It's a scientific fact that if you lined up all the men alive right now and showed them a picture of George Clooney, 21% of them would turn gay while another 68% would be instantly rendered impotent by the power of his animal sexuality.
It's also true that any woman you've ever had feelings for – regardless of the length and depth of your relationship with them or the amount of children you've had together – would leave you forever in a second if George Clooney even so much as raised one of his eyebrows a tenth of a millimetre at her. We know this because People magazine has come to the conclusion that – yet again – George Clooney is the sexiest man alive. And to think that you were feeling pretty studdy with yourself because a girl at the Marks And Spencer checkout smiled at you last week even though that's what she's paid to do. George Clooney has knocked your efforts into a cocked hat. A cocked hat.
By rights, George Clooney has had a hell of year. By pulling off the audacious double-header of getting fat and growing a beard George Clooney won an Oscar at the start of 2006, a feat that he's equalled by being given an award that nobody really understands and by getting named as the manliest man's man in the world. Plus he wants to date Leonardo DiCaprio and made a shit joke about wanking in front of some people once. All of these are nice enough, but now it's time for the cherry on the cake – People magazine has voted George Clooney as the Sexiest Man Alive.
"But wait," you're saying, "Why is George Clooney the sexiest man in the world? I thought People said that Matthew McConaughey was the sexiest man alive." And you're right – but that was last year. Although Matthew McConaughey is technically still alive, People has deemed him to be far less sexy than he was this time last year. And we can see why – in recent months Matthew McConaughey has split up with Penelope Cruz and starting spending a bit too much time with Lance Armstrong. Urgh, being single and hanging out with men a lot isn't sexy at all – so People gave the Sexiest Man Alive award to George Clooney this year; a man without a steady girlfriend who spends so much time with Brad Pitt that he was scheduled to recently act as best man in the sadly-cancelled Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie waxy wedding.
And, as newly-installed Sexiest Man Alive, George Clooney gave a typically flippant interview to People magazine, even though the award secretly means more to him than he could ever let on. Here's an excerpt:
On being named Sexiest Man Alive for a second time:
"This one's going to be hard for Brad (Pitt) since he's been Sexiest Man Alive twice. He's enjoyed that mantle. I'd say 'Sexiest Man Alive' to him and he'd go, 'Two-time.' So that's been taken away. We used to call him Two Time. So Brad's going to be upset."
For more stuff about why all men instantly become emasculated the very moment that they see George Clooney, or hear anybody mention George Clooney or even read the words 'George Clooney' on a Post-It note their girlfriend has left lying around the house in order to never let them forget what a pathetic waste of testosterone they are, the George Clooney issue of People hits newsstands tomorrow.
Read more: