Matt Damon has gone and done that thing where he gets a woman pregnant and she shoots out his spawn a few months later.
Had a kid – that’s the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we’re nice.
This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning Matt Damon is now the (presumably) proud father of three daughters, the newest one to the clan being named, in a trademark celebrity cruel-o-fashion, Gia Zavala. Oh well, at least it isn’t a new brand of carpet or anything.
Luciana Damon, Matt’s wife no less, is originally from Argentina though so there’s a possible explanation for the name there. Maybe they aren’t as cruel as we initially thought…
Nevertheless, there is a new sprog to add to the pile and surely some money to be made from the pictures that will inevitably get sold off to the highest bidder, as we all know. Unless, of course, Matt exercises some show of integrity and doesn’t force his newest daughter to become a mercenary from birth.
But we cannot judge every celebrity that decides to use their gametes to make new people with the same judging stick we use on everybody’s favourite celebs Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. For maybe – just maybe – there may be a family in the spotlight that manages to retain some semblance of normality.
One that doesn’t feel the need to adopt everyone from everywhere, join whatever fashionable religion is passing by that looks cool or sell their own children out for some quick kudos points. Like we said – maybe. As in: ‘most likely not though’.
We can live in hope. The fact that the birth of the new Damon wasn’t announced with a huge amount of fanfare can give us all some extra faith that maybe, just possibly, this may mark a new beginning in the world of celebrity births. That the kids won’t immediately be whored out. That we can look at genuine news publications without being confronted by the images of some fleshy little bags that we can’t tell apart.
This is the world we want to live in, and this is the world that Matt Damon can help to create. Hopefully.
Speaking to E! Online, Matty uttered the following – possibly while looking disheveled and scared (but still sexy), and unfortunately not covering whether or not he would be changing the world as we know it:
“I’m so outnumbered down here, it’s crazy.”
Fortunately Matt’s Bourne training can come into play if the four girls ever get out of hand. A swift book to the throat is sure to calm any rowdy family down, that’s for sure. Not that we’d condone that kind of behaviour of course, we’re merely stating a known fact.
Reports that Bono is said to be eyeing up another godfathering role are said to be grossly exaggerated. Obviously that is the point when we’d start condoning the use of Bourne-like force to stop someone in their tracks.
Wow – imagine hitting that Irish prat with a book. It would be a dream come true.
Dolph Sweet says
I actually became dumber after reading this article. Please stop writing!
RR says
Yes… here’s to the day when we -don’t- find out when each and every female celebrity is doing the procreation thing, you know… what birds do and bees do… and we don’t know that ‘it’ looks like… a baby! …after it’s birthed, thanks to hugely monetarily generated graphics. More riches to the rich… ’cause they can.
Blake Sparkes says
Ian Dransfield, you are a truly poor writer. I feel a little dumber for having read this nerdy drivel.
You would be a shoe-in to write for Maxim.
Lisa W says
It’s normalcy, not “normality.”
“Fleshy little bags?” What is your damage? You definately have a lot of ‘baggage’ yourself.
You sound like a jilted girlfriend. Get over yourself. Matt Damon is a good guy.
Ian Dransfield says
“It’s normalcy, not “normality.””
Incorrect, it is either:
“The word “normalcy” had been around for more than half a century when President Warren G. Harding was assailed in the newspapers for having used it in a 1921 speech. Some folks are still upset; but in the US “normalcy” is a perfectly normal—if uncommon—synonym for “normality.””
gir says
“It’s normalcy, not ‘normality.'”
Look who’s a huge retard. Both are acceptable. (And now you’ll probably come back and make a huge fuss about “Both are” and “Either is”. Fuck you.)
““Fleshy little bags?” What is your damage? You definately have a lot of ‘baggage’ yourself.”
He’s talking about babies. You know? The fleshy little bags that appear on all kinds of magazine covers and shit?
“You sound like a jilted girlfriend. Get over yourself. Matt Damon is a good guy.”
I have news for you: despite your amazingly competent “defense” of him, you will never be Matt Damon’s girlfriend. He probably doesn’t even read hecklerspray. And it is even more likely that he doesn’t choose new women to impregnate from humorless cunts who textually harass writers for satirical entertainment websites on his behalf.
Of course, I could be mistaken. But were he to do so, it would probably be even more personally damaging than appearing in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I’m sure his agent would have kittens.
Blake Sparkes says
I apologize for coming back to this, but I read the article again. I am amazed. Ian, who hired you? Do you harbor delusions that you made a contribution to the arts, of any consequence? The only response you could provide to a parade of thematically uniform feedback on your “writing” is an argument in support of your piece’s mechanics.
Help us figure this out, what are you trying to say, really? Are you just annoyed with Hollywood and entertainment media? Are you trying to save the whales? Are you selling something? I am having a brutally difficult time taking your words at face value, as I would consider that a huge insult to you.
Joke Police says
Lisa W, please be aware of the following:
(1) There is a world that exists outside of America.
(2) There is also a magical thing called The Google. It lives in The Internets. When you see a word you’re not familar with, try entering said word into The Google before your posting Tourettes kicks in. It might save you embarrassing yourself again.
(3) You spelt ‘definitely’ wrong. The ironing is delicious.
gir says
To be fair, Blake, your criticism was a little sparse on content. For instance:
“I feel a little dumber for having read this nerdy drivel.”
Given your obvious sense of self-satisfaction, I find it hard to believe that this comment was made in good faith. You don’t think you’re any dumber. In fact, it’s quite obvious you think yourself the smartest guy in the room. Well, you’re not. I am.
Then you follow it up with the lame “shoe-in [sic] to write for Maxim” which, along with being a seriously retarded mistake to make when criticizing someone’s writing, is a complete non sequitur. I suppose you were trying to show your disdain for Maxim, but really it just makes you look clueless, kind of like the guy who wanders into a performance of Hamlet and starts criticizing the fashion sense of the dudes wearing tights.
What are you trying to say, really? That you have never read hecklerspray before and just decided to comment because you’re a huge fag? Are you trying to save the whales? Are you selling your body for crack? And while I may be the guy that compared the writing of Ian Dransfield to a Shakespearean performance, I still don’t look as dumb as you.