 1/100th as successful as Bono, Edge, or anyone in the U2 organization. You are just jealous and pissed off at the world and U2 help you express your insecurities. And if you want to make fun of getting older, then guess what, one day you may be so lucky to live to 49. So get over it, just review the music man, good or bad, it’s an opinion and it is respected…but no need to bash people especially for getting older..get a fuckin clue.
Julian Mentat says
>>
Olaf the Belmer says
The fish are biting well today – U2 fans practically leaping into the net having misunderstood the entire concept of the site like post pubescent, male versions of the Twilight bunch. Makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside :)
StuFan#1 says
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I can,t belieeeeeeve what this freaks are writing about the man who *hello have you bin living in a rock** the man is called Stuart Heritage and he owns this web in case you didn,t know that (he owns this web) You come hear and start saying him he his wand is like a thimble which is come from Paul Obroonin well let’s I,ll tell you that this is so far from true it has its’ own postcoode brother., god it makes me sooooooooo seek into my stomache well at least kevin relishes that Stuart Heritage is doing a cool thing and as far alex she is threatens Stuart Heritage with 49 years old well don,t worry baythch coz HE WON,T EVEN BE FRICKI ALIVE THEN SO No need to worry. names and abuseing and u2 won,t get you any wear so just GET A LIE ANd leaf them alone in the pased of history(names and abusing and u2]
Tom J says
This is devastating news. I don’t read Hecklerspray for feelings of crushing disappointment, why would you want to upset your readership with this tragic announcement?
Riannon says
ah how I wish the rumors of U2 splitting up were true… They are a washed up band deliriously thinking that they are producing the greatest music of their career. Every song is sounding more and more like the last, to the point where you can’t even distinguish the difference! Do us a favor and end this terrible torturous career. If there was not another u2 song released from this day onwards I would be a happy woman.
chris durant says
i am 19 and to be fair most of the music that is made now by bands try to sou. nd like u2 the beatles and so on. the point im makin is old isnt a bad thing. wen a band breaks the world record for selling the biggest tour ever in sales 700 milion dollors . try telling the millions of fans who paid money to see them that there arent good. if anything it proves age is bliss. what a stupid review.