In addition to gloom, cold and toffee apples, November is primarily famous for making all men everywhere feel like flabby globs of unattractive and unloved cholesterol, thanks to People's Sexiest Man Alive list.
2007 marks the 22nd straight year that we – like all other men if they're honest – have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.
For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.
Now that he's stopped making hilarious films about the exploits of two cojoined twins, Matt Damon has started to get taken seriously. After his turn in Oscar-winner The Departed and box-office destroyer The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon has hardly put a foot wrong, aside from Ocean's Thirteen which was so awful that it made us want to smack the eyes out of our faces.
And how is Matt Damon being rewarded for his new-found megastardom? By coming first in a number of ultimately meaningless surveys, that's how. This summer Matt Damon was voted the best-value actor in all of Hollywood and now he's also been voted as the sexiest man alive by People magazine. Sexy and good value? That's like going to Lidl and seeing that their meat salad contains identifiable meat as well as actual salad instead of a just handful of Spam mixed up with some mayonnaise like usual.
But how can Matt Damon be People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive when just last year George Clooney was given the title, as was Matthew McConaughey the year before that? Well, the truth is that they've both recently been killed. But don't mourn Clooney or McConaughey for too long, because Matt Damon is the new sexy king and by Christ does he ever want to boast about it:
"You gave an aging suburban dad the ego boost of a lifetime. My 9-year-old stepdaughter now thinks I'm cool — well, cooler. At the risk of being forward, if you asked me (which you didn't) I would suggest Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for this award. He's like a taller, better-looking version of me anyway. Plus, he's the best quarterback in the history of football."
Yeah, we're sure that Matt Damon's stepdaughter is thrilled that she gets to live with a man who's contractually obliged to spend the next 12 months preening himself like some sort of sexy peacock in every available reflective surface while living with the pain of knowing that she'll never possess any of his sexygenes.
So, anyway, congratulations to Matt Damon for being crowned the sexiest man alive. Let's hope the award doesn't go to his head and that his forthcoming movies Matt Damon's My My Aren't I Sexy and Matt Damon Sits On A Rock Staring Out To Sea Without A Top On For Two Hours don't get bogged down with his new vanity.
Who are the other men that People has slipped into its Sexiest Man Alive list? Not us, how many times do you need to be told? But, just in case you wanted to know…
Patrick Dempsey
Ryan Reynolds
Brad Pitt
James McAvoy
Johnny Depp
Dave Annable
Will Smith
Javier Bardem
Shemar Moore
Ben Affleck
Adrian Grenier
Will Yun Lee
Justin Timberlake
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