Adam Lambert is like a pop T Rex. He’s a little gyrating glamour-puss with a penchant for being as camp as he damn well pleases. Seeing as this is ‘coming out’ week, we feel we should applaud him for ramming his gayness down people’s throats. Apart from those consenting, we don’t mean that literally.

Anyway, as we all know, there are a lot of simple minded, slackjawed simpletons out there who, for reasons not clear to anyone, think that it’s their business where someone they’ve never met might want to stick their engorged member.

Over in Malaysia, there’s an Islamist opposition party who have stomped their angry little feet and demanded that authorities cancel a planned concert by Lambert, just in case they become aroused by him and have to flog themselves into a coma with their own disgust.

Apparently, Lambert will be going all that way to promote “gay culture”. Strange. We thought he would be more interested in promoting his records and expensive merchandise instead. Promoting homosexuality is noble and all, but really, it doesn’t pay the bills like promoting things that people can buy from a stall in the foyer.

The Pan Malaysian Islamic Party (PAS) has also threatened to call “as many of its members and supporters” to try and convert concert-goers if the performance by the former American Idol runner-up goes ahead this week.

PAS Youth leader Nasrudin Hasan, who probably has a really nice arse or something, says:

“Adam Lambert’s shows… are outrageous, with lewd dancing and a gay performance that includes kissing male dancers, this is not good for people in our country.”

Considering that homosexual sex is a criminal offence in Malaysia, it’s unlikely a bit of glam-pop is suddenly going to turn conservative Muslims into raving queens.

Sadly, PAS isn’t some tiny little faction of twerps spoiling it for everyone (and that includes the billions of really nice Muslims out there) by being the loudest of the bovine brained conservatives. They are in fact Malaysia’s second-largest political party with close to a million members.

Lambert isn’t the first performer they have gone after. They’ve gone after Beyonce, Rihanna, Gwen Stefani, Avril Lavigne and Mariah Carey. They really don’t like pop-music do they? hecklerspray thought everyone on Earth liked Beyonce!

Sadly and sensibly, Lambert has agreed with an official from Malaysia’s Arts, Culture and Heritage Ministry to sign a contract agreeing to play along with the Ministry’s rules on performances.

Basically, he’s going to have to tone down his performance or something really awful might happen to the fans attending the show. We can only hope that a percentage of the PAS demonstrators gets an erection during the performance.

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Last week’s instalment of American Idol was truly nail-biting – a fat bloke almost went home but then didn’t.

Could it be topped this week? Of course it could, because last night’s American Idol was an almost completely perfect show. Not only was there a double elimination, with Katie Stevens and Andrew Garcia being catapulted back to obscurity, but Tim Urban survived for yet another week and Adam Lambert turned up to sing a song AND the Ford music video featured a cover version of a Polyphonic Spree song that we used to like AND the group medley took the form of genuinely the most insulting tribute to Elvis Presley that we’ve ever seen.

Oh wait, those are all bad things, not good things. Hey, that means that American Idol wasn’t perfect at all! What an unfortunate misunderstanding on our part.

Elvis week. Just let those words soak in for a moment. Elvis week. All the American Idol contestants – one of which stands a very good chance of becoming an international superstar – reduced to Elvis Presley impersonators. In retrospect, no wonder two contestants went home this week. Chances are that if the American Idol producers offered viewers a ‘KILL THEM ALL WITH HAMMERS IMMEDIATELY’ voting option at any point during Elvis week, one very unlucky janitor would currently be trying to scrape bits of Lee Dewyze‘s skull from the inside wall of the orchestra pit.

But, thanks to last week’s daring deployment of the judge’s save, two American Idol contestants would have been sent home anyway. However, the unlucky rubes this week were Andrew Garcia and Katie Stevens. And you know what? We’ll miss them. Andrew Garcia, we’ll miss the way that you never pronounced any vowel apart from the letter A, turning last week’s Can’t Buy Me Love into Can’t Bay Ma Lave and this week’s Hound Dog into Haand Dag. And Katie Stevens, we’ll miss not really knowing who you are.

However, while we mourn Andrew Garcia and Katie Stevens, at least we can console ourselves with the fact that Tim Urban is still a part of American Idol. Fun fact: by surviving this long, Tim Urban is now the most successful worthless dollop of Jonas Brothers afterbirth in the history of the entire show. Congratulations Tim!

Also worth celebrating – Adam Lambert made his triumphant return to American Idol, mentoring the acts and performing his new single. Thanks to his valuable input, this year’s remaining American Idol contestants will know exactly how to stay in the media by utilising one of several tedious attention-grabbing stunts. Don’t believe us? We’ll be here to accept your apology the day after Crystal Bowersox pushes her fingers up a dancer’s bottom during a routine on live television. Because don’t think that she won’t.

Still, at least we can be certain that next week’s American Idol couldn’t possibly be as bad as this week’s American Idol. What? Annie Lennox is performing? OK, we take it all back. Next week’s American Idol is going to be terrible.

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Since he stopped trying to fit all of his tongue into random men’s mouths on TV, Adam Lambert has gone quiet.

Or at least he had. Now Adam Lambert is back on the scene doing what he does best – dividing the population with his sheer unstoppable flair for generating controversy. What has Adam Lambert done this time? Has he kissed a man? Has he felched a nun? Has he bummed a unicorn? Not quite, no. Adam Lambert has stopped a song in the middle of a concert because a girl in the audience was talking on her phone.

Which is a bit like kissing a man, in many ways. It is. It is. Stop it. It is. Anyway, there’s video after the jump.

The thing that makes Adam Lambert so popular is the thing that makes him so controversial – he does whatever he wants. If he wants to appear on the world’s most-watched talent show and sing Ring Of Fire in the style of a Moroccan having his testicles pierced outside a metal-scraping factory, then he’ll do that. If he wants to release his debut album with a sleeve that makes him look like the pan-sexual alien ghost of Fat Elvis, then he’ll do that too. And if he wants to kiss a man right in the face on live television he’ll do that too.

Adam Lambert plays by his own rules. He’s dangerous, he’s a rebel, he’s quite possibly a homosexual. And woe betide anyone who stops Adam Lambert from doing what he wants to do, because then there’ll be hell to pay. A very special type of hell that mainly involves listening to Adam Lambert saying “Really?” a couple of times in a high-pitched voice and then pulling a scrunched-up face like an adorable teddy bear.

And that’s exactly the kind of unapologetic shitcanning that Adam Lambert doled out to girl in the audience of a private iHeartRadio concert in New York this week. What did she do to provoke this fearsome Adam Lambert outburst? She was talking on her telephone while he was trying to sing a song, the inconsiderate bitch. Look, there’s video of it and everything…

We have to say that we agree with the woman at the end of end of the video who said “That is NOT cool.” She’s absolutely right. It is NOT cool. It’s the least cool thing we’ve think we’ve ever seen, in fact. We’re shocked at just how uncool it is? Seriously? Liking Adam Lambert enough to go to one of his concerts? That is NOT cool.

Oh, she meant the talking on the phone thing, didn’t she?

Whoops.

As you were, everyone.

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Everyone knows that letting Adam Lambert be on TV is an act of gross stupidity. What if he kisses a man?

What if he starts humping your leg? What if he mimes a rimjob in such disgusting detail that it causes everyone to splutter into their tea and have a seizure? Adam Lambert is a risk. But the people of The View don’t care about risks, which is why Adam Lambert appeared on the show yesterday. And, perhaps because the sight of wizened old Barbara Walters is enough to sap the sex out of any situation, Adam managed to behave himself.

That said, during his interview Adam Lambert did keep referring to how ABC had pulled him off. The dirty bugger.

We’re pleased to announce that the war is finally over. After banning him from Good Morning America, Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, ABC has finally lifted its ban on Adam Lambert. True, Adam Lambert might have caused outrage at the American Music Awards by trying to push his tongue so far down his keyboardist’s throat that we thought he was trying to fish out a semi-digested HobNob out of his small intestine, but ABC knows that time – plus the growing sensation that it might be starting to look like someone’s reactionary old uncle – is a great healer.

And that’s why Adam Lambert was allowed on The View yesterday. It was a potentially dangerous situation – it was risky letting Adam appear on a show presented by four obviously gay men, for starters – but any danger was removed by the act of taping the interview prior to transmission. So, while the interview may have contained moments where Adam Lambert shoved a ball-gag into a cameraman’s mouth, or gave a producer the teabagging of his life, or performed an impromptu version of Don’t Rain On My Parade in a bikini made of flamingo feathers, it was all edited out.

And what remained was a lovely chat designed to show America what a lovely boy Adam Lambert can be when he’s not trying to gouge your eye out with his nutsack. EW reports:

When Lambert came out, he said with a laugh, “Protect your children, people!”… While he acknowledged that his AMA appearance was “a little bit lewd” and that he was “experimenting with imagery and performance style,” he admitted that in the future, he’d probably “stay more consistent to the rehearsal” of any TV performance.

From Adam Lambert’s point of view, his appearance couldn’t have gone any better. He didn’t back down or apologise, he seemed to win the majority of the audience over and Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even try to stab him in the throat with a pen for being a Godless sodomite once. That alone is quite impressive. We heard that she’s killed for less.

Actually we haven’t heard that at all, but she’s just got that look about her, hasn’t she?

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Adam Lambert has had an awful couple of weeks – ABC had banned him, and he was starved of publicity as a result.

Except that’s not quite how it worked. In fact, being banned from Good Morning America and Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve ended up making Adam Lambert even more famous than ever. And since its plan to destroy Adam Lambert backfired so spectacularly, ABC is now seeking revenge. The worst revenge that it could ever take on anybody.

That’s right – Adam Lambert has been invited to appear on The View. Pray for his soul, readers, for he hasn’t done anything to deserve this.

Forget Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus. Forget the Berlin wall coming down. This, truly, is the greatest day for equality in all of history. That’s right – Adam Lambert is going to appear on a mediocre daytime TV show hosted by a gang of awful screeching women. Take that, bigots!

Oh, the road that Adam Lambert has walked to get to this point. After kissing a man in the face at the American Music Awards a few weeks ago, Adam Lambert was cast out into the television wilderness. Good Morning America banned him. Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve banned him. The Early Show didn’t ban him, but it did blur out the offending kiss in case the sight of it suddenly turned everyone quite gay.

This wasn’t just a vendetta against Adam Lambert. This was a vendetta against all men who’ve come second in talent shows and then mimed oral sex on a man during a song about S&M on a live television awards show. And, deep down, isn’t that all of us?

However, it turns out that ABC looks like the bad guy here. By banning Adam Lambert from all of its shows, ABC was exposing itself to accusations of homophobia, and that’d never do – after all, ABC broadcasts Desperate Housewives, a TV show starring Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria and two other gay men. Banning Adam Lambert was doing the network’s public image no good at all. So a compromise has been reached – Adam Lambert will appear on The View on Thursday. The Washington Post reports:

Lambert is scheduled to sing on the network’s daytime yakker “The View” on Thursday. That’s the day after Lambert talks with Babs Walters on ABC’S “10 Most Fascinating People of 2009.” Only, unlike three other planned Lambert performances that ABC has canceled in recent days, this week’s performance was taped in advance. This gives ABC time to surgically remove any naughty bits.

Taping Adam Lambert’s appearance in advance is an extremely smart move – not only will it filter out any of Adam’s risque moments, but it’ll also give ABC the chance to edit out the bit where Adam Lambert gets too close to Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her head starts involuntarily spinning around and spitting acid everywhere. Everyone’s a winner.

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Now readers, if any of you are planning to try out this hot new ‘being gay’ thing that you’ve read about so much lately, don’t.

It’s just asking for trouble. Look at poor old Adam Lambert – just because he wanted to see what being gay was like by using his debut performance as a professional musician to try and stab a man’s eye out with his genitals and then attempt to perform a pioneering tongue-based tonsillectomy technique on male his keyboard player, ABC has banned him from a number of shows, including Jimmy Kimmel Live.

That’s right readers – if you turn gay, you won’t be allowed to sing bad Goldfrapp rip-offs to sweaty, nervous-looking fat men who aren’t very funny. That’s as bad as it gets!

There’s a sick discrimination at the heart of television when it comes to homosexuality. Look at the contrasting treatment of Meredith Baxter and Adam Lambert. Their stories are incredibly similar – Meredith Baxter came out by furtively holding a middle-aged lady’s hand on a lovely cruise, and Adam Lambert came out by skull-bonking a man during a song about graphic sadomasochism on live TV. There’s literally no difference between them whatsoever. And yet the treatment they’ve received at the hands of the media couldn’t be more different.

Meredith Baxter got a high-profile TV interview to discuss her lesbianism – but Adam Lambert? Nothing. In fact, less than nothing. ABC is actively banning him from as many of its shows as possible. It already scrubbed a scheduled Adam Lambert performance from Good Morning America, and now it looks like he’s been given the shove from Jimmy Kimmel Live and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. What next? Will he be banned from appearing on The View? Will Adam Lambert never get to film his cameo as Richard Alpert‘s life partner on Lost?

It’s a mess, but at least GLAAD still has Adam Lambert’s back, right Los Angeles Times?

“It would appear that the kiss between Adam Lambert and his keyboardist did not factor into ABC’s decision,” said Jarrett Barrios, president of GLAAD. “ABC has a history of positive gay and transgender inclusion that includes featuring kisses between gay and lesbian couples on-air.”

That just seems silly. ABC’s fear we can understand – what if Adam Lambert appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live swaddled in goose fat, and the sight of it instantly turned Jimmy Kimmel gay, and as a result Jimmy Kimmel got even partially naked? The three people who watch the show would never be the same again – but GLAAD siding with a broadcaster over Adam Lambert seems a little confusing.

But this is just a blip, we’re sure. All this will die down and, so long as he stays true to his principles, Adam Lambert will find a way out of this. Incidentally, Adam Lambert’s new single I Like Holding Hands With Girls (And Fishing And Bowling And Other Wholesome Boy Activities) will be released as soon as is humanly possible.

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After stealing the show – and possibly his keyboard player’s tonsils – at the AMAs, Adam Lambert has polarised the world.

So which side are you on? Is Adam Lambert a disgusting personification of humanity’s slow disintegration? Or is he a shining beacon in the fight for sexual equality? Or is he a slightly annoying chap with a silly haircut and a voice like a distressed goat who you suspect would lop off his own genitals with a meat cleaver for even the merest hint of attention? We just don’t know. It’s definitely the last one, but we just don’t know.

So maybe Adam Lambert’s mother know. Yes, let’s ask her. That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? Anyone?

The mother/child dynamic has a certain number of rules that should never be broken. For instance, rule number one is that the child should always be embarrassed by the mother. It doesn’t matter how – maybe the mother still insists on wiping the child’s face with a spitty tissue, or maybe the mother likes nothing more than showing baby photos of the child’s ridiculous infant testicles to everyone she meets – but that’s rule number one anyway.

Start playing with that rule – by, say, making the child embarrass the mother by performing a slightly rubbish song on television and then ending it by almost asphyxiating his keyboardist to death with his gay face and tongue – and you’re asking for trouble. Mess with rule number one and you put all the other mother/child rules – the rule about the child feeling bad for never calling the mother, the rule about the mother secretly resenting the child for growing up – in jeopardy too. You don’t mess with the rules. You just don’t.

Adam Lambert, though, cares not for rules. If he wants to gay-kiss the pants off a boy on TV, that’s what he’s going to do. It doesn’t matter if Good Morning America bans him or The Early Show blurs out his face in an effort to quell an uprising of gay hysteria. It doesn’t even matter if it makes his mother feel a little bit awkward – that’s just Adam Lambert. It did make his mother feel a little bit awkward, as it turns out. MTV reports:

“He always wanted to entertain, even just in our family, so he took it a few steps further. It’s my kid. He’s doing great. He is entertaining everyone, including me,” she said. “You know, I was a little taken aback, but I just went with the flow, and it’s all good.”

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter what Adam Lambert’s mother thought about the performance, because kissing a man on TV has helped him to sell hundreds of thousands of copies of his new album. Although maybe we should keep that quiet, because Ringo Starr‘s got a new album coming out in January and, you know, bleurgh.

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So Adam Lambert from AI kissed a man at the AMAs and GMA freaked out until CBS gave him some TLC. OK?

Yes, that’s perfectly clear. Although Good Morning America had scrapped an Adam Lambert performance in the wake of the kiss, in case he suddenly went all gay and started bumming a cameraman or something, CBS’s The Early Show had no such qualms. That’s why Adam Lambert appeared on the show in all his gay glory yesterday.

OK, not all his gay glory. The Early Show actually blurred out Adam Lambert’s kiss, despite showing an uncensored version of the Madonna/ Britney Spears kiss moments later. Which is obviously controversial because Madonna’s like all old and crap, and that’s worse.

For the briefest of moments this week, The Early Show looked like a hero. Thanks to Adam Lambert’s decision to use the American Music Awards as an excuse to kiss one man and try to take out someone’s eye with his groin, it looked as if he’d ruined his chances of ever appearing on television again. Good Morning America cancelled a scheduled Adam Lambert performance, on the off-chance that he’d turn up in ball gag and wipe sperm everywhere, and that threatened to be the case everywhere else, too.

But then The Early Show stepped in. It offered Adam Lambert a spot where nobody else would – a spot where Adam could be as creative and flamboyant and every other euphemism for homosexual as he liked. So long as he didn’t kiss any men, though. Because that’s a bit gross.

You see, while discussing the Adam Lambert controversy, The Early Show played a clip of his American Music Awards kiss. The thing is, the kiss itself was deliberately blurred out. To make matters worse, The Early Show then played a clip of Madonna kissing Britney Spears in 2003 and left it completely unblurred, allowing everyone at home to see Madonna’s aged old tongue flopping about inside Britney’s mouth like a bird trying to feed a partially-digested earthworm to its baby.

And guess what? Now The Early Show is the bad guy, too. But it’s not going down without a fight, as EW reports:

An Early Show rep sent EW this statement: “We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.”

You know what? It’s Kris Allen who we feel most sorry for here. After all, he beat Adam Lambert to the American Idol title, so it should be him getting all this publicity. It’s not too late for him, though – he’s lined up to appear at the People’s Choice Awards in January, so maybe he can claw some limelight back by wanking off a horse or something.

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It turns out that GMA stands for ‘Good Morning America’. Who knew – we always assumed it meant ‘Gay Men! Arousing!’

We were shocked too. But probably not as shocked as Adam Lambert. You see, Adam Lambert was due to perform on Good Morning America today, but the appearance was cancelled because producers were worried that Adam would repeat the tongue-waggling, crotch-grabbing, man-kissing, blowjob-simulating shtick that caused so many God-fearing Americans to splutter into their drinks on Sunday.

GMA needn’t have worried, though – Adam Lambert knows how to modify his performances for different audiences. After all, nobody wants to see two men kissing at breakfast, which is why Adam was only going to stick to light cupping and possibly an elaborately mimed rimjob.

GMA – which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Great Man-On-Man Action’ – has found itself with some explaining to do. And it’s all Adam Lambert’s fault. You’ll remember that the most shocking thing to happen at the American Music Awards on Sunday wasn’t the fact that Michael Jackson won several awards that he wasn’t strictly eligible for, or the fact that some spoilsports removed footage of Jennifer Lopez falling on her bottom – it was Adam Lambert kissing a man on the mouth.

Adam Lambert’s gay kiss has so far provoked 1,500 separate complaints – much more than when Madonna kissed Britney Spears at the MTV awards in 2003, and that was arguably more disgusting because Madonna’s got a neck like a chicken gizzard – which in turn has made some TV shows a little jumpy when it comes to giving him airtime. One of these shows is GMA, which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Gimp Masks Ahoy’.

GMA - which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘Give Me Analsex’ – yesterday decided to pull an Adam Lambert performance that was scheduled for this morning, on the basis that he might continue to offend viewers with his lewd homosexuality. And by doing so, the show has managed to blunder its way to the forefront of an escalating debate about sexual equality, as MSNBC reports:

“Obviously, I respect their decision — they gotta do what they gotta do,” Lambert said Tuesday. “It’s too bad — I think there were a lot of fans who were excited to come see me.”… The GMA Web site was flooded with comments from viewers about the Lambert cancellation. Some applauded ABC for taking a stand against vulgarity, while others suggested the network was being homophobic.

It seems like a silly move by GMA – which apparently stands for ‘Good Morning America’ and not ‘God My Arse’ – because not only has it given Adam Lambert even more publicity than he would have otherwise received, but because now it looks like the bad guy. Now GMA looks like Carrie Prejean. That means that it’s only a matter of time before GMA paints itself orange and stars in a series of degrading solo sex tapes. Is that something you want? Is it?

And, regardless of what you think of Adam Lambert, you can’t deny that he’s done very well out of all this. His profile has been raised exponentially since the kiss, and he still get to perform on TV this morning, anyway. The Early Show has offered him a spot, and he’s accepted.

The Early Show, by the way, runs on CBS, which everybody knows stands for ‘Creepy Bum Sex’.

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You know what’s probably the sexiest awards show moment ever? When Madonna tongue-kissed Britney Spears that time.

Remember that? Hoo boy, that was sexy. Two girls going at it full tilt – what could be sexier than that? But you know what’s probably the least sexy awards show moment ever? Adam Lambert tongue-kissing a boy during Sunday’s American Music Awards. Seriously, who wants to see two boys going at it full tilt? That’s disgusting. They probably held hands afterwards, too. UGH.

Still, Adam Lambert has defended his man-on-man kiss during the AMAs, despite it getting 1,500 different knickers in such a twist that their owners felt obliged to complain about how turned on it made them. Or how offended they were. Or something.

Did you see Adam Lambert’s performance of For Your Entertainment on Sunday night’s American Music Awards? It was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. It sounded like Dame Shirley Bassey covering Womanizer by Britney Spears. Honestly, we’ve never been so offended by anything in all our lives. It was such a shameless rip-off of the current fad for electro-Glitterbeat pop music that we felt dirty afterwards. We had to go and wash ourselves. It was disgusting.

Oh, plus Adam Lambert kissed a man at the end. That was interesting too.

Except it turns out that Adam Lambert’s gay kiss garnered 1,500 complaints from irate viewers, making it easily the most offensive thing to happen on the night. And that must be pretty offensive, because the Black Eyed Peas won an award that night, and that’s easily one of the most offensive things we’ve ever heard.

However, Adam Lambert kissed a man on TV and a lot of people got angry as a result – after all, Adam Lambert is the first gay pop star in history – so he needed to respond to the outcry. The done thing here would be for Adam Lambert to follow the Mel Gibson situation aversion model and apologise, then apologise to a leader of the heterosexual community and finally go off to rehab until he starts liking girls. But, no, this is Adam Lambert we’re talking about. He always has to be different. So what did he do? The Chicago Tribune reports:

“People are scared, and it’s really sad. I just wish people could open their minds up and enjoy things. It’s all for a laugh — it’s really not that big of a deal.” If you didn’t like it, tough cookies, Lambert told “Access Hollywood”: “I believe in artistic freedom and expression. I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song, and those lyrics aren’t really for everybody either.”

That’s not strictly true – if Adam Lambert really believed in honouring the lyrics of a song so much, then his American Idol rendition of Ring Of Fire would have climaxed with him dousing his anus in petrol and then torching it – but he’s got a point. A boy kissed a boy – big whoop.

More importantly, why didn’t anyone tell us that Adam Lambert was gay? If only there had been some clue about his sexuality before now. We’re stunned.

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The artwork for Adam Lambert’s new album For Your Entertainment has already kicked up one hell of a fuss.

Why? It’s simple. It looks like one of those awful transfer-print T-shirts that people who like wolves buy from tatty market stalls. It looks like something that the redneck wife of a professional wrestling fan would airbrush onto the back of her leather jacket. It looks like a poster that someone you hate would buy. It’s bizarre.

But it’s OK, because Adam Lambert says it’s all deliberate. Unfortunately it means that Kris Allen‘s new album artwork will now probably show him covered in glitter and bumming a unicorn, but we’ll deal with that when we have to.

Adam Lambert clearly hasn’t read the rulebook. You know, the rulebook which says that the debut album from all American Idol graduates should come with artwork where the performer looks approachable and friendly. The rulebook which very specifically says that the debut album from all American Idol graduates should most definitely not come with artwork that makes them look like a naked genderless sex alien who suffers from debilitating migraines.

And yet that’s what the artwork to Adam Lambert’s forthcoming album For Your Entertainment is. Look, here it is all close-up…

Admit it, when you first saw the artwork you thought it was a hoax. You thought it was a hoax knocked up by a 12-year-old girl with a second-hand VHS copy of the 1986 Grace Jones movie Vamp and a Blingee account, didn’t you? You thought that not even Adam Lambert – the man who used American Idol to sing Ring Of Fire in the style of a creepy Middle-Eastern snake charmer and part-time date-rapist – would think of becoming a topless, blue-haired version of the Sarah Jessica Parker character from Flight Of The Navigator on the sleeve of his first album.

But he has. And he’s done it on purpose, as he told his followers on Twitter yesterday:

“Thank you to those who appreciate and understand that the album cover is deliberately campy. It’s an omage to the past. It IS ridiculous… For those that don’t get it: oh well… Glad to have gotten your attention. androgyny. Rock n Roll… *homage. When’s Twitter adding spell check?”

That’s awfully nice of Adam Lambert, but we’re not really sure it counts as androgynous. Not unless the definition of androgyny has expanded to include men who look as if they’ve woken up in a ditch on the day of their wedding and realised that their stag night prank involved being stripped, dyed and eyebrow-waxed, while simultaneously having their hand glued to their own face.

But nice try anyway. And if the album cover has walked the line between amazing and terrible so easily, then God knows what Adam Lambert’s album itself will be like, right Adam?

“[There's] a tune called “Music Again” written by Justin Hawkins of the Darkness!”

OK, we take that back, sorry. It’ll be terrible. As you were.

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A warning: if you don’t like fat teenage girls with silly emo haircuts and black nail polish, stay inside during November.

They’ll be out in force. Not only is New Moon coming out – which, let’s face it, would be bad enough by itself – but it’s also when For Your Entertainment, the first album from stupid-haired screeching emo vampire  American Idol loser Adam Lambert, is being released.

And Adam Lambert’s first single has just been leaked onto the internet. It’s called Time For Miracles. So long as that miracle involves the entire internet being deleted just to stop us from hearing it, we couldn’t agree more.

You remember Adam Lambert, don’t you? Of course you do – he was the break-out star of the last American Idol. And by ‘break-out star’ we mean that he was the contestant who looked most like Evil Spider-Man, had a singing voice that sounded most like an obese old lady being molested by a ghost and wouldn’t let on about his sexuality even though he literally couldn’t have been any gayer if he wore a T-Shirt with ‘I AM QUITE GAY’ written on it in sequins. You remember Adam Lambert. He was rubbish.

And, more importantly, he’s back. On November 23 Adam Lambert releases his new album For Your Entertainment – a slight misnomer because, if other American Idol albums are anything to go by it should be called For You To Buy, Play Once, Forget About And Then Hide Whenever Your Friends Come To Visit. But that’s beside the point, because the first single from Adam Lambert’s album has been leaked onto the internet.

The song’s entitled Time For Miracles, and it shows an impressive level of intelligence from Adam Lambert. You see, the song is from the forthcoming end-of-the-world disaster movie 2012, so its nearest reference point is Aerosmith‘s I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing from Armageddon. And it has to be better than that, right? Listening to a cat vomit into a metal bucket is better than that. So, MTV, what does Time For Miracles by Adam Lambert actually sound like?

The Brian May-approved power ballad was composed by…

OK, sorry MTV, we’re just going to stop you there. Brian May-approved? Brian May-approved? That’s not exactly a mark of quality, is it? In fact, it’s pretty much exactly the opposite. Let’s just take a quick look at some of the things that Brian May has approved in his time: 1) the Queen album Hot Space, 2) haircuts that looks exactly like explosive candyfloss diarrhoea, 3) standing on the roof of Buckingham Palace playing the guitar like some sort of awful hairy wazzock, 4) getting his wife to sing songs based on the EastEnders theme-tune, 5) Adam Lambert’s new single.

So, yeah, we’re not exactly jumping up and down about it.

But, hey, if you still want to hear the leaked version of Time For Miracles by Adam Lambert, you’re going to have to track it down for yourself. Alternatively you can listen to a sneak preview on this 2012 video. Be warned, though – it sounds a bit like a miniature witch having a violent tantrum over a lesser Bond theme. But maybe that’s your thing.

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We’re just the same as you. Since he won American Idol, we’ve been eagerly anticipating Adam Lambert’s debut album too.

Hang on, what do you mean Adam Lambert didn’t win American Idol? And what do you mean Adam Lambert recorded his debut album On With The Show four years ago for a small independent record label and it’s about to be released against his wishes?

Wow, we really didn’t know as much about Adam Lambert as we thought we did. Still, at least we can all agree on one thing about Adam Lambert – he must love his wife very much.

Now that American Idol is a distant memory and he can no longer play off his sexual ambiguity for attention, everyone is keen to know if Adam Lambert can still be a success. And, let’s be honest, the odds are against him.

True, Queen want Adam Lambert to be their new singer, but Queen are rubbish. True, Adam Lambert has a small army of slavish internet followers, but so did David After Dentist and he never really broke out to be the multi-platinum recording artist that everyone expected. And, true, Adam Lambert made it to the final of American Idol, but American Idol has been going on for so long now that we’re pretty sure that we could GHD an emo goat and it’d probably be able to make the final as well.

So really there’s only one conclusive, failsafe way to determine whether or not Adam Lambert can still be considered as a success – his debut album will have to enter the charts at number one and stay there for a meaningful amount of time, like a month or a year or until the end of time or something.

You might think that Adam Lambert would find that easy, since he’s currently recording an album with the cutting edge of the music industry like Lady GaGa‘s writers and producers. But that’s actually for his second album. Adam Lambert’s debut album was recorded four years ago for a very small record label, is entitled On With The Show and is about to get released any day now in a transparently opportunistic effort to cash in on his post-Idol fame. Here’s Want, the lead single from it…

Well, OK, we take all of our sarcasm back. Want is actually a staggeringly good song. Lyrically it’s incredibly profound – we don’t think that the sentiment of ‘love is all you need’ has ever been expressed in a pop song before – and musically Adam Lambert is bang-on as well, since we read the other day that the next big pop trend will be for songs that sound exactly like Robbie Williams B-sides from 1998. Adam Lambert sure must be thrilled with the release of On With The Show:

“The work I did back then in no way reflects the music I am currently in the studio working on. Back in 2005 when I was a struggling artist, I was hired as a studio singer to lend my vocals to tracks written by someone else. I was broke at the time and this was my chance to make a few bucks, so I jumped at the opportunity… I can’t wait for people to hear what my music really sounds like.”

Oh. Well if Adam Lambert doesn’t want us to buy On With The Show then we’re not going to buy it. In fact, we respect Adam Lambert’s opinion so much that we’re never going to buy any of his music ever again. And if any of his music is played on the radio, we’ll switch the radio off. And every time we say his name out loud, we’ll pull a funny face. We’re sure everyone can agree that that’s the most amount of respect that anyone could possibly be expected to give Adam Lambert.

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OK, that’s it. Adam Lambert has had enough of the speculation. He’s going to put an end to this right now.

For weeks, Adam Lambert has been forced to endure all kinds of unwanted media speculation over his sexuality. And now he’s reached the end of his tether. Nobody should suffer the torment he’s been put through. And that’s why, on the cover of Rolling Stone, Adam Lambert has stated once and for all that he definitely isn’t gay.

Wait, what? Adam Lambert said he is gay? Really? But that doesn’t make any sense! His nail varnish is so masculine!

Just a hunch here, but we have a feeling that the next issue of Rolling Stone is going to feature a bear on the cover, along with the headline ‘Hey, I Just Did This Excellent Crap! Over There, In The Woods! Look, It’s Next To My Friend The Pope! He’s A Catholic! Did You Know That?’

Why? Because Rolling Stone has just officially outed Adam Lambert as a gay man. Let’s get straight to the quote, shall we? Adam Lambert told Rolling Stone:

“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay. Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it to the reporters, but I thought, ‘I’m going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler. I didn’t want the Clay Aiken thing and the celebrity-magazine bullshit. I need to be able to explain myself in context. I’m proud of my sexuality. It’s just another part of me.”

Now, yes, look, congratulations to Adam Lambert for having the guts to stand up and out himself on his own terms like that, but we can’t help feeling that he’s making a terrible mistake here.

What set Adam Lambert apart from his American Idol counterparts was his aura of mystery. Was he gay? Was he straight? Sure, he might have already been outed once and he’s openly got a boyfriend and any fool with the internet can easily access pictures of him kissing boys with tongues and everything he’s ever done, said or thought in public has been unquestionably informed by the fact that he’s a gay man – but who could really say for sure, huh?

We suppose what annoys us most about Adam Lambert’s admission that he’s gay is that it’s in direct violation of rock star tradition. Everybody knows that before a singer can admit to being gay he first needs to first 1) embark upon an awkward, loveless marriage with a female employee, 2) record a zany duet with Kiki Dee and then 3) hint at his homosexuality by claiming that, rather than seeing people as gay or straight, he prefers to think of human sexuality as a sliding scale of endless permutations.

What we’re trying to say is that Adam Lambert has gypped us out of his zany duet with Kiki Dee. And we’re not sure that we’ll be able to forgive him for that.

It now remains to be seen whether or not Adam Lambert’s gay admission will affect his level of fame. To be honest, we can’t see it happening – it doesn’t matter what he does, to us Adam Lambert will always be that bloke who couldn’t even win American Idol. And long may he reign.

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There’s a question around Adam Lambert. A big question. A big, throbbing, veiny question. But not for much longer.

Ever since he first stepped into his initial American Idol audition, speculation has gone wild over one aspect of Adam Lambert’s life. It’s divided fans, galvanised the media and made him the most electrifying American Idol contestant for years. That question, of course, is this – what does Adam Lambert put in his hair? Seriously, that ‘do is fierce.

And Adam Lambert has promised that he’ll reveal all in his forthcoming Rolling Stone cover story. Or maybe his boyfriend will answer instead.

Look, we’re not going to beat around the bush here – there might be a chance that Adam Lambert is gay. We know, we know – that news probably comes as a shocking and completely unexpected bombshell to you. But we simply can’t rule out the fact that a small percentage of Adam Lambert might possibly be slightly gay.

What are we basing this on? It’s hard for us to put our finger on. It might be the sensitive inflection in Adam Lambert’s rendition of Tracks Of My Tears. It could be the care he takes over his uniformly resplendent wardrobe. It might be the way that Adam Lambert has got a boyfriend and has been seen out in public with his boyfriend and can widely be seen kissing boys with tongues on the internet and was recently outed on television by an American Idol judge. Or it might be easily-wounded soulful glint in his eye.

In retrospect, though, it’s probably because, when Adam Lambert sang Ring Of Fire on American Idol, he couldn’t have made it any more about bumholes if he’d actually emerged onto the set through a giant prosthetic sphincter. Yes, that’s probably it.

But because he knows that the general public at large will be shocked – shocked! – to learn that someone from the gruff, macho, definitely 100% heterosexual world of musical theatre-based pop music might potentially be a tiny bit gay, Adam Lambert has done the decent thing and forewarned us all that he’s about to reveal everything about himself in an upcoming issue of Rolling Stone. People reports:

Although he’s encouraged people to keep speculating about his sexuality, Adam Lambert now says, “all your questions will be answered” in an upcoming issue of Rolling Stone. “Finally,” he said at the 11th Annual Young Hollywood Awards Sunday in Santa Monica, where he was named artist of the year. “Once and for all” he’ll speak directly about the topic.

Did you hear that? Adam Lambert is going to answer all of our questions about him! This is so exciting! If that’s the case, forget all those boring ‘is he gay or isn’t he?’ questions – here’s what we really want to know about Adam Lambert:

1 - What’s Adam Lambert’s favourite colour?

2 – What does Adam Lambert like best, kittens or puppydogs?

3 - Why does Adam Lambert stick his tongue out like that when he sings?

4 - Seriously, why? It looks like he’s trying to hack up a hairball or something. It looks silly. Does Adam Lambert even know how silly he looks when he does it?

5 - Well, does he?

But still, it looks like the subject that Adam Lambert wants to focus on is his sexuality. And thank heavens for that, because once that’s all out in the open we can focus on the real story of American Idol – Kris Allen: is he really a lesbian part-eunuch goat? Let the witch hunt begin!

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