Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna’s arm all veiny and crap – Madonna’s won her adoption case!
It’s been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna’s adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last – now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he’ll get taken away.
We’re just kidding. It’s disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.
David Banda is one lucky chap. Ever since Madonna chose him to be the subject of her faddish interest in international adoption, literally every aspect of his life has changed for the better. When he was in Malawi, David suffered through pneumonia, malaria and tuberculosis. But since Madonna adopted him, David’s been able to hang out with Guy Ritchie every day – and that’s only as bad as having pneumonia, malaria or tuberculosis. Yes sir, that David Banda is one lucky son of a gun.
And now David officially belongs to Madonna. When she initially won David in a Malawian Lucky Claw fairground game in 2006, various human rights groups claimed that Madonna had bent international adoption law to get him, that she was wilfully manipulating his easily-confused biological father and that he’d be nothing more than one of those accessories that Madonna gets bored with and ditches after a short while, like military berets or Sandra Bernhard.
As such, Madonna wasn’t fully allowed to adopt David Banda until the High Court in Malawi had deemed her to be a suitable mother. And now, almost two years later, that’s what has happened – Madonna has been given full adoption rights of David Banda. BBC News reports:
“We are very happy with what the judge has ruled,” Alan Chinula told reporters outside the courthouse in Malawi’s capital Lilongwe. “It is a positive and beautiful judgment that will have an impact on Malawi’s adoption laws,” Chinula said. “Finally the court has granted Madonna full adoption rights of the boy – it’s a long judgement but I am quite happy with it.”
So that’s it – David Banda is now officially Madonna’s son and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Finally, it means that Madonna can dress David Banda up as a glittery leopard and make him dance like a robot in her next video like she’s always wanted instead of having to pretend that she cares about Malawi all the time. Because, come on, that’s a snore and a half!
Oh, we’re only joking. Madonna is a very capable parent so we’re sure that she’ll remember to constantly remind David about where he’s from and the conditions that his less fortunate countrymen have to work in.
If she’s really smart, Madonna will also make sure that David doesn’t lose the ability to speak his native language either, because it’ll be a heartrending moment when David Banda returns to Malawi as a young man, sees his old playmates struggling to survive in the face of overwhelming odds, gently places a hand on the shoulder of disease-stricken local and says in fluent Chichewa, “You mean you people don’t have brand new toilet seats installed every time you need to shit? Fuck me, you’re disgusting! Mummy, take me home this instant, I feel all dirty.”
mst3kster says
C’mon, what’s wrong with you people – seriously?
First you leave Milton from Office Space out of every top whatever movie list, and now you write this article about Madonkey and an earlier one about Hobbits; and you’ve got the pictures switched.
Sheeeeeesh!